Without Love, there would be no Grief...

What a night! I slept most of the day away...it was nice to catch up on some sleep. Last night, I chilled with fave for a couple hours and just caught up on life...then dealt with an after-hours long distant dilema with someone who meant the world to you and is still a big part of our lives even though we're miles away. I know you're watching over all of us and guiding us everyday...I just ask that you pay especially close attention to "the situation" and stay on you-know-who's mind and heart during these hard times.

Ate Sette and the kids were over tonight. Noah and Keila stayed at the house with the lil ones while Ate Sette had our own GriefShare meeting. In the car, we listened to session 1 and 2 of GriefShare and it felt so good to be completely transparent to her as certain feelings came up. Babee, I am not ok...and it's ok that I'm not! And it was nice to get reassurance from my sister that no one should expect me to be ok and that if I was, that would cause reason for concern!

I think the biggest thing I feel relieved to have admitted to her out loud is the fact that I am not ready to simply accept that your life has ended and mine and the girls continues. You have been such a huge part of our everyday lives for so long, and now that you're not here nothing makes sense! I cant imagine ever being used to or "ok" with the fact that I will never have a conversation with you, you'll never drive us around, we'll never get to take you to dinner on Fathers Day, you'll never take out the garbage, we cant simply text or call you with good news, I wont be able to ask your opinion about an outfit or if Keila overdid my makeup...all the little things you were a part of in our daily lives, and even the big things, will never be. I can write all that, and can even say it out loud! But accepting is as reality is the hardest thing to do.

After the Haights left, I sat with the girls and played part of GriefShare session 1. I told the girls that its ok to still be sad and miss you and that if ever they need to talk or someone to listen, we'll always be there for eachother. Looking into Jin and Lala's eyes I saw pain that they didnt know how to express. Isa, on the other hand, was so brave to express to us so much of her feelings. It was hard for her but she said she often thinks about you at night and while at school. She shared that there are times at school when she will seclude herself from all her friends and just cry...She said she didnt want to tell me because it would make me sad, and that killed me inside! My 10 year old is bottling-up feelings because SHE doesnt wanna see ME sad?!?!

The 3 of us loved on her as she cried and cried...As much as I didnt wanna break down in front of her, afraid that if I did this would be the last time she opens up to us like she did, a few tears did sneak out. We assured her that we are always here for her and even though there will be times she'd rather not come directly to us, I asked her to promise to talk to someone. Family, church, or even a teacher...she needs to talk about what she's feeling.

I reminded her of how special she was to you. You were a great part of more than half her life! I also reminded her about how in early 2010, you began addressing her by her other nickname "baby" because she was that special to you.

My love, theres just so, so much on my mind right now that I'm afraid its gonna be another one of those sleepless nights...but thats ok. I wont run from it, and I wont let it make me feel crazy. Without LOVE, there would be no grief.

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