Feels Like Home

Tonight's been pretty chill. I helpped La a little bit putting her hair in pin curls....played some Word Fued and Words With Friends...spent about an hour or so in The Word...watched some movies...

For the past hour and a half, I've been watching How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days. I thought it would be pretty safe to watch until a simple, beautiful song literally took my breath away! A romantic comedy that is hilarious throughout...had me crackin up like crazy...yet just ONE song brought me to tears!

I forgot all about this song! I even forgot about the memory that makes this song so special... for goodness sake - the song isn't even in our slow jam playlist, or on my ipod at all, for that matter! I'm part mad that I forgot about it / part happy I was reminded of it and the memories that came with it / part HORRIBLY lonley, sad and angry because you're not here to relive the memories with me.

"Somethin' in your eyes, makes me wanna lose myself
Makes me wanna lose myself, in your arms

There's somethin' in your voice, makes my heart beat fast
Hope this feeling lasts, the rest of my life

If you knew how lonely my life has been
And how long I've been so alone

And if you knew how I wanted someone to come along
And change my life the way you've done

It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I come from

It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong

A window breaks, down a long, dark street
And a siren wails in the night

But I'm alright, 'cause I have you here with me
And I can almost see, through the dark there is light

Well, if you knew how much this moment means to me
And how long I've waited for your touch

And if you knew how happy you are making me
I never thought that I'd love anyone so much

It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way the back where I come from

It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong

It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong"

It was the beginning of 2008. Just weeks after we moved back to the Bay from SoCal. SoCal was safe. We let the kids play outside and even walk to and from school. Not at all like Oakland! It was night (oakland) and day (Aliso Viejo). The girls and I were sick as can be with allergies too! You had to spend a week in SoCal for work and had to leave us to be on our own for the first time.

I spent those nights awake and checking on every little noise we heard. It was always nothing, but each time I'd hear something the restlessness grew. Even though you and I were on the phone or texting a million times each day!

I cried and your voice comforted me. But as soon as we'd get off the phone I'd cry some more because I missed you so much. I longed for the security the girls and I felt having you close.

You came home after a looooong week with a paradise cake from Kings Hawaiian (YUM!), 1 red rose you bought on each of the 5 days you were working in SoCal,  a sweet card...one of those super-sentimental/mushy ones we loved to get eachother...and these lyrics hand written in the card. You said you heard the song on your drive back home and it reminded you how much you love us, missed us, and how you'd do anything to get us outta there and to a safer place . *sigh*

I'll never forget this song again! 1434

The Matsu's

Keila and I are here at the Matsuhara's for the night. La and I visited Isi & baby Romeo as soon as we got to the Bay. He is so adoreable!!! I'm so proud of Isi...and I'm sure you are too. Romeo's birth is definately something you were looking forward to.

This afternoon, La got to do her friends makeup for prom and from there we came to Tracy and hung out with the Matsu's till Annah and Jeff went out to a party. I'm so lucky they opened their home to us so we wouldn't have to drive back to Sac, then back to Castro Valley tomorrow for Keila's prom! Gas ain't cheap!

As soon as I walked in the house, everywhere I looked brought back memories of you. The place you sat when you practically inhaled Jeff's sushi bake with the liquid wasabi...the couch we'd always end up falling asleep on cuz it was so comfortable...our MAC (Matsuhara-Aragon-Contapay) holiday dinner...the times we grownups would sit at the table chatting the night away even though you had to work a few hours later...the fellowship and the friendship we all shared that grew so fast! Without a doubt- this family has become our family and that is something I am so grateful for! Annah and I sometimes reminisce about conversations we'd have about how ecxited we were to have eachothers family to grow old with. And even. Though you aren't physically here with us, your spirit remains with us.

I'm gonna study the Word for a couple hours before gettin some sleep...goodnight love of my life. 1434

Another Reason to Say Thanks...

I'm in such a thankful, happy mood right now...I don't want it to end or to forget this feeling so Imma tell you bout it:).

THANK YOU, my love! You left behind some awesome loved ones who continue to check up on us and remind us they're always there for us. Its still such a pleasure to hear about how much you "adored" the girls and I, and how so many people never knew we were your "adopted family" because the girls were your "step kids". Reading about your devotion via FB messages, emails, and cards I still receive will never get old!

So rest assured, baby, that we're gonna be alright! Imma keep searching for that job God wants for me, and until then it looks like the Hot Hula divas in Monterey/Salinas are as hooked on HH as Ate Mae is! And as I mentioned before, the proceeds are given to the girls and I each week! I didn't ask for it...Ate Mae is doing this because she wants to do what "Marky-Mark" would do if you were still here - make everything alright.

I have the Haights 11 miles away for when this house gets too unbearable to be in, and I need a reminder of Gods promises for us...or when iwe just want some yummy food and good company:). Thru them, I now have a great mechanic who I can trust won't take advantage of my lack of car-smarts. Ate Vee and Coya who do more than enough all the way from Hawaii. The Lails - goodness gracious...they're gonna be lovin on us and praying for us all the way from Angola! I'm not quite ready to face that whole change yet, and this is a HAPPY message so I'm just not gonna go there (although I am happy they're gonna let me look after their beautiful couches for the next 3 years! Wink-Wink).

BellaRenZoiLani and The Cabreras, even as busy as they are, continue to take the time to pray for us and be there for us wherever and whenever! Then there's all our nieces and nephews and their babies who bring so much JOY to my life! Even just thinking of their various personalities, successes, and talents makes me happy:). And I feel so honored and blessed everytime I get a text or message from your fam, reminding me of their thoughts and prayers for us. Even the few times I've been able to hang out with Fave and Fave Jr. Are always a blast!

Our church families: Refuge Community, Valley Bible, TCBC, and First Baptist. They all continue to minister to me through their love, prayers and the weekly sermon podcasts. (That reminds me-I gotta get a copy of the RCC sermons from Adrian!)

I have amazing friends from here to the East Coast who remind me of the importance of sincere, honest, loyal, lifelong friendships. They help keep me up everyday. Even some new friends I've met at your viewings/funeral and through FB are now friendships that'll last a lifetime.

All the people in our lives today KNOW who YOU were and continue to be in our minds and hearts. They knew your heart. That's why they all help see to it that YOUR GIRLS will be just fine. So thank you again, sweetness. Your life continues to speak into the hearts of many and because of that, we're all good baby:)!

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Bad Day - Good Night

I just LOVE ending bad days with good nights at the Haight's! There's nothin like a bunch of kids running around, lots of laughter, an amazing meal, and encouraging talks to remind me of just how blessed I really am:).

I could explain the lows, but they're not worth it. I'm abundantly blessed with an amazing family, loving friends, everything the girls and I NEED, and a million memories of you and the love we share. That's all that matters. As for everything else - I do my part, and the rest is in God's hands. Can't change the past, but I do have control over my perceptions. The two songs that help get me through are: Blessings, Laura Story; and Praise You in This Storm, Casting Crowns. I've posted them before...but it's my blog, so I can post them again:). Goodnight BooBoose. 1434

So much to think about...

Learning to live with pain is much tougher than it sounds. Today is a day of celebration. A day to praise and thank God for another wonderful year of Jin's life. But at the same time it hurts to think of how her teenage years will be without her Papa.

I always get compliments on how well Keila turned out. How beautiful, bright, and full of life and love she is. It's not just because of me, and our family - YOU had so much to do with that! How in the world am I gonna even come close to filling your shoes as Papa?

I thank God for the Alvarez's. Joseph, Silvia and the kids came over before Jin got out of school with balloons, pizza, cake and ice cream. When I came home from picking up Isa and Jin from school, Jin was so surprised:). I look at Joseph and am reminded of you by the way he wears his love for his family on his shoulder. When he said grace, I thought of how you always went beyond the simple "thank you for our food" and made sure to thank God for his blessings and favor over us. I'm so thankful that Jin has they as godparents...

Right now all three of the girls are over at their Lola Min's house with their Dad and family. This alone-time has been pretty sad, to say the least. I'm doing laundry, folding/hanging clothes, listening to our slow jam playlist, and thinking of how different things would be if you were still here.

I find myself doing that a lot! Not just big things...random little things too. Like right now, as I'm sitting here at the computer in an empty house, you'd be sitting in front of your laptop across the room from me. We'd be chatting on AIM about every gadget you find on the internet...sending me link after link to get me to agree that we NEED it. LoL

This morning when I woke up, I just laid there staring at the sunlight coming through the blinds and I was thinking of the mornings I'd wake-up hours after you...I could almost hear you downstairs listening to a Francis Chan sermon (really, really loud because the louder it was the less distractions from random noises).

I just miss you so much. I know I say that a lot...but it's cuz I really, really do. And I always will, thanks to the amazing man you were and the unique love we shared. You were one of a kind. There's no forgetting someone like you. So get used to me missing you, thinking of you 24/7, and crying over our slow-jam playlist because slow jam sessions will NEVER be the same without you here to dance in the kitchen with and sing to.

Well, that's all for now. I could go on forever but the clothes won't hang themselves (although I wish they would!). Talk to ya later boo. 1434

823

Right about now, wwe'd be getting back from our late-night WalMart trip with streamers, balloons and all sorts of goodies. You'd blow the ballons, I'd tie them and we'd cover Jin's bedroom floor with them. Keila would be working on a poster to put up on the wall right outside her room. You and I would hang streamers from the top of her bedroom door-frame. When our birthday girl wakes up, she'd freak out when she accidentally pops one of the purple balloons as she steps outta bed with her eyes halfway open. Then she'd open her door, move the streamers apart, and see the special-made "Happy Birthday" poster. From the moment she wakes up, she'd feel as celebrated as she deserves...

Unfortunately, I'm sick, walmart close by isn't 24 hours, money doesn't grow on trees, and you're not here...so things are gonna be a lil diffrent today-but still special.

Just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you...1434

Jin's a Teenager!!!

Our Jin-Jin is officially THIRTEEN! Our beautiful, braniac, musical genius, little girl is a teenager now! I wish you were here to help us make this day as special for her as she deserves...

Please send down some happy, party-animal angels to be with her throughout the day so she feels blessed and celebrated alllllll day long. Thanks babe. 1434

Personal Pity Party

Sorry about last nights personal-pity-party. I'm still sick, but not all messed-up like yesterday.Throughout our relationship, you were one who always anticipated mine and the girl's needs. Even more so when we were sick! Feeling like this without you here to take care of me makes me feel emotionally sick too. I know i'm a grown woman and more than capable of myself...but that doesn't mean I don't miss you taking care of me.

It's just another one of those uncomfortable, painful "firsts" without you. Nick snapped me back into reality with two Scripture passages I've wrote about before. Goes to show how quickly satan will attack when I'm down. I can so easily forget God's promises that I've held close throughout this grieving process. That needs to stop.

I haven't lost track of the abundance of blessings in my life. One, in particular, is Ate Mae! She become a certified Hot Hula instructor and is now teaching in the Monterey area. The proceeds from the classes she teaches are given to me to help the girls and I until I get a job. {Thank you to all the Hot Hula Diva's for your support! You're not only gettin yo groove on with my amazing sista, you're also blessing the girls and I with every class you attend! Mahalo Nui} She miss you so much...she tells me so all the time! She's doing this for you "Marky-Mark":).

Anyways, I took some meds and they're starting to kick-in. Goodnight sweetheart. 1434

Sick Mess

My allergies have been really bad, so my body has been in so much distress...I haven't worked out in a week. I'm a MESS! My emotions are outta whack and for the first time in a loooooong time I'm actually sick!Yesterday, I started off with a sore throat which was worse when I woke up today. I'm at an all time low. The past month has proved to be the most eventful, difficult, trying thus far. Grief, identity theft, no job, a delay in the processing of my taxes (due to the identity theft), electrical issues with my car, all the family functions (without you by my side), family "stuff", Dave's job transfer to Angola and Atch to follow him soon after, Jin's turning 13 Wednesday, Keila's upcoming high school graduation followed by her move to San Francisco State University, etc...

I try so hard to count all these as JOY, but the more I do the more the list grows.

Prayin for wisdom, strength and peace to continue counting this growing list as JOY!

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