I've had a rough couple of days babee... And what sucks the most is that I keep thinking about how things wouldnt have been so difficult if I had you here with me to keep sayin "we'll get thru this" and "no worries". Even in times when neither of us saw relief ahead, just having you here made everything ok.
BUT, despite the plumbers practically living with us, having a 7am appointment at Nissan to deal with my car issues and knowing they're gonna charge me an arm and a leg, and the rest of the random craziness that came my way in the last 48 hours or so I know I have a gazillion blessings to be thankful for! I hate that I get so down about stupid stuff...You're gone, and I havent been admitted into a psychiatric hospital (yet! LoL). Now THAT in and of itself is a major plus!
I need a job love! If you know of anyone up there who can work some heavenly magic to make something happen for me, please hook it up. ;)
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Valentines Day is coming up! Gosh, I cant even remember and Valentines Day's before we fell in love! You treated each one we shared as if it was a personal holiday created just for me! Even if we didnt have any funds to do much, you still made it a point to make me feel like a queen for the day:). I wanna make plans for that day because I know that if I dont I'll isolate myself and grieve HARD! Every V-Day we shared together was so special and I dont want to dread the future ones. I want to somehow celebrate you in a special way instead. BUT, I have no clue what to do! I'll probably bring the girls to Sushi House in Alameda and a movie like we did for V-Day 2010, or maybe head to all our special spots around the Bay like the Berkeley Pier, Lake Merritt, or Benicia where we first met in person?!?! Whatever I do, it'll be special and in your honor. I'll even bring you a single-rose like you gave me on our special days:).
What would've marked your 33rd earthly birthday is also coming up. Gosh! Does it have to be so close together with Valentines Day!?!?! LoL Man, if it were only possible to have you come back for one of these days...just for the day...even knowing you'd have to head back to Heaven after, I would SO make it happen! Even knowing it would mean that i'd have to start this whole grieving process all over again, I' still do it! Maybe the second time around the pain would kill me and I could be up there spending eternity with you!!! JUST KIDDING...quit shaking your head at me!;)
You know, I still havent cooked a "real" meal since you left. I dont consciously avoid it or anything though. In fact, I have a ton of chicken, turkey and meats in the freezer cuz I keep planning on cooking. But it never happens. Part of it is because I lack the energy to do it...but that never stopped me before. We even still have all that top ramen and pasta sauce we bought when you and I went to Winco on 10/30/10. The kids and I are on the road alot so we end up eating out...and when we are home we just end up eating whatever we can throw in the microwave or whip together quickly. Ha- we have a ton of Lean Cuisines in the freezer too!!! A friend suggested spending some time looking thru cookbooks or browsing recipe websites to get my creative juices flowing and make me crave the art of cooking again... Maybe for starters, I'll whip up your special bistek that Keila's been craving! Maybe thats why you were cooking it in that dream I asked you to not let happen again a couple weeks ago?!?! (Or was that last week? Whatever...you know which one I'm talkin bout.)
Speaking of Keila...man oh man! Watching her become a woman is such a terrifying joy! It seems like just yesterday we had that little party for her 15th birthday at the apartment! Then her suprise 16th birthday dinner with all her godparents. Babee, she's gonna graduate from high school in a couple months, start college, and turn 18 in October! My prayer for her has always been that she not somehow become a statistic because of the crazy past she had (thanks to her far-from-perfect mother), and the Lord sure answered that prayer a million times over!
All the talks we had with her during the good times, and the bad have stuck! And whats even more amazing than that is the fact that the impact YOU had on her life shines so bright! You never felt awkward about your role as Papa...all that mattered was that you guided her (as well as Jin & Isa) as only a loving Papa would. You never wasted time trying to figure out the expected role you should have played in her life, or questioned yourself about what "step fathers" should do or not do...you were Papa from the get-go. I know it, the girls know it, and everyone close to you knows it. And because of your natural Papa tendencies, no time was wasted with her not knowing what you're all about. She knew from the start that you love her as your own, because she was your own.
I recall a conversation I had with her a few weeks ago. She doesnt recall any times when you yelled at her or fought with her for any reason. Anytime there was a problem that had to be addressed, you would talk her thru it with love. Now, considering you were around when she started middle school AND were here during majority of her high school years, thats impressive! Thank you so much for being such an amazing Papa hun! Having you in her life has made her into the young lady she is and will have a huge influence on the man she chooses to marry one day. He will be THE ONE God created just for her (and be born on March 10, and be bald, and love the Lord, and have a martial arts background, and be a geek, etc...LoL).
Well my babee-boo-boo-head, I'll end this entry for now. Thank you for staying on my mind, especially thru the time I've been typing! It made me stop boo-hoo'ing about the past 48 hours, and truly start praising and thanking God for YOU! 1434
Here's my letter to you, Mark Matthew Aragon. The LOVE of my life, and Papa to our girls, who's Heavenly birthday is 11/04/2010. There's so much I want to say and if Heaven had a phone, I'd call. Missing & loving you more everyday, Lei
