I can't believe its been 6 whole months! I still catch myself feeling like you're away on a trip and are coming back to us. Thinking that way helps me get by day to day. Is that wrong? Am I doing more harm than good? If I am, how do I change it? I haven't figured out how to live without you. Will I ever?
I miss coming to you to talk me thru life situations and mishaps. I'm dependent on you telling me what to do, say and how to act when I didn't know what to do say or how to act in certain situations. And sometimes, you'd have to point things out that were right in front of me but I overlooked them because I was too busy trying to figure things out.
There is so much going on in my life right now, but without you here to go thru it with me and see what I can't see I'm just trying not to deal with it all. I lean on the Lord and continue to strengthen my faith, but the whatever I do accomplish each day has everything to do with God's strength (NOT my own), and my refusal to accept that you're not coming back. It makes no sense, but it is what it is. I feel like I'm taking all the right steps, but in reality I'm just on a treadmill not going anywhere. It's like I'm studying the Word while waiting up for you to come home late so we can figure things out.
I feel like a loony toon for knowing you're not coming back, while kidding myself into feeling like you are. Again-I'm making no sense to myself, but I'm sure you're getting me. It's like how I can set our clock 15 minutes ahead...sometimes I'd fall for it when the alarm goes off, sometimes I won't.
I've heard so much nonsense about how "it gets easier after 6 months", or "things will be back to normal". The people who believe that mess must not have ever lost someone so special in their lives! Or am I the exception? Am I the only one who continues to hold on after "all this time"?
Soooooooo many thoughts and questions are racing thru my mind as we are just hours away from your 6 month Heavenly birthday. I'd give anything to hear your voice as you give me all the answers. I need my man. The girls need their Papa. Shoot-the girls need their Mama AND Papa! This grieving single-mama business ain't working!
Anyways...I'm sorry to have rained on whatever 6 month Hb'day celebration you're having up there. I am glad you are in a better place experiencing unfathomable joy and happiness. I just don't want to accept it quite yet.
You're still my everything...1434.
