Abundantly BLeSSeD!!!

Keila and I had so much fun tonight with our VBC family!!! I got such a great response to my Blessings Unlimited biz...AND was offered another vendor gig by a new friend who's been praying for us for months! Even before I met her, which was tonight:). I sure learned a lot tonight...I'm definately gonna be much more prepared for my next gig, no doubt. God is so amazing!!!

I have a feeling that God has something BIG in store for the girls and I in the near future. My job search has been horrible. It took MONTHS for your BB W2 to arrive, which gave whoever used your SS# a chance to file taxes electronically before I was able to. And because they did, now I have to file a paper return which will of course will stall our refund a bit longer. And now I'm hearing about some government issue which will delay the processing of all paper returns. SO, with all that in mind, plus the fact that I've been anticipating our refund to pay some bills and provide for our girls, God MUST have something big for us in the near future! He is our ultimate provider, after all... So, either the perfect job is right around the corner OR my Blessings Unlimited biz is gonna blow up! Either way, I'm trustin, prayin, and gonna do all I can in the meantime.

I'm suprised everyday with things that don't go "MY way", but in the end I know that He's sustained us this far, so I have a ton to be grateful for.

Well my love, I'm gonna call it a night because that drive from Hercules exhausted the heck outta me...1434.

OK...just one more:)

If you had the chance to sing a song from the bottom of your heart before you took your last breath, I bet this would be it...

Love

This song TOTALLY brings me back... Imma just have to picture YOU singing this again:

Goodness, gracious...

Hey babee. Have I told you lately that I miss you like crazy? :)

I've got my first vendor-booth-gig tomorrow at VBC for my Blessings Unlimited biz. I'm sooooooo excited! I have no clue what i'm doing, but who better then our VBC Worship Ministry family to kick-start my biz with?!? I get to showcase a bunch of items, hand out catalogs, and shmooze with friends:) I'm so excited!!!

So, I haven't quoted any GriefShare emails lately cuz they've been kinda BO-RING! A lot of "remarriage" topics that I'm just not remotely interested in. Not to say it's wrong...it's just not right for me. There's just no way any man would stand a chance with a heart that's still in your hands! Goodness, gracious...

Anyways, I've got a long day ahead of me so I'm gonna start getting things ready then head to bed. See you in my dreams my suga-baby:) 1434

Oh Nicole!

Thanks to my lovely bff Nicole, I went back to the beginning of this never-ending letter to you and started reading. I did pretty well until December 17th where what I wrote is exactly what I woke-up feeling today...without realizing I wrote about it before! (Make sense? LoL)

"I still get those feelings of disbelief now and then. The numbness comes and goes and so does acceptance of reality. It's wierd because I am fully aware that you're gone, so I know i'm in touch with reality...but there are times when I have to remind myself that you're not coming back. When I say "I miss you so much it hurts", I literally mean that it hurts! I go thru the same thing everyday: I'll recall a memory, laugh or feel comforted by it, then hurt so bad because I'll never get to experience that memory with you again. It's a never-ending cycle and although I have hope and know that the Lord brought me to it, so He'll bring me thru it, it's so painful."

I just had to stop reading a moment to share that. It's so amazing how God not only uses your old writings and memories to minister to me now that you're gone; but he also uses ME to minister to ME! What a blessing!

I miss and love you more my fresh prince:)

Sick and Tired

Once again, I took a trip down your FB page. Sometimes I find myself wishing you were here to talk things through with, so I'm so blessed to be able to go back to read your posts and comments. You posted so many words of wisdom that help me even now, so THANK YOU!

Tonight, what really spoke volumes to me is what you posted on May 25 at 7:22am:
"If you are sick and tired of being in the same situation day in and day out. Keep this in mind. God did not want you to be content (w/ feeling sick and tired), he actually commands us to change... "Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect." Romans 12: 2

After many "likes" and "thank you's", you posted: "I'm glad I can be a voice of inspiration for everyone....I'm just reiterating the good Book......"


Babee - I am sick and tired of being in the same situation day in and day out!!! I have never found myself feeling so helpless and emoitonal in my life! On top of everything, the fact that it's been so difficult to find a job has totally broken me...

It's not necessarily the situation I'm in that's got me sick and tired - I know it's a blessing for me to be going through this whole grieving process cuz if I wasn't, that would mean something's terribly wrong. What I'm really sick and tired of is the fact that I can't expect anything. I can't plan on how I'm gonna feel an hour from now, let alone tomorrow! The only thing I'm ever successful at scheduling is getting the girls to/from school and AWANAs, but even that doesn't always work out as it should.

Through your FB page, you're telling me "God did not want you to be content (with being sick and tired, that is), he actually commands us to change...". HE commands me to change! I MUST CHANGE! I get that! So, can you tell me what to change? I'm so used to saying "alright babee - I can't figure it out, or decide what to do, so tell me what you want me to do and I'll do it!" It was so much easier that way! To be able to just trust in you and know that you always had our best interest at heart was such a comfort.

I have to do ALL the discerning now. There's no more bouncing ideas off of you or simply saying "you decide"...Everything's on me! Ya, it feels nice when I make a right decision and things turn out fine...But when I'm wrong about something, I feel the weight of the consequences 10-times stronger! I don't know how to be "alone". I miss being a couple...

I need to TRUST in HIM! It's so easy to say I do, but I need to daily surrender all of me to HIM! I was there before...WE were there before. Now, I'm praying for the strength to get there again. Your quiet strength helps, but I need Christ's power to fill the void left in me without you here.

Another verse that came to mind after reading your page...one about contentment too, is:
"I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength."
Philippians 4:11-13

For a second, it seems like it says the opposite of what you were saying about contentment - but after REALLY reading it, it's telling me that rather than being content with simply wanting things, I need to change my thought process and be happy and OK with what I am blessed with. That makes so much sense to me now! Wow! I love writing you:)

1434

5 Months already???

(I had to make some corrections...it's been 5 months - not 6. I've been "off" all day!!!)

I spent all day long searching and applying for jobs on the net. This search has been so painful! Part of me wants to believe that the employers I've interviewed with are just afraid to hire me because of the drastic life changes that have occured in my life in the last six months... For the first couple months, I was using my markandlei.com email address so I changed it after thinking that people I'm sending my resumes to might be following my rollercoaster of emotions on my blog! Maybe I should write more about how I CAN handle a job amidst these emotions cuz my momma raised me that way. It's that RUIZ blood flowin through my veins!

So, five months have come and gone...I was tellin the girls this morning that half a year (I meant "almost half a year"...I've been OFF all day!) has gone by so fast and that before we know it, your 1st Heavenly birthday will be here. FIVE MONTHS, and at times I still feel like you're just "away" and can be back any moment. I wonder if that feeling will ever end?!?! Or, is feeling this way God's way of helping me make it through each day? His way of "weaning" me off of living a life with you, to a life without you?

I guess that no matter what His will is for me in all this, I just gotta continue to trust that it is what it is - HIS will, not my own. These jobs I've applied to, no matter how perfect I may think they'd be, are NOT in line with HIS will for me. As long as I am doing my part and actively seeking a job in order to provide for our family, I MUST TRUST that HE WILL PROVIDE! Just as he has since day one.

I really, REALLY miss you! Happy 5 month Heavenly birthday booboose...1434.

What a long, short weekend!

Friday

6:30am
Keila and I headed to the airport to park the car, check-in luggage, and wait on our flight. Lala decided to pull an all-nighter so she could sleep on the plane, even though the flight was only an hour and a half! LoL I miss traveling with you...

8am
We boarded the plane. We were in the second half of boarding groupl B, so we ended up in the very back of the plane so we could sit together! Guess what babe, I didn't need any help putting my seat belt on this time:)! That felt sooooo good!!! I looked through the SkyMall magazine and smiled at all the silly-gadgets. I remember how you'd nudge me throughout our flights to show me something you'd want and tell me about how you wish you'd thought up some of that stuff yourself:) LoL

9:30am
We landed in VEGAS! You know, it didn't even hit me till we landed that the weekend we got married was my first time in Vegas, and this past weekend was my first trip there without you:(. What a thought to start off my weekend in the city that never sleeps!!!!! I miss cutting off the circulation in your hand during while landing...

11:30am
Met Sarah, Marc & Siara Alonzo at Tahiti Joes for lunch. It was so nice to see them! We tried to meet-up with them in Monterey so many times before before 11/4, but something always came up (on our end). It really tore me up inside that the last time they saw us was at your funeral. From SoCal to the bay, their friendship has always meant so much to us.

12:20pm
We got checked-in at Excalibur. While I was checking us in, all I could think of was one of our trips to Vegas when you shmoozed your way to an upgraded room at check-in. You made a best-friend out of almost EVERYONE you spoke to!

12:45pm
As we were walking to our room, I got some bad news via email. The job I was soooo excited about was given to someone else. That was the first time I teared-up through a hotel! Thank GOD Angie & Keila were there to make me smile/laugh through the tears... I couldn't believe it! The day before, I had the most amazing interview and was told that it was between me and another candidate, AND was told I'd get a call by Monday to schedule the next interview. But I got rejected before getting the opportunity to WoW the next manager. Another thing to affect my mood so early in the trip. And although I got a lot of love and support from Angie and my family, I really miss your ability to cheer me up in all situations...

1:30pm
Our luggage STILL wasn't dropped off to our room! Considering the news I got about the job, I probably shouldn't have been the one to call the bell desk! LoL Good thing I gave the phone to Angie before the supervisor came on the phone! If you were there, you would've gone downstairs and got our stuff yourself! LoL

2pm
After our luggage finally arrived, Keila went to hang out with her cousins while Angie and I hung-out downstairs at the casino. I probably shouldn't have been told that in Vegas, you get free drinks even playing penny slots! LoL I had a few glasses of merlot due to my mood AND the fact that they were free! I miss how you'd know exactly when to cut me off because you knew my alcohol-tolerance-level better than I did...

5pm
Angie rescued me from the penny slots and we went to eat at a resturant in our hotel. Dick's Last Resort, known as "The Shame O' the Strip." THAT, my dear, was the strangest experience ever! Service with sarcasm is their motto, yet there was more sarcasm than service! Angie and I had a blast though:).

6:45pm
After dinner, I went up to the room to take a nap because the wine totally messed me up! I didn't wake-up till 5 hours later! Ha! I came to Vegas to take a friggin nap! LoL But considering the way my day went, the best thing for me to do was spend my night resting! Without a doubt, I missed how you used to spoon me and lightly stoke my forhead to relax my eyelids till I'd knock-out! That was the BEST way to fall asleep while stressed...

Saturday

7am
Rise & Shine! We all (Me, Angie, Alana & Keila) got up to get ready for the reason we went to Vegas! Luckily, I showered before I went to bed hours earlier...4 chicks in a hotel room with an hour and a half to get ready?!? hahaha We got to Bally's at 9am. As soon as I walked into the convention room the music brought me back to the YTB convention in St. Louis that we went to! You were the DJ at the after-party. I went around and said hello to the life-long friends we made through YTB. Next thing I knew, they called up "the family of Mark Aragon" to the stage. Al, Alana, Moe, Aaron, your Mom, Myk, Jamie, Keila and I made our way up there as Arlyne said amazing things about you. Al said a few sweet words about his baby brother, your mom shared, then my heart spoke a little about the Man of God you were, your passion for our biz, then said thanks. Here's the beautiful plaque they presented in your honor:

What a privlege and an honor to be a part of such an amazing YTB family! We share so many memories with so many of them from meetings at Marie Callendars, to road trips and "YTP" ;), to karaoke with Arlyne while she does her hammer-dance, the 2009 convention in St. Louis, and so much more. I miss the way you'd passionately work our YTB biz! It was always about BLeSSiNG others...

Later that night at around 9 or 10'ish, Angie and I headed back to Bally's to kick-it with friends. Louis, Myk & Jamie chilled with us at Indigo Lounge, there at Bally's. There was a filipino band performing and they were pretty good. A little after Joy joined us, I had to "peace-out"! I didn't think being there would be so sad for me. I never had to sit while everyone was dancing. Ya, I could've got on the dance floor and danced with friends, but all I could think of was YOU! A couple of the songs played and performed even brought me back to specific times being on a dance floor with you. So, before becoming a party-pooper, I excused myself from the fun. I SOOOOOO miss the fun we had anywhere and wherever there was music...

Sunday

2am
We made it back to our room where we got all our stuff packed and ready to go. Then Keila, Angie & I had a late dinner/early breakfast at the McDonalds in the hotel. We got back to the hotel room around 4:30 and took a half-hour power nap before checking-out and heading to the airport because Angie's flight was at 7am and she had to return the car. Mine and Keila's flight wasn't till 8 so we chilled and snored until it was time to board...then we just snored:).

11am
We got home at 11am to find a mailbox full of mail addressed to YOU! Not one piece for us...all for you! Wassup with that babe??? LoL After settling in, I made the mistake of browsing through the show's I had DVRd. I started the "Grey's Anatomy turned Glee" episode, thinking it would bore me to sleep, but instead it brought me to tears and I watched the whole thing! So much for KO'ing as soon as I got home! LoL

It was an interestingly-wierd episode...but it made me think of you and the moments surrounding your death and how much I hope an angel-version of me was there to serenade you through it all...

ANYHOO...I pretty much slept till this morning:). Jason picked Keila up before heading to Jiya's 1st birthday party at 3. Then Isa, Jin & Lala got dropped off at home around 9pm. I smothered them a bit before falling back to sleep, then woke-up this morning to bring them to school:).

So that, my love, was the shortest version of our weekend that made the most sense:). Thinking of you and missing you 24/7...1434