It amazes me just how possible it is to miss you so much that something like a song could make my heart literally start pounding! And how I can feel the feelings I felt years ago when it was "our song" all over again! There were a lot of songs throughout our relationship that seemed were written about us. THIS was one of the first.
We unintentionally fell for eachother, and fell HARD! It was definately something we did not expect at first, especially as complicated as our lives were when we met. We sure werent looking for relationships on Myspace! But the more we got to know eachother, the strangest thing happened...we fell in love.
I love you more:).
Here's my letter to you, Mark Matthew Aragon. The LOVE of my life, and Papa to our girls, who's Heavenly birthday is 11/04/2010. There's so much I want to say and if Heaven had a phone, I'd call. Missing & loving you more everyday, Lei
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Friday, March 18, 2011
Short and sweet...
'Nuff About me and my issues!!! Keila got her acceptance letter to SFSU today:)! The rest of today is all about her and celebrating her excitement! Wish you were here to celebrate her with us, but I'm sure you're up there celebrating too. 1434
Gettin Through It
Everyday is a struggle. A constant battle to keep from succumbing to my natural human instinct to just give up. It's hard not knowing what to do with myself after spending years being "us". You're probably wiggin-out after reading my last 2 posts which is why I'm writing this 3rd one. Rest assured that I wanna push forward more than I wanna give up. I wanna be happy and I want the girls to be happy more than I wanna spend my days sad, feeling like it's the end of the world. And I wanna live the rest of my life pleasing in God's eyes more than I wanna question God and feel like He forgot about me. I'm still up for the fight with the strength only God can provide.
I'm hurting and a mess, but still gettin through it by the grace of God. 1434
I'm hurting and a mess, but still gettin through it by the grace of God. 1434
Waiting by the phone...
I wish so much that I could talk to you right now... It doesnt have to be in person! I'd be more than willing to have a phone conversation with you, or even a text chat would be enough! Sometimes I stare at my phone just wishing you would call me. And other times I see the green light flashing and I want to find a text or email from you. You are the only person on earth who understood me. When I talked in circles, trying to over-explain my feelings because I dont wanna offend anyone and I want to be clearly understood, YOU understood my word vomit! Sometimes things would come up and all I'd have to do is look at you, and you'd say "I know babe, I know"...without me saying a word! So many emotions...so many perceptions...and no you to translate what I'm feeling into words. I'd rather disregard my feelings than try to explain em, but that never turns out right and eventually I find myself in a situation where I have to speak up. Then I just just make a mess by somehow miscommunicating what I'm feeling!
I've never grieved like this before...NEVER! One day I was the loved wife of an amazing man who was "the other half that made me whole"...and the next day I was an incomplete widow. There was no widowhood 101 at any schools I attended. There's no step-by-step manual on how to grieve my husband. And even worse, you didnt leave a manual for everyone I come in contact with on how to understand me!
I just wish I were an open book. That way, everyone can read me and understand me...like only you know how. Gosh, I need you.
1434
I've never grieved like this before...NEVER! One day I was the loved wife of an amazing man who was "the other half that made me whole"...and the next day I was an incomplete widow. There was no widowhood 101 at any schools I attended. There's no step-by-step manual on how to grieve my husband. And even worse, you didnt leave a manual for everyone I come in contact with on how to understand me!
I just wish I were an open book. That way, everyone can read me and understand me...like only you know how. Gosh, I need you.
1434
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Giberish = Thinking out loud via blog.
WARNING-alot of what you're about to read probably wont make any sense whatsoever! Then again, you get me so its all good:)!
I sooooo needed you today! It's been one of those days where I really felt incomplete! I dont even know what it was specifically, but something flipped the switch that made me feel your absence like never before. It really sucks babe! Its as if I carried on like you just werent with me all these months, but you'd be back. Then I woke up today and realized you were really, truly gone:(. Our whole system is outta whack! There's no more "we"...
I HATE this feeling! It's like I went to sleep intact, then woke up missing an arm and a leg. Now that I think about it, I have had days like this before...but then I went back to denial-mode and now I'm back to reality again?!?!?! Its like I have selective amnesia sometimes. I'll never forget the pain of losing you, but somehow I'm able to be numb to it all. Kinda like those times you'd get mad at me for trying to act like i'm not sick, when I really was in an attempt to use reverse psychology on my cooties...thinking it would just make em go away. It hardly worked then, so I dont know why the heck I think it would work now!
I try not to feel wierd around people who once knew us as Mark & Lei, or ijklm, but its hard. We did everything together! But not no mo:(. I could bore you with the details, but you know whats up. And if you dont, just reread my past posts to refresh your memory...
I feel like this roller coaster is never gonna end! Everytime I get to a place where I can see the ending near, I smack myself upside the head and say "sike"!
I feel disabled. Like, I know what I want and need to do to continue "moving on", but I dont have what I need to do it (that would be YOU!). I dont know how to be without you! I wonder everyday how in the world I lived pre-US! I used to get soooooooo much accomplished in 24 hours! Now I can hardly imagine how I was able to work ten million jobs and go to school and be mommy and workout at 4am on weekdays...and still have a life!
Maybe once I start working again things will get normal again (whatever that is)?!? Now only if someone would hurry up and hire me so I could tell for sure!!!
Oh my gulay!!! As I'm typing, my daily GriefShare email came. Seriously! I really think that whoever chooses what to send each day is stalking me!!!
***********
No Longer a Couple
Day 123
Many things in society today are couple oriented, and you are probably very conscious of and disturbed by the fact that you are no longer part of a couple.
"Socially, You feel like an outcast. You go into a group you used to be part of as a couple, and all of a sudden you feel so alone," says Rev. John Coulombe.
This feeling of loneliness and the consciousness that you are not part of a couple may cause you to avoid going into group situations where most of the other people are couples. God disagrees with the idea that three's a crowd. He reveals in His Word that great strength is available when three people come together.
Ecclesiastes 4:12 says, "Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken."
Matthew 18:20 says, "For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them."
Give your friends a chance, and don't think you are no longer welcome because your spouse is not with you. Let God give you the courage to go into situations in which you may feel awkward or unwanted.
Powerful God, I've been prejudging my friends and assuming they don't really want me around. My relationships with friends are different now, but different does not mean less loving or caring. Clear my vision to see how these relationships can become fuller and deeper because of You. Amen.
***********
With that said, I think I'm done rambling on and on and on and on..... I love you more than hazelnut chocolate Lindor Truffles!!! :)
I sooooo needed you today! It's been one of those days where I really felt incomplete! I dont even know what it was specifically, but something flipped the switch that made me feel your absence like never before. It really sucks babe! Its as if I carried on like you just werent with me all these months, but you'd be back. Then I woke up today and realized you were really, truly gone:(. Our whole system is outta whack! There's no more "we"...
I HATE this feeling! It's like I went to sleep intact, then woke up missing an arm and a leg. Now that I think about it, I have had days like this before...but then I went back to denial-mode and now I'm back to reality again?!?!?! Its like I have selective amnesia sometimes. I'll never forget the pain of losing you, but somehow I'm able to be numb to it all. Kinda like those times you'd get mad at me for trying to act like i'm not sick, when I really was in an attempt to use reverse psychology on my cooties...thinking it would just make em go away. It hardly worked then, so I dont know why the heck I think it would work now!
I try not to feel wierd around people who once knew us as Mark & Lei, or ijklm, but its hard. We did everything together! But not no mo:(. I could bore you with the details, but you know whats up. And if you dont, just reread my past posts to refresh your memory...
I feel like this roller coaster is never gonna end! Everytime I get to a place where I can see the ending near, I smack myself upside the head and say "sike"!
I feel disabled. Like, I know what I want and need to do to continue "moving on", but I dont have what I need to do it (that would be YOU!). I dont know how to be without you! I wonder everyday how in the world I lived pre-US! I used to get soooooooo much accomplished in 24 hours! Now I can hardly imagine how I was able to work ten million jobs and go to school and be mommy and workout at 4am on weekdays...and still have a life!
Maybe once I start working again things will get normal again (whatever that is)?!? Now only if someone would hurry up and hire me so I could tell for sure!!!
Oh my gulay!!! As I'm typing, my daily GriefShare email came. Seriously! I really think that whoever chooses what to send each day is stalking me!!!
***********
No Longer a Couple
Day 123
Many things in society today are couple oriented, and you are probably very conscious of and disturbed by the fact that you are no longer part of a couple.
"Socially, You feel like an outcast. You go into a group you used to be part of as a couple, and all of a sudden you feel so alone," says Rev. John Coulombe.
This feeling of loneliness and the consciousness that you are not part of a couple may cause you to avoid going into group situations where most of the other people are couples. God disagrees with the idea that three's a crowd. He reveals in His Word that great strength is available when three people come together.
Ecclesiastes 4:12 says, "Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken."
Matthew 18:20 says, "For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them."
Give your friends a chance, and don't think you are no longer welcome because your spouse is not with you. Let God give you the courage to go into situations in which you may feel awkward or unwanted.
Powerful God, I've been prejudging my friends and assuming they don't really want me around. My relationships with friends are different now, but different does not mean less loving or caring. Clear my vision to see how these relationships can become fuller and deeper because of You. Amen.
***********
With that said, I think I'm done rambling on and on and on and on..... I love you more than hazelnut chocolate Lindor Truffles!!! :)
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Days are better - Nights suck less:)
My days are getting better! Well, I guess I may be speaking too soon since I'm basing this realization on the last three days which immediately followed a VERY significant week for us. But it is what it is:) My nights suck much less too! I'm still up all night, but I'm actually doing something productive rather than listening to depressing music and crying. I think the Bible study I'm in is REALLY helping!
Finding God's Path Through Your Trials
CHAPTER ONE: Accepting the TRUTH
"Life need not be easy to be joyful. Joy is NOT the absence of trouble, but the presence of Christ." William Vander Hoven
"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds..." James 1:2
This particular study is on the book of James which gives the basics needed for handling trials in a godly way. How to face trials head-on and take a positive approach - to REJOICE!
Trials are a fact of life. While we're instructed to count trials as JOY, God allows us the privilege of choosing our attitude toward trials...sorrowful or joyful. Easier said than done, I thought?!? But now I understand the fact that counting trials as JOY is a matter of FAITH, not feelings! It's done with my mind, not my emotions! It's a mental discipline and an issue of sheer obedience.
God isn't asking me to "feel" joyful because you're not here with me...He's instructing me to "count" (evaluate, consider, decide) my grief as joy. "...for we walk by FAITH, not by sight" 2 Corinthians 5:7
"Just as the stars shine brightest in the darkest night, so your joy blazes brilliantly through life's worst problems when you count them as joy."
God calls me to set aside feelings, fears and emotions, and willfully decide to count all trials as joy - NO MATTER WHAT!
Now, when I said "easier said than done", I totally meant it! I've been studying chapters 1 and 2 of this book with my mentor for over a month! I'm so glad that I'm finally beginning to get it babee! And now that's why my days are brighter, and my nights suck less:)!
1434
Finding God's Path Through Your Trials
CHAPTER ONE: Accepting the TRUTH
"Life need not be easy to be joyful. Joy is NOT the absence of trouble, but the presence of Christ." William Vander Hoven
"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds..." James 1:2
This particular study is on the book of James which gives the basics needed for handling trials in a godly way. How to face trials head-on and take a positive approach - to REJOICE!
Trials are a fact of life. While we're instructed to count trials as JOY, God allows us the privilege of choosing our attitude toward trials...sorrowful or joyful. Easier said than done, I thought?!? But now I understand the fact that counting trials as JOY is a matter of FAITH, not feelings! It's done with my mind, not my emotions! It's a mental discipline and an issue of sheer obedience.
God isn't asking me to "feel" joyful because you're not here with me...He's instructing me to "count" (evaluate, consider, decide) my grief as joy. "...for we walk by FAITH, not by sight" 2 Corinthians 5:7
"Just as the stars shine brightest in the darkest night, so your joy blazes brilliantly through life's worst problems when you count them as joy."
God calls me to set aside feelings, fears and emotions, and willfully decide to count all trials as joy - NO MATTER WHAT!
Now, when I said "easier said than done", I totally meant it! I've been studying chapters 1 and 2 of this book with my mentor for over a month! I'm so glad that I'm finally beginning to get it babee! And now that's why my days are brighter, and my nights suck less:)!
1434
Who am I? ...again!
Funny how I titled my second-to-last post "Who am I?"... Checkout todays GriefShare email:
Who Am I?
Day 121
"Who am I?" asks Heidi. "I Had identified with this person; I had become one with this person. Our hopes and dreams were together. And now, who am I?"
When you are confused and uncertain, and you don't even know who you are anymore, remember that these feelings are expected with the loss of a spouse. Spend time working through these bewildering thoughts, and don't rush this process.
Trying to skip steps on your grief journey will not aid your healing; it will only set you back. Your identity is not gone; it just needs to be rediscovered.
"Know That the LORD is God. It is he who made us, and we are his; we are his people, the sheep of his pasture" (Psalm 100:3).
Lord, show me what it means to belong to You. Amen.
Who Am I?
Day 121
"Who am I?" asks Heidi. "I Had identified with this person; I had become one with this person. Our hopes and dreams were together. And now, who am I?"
When you are confused and uncertain, and you don't even know who you are anymore, remember that these feelings are expected with the loss of a spouse. Spend time working through these bewildering thoughts, and don't rush this process.
Trying to skip steps on your grief journey will not aid your healing; it will only set you back. Your identity is not gone; it just needs to be rediscovered.
"Know That the LORD is God. It is he who made us, and we are his; we are his people, the sheep of his pasture" (Psalm 100:3).
Lord, show me what it means to belong to You. Amen.
Back to RCC...
The girls and I drove out to Lafayette for RCC 1 year anniversary. It was so exciting to celebrate this milestone with them! Luckily, we got there about a half-hour early so I had time to get the initial tears out of the way. Walking in, I felt so empty. Incomplete. Being there without you just didnt feel right!
While the worship team rehearsed, I imagined being up there and looking to you during mic check...gesturing to you to turn my mic volume up or down. I smiled when I thought of the times I'd call you "babe" or "honey" over the mic, then correct myself by calling you "Mr. Aragon" to be professional:). Calling you Mr. Aragon was easier for me than calling you Mark! LoL I recalled all the running around you would do to get all the sound equipment and media shout in order. You always brought a shirt to change into and a towel to wipe your sweat...oh, and the little fan so we could both keep cool!
You werent there for me to sit next to at the A/V table in the back during the sermon. That was tough!!! I felt awkward sitting in the congregation "alone". I sat with the Matsuhara's, but I still felt out of place. The last time I was there, I was married and by your side. Sunday, I was widowed and even with all the welcoming love I got from everyone, I felt so alone.
During worship, we sang Blessed Be Your Name. Flashbacks of your funeral came to mind. How Pastor Ron said that was one of the songs practiced at the last rehearsal you attended, just hours before you were called home. "You Give and take away. You give and take away. My heart will choose to say, Lord, Blessed be Your name." Funny how part of the Bible Study I'm doing with my mentor focused on the suffering of Job last week. He lost all of his property, his children all died at the same time, yet he chose to respond by saying "The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD." (Job 1:21) WoW!!!
We also sang Mighty to Save which reminded me of the very first Crazy Love study we had. The very beginning of Refuge Community Church.
We heard testimonies that brought on more tears, then Pastor Ron preached an amazing sermon. Goodness, gracious...I miss "Bible 101" class! At least, thats what his sermons always feel like! Diving into the Bible, learning how to apply its truth to our lives, and yearning for more is how we always felt leaving church on Sundays...
Overall, it was a little bit bitter and a lot of sweet to be back there. The bitterness had everything to do with you not being there. Had you been, it woulda been perfect.
I thank God for all the friendships we made at Refuge. We've been abuntly blessed by having them all in our lives, especially to love on, pray for and help the girls and I after 11/4/2010. I also thank and praise God for leading our family to RCC where we spent your last year on Earth serving and growing closer and closer to Christ.
Miss you babe...1434.
While the worship team rehearsed, I imagined being up there and looking to you during mic check...gesturing to you to turn my mic volume up or down. I smiled when I thought of the times I'd call you "babe" or "honey" over the mic, then correct myself by calling you "Mr. Aragon" to be professional:). Calling you Mr. Aragon was easier for me than calling you Mark! LoL I recalled all the running around you would do to get all the sound equipment and media shout in order. You always brought a shirt to change into and a towel to wipe your sweat...oh, and the little fan so we could both keep cool!
You werent there for me to sit next to at the A/V table in the back during the sermon. That was tough!!! I felt awkward sitting in the congregation "alone". I sat with the Matsuhara's, but I still felt out of place. The last time I was there, I was married and by your side. Sunday, I was widowed and even with all the welcoming love I got from everyone, I felt so alone.
During worship, we sang Blessed Be Your Name. Flashbacks of your funeral came to mind. How Pastor Ron said that was one of the songs practiced at the last rehearsal you attended, just hours before you were called home. "You Give and take away. You give and take away. My heart will choose to say, Lord, Blessed be Your name." Funny how part of the Bible Study I'm doing with my mentor focused on the suffering of Job last week. He lost all of his property, his children all died at the same time, yet he chose to respond by saying "The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD." (Job 1:21) WoW!!!
We also sang Mighty to Save which reminded me of the very first Crazy Love study we had. The very beginning of Refuge Community Church.
We heard testimonies that brought on more tears, then Pastor Ron preached an amazing sermon. Goodness, gracious...I miss "Bible 101" class! At least, thats what his sermons always feel like! Diving into the Bible, learning how to apply its truth to our lives, and yearning for more is how we always felt leaving church on Sundays...
Overall, it was a little bit bitter and a lot of sweet to be back there. The bitterness had everything to do with you not being there. Had you been, it woulda been perfect.
I thank God for all the friendships we made at Refuge. We've been abuntly blessed by having them all in our lives, especially to love on, pray for and help the girls and I after 11/4/2010. I also thank and praise God for leading our family to RCC where we spent your last year on Earth serving and growing closer and closer to Christ.
Miss you babe...1434.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Who am I?
Once again, another "on time" GriefShare email... This, my love, is what's been on my brain. Just like the lyrics from one of our many songs, "you're the only other half that makes me whole". 1434
Shared Identity
Day 120
You shared a one-flesh relationship. Your identities, your very beings, were interwoven with each other. When your spouse died, you lost a large part of your identity, leaving you unsure of who you are.
Marie, whose husband passed away, says, "It was like trying to discover who I was all over again. For so many years you're a wife and a mother, and now all of a sudden, I'm no longer ----'s wife. After being married seventeen years, I had to figure out, what do I do with my life now?"
In order to find yourself, you must first find the Lord Jesus. And if you already know the Lord, then just as He established your identity during your marriage, He will show you who you are now.
"I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. If anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned" (John 15:5-6).
Lord, my life is an outgrowth of Yours. May I build my new identity on this strong foundation. Amen
Sunday, March 13, 2011
TRUST
"You Had so many dreams and plans together. Your future was anticipated as a twosome."
I dont know what would be worse-the fact that we're not able to pursue the goals and plans we had for our future...or if you were still here and we had the chance to and failed?!?! There's probably a better way to say what I'm feeling but I cant find the words. All I know is that this hurts, and I cant think straight. I wish it weren't so hard to figure out how to explain how I feel. Maybe if I could express my feelings accurately, I could face them and work through them. Thank God He knows my heart...I just gotta keep on trusting. .Faith.Hope.Love.
1434
I dont know what would be worse-the fact that we're not able to pursue the goals and plans we had for our future...or if you were still here and we had the chance to and failed?!?! There's probably a better way to say what I'm feeling but I cant find the words. All I know is that this hurts, and I cant think straight. I wish it weren't so hard to figure out how to explain how I feel. Maybe if I could express my feelings accurately, I could face them and work through them. Thank God He knows my heart...I just gotta keep on trusting. .Faith.Hope.Love.
1434
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