Wishin for stars...

"But About midnight Paul and Silas were praying and singing hymns of praise to God, and the prisoners were listening to them; and suddenly there came a great earthquake, so that the foundations of the prisonhouse were shaken; and immediately all the doors were opened and everyone's chains were unfastened." Acts 16:25-26

Annah and I just started a study on Philippians called Experiencing God's Peace. I'm on the first chapter now and one of the key passages is Acts 16:25-26. This passage reminds me of the song "Shake the Foundation" by Joe Pace. (Now that's a CD that was on constant replay in our car for the longest time!) Its so encouraging to know how Paul and Silas handled the painful and difficult circumstances they were in! It gives me such hope and encouragement...

Tonight is one of those nights I wish there were at least one star in the sky for me to gaze at and talk to you...but writing to you always works too. I went to Tito Toti's viewing earlier with Mama and Lala. It was the third one in less than four months babee! Including yours and Uncle Alvin's!

When I saw Tita Cora, she wrapped her arms around me and asked me how I "do it"! How I make it thru each day without you. After 61 years of marriage, she lost the love of her life so suddenly... One minute, he's in Kaiser to be treated for pain, finds out he has cancer, and died 23 hours later! Devastating!

I wished there were words I could speak into her life to comfort her, but there werent. She told me that she still looks at his chair and talks to him...asks if he wants coffee...asks if he wants to watch the game... Its so sad! I gave her a GriefShare devotional and told her how it helps me tremendously since you passed away. And I shared with her some of the ways I "do it", like writing to you and visiting some of the special places that we made memories. But it seems like all I managed to do was assure her that this is the most difficult thing she'll ever experience in her life.

I thought about Auntie Kim, who lost Uncle Alvin after many years of marriage and caring for him so selflessly during his last years after the stroke. After four years of praying he'll get better, but knowing in her heart that his time was coming...

The three of us experienced our losses in such different ways, yet each left us grieving widows who miss our husbands dearly. They have many years of memories, as do their children and grandchildren. We have a "few" years of many memories...and many years ahead to grieve over the future we would have shared together. Neither is harder nor easier than the other, as far as I'm concerned.

Its so hard to even imagine "JOY" in all this! How am I supposed to be happy when even my best day is horrible without you here to experience it with me? Since I was a little girl, music had been my outlet. I would analyze and reflect on the lyrics of even the saddest songs to put myself in the shoes of the writer, and it would bring me peace. Nowadays, even worship songs remind me of the desparate place I'm in! They still put me in a state of awe and praise, but sadness at the same time! They remind me of the biggest reason I need His love, grace and strength right now which is to get through life here on earth as a child of God who's heart is aching so terribly.

Rather than getting "easier", I'm finding that its getting tougher to deal each day. I keep finding more and more secondary losses to deal with. I went thru a long list before, but I keep coming up with more! Some of the stuff may seem silly or minor, but still significant in terms of our grief. Like losing the man who would make sure all the doors and windows are locked at night; losing the geek who would troubleshoot our comcast issues then call them and talk all that techy stuff till the problem is fixed; losing my personal masseuse who would "chop-chop" my back when it would ache; losing the only tall person in the house who would easily grab stuff from high shelves when needed; losing mr. Muscles who would do any heavy lifting or moving of furniture when needed; and the list will continue to grow and grow...

Jin shared with me a couple letters she wrote to you in her private journal. She wrote out a list of things she misses most about you and said:
"Even though our family and other people can do those things for us, no one in my life could ever do it the way that you did...I would give up anything to go back to the way it was before...nothing compares to living with you here with us. It might feel like we have everything that we ever needed right now, but I feel that without you here anymore my life isn't complete." The following entry she mentions "When you were still here we used to talk about a bunch of stuff. We would talk about our relationship, about church, school, sports, and about how much you loved and cared about us."

Babee...I would give anything to take away the pain our girls are feeling. We ALL miss you so much, and that will never change. Please sprinkle some of your quiet strength on us each day to get us by. 1434