Writing to you like this is a double-edged sword. The process of it is like therapy to me, but reading it reminds me how fresh these wounds are & how much of our lives have changed since you relocated to Heaven.
Sometimes, as I'm reading past entries, I feel like I'm reading about someone else. Like it's someone else's story. If it weren't for writing out how I feel at a particular time, I would probably forget feeling it. It's kinda like selective amnesia...I'll feel something I don't like, then when the feeling goes away I forget how it felt! Then I'll go back and read about it later and it triggers a recurrence of the darn feeling and the cycle continues...(Hope you're keeping up with my giberish!)
At the same time though, and depending on however I feel at the time, reading the same thing that made me sad one day can give me assurance and confidence the next! Basically, along with the rollercoaster of emotions I feel throughout each day, my perceptions seem to change too! Now, before you begin to think I'm crazy, this only happens to me when it comes to my memories of you and the grief I'm dealing with, and 99.9% of the time It's during the moments I spend alone. Most of the time when I'm around people, I feel like the old me again. I guess that's why night-time is so hard on me. Once the kids are asleep and Keila locks herself in her room, I'm alone.
Anyhoo...it's wierd writing you in the middle of the day! hahaha I'm like 10 hours ahead of myself! LoL I'll talk to you later boo. 1434
Here's my letter to you, Mark Matthew Aragon. The LOVE of my life, and Papa to our girls, who's Heavenly birthday is 11/04/2010. There's so much I want to say and if Heaven had a phone, I'd call. Missing & loving you more everyday, Lei
