I always miss you, but I thought I'd share what I'm missing the most right this moment. The girls and I are chillin, watching tv. They're sitting on the floor and I'm on the couch behind them. This reminds me of those moments we'd all hang out together. All of us-IJKL&M!
What I miss the most about those times is having your arms around me. You always held me! Even the times I'd be hot and sweaty...you never cared. You always wanted to hold me. And all the times I whined about you smelling like FedEx (lol)-you'd wash up and come right back to me and hold me.
You always made me feel so beautiful, loved, desired and safe- A million times more than I ever did before you came into my life, and regardless of what I felt about myself or saw in the mirror. I miss feeling that way.
***
Whew! I just took a break from writing. Our poor girls...they feel so bad when I cry, especially when I cry out loud. But I had "the talk" with them about how it's good for me and an important part of the grieving process for me to just let it out-wherever, and whenever.
I've done a lot of crying in the last couple of weeks. The tears kinda lessened for a while, but lately they've been overflowing. Its weird though...one minute I'll be crackin up with the kids, then a memory of you will pop into my head and I'll start crying, the next minute I'll be talking about how I want to start a veggie garden after allergy season!
Even though that all sounds crazy, part of the "new me" requires being OK with crazy:). For instance, right now my eyes may be raw and sore from crying (and allergies too), but I feel soooooo good to have taken that 10 minutes to just cry! I'm crying because I miss you, not because I feel sorry for myself. These tears that are well-deserved because of the rare love we shared...because I miss that. Not that the love isn't there anymore...but now, without you physically here I can't see, hear or feel it like I'm so used to.
I'm learning to LIVE with pain and no longer trying to live denying the pain.
Goodnight booboose. 1434
Here's my letter to you, Mark Matthew Aragon. The LOVE of my life, and Papa to our girls, who's Heavenly birthday is 11/04/2010. There's so much I want to say and if Heaven had a phone, I'd call. Missing & loving you more everyday, Lei
