Giberish = Thinking out loud via blog.

WARNING-alot of what you're about to read probably wont make any sense whatsoever! Then again, you get me so its all good:)!

I sooooo needed you today! It's been one of those days where I really felt incomplete! I dont even know what it was specifically, but something flipped the switch that made me feel your absence like never before. It really sucks babe! Its as if I carried on like you just werent with me all these months, but you'd be back. Then I woke up today and realized you were really, truly gone:(. Our whole system is outta whack! There's no more "we"...

I HATE this feeling! It's like I went to sleep intact, then woke up missing an arm and a leg. Now that I think about it, I have had days like this before...but then I went back to denial-mode and now I'm back to reality again?!?!?! Its like I have selective amnesia sometimes. I'll never forget the pain of losing you, but somehow I'm able to be numb to it all. Kinda like those times you'd get mad at me for trying to act like i'm not sick, when I really was in an attempt to use reverse psychology on my cooties...thinking it would just make em go away. It hardly worked then, so I dont know why the heck I think it would work now!

I try not to feel wierd around people who once knew us as Mark & Lei, or ijklm, but its hard. We did everything together! But not no mo:(. I could bore you with the details, but you know whats up. And if you dont, just reread my past posts to refresh your memory...

I feel like this roller coaster is never gonna end! Everytime I get to a place where I can see the ending near, I smack myself upside the head and say "sike"!

I feel disabled. Like, I know what I want and need to do to continue "moving on", but I dont have what I need to do it (that would be YOU!). I dont know how to be without you! I wonder everyday how in the world I lived pre-US! I used to get soooooooo much accomplished in 24 hours! Now I can hardly imagine how I was able to work ten million jobs and go to school and be mommy and workout at 4am on weekdays...and still have a life!

Maybe once I start working again things will get normal again (whatever that is)?!? Now only if someone would hurry up and hire me so I could tell for sure!!!

Oh my gulay!!! As I'm typing, my daily GriefShare email came. Seriously! I really think that whoever chooses what to send each day is stalking me!!!

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No Longer a Couple
Day 123

Many things in society today are couple oriented, and you are probably very conscious of and disturbed by the fact that you are no longer part of a couple.

"Socially, You feel like an outcast. You go into a group you used to be part of as a couple, and all of a sudden you feel so alone," says Rev. John Coulombe.

This feeling of loneliness and the consciousness that you are not part of a couple may cause you to avoid going into group situations where most of the other people are couples. God disagrees with the idea that three's a crowd. He reveals in His Word that great strength is available when three people come together.

Ecclesiastes 4:12 says, "Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken."

Matthew 18:20 says, "For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them."

Give your friends a chance, and don't think you are no longer welcome because your spouse is not with you. Let God give you the courage to go into situations in which you may feel awkward or unwanted.

Powerful God, I've been prejudging my friends and assuming they don't really want me around. My relationships with friends are different now, but different does not mean less loving or caring. Clear my vision to see how these relationships can become fuller and deeper because of You. Amen.
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With that said, I think I'm done rambling on and on and on and on..... I love you more than hazelnut chocolate Lindor Truffles!!! :)