Companionship Is Gone

"Picture yourself at the dinner table laughing with your spouse. Picture your spouse in his or her favorite room or chair. Picture your spouse hugging you while you cry."

My goodness...I do this ALL THE TIME!!! Sometimes, I'll be out somewhere in a familiar place and memories of us being there will consume me! Or even while sitting at home on the computer or watching TV...a commercial will come on that reminds me of you, or the smell of your body wash (which I can't get rid of, by the way) makes me feel like you're here. The Dolce Gabana 'Light Blue' cologne the girls and I bought you one fathers day - the one you couldn't find so you started using Axe products - well, I found it while unpacking and keep it in my purse! Crazy, I know... Then there's the couch. I've never told anyone this, but EVERYTIME I look at it I wanna throw it out of the house! It's where you last tucked me in, and where I was when I got the 'knock on the door' that horrible morning AND where I was sitting when the police gave me the worst news of my life. I've forced myself to sleep on it a couple of times thinking it was something I had to do to face the pain. Thinking it would help me face some things and magically make the pain go away - but it sure didn't work.

"The greatest loss is the company of that person, having him there," says Nancy, who lost her husband. "...He was always there to lift me up if something was wrong."

Aint that the truth!!! Just like right now - as I'm typing - I imagine what you'd be doing if you were here. My guess is that you'd be getting ready to leave for work and using the Magic Bullet to make your fruity protein shake using vanilla flavored Muscle Milk and frozen berries. Since I'm watching TV, I'd hear the blending all the way in our bedroom which you'd do in consideration of the fact that the blender is loud. I never even had to ask... Then again, I'm watching Criminal Minds reruns so you'd probably be sitting here right next to me to cover my eyes everytime Shemar Moore came on screen:)

I guess the reason I don't get rid of the couch is because of your chair! I don't even have your desk chair anymore, but I often imagine you in it! All the time you spent in it at the desk, or you rolling it to the end of the table at dinnertime, and of couse all the times you'd fall asleep on it with your laptop on your lap facing the TV. So as you can tell, getting rid of the couch probably wouldn't do me no good so why not just hold on to it?!?

I copied these thoughts from last nights GriefShare email titled "Companionship Is Gone". Just like how I feel about the couch, sometimes I feel like NOT reading these daily emails! I gave my book away (which is a compilation of these daily emails) to someone I felt needed it, but also because I couldn't stand how reading thru it 24/7 was making me face so much heartaching facts. Yes, they also reassure me of the hope I have in Christ and advise me of helpful ways to get through the grief in a healthy way...but it felt as though the pain felt was getting worse rather than better.

Babe, I don't know why I keep trying to put an "ETA" on when the roller coaster will end. I know in my heart that it never will! It may slow down and have less loops and swirls and twirls, but it won't ever stop. 1434