It's ONLY been 8 months...ALREADY???

Sorry I havent wrote to you in a while...this move and the heat has had me busy and exhausted! Tonight will be our last night here and I'm soooooo excited! This place just never felt like home to any of us, and moving forward is the best thing for us.

Anyways, i just wanted to take a moment to say Happy 8 month HBday hun:)! I cant believe its been 8 whole months, but then again...it's only been 8 months? LoL Everythings still wierd but by the grace of God we are not stuck! We're movin forward...

1434

Write Your Memories

To those of you in the midst of grief...I just wanted to share today's GriefShare email with you:

Write Your Memories
Day 227

Writing down your memories is a way to become unstuck if you are stuck in grief. Set aside a regular time to write out all the positive experiences you can remember that include your loved one. One memory will lead to another, and you will have much to write. This exercise shines light on the positive memories, which will help you keep the negative memories in perspective.

"When you lose someone," says Dr. H. Norman Wright, "what you have left basically are the memories. At first they're so sharp that they hurt. In time those memories begin to dull. They diminish. That in itself is another loss that you have to go through. In writing about it, you don't lose those memories. They're always there in black and white."

Writing down memories is a special process that takes time and courage.

"For I wrote you out of great distress and anguish of heart and with many tears, not to grieve you but to let you know the depth of my love for you" (2 Corinthians 2:4).

Lord, give me the discipline and the courage to sit down and write out special memories about my loved one. Thank you, Jesus, Amen.

So little time...

So much to do...so little time!!!

Wish you were here to help us get thru this. But then again, if you were here, we wouldn't have to go thru so much change in such a small amount of time! The random memories of you that would bring me to tears in private became public today. I was just sittin with Marie and watching all the kids playing one of those dance games and all I could think about was the video of you battling Joseph at Just Dance! Without warning, the tears started falling. Family parties will never be the same without you...I miss you so very much.

1434

Moving

The girls and I have been goin thru boxes and separating junk from keepers. Its a trip how we never even finished unpacking and here we go again...moving!

I came across an old shirt of yours that you loved to wear when it was kinda cold, but not jacket weather. It was in a bag of clean and folded laundry that got tossed in the storage room under the stairs. Jin found the bag and started pulling things out one by one and separating it all into piles. Go figure-the shirt was the only thing in the bag that belonged to you. I probably sound crazy, but it got me all emotional and stuff...

Then we came across a book you bought called "52 Things Kids Need From a Dad". (As if you needed a book!!!)

This move is gonna be pretty emotional for us... Moving from Oakland was quick and sorta hands-off for us since there were so many loved ones taking care of it all. Now, it's up to us to really dig deep into everything since we'll be super-limited in regards to space in our new (temporary) home.

This is good for us though. Its kinda helping us heal as we sort thru our memories and the life we're moving forward from. I've got a tough(er) year ahead since my goal is to be done with school, get my career going, and get into a place of our own before Jin starts High School and Isa starts Middle School - which is basically a year from September. I PROMISED the girls that wherever they start High School is where they're graduatung from. No more moving!

Anyways love, I better get back to the junk. 1434

Missin CLUB ARAGON

This heat ain't no joke! And it didn't help any that I've had body aches since yesterday so I've been downing Nyquil to try and beat the flu before it hits hard. I've been hot, sweaty and uncomfortable all friggin day!

Thank God for the cool breeze out right now! It feels soooooo good outside. Summer nights are amazing...it just sucks that we gotta get thru the almost-unberable heat to get to them.

This is soooooo CLUB ARAGON weather! Chillin in the back smellin the yummy bbq, playin dominoes/skip-bo/phase 10/or Texas Hold'em w/ the crew, jammin to old school jams...man, I wish we could go back there. It's all I can think about in this darn heat! Everytime I'd complain about it, you'd remind me of Club Aragon. You ALWAYS made me feel better when it came to stuff like that. That's probably why I tend to feel down sometimes - you're not here to make me happy.

The "Mark withdrawls" are starting up again with the change of season. Time for a getaway! Can't wait to head to SoCal next week with the fambam! Perfect timing!!!

Right now the girls and I are chillin downstairs watching George Lopez...just like the old days:). Wish you were here...1434

IT'S HOOOOOOOT!!!!!!!!

As you know, I've never been one to enjoy heat! The sweatiness, discomfort...so uncomfortable! What sucks now is the effect all of the above has on my mood and feelings! Not too long ago I had a breakthrough and decided to make a conscious effort to focus on the positive rather than dwelling on the negative. Well, these days it's so hard to get past the discomfort to see anything positive!

I'm not saying i'm doing horrible and having random mood-swings. I am definately aware of my attitude and it's effect on those around me...but mentally, everything sucks!

*************

Don't be mad - I chopped my hair off today! MUCH shorter than you'd ever approve of...LoL. But my hair's so thick and it's so hot! I HAD to get it off my neck! I know, I coulda just pulled it back like I always do...but it's starting to fall out much more (stress had effected EVERYTHING about me)and pulling it back all the time wasn't helping any. For the record though, Atch likes it! And knowing her, she woulda said something if it looked like crap:).

**************

School's over for the kiddo's, Lala's graduated, and now it's time to get to packin for our next move. Non-stop changes for us! But we gotta keep on keepin on. Things definately are moving forward, so I have no complaints about it. (Other than the obvious!)

"The more you focus on the problem, on the bad thing that is happening to you, your life just goes down, down, down," says Anne Graham Lotz. This is why it's so important for me to keep my focus up, up, up!!! Thinking of you all the time and all the positives helps me do this. Thank God I haven't "lost it"!

Gnite babee...1434.

Happy day-after-Papa's day

For this years Fathers Day family potluck we brought some of your faves:)! Jr Whoppers (no cheese) -Strawberry Cheesecake (2 faves in 1) -and Lemonade:). You loved big huge Whoppers w/out cheese, could drink a gallon of lemonade in one sitting, if cheesecake was on the menu there was no need to ask what you'd like for dessert, and you would eat/drink ANYTHING-strawberry all day long if you could...but we're 4 chicks on a budget, so this is gonna have to do:)! LoL

Here's a lil something Jin made for you...

And here's one from Isa...

We all missed you like crazy! The Jr Whoppers were a hit...they were gone first:). And although it was a day to celebrate you and all the fathers in the fam...we also celebrated the fact that everyone in my family has stepped-up as best they could to help fill your shoes as a Papa to the girls! Without a doubt, their love, support and prayers have made their journey of grief much less painful:). Seeing the family in action helps me to understand how God could possibly consider us capable of getting through this! He equipped us with a family who's faith can move mountains!

Anyways...Happy day-after-Papa's day babee. 1434

Happy Papa's Day!

Papa's Day 2011...
Know that you are truly missed babe. You took papahood seriously since before the girls called you "Papa". You were an active part of their everyday lives...even in ways we didn't realize till after 11.4.10. To the people around you everyday - even the ones the girls and I had never met - you were known as a loving, proud, supportive, dedicated, loyal husband and papa, and hearing about it as people randomly send me messages will never get old...

Papas Day 2011 - free slideshow

Thank you for all you've ever done and all you were to and for our girls...and continue to do through our memories of you. HAPPY PAPA'S DAY! 1434

Lala's DONE w/ HS!

***Delayed Post! I woke up to an error notification cuz I typed all this on the "title" line! Hahaha I literally hit the "publish" button and fell asleep! :)!***

Words cannot express just how proud I am of our Lala, and how thankful I am that she had YOU to be such a positive force in her life! Even when she took her SAT's, she wore your tribute shirt as a symbol of appreciation for you and somewhat of a good luck charm. she obviously did great considering she got accepted into each of the 4 CSU's she applied for!

While she doesnt wear your tribute shirt everyday, she does have a constant rememberance of you by wearing your cross around her neck each and every day.

Well babe-thats all I have the strength to write for. Ill ttyl. 1343

So little time...

BUSY day today...
Grad prep for Lala.
Awards assembly for Jin.
B'day dinner for Ate Lane.

We JUST got home and got lots to do before getting rest for another long day tomorrow (followed by a long Friday...long Saturday...and long Sunday).

Don't think you're not on my mind 24/7 cuz you are. Just ask anyone around me 24/7! I promise to catch up later. 1434

Keila c/o 2011

"I have prayed for you...that your faith may not fail." Luke 22:32

Not a day goes by without me recognizing the power of prayer. There are so many people have been praying for us since day one, and I truly believe that's why we haven't lost our way.

************************************

Another big "first" is in less than 48 hours when Keila graduates from High School. You became a part of our family when she was just starting middle school. Before makeup, cell phones, Myspace, Facebook and teenage drama. You were the homework helper all throughout middle school and high school. Always scared the boys away and looked out for her and all her friends. Birthday parties, choir performances, open houses at school, hip hop, martial arts, hula...you shared so many moments and in so many cases, made many of those moments possible. Walks around Lake Merritt, rides here and there and back. Papa-daughter talks - you never raised your voice no matter how frustrated you'd be...

Out of everything I've mentioned (and the many other things not mentioned), I'm most thankful for the example you've given her of the future husband/father of her children that God has created just for her, and will reveal to her one day. She witnessed with her own eyes what LOVE looks like, and because of that she won't have to go thru too much heartbreak before realizing who her "soul mate" is. On the flip-side, she's seen us struggle due to our lack of education and waiting too long to get it together in life. But we always used our circumstances as a life lesson for her. She knows what it's like to be "without", and therefore has an appreciation for all she's blessed with.

The woman she is becoming has so much to do with YOU! Her graduation is not just a celebration of her accomplishments, but also of the impact you had in her life. Thank you sweetie. 1434

Facing It

"Without Christ, I can't face it. I can only face what a pill can solve. I can only face what an affair can solve. I can only face what drinking too much or eating too much or spending too much or crying a lot or watching TV or reading or watching soap operas can solve, which isn't the real me." (Larry Crabb)


I hate to say it, but I can so relate to what He's saying here! Once my family got back to their "normal" lives (which was a good and necessary thing for them to do) I was left with two options: Face the reality of losing you, or not. For a while, I refused to face anything, and it got me nowhere - FAST!

Thankfully, my hope and faith kept me from sinking which would've eventually led me to drowning! No matter how hard I tried to numb the pain or deny it's severity God sent constant reminders in my life of who He is and what I have to look forward to. There are times when I'd pray for "my time" to come much sooner than later...then one of our beautiful girls would come into the room and kiss me outta the blue and tell me she loves me. Now that is nothing short of a GOD-thang!

I have moments like that here and there...but no matter what, by the time I lay my head on my pillow at night, I am calm and thankful for another day.

"My peace I give you." John 14:24
Outwardly, Christ endured one of the most troubled lives ever lived. Storms and turmoil, turmoil and storms--wave after wave broke over Him until His worn body was laid in the tomb. YET His inner life was as smooth as a sea of glass, and a great calm was always there. (Streams in the Desert)

***

By now I'm sure you've met up with our dear brother Fred Perry - husband of Precious Perry. Our Heavenly Father called him home today and although our hearts are heavy, we all know he's in the best hands. I'm positive that, like you, he will remain close to Precious and their family until they all meet again in Heaven.

1434

Happy Birthday Daddy!

Here's Mama & DDdy with their "Magnificient 7"! We all love and miss you babee! 1434

Remember when...

We celebrated Daddy's 80th b'day today. What's funny is that we celebrated his 79th at the same place last year, and you got to be a part of it. Why did we go big for his 79th knowing we'd do the same thing for his 80th??? My guess is cuz the good Lord knew you wouldn't be here this year. Jus sayin...

We had such a nice time celebrating with family and friends-old and new. Not many people live such full lives, make it to 80, and still keep going at practically the same pace! He's still a full-time disciple maker and he has no plans on quitting. I spoke to him the other day about how Keila's dream is to have him walk her down the isle when she gets married...he said "ok" with such certainty.

Right now we're at the Lails for the after-party, as usual. Justin made Daddy a slideshow and at first I was fine watching it...till a picture of you came up. I still kept my cool...only a few tears-until all the slides from Mama & Daddy's 50th wedding anniversary. Other than Mama, who you had met earlier in 2006 when she came out to visit in SoCal, it was your first time meeting my entire family! All at once (you poor thing)!

So I started ballin...reminiscing about the official introduction at the Cabreras house. Everyone was acting a fool (lol), but you kept your cool and ended up leaving the house that night as part of the family. No awkwardness at all...you made your way into everyones hearts with ease. It was beautiful!

I excused myself from the family room in the middle of the slideshow, went outside with my mimosa and cried. Like a baby! Seriously...I let it all out! It hurt to think that we'll never get a chance to celebrate our 50th wedding anniversary. Our grandkids will never get a chance to put 50 years of pictures into a slideshow. In fact, we won't even have 50 years of pictures!

*sigh* THIS SUCKS!!! But no matter what, I thank God for the pictures and memories we do have. Even though they're from a "short" period of time, they're more than enough to last forever. God made sure of that by giving us such a rare love to share.

1434

Looooooong day...Part 2

Nothing like last minute plans to meet-up at BJ's for more family love:). It's not everyday all 7 of us Ruiz siblings are all together at the same time!

I brought Lala to pick up her graduation tickets this morning. I can't believe they only allow 8 guests per graduate! What's up with that??? And even more so, I can't believe she's graduating:(. Someone needs to get their finger off that fast forward button already! Too much, too fast! BUT, I am still so very proud of all her accomplishments...more than anything, I'm proud of the woman she's grown into.

Today is the second day in a row that I haven't taken the time to sit and be still in the Word. I feel it...and I'm not proud of it. So, I'm gonna cut this short, spend some quiet time with my Heavenly Father, then sleep. Got another loooooooong day ahead of us w/ Daddy's 80th b'day shindig, followed by another family kick-it session:).

Goodnight babee...1434

Looooooong day...

Sorry babe - I have much to say, but I'm EXHAUSTED (again)! Facebook gave me a hard time trying to upload pics. I'm finally done and am gonna get some sleep. ttyl - 1434.

FAITH

"Focusing on God often causes Him to draw near to your grieving heart, bringing you the assurance that He needs the one who has died. The Lord will assure you He has called the eager, enthusiastic spirit of your departed loved one to stand with the invisible yet liberated, living, and radiant multitude. And as this thought enters your mind, along with the knowledge that your loved one is engaged in a great heavenly mission, a song begins in your heart."

I the busyness of yesterday, I failed to take time to read my Streams in the Desert devotional for the day. So I read it today, before reading today's, and THAT was the encouraging word that was spoken into my life.

The part that really stuck out is "your loved one is engaged in a great heavenly mission...". That makes so much sense! Your passing has caused hundreds of people to look in the mirror, reflect on what they see...the lives they've led...their relationship with our Heavenly Father. And as a result, lives have been changed and hearts have been won over by Christ.

Today's message was on FAITH. "Faith can change ANY situation, no matter how dark or difficult. Lifting your heart to God in a moment of genuine faith in Him can quickly alter your circumstancees."


Losing you forced me to see just how little control I have in life. How plans can fail so tragically, without warning. You planned to go to work that early morning, but you never made it. We planned on renewing our vows in a small Christian ceremony with our family and friends on 11/11/11, but that won't be happening. We looked forward to growing old together...watching our girls become women, and spoiling our grandkids rotten - but instead I'll be filling their heads with memories of their Grandpapa so they'll feel like they know you.

There's nothing wrong with plans. They're a necessary part of life here on earth. BUT, it's important to understand that circumstances can change plans. Once the funeral was over and we started living each day without you, the realization that all of the hopes, dreams and goals we had together ended the day you left overwhelmed me. In fact, it wasn't till recently that I really looked at my current situation and realized "Mark wouldn't want me to be a mess like this!"

That realization had majority to do with you. The man you were, and the way we functioned as a family while you were here. FAITH! Believing God's Word and TRUSTING that His Will is perfect and right. Standing firm on His promises. No matter how "crappy" our situation seemed from the outside, we were happy because of our faith. We trusted that as long as we did our part, God had us where He wanted us at the time and was working in us to bring us to where He wanted us in the future.

I LOVE having bible study with you babe:). Until tomorrow...1434.

Happy Birthday Atch!

We surprised the heck outta Atch today! After we picked-up Jin from school, we headed to Fairfield to help set-up for her big 50th bday surprise party. As usual, I missed celebrating with you...but other than that, we had a blast!!! I'm sure all my siblings would agree...Atch is the best big-sista ever! It was so nice to celebrate HER especially since she always goes BIG for all of us:).

The girls and I just got home a bit ago and are exhausted...Here's the video of the big moment. Good night baby-boo-boo-head:). 1434

Mama AND Papa

I've been thinking a lot about the relationship between a parent and a child (more specifically, my relationship with the girls). As their mother, I want only what's best for them. I want each of them to become successful, HAPPY, law-abiding women. Women who love God and love others (including themselves). But that's not all...I want them to know, understand and believe in the depth of my love for them and my desire for all of the above. And even more so, act like it! I want them to know they can come to me for anything. And when I'm hard on them, it's because I want them to learn something...to be responsible...to learn from their mistakes.

My Heavenly Father wants the same for me, but on an even higher level. He wants me to seek HIM...acknowledge HIM...and acknowledge that I can't do ANYTHING without HIS sovereign power. He wants me to yell for help when I'm in a tangled mess I can't get out of on my own.

He doesn't want me to wander around aimlessly in search for my own solutions, when all the while His Word holds all the answers I need. It hurts to think of how He must feel as he watches us try to re-invent the wheel. Watching us act like we know better...but still loving us, pursuing us, and wanting what's best for us...as only a parent could.

I was reflecting on your role as Papa. It had nothing to do with obligation or relation. It was a choice you made. It wasn't something you grudgingly had to do - it was something you wanted to commit and devote your life to. THAT's partly why things have been tough for me lately in regards to single-mamahood. You saw to it that you were an active role in their everyday lives. Now that you're up there, and not down here, I gotta get myself together to be the mama I was pre-grief AND be everything you were at the same time. Thank God for our memories of you...you taught by example. Thank you for that.

1434

"The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; HE delivers them from all their troubles." Psalm 34:17

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD." Isaiah 55:8

"Be thankful in ALL CIRCUMSTANCES, for this is God's will for you who belong to Christ Jesus." 1 Thessalonians 5:18

Temple Reconstruction

I usually keep from posting on weekends...no specific reason, just a choice I made a few months back. But since this is your 7 month Heavenly b'day weekend, and I because I just got an amazing Grief Share email in my inbox I'm gonna share a little...

************************

The Sovereignty of God
Day 203

One who is sovereign has supreme power, authority, and excellence over all. Name a person on this earth who could possibly fit the above description. (ummmmmm...no one!)

God alone is sovereign. Root yourself in this truth.

"The most singular important truth I've ever learned is what my God is like, and that is what holds me," says Kay Arthur, whose husband took his life. "My God is sovereign. He rules over all. When God gets ready to move, no one can stop Him from moving. And no one can say unto Him, 'What doest thou?' because what He does is perfect. It doesn't look perfect, but He's over all and there are no accidents. So when my husband died, the truth that held me together was the sovereignty of God."

In Daniel 4, God casts King Nebuchadnezzar out of a position of wealth and authority because the king attributed the greatness of his kingdom to his own power. When the king finally realized and acknowledged that God alone is sovereign, God restored him to the throne, and Nebuchadnezzar's life became even better than it was before.

At the end of that time, I, Nebuchadnezzar, raised my eyes toward heaven, and my sanity was restored. Then I praised the Most High; I honored and glorified him who lives forever. His dominion is an eternal dominion; his kingdom endures from generation to generation. All the peoples of the earth are regarded as nothing. He does as he pleases with the powers of heaven and the peoples of the earth. No one can hold back his hand or say to him: 'What have you done?' . . . Everything he does is right and all his ways are just." (Daniel 4:34-35, 37)

God, Your ways are just and right. I do not understand it, but I must believe it. Amen.

In today's world we are more preoccupied with solving our problems than with finding God. We've got things backwards. Instead of using God to solve our problems, we need to use our problems to find God. (Finding God, Larry Crabb)

************************

The one thing I've been able to depend on over the last seven months is the fact that when I'm God-focused / Kingdom-focused / drenched in the TRUTH of His Word, I have peace of mind! When I dwell on my circumstances, I'm a mess.

Problem is - it takes a lot of discipline to stay focused. That's so hard to do when things are going great, and much more so in the midst of grief. It's as if the more focused I am, the more hits keep on coming. BUT, that's no excuse. I know this! So now it's time to see things from your perspective...just like I would if you were still here with us. Time for a real temple-reconstruction. Inside & out! JUST LIKE YOU'D WANT:).

Ok...I know this ended up a little longer than expected - but I just had to get it out there to end off this weekend on a good note.

Goodnight honey. 1434

Acceptance?

What a day/night/morning...You consumed every thought today. I guess it was fitting that I spent today by myself. Kinda symbolic to how I've felt since you've been gone. Tomorrow's a new day...gotta really kick things into gear. Gotta start thinking more like you. You wouldn't want me living like this...the woman you fell in love with was fun, loving and full of life. Time to start getting back to "me". Our girls need and deserve to have "me" back. That's exactly what you'd tell me if you could. I just know it somehow. I can see the path God has laid before us, and it's time to willingly follow instead of waiting, wishing for you to walk it with us. Does this mean I've passed the "acceptance" phase of grief? For now, I'm guessing. But no matter what it is, tomorrow's a new day and I'm ready for it.

Don't think for a second that me focusing on this new life we're forced to live (a life without you) means I don't miss you, I don't need you, or I don't love you. This is me moving forward, learning to live with pain, and being the "better me" you've always made me long to be. I'll forever miss you, need you, love you and long for you...now I gotta learn to be content with that and move forward for my sake and for our girls sake.

You're not gonna come walking thru my door. I've known that for 7 months...but after all the time I've spent in reflection and in God's Word today, I somehow not only know it - I believe it. If that's not acceptance, I don't know what is.

1434

7 Months

‎7 used to be my lucky number, but 7 months without you stings just as much as the rest...

7 months of:
1 - an emotional rollercoaster ride for our girls and I (sounds cliche, but SO true!)
2 - not having you tuck me in or hold me
3 - trying with whatever strength I have to be mama AND papa...and aparantly doing a horrible job at it
4 - not hearing your voice or seeing your fine face
5 - trying to figure out how to live without you
6 - "firsts"...both random ones and significant ones like milestone b'days and holidays
7 - Thanking God for having you in our lives and for sustaining us every minute of every day!


(I could go on and on...but I'll leave it at that!)

Happy 7 month Heavenly b'day sweetheart. Yes, I painfully miss you...but knowing your up in Heaven watching over us and that we will reunite again continues to keep me keepin on. 1434

FOCUS!

Today was exhausting! Emotionally, at least. I woke up pleasantly suprised this morning. Jason & Rama hooked us up w/ some groceries. God is soooooo movin!!! Nuff said!

BUT, that horrible headache I had all day yesterday didn't go away until about an hour and a half ago, and the list of all the difficulties in my life right now were all I could think of. Over the last 7 months, I've found myself at one of two extremes - numb to everything, or drowning in tears. Most of the time - numb, but I don't know if that's good or bad............

Whoa! Checkout the GriefShare email that just hit my inbox! LITERALLY, as I was typing!

A Sharpened Focus
Day 200

"When you know that this life is not all there is," says Anne Graham Lotz, "and you know that one day you are going to be standing before God giving an account of your life, and you know that there is a great big eternity out there when we are going to worship the Lamb and forever glorify Him, it gives you a seriousness about life now. It sharpens your focus and motivates you to live every moment of your life fully to the glory of God."

Train yourself to focus on eternity. Focus on the big picture, not on your own limited life on earth.

In some ways you probably feel more unfocused than you have ever felt in your life, as if you are walking around in a constant fog of grief. In other ways you may feel more alert than ever because you are observing life from a completely different perspective. Many things--from the simple to the complex--take on a different meaning or level of importance to you. Sharpen your focus on the God of eternity by reading His Word daily. Stop trying to handle your tumultuous life alone.



It's so frustrating sometimes to have to continually remind myself of this! When you were here with us, we had eachother to be that reminder to have a Kingdom focus. I guess that's where these emails come in handy.

MISS YOU SO MUCH BABE!!!!! 1434

Prayer Box Story

Last night, I felt defeated. I felt helpless, sad, upset and hurt. It's one thing to feel this way about things that bother me...it's a much bigger kinda helpless-sad-upset-hurt when it has to do with my babies feelings. 7 months ago, they were uprooted from Oakland to Sacramento. It was hard especially considering the many other things going on in our lives at the time...but they were champs. They excelled in school, made lots of friends, and grew their faith all while still grieving the loss of their Papa.

Isa and Jin overheard me on the phone with Pastor Ron last night and so I had a little explaining to do. I explained the possibility of (another) move, we talked about it, cried about it, and in the end I asked them to pray about it. Pray that I get a job soon, IF THAT'S WHAT GOD WANT'S FOR US. I had to let them know that if Sacramento isn't where God want's us, it ain't gonna happen and we just have to obey and move on.

By the end of the conversation, we were all happy and joking around. Once they kissed me goodnight and went off to bed I broke-down. I made a list of struggles from the last 7 months alone. Halfway down the second side of the paper, I ripped it out and threw it away. I may be able to make a list of all these problems, but no matter what that list won't compare to the never ending list of blessings He's given.

Even after that though, I still felt defeated...but instead of boo-hoo'ing all night, I prayed. A little about the girls and I, and our situation...but more-so for those who have hurt us. I even prayed for the person who's ill-intentions led them to succomb to stealing the identity of my deceased husband to file their taxes - that once this issue is finally cleared up, they will have learned from it and won't do such evil things again. (Seriously...I did!)

I woke up with a horrible headache just in time to get up and drive the kids to school. NO BUENO!!! When I got home, I went straight to my computer to check my refund status on the IRS website (as if anything was gonna change in the last 15 hours), and nada. Then I went to my FB to check on notifications, and finally to Twitter.

Jeannie Mai tweeted a link to her blog, which I hadn't read before. Jeannie is the host of a show called "How Do I Look?" and we just LOVE her! She's beautiful, talented, and after google'ing her I found out she's a strong believer who has "Acts 2:42-47. It's all I care about doing" on her FB profile. I couldn't be more proud to say that our Keila looks up to her. Jeannie is an inspiration to Keila and has got her creative-wheel's spinnin!

So, long story short, Jeannie's blog post today totally inspired me! I'm so glad I read it first thing in the morning because now there's no way I'm gonna waste this day God's blessed me with by being sad and gloomy. (Although, I am about to take some tylenol and try to nap this headache away for an hour! LoL). Headache and all...I'm one happy woman today! I'm not even gonna get into the details of Jeannie's blog...BUT HERE IT IS. After reading it yourself, you'll know what I mean.

http://iheartjeanniemai.com/prayer-box-4-0-officially-up/

Talk to ya later booboose...1434

Pros and Cons

I hate having to make such life-altering decisions without you here to make the final call! THIS SUCKS!

Then again, it's not really a decision that has to be made...I have two options. Find a job, or move (AGAIN)! I'm giving myself till the girls last day of school/Keila's graduation to get a job here in Sac. If that doesn't happen, I'm seeking work elsewhere.

I would LOVE to stay here in Sac...close to the Haights, great school district, safe, and you said it yourself - "this is what I picture our first home to be like". BUT - money doesn't grow on trees, pollen is my worst enemy, majority of friends and family are at least an hour away, and our 2 "home" churches are even further away! (Jeilen is SO BUMMED that I can't drive her to VBC in Hercules once a week for her last year of Bungee Soccer!)

Wow! I just read what I wrote. hmmmmmm.....

*************

I just got off the phone with Pastor Ron. It's always so nice how God prompts people to call me just in time! After writing my mini-list of pros and cons above, then my brief chat with Pastor Ron about it, I've accepted the fact that God's Will will be done and we will be just fine. I'm not gonna let this situation bring me down...I've got bigger "situations" to tend to.

I miss you so much! This single-mama/grieving widow stuff continues to SUCK! But we'll get through this in God's time - not ours.

1434

New Pic

Hey babe - I hope you don't mind that I changed your FB profile picture. Sean captured an awesome picture of the view at your grave site, and I thought it's something you'd want.

That's one gorgeous view to honor one gorgeous man:).

1434

Movie Weekend

The Wedding Planner was on TBS tonight. Watching it brought me back to that weekend when we were kidless and we made it a movie weekend! Caramel, cheese & garlic popcorn (not all at the same time...separately), nachos, ice cream, and pizza is all we ate all day that Saturday. And we were so sick Sunday, which is how it turned into a movie weekend instead of just a movie day.

I miss movie weekend with you...1434.

Fight or Flight

Yesterday was such a good day! It ended with me going through my emails and reading this devotional that helped put things into perspective for me.

Fight or Flight

1434:)

Walk by Faith, Trusting God

It's been a while since I reposted a GriefShare email...but this one really spoke into my life today:

Walk by Faith, Trusting God
Day 193

"For we walk by faith, not by sight" (2 Corinthians 5:7 NASB).

You are called to walk by faith, especially when there are unanswered questions in your heart. You are to trust God, even when you do not have the explanations you feel you need.

Dr. Joseph Stowell says: "If you look at your problem and then look at God, you always end up throwing stones at God for the problem. If you look at God first and look at your problems through Him, through His sovereignty--that He is in control of EVERYTHING, that He has permitted this in your life FOR A REASON, that He is a just God, that He will settle the score for you--you will see that He is an all-powerful God who can turn this situation to that which is good and right.

"So the way to avoid the vulnerability of these nagging questions that distance you from God and make you liable for Satan's attack in the midst of your despair is to really focus on what you know to be true about God and to live in the exclamation point of that truth, not in the question marks of what you don't know about your problem."

Faithful God, I must look at You first. Teach me about Your goodness and sovereignty. Teach me to see the big picture and not just the pebbles of my unanswered questions. Lord, I'm willing to try. Amen.

-----------

All four of us, Isa/Jin/Keila/me, sat at the table together today. Isa and Jin were studying their AWANA books...Lala was working on her school work...I was organizing my calendar and studying the Word...and together listened to Jin & Isa recite verses that they were happy to share with us. It was so beautiful! Today felt GOOD!

Your girls are getting better and better everyday. We miss you & love you and hope you're proud of us.

1434

Proud AWANA Mama

Tonight was the AWANA Awards Celebration for our baby-girls. They both received certificates, and Jin was especially recognized for coming-in halfway through the year and still completing the curriculum! Without a doubt...had you been there, you would've been standing as close to the stage as possible videotaping everything...if not on stage presenting awards as a group leader. I could sooooo imagine us both as group leaders! I think I'm gonna sign-up to be one next fall.

Goodnight baby...see you in my dreams:). 1434

Oh, the memories!

Everytime I go to Oakland or somewhere in the vicinity there are a couple things I do...

1. I drive from the apartment to Alameda taking the streets. Even if I don't leave the car, or park at all, that drive back and forth helps me feel your presence. So many memories of the many times we've driven that route as a family, or just you and me, run through my mind.

2. I drive to the temple. While there I think about that day back in 2004 when you played tour guide and took me all around Oakland. I was born there, but raised in Vallejo, so you wanted to teach me all about "The Town". The temple was one of the places you brought me and even when you were still here with us, driving past it always brought me back to the beginning of us.

3. I drive the last route you drove. From the apartment to 106th and MacArthur. I took this picture on Friday while out that way.

It may have been taken in the daytime with more cars around, but minus all that - it's possibly the last thing you saw before the collision that took your life. I find myself staring at this picture a lot since Friday. Playing out various "story-lines" in my head. What was playing on the radio - music or a sermon? Was the window open? What were you thinking about?

Sometimes I think more self-defeating thoughts like the "what if" or the "coula, shoulda, woulda" games...but definately not as much as I used to. (Just had to throw that tid-bit in there so you know I'm getting better.)

One thing I love to do, if I'm by myself, is walk the Berkeley pier. Rembereing you teaching the girls to fish, walking to the end and back together, and that one night when Monse came to visit when you walked her and Keila halfway down - even in the freezing, windy cold, just to try and get a good picture of San Francisco across the water.

Sometimes I go to Benicia and stand in the spot where you took my face in your hands and said "so you're my soul mate".

On that note...I MISS YOU! I love you, I miss you, and I thank God for you. 1434

Pops...

I texted this to Pops before he left for Angola:
"I'm REALLY trying to stick to my friend "denial". I don't have the mental strength/energy to deal with you being so far away! Especially not after we all grew so much closer together since we moved back in 2008, and especially after I lost my "david"...We love you and are gonna miss your crazy sense of humor and seeing you wear your love, loyalty and devotion on your sleeve. WE LOVE YOU!"

His reply:
"Don't make me cry. Remember jared will be your gardner and servant boy. Take care and luv u."

So babe, now Atch and I are both without our men. And even though she's leaving too in June to be with him (the hits just keep on coming!!!), I still feel horrible for her! *sigh* Anyways, I just wanted you to know that I finally cried for a reason other than you today. LoL 1434

Time keeps flying...

I can't believe its almost midnight! Where did Monday go????? Then again...I did sleep till it was time to pick up Isa from school at 2. LoL I spent the afternoon sending out resumes and catching up on some DVRd shows. It was actually nice to be home all day. I feel like I haven't been home in so long!

May has been such a hectic month, and June is supposed to be even more busy. Pops is leaving for Angola tomorrow. I'm still in denial about him and Atch being gone for so long. BUT, I couldn't imagine Atch being without her man for so long so I'm a tiny-bit ok with it;). I wish I could vacay up in Heaven with you every once in a while...or vice versa.

I thought being busy would help lessen my pain a bit, but instead it makes me realized just how much our lives were intertwined with one another! We used to love doing EVERYTHING together, but now that you're gone that makes everything much more painful. I mean...I wouldn't have had it any other way, but then again...I didn't expect to lose you so soon.

Missing you and loving you more and more as each day passes...

Feels Like Home

Tonight's been pretty chill. I helpped La a little bit putting her hair in pin curls....played some Word Fued and Words With Friends...spent about an hour or so in The Word...watched some movies...

For the past hour and a half, I've been watching How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days. I thought it would be pretty safe to watch until a simple, beautiful song literally took my breath away! A romantic comedy that is hilarious throughout...had me crackin up like crazy...yet just ONE song brought me to tears!

I forgot all about this song! I even forgot about the memory that makes this song so special... for goodness sake - the song isn't even in our slow jam playlist, or on my ipod at all, for that matter! I'm part mad that I forgot about it / part happy I was reminded of it and the memories that came with it / part HORRIBLY lonley, sad and angry because you're not here to relive the memories with me.

"Somethin' in your eyes, makes me wanna lose myself
Makes me wanna lose myself, in your arms

There's somethin' in your voice, makes my heart beat fast
Hope this feeling lasts, the rest of my life

If you knew how lonely my life has been
And how long I've been so alone

And if you knew how I wanted someone to come along
And change my life the way you've done

It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I come from

It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong

A window breaks, down a long, dark street
And a siren wails in the night

But I'm alright, 'cause I have you here with me
And I can almost see, through the dark there is light

Well, if you knew how much this moment means to me
And how long I've waited for your touch

And if you knew how happy you are making me
I never thought that I'd love anyone so much

It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way the back where I come from

It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong

It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong"

It was the beginning of 2008. Just weeks after we moved back to the Bay from SoCal. SoCal was safe. We let the kids play outside and even walk to and from school. Not at all like Oakland! It was night (oakland) and day (Aliso Viejo). The girls and I were sick as can be with allergies too! You had to spend a week in SoCal for work and had to leave us to be on our own for the first time.

I spent those nights awake and checking on every little noise we heard. It was always nothing, but each time I'd hear something the restlessness grew. Even though you and I were on the phone or texting a million times each day!

I cried and your voice comforted me. But as soon as we'd get off the phone I'd cry some more because I missed you so much. I longed for the security the girls and I felt having you close.

You came home after a looooong week with a paradise cake from Kings Hawaiian (YUM!), 1 red rose you bought on each of the 5 days you were working in SoCal,  a sweet card...one of those super-sentimental/mushy ones we loved to get eachother...and these lyrics hand written in the card. You said you heard the song on your drive back home and it reminded you how much you love us, missed us, and how you'd do anything to get us outta there and to a safer place . *sigh*

I'll never forget this song again! 1434

The Matsu's

Keila and I are here at the Matsuhara's for the night. La and I visited Isi & baby Romeo as soon as we got to the Bay. He is so adoreable!!! I'm so proud of Isi...and I'm sure you are too. Romeo's birth is definately something you were looking forward to.

This afternoon, La got to do her friends makeup for prom and from there we came to Tracy and hung out with the Matsu's till Annah and Jeff went out to a party. I'm so lucky they opened their home to us so we wouldn't have to drive back to Sac, then back to Castro Valley tomorrow for Keila's prom! Gas ain't cheap!

As soon as I walked in the house, everywhere I looked brought back memories of you. The place you sat when you practically inhaled Jeff's sushi bake with the liquid wasabi...the couch we'd always end up falling asleep on cuz it was so comfortable...our MAC (Matsuhara-Aragon-Contapay) holiday dinner...the times we grownups would sit at the table chatting the night away even though you had to work a few hours later...the fellowship and the friendship we all shared that grew so fast! Without a doubt- this family has become our family and that is something I am so grateful for! Annah and I sometimes reminisce about conversations we'd have about how ecxited we were to have eachothers family to grow old with. And even. Though you aren't physically here with us, your spirit remains with us.

I'm gonna study the Word for a couple hours before gettin some sleep...goodnight love of my life. 1434

Another Reason to Say Thanks...

I'm in such a thankful, happy mood right now...I don't want it to end or to forget this feeling so Imma tell you bout it:).

THANK YOU, my love! You left behind some awesome loved ones who continue to check up on us and remind us they're always there for us. Its still such a pleasure to hear about how much you "adored" the girls and I, and how so many people never knew we were your "adopted family" because the girls were your "step kids". Reading about your devotion via FB messages, emails, and cards I still receive will never get old!

So rest assured, baby, that we're gonna be alright! Imma keep searching for that job God wants for me, and until then it looks like the Hot Hula divas in Monterey/Salinas are as hooked on HH as Ate Mae is! And as I mentioned before, the proceeds are given to the girls and I each week! I didn't ask for it...Ate Mae is doing this because she wants to do what "Marky-Mark" would do if you were still here - make everything alright.

I have the Haights 11 miles away for when this house gets too unbearable to be in, and I need a reminder of Gods promises for us...or when iwe just want some yummy food and good company:). Thru them, I now have a great mechanic who I can trust won't take advantage of my lack of car-smarts. Ate Vee and Coya who do more than enough all the way from Hawaii. The Lails - goodness gracious...they're gonna be lovin on us and praying for us all the way from Angola! I'm not quite ready to face that whole change yet, and this is a HAPPY message so I'm just not gonna go there (although I am happy they're gonna let me look after their beautiful couches for the next 3 years! Wink-Wink).

BellaRenZoiLani and The Cabreras, even as busy as they are, continue to take the time to pray for us and be there for us wherever and whenever! Then there's all our nieces and nephews and their babies who bring so much JOY to my life! Even just thinking of their various personalities, successes, and talents makes me happy:). And I feel so honored and blessed everytime I get a text or message from your fam, reminding me of their thoughts and prayers for us. Even the few times I've been able to hang out with Fave and Fave Jr. Are always a blast!

Our church families: Refuge Community, Valley Bible, TCBC, and First Baptist. They all continue to minister to me through their love, prayers and the weekly sermon podcasts. (That reminds me-I gotta get a copy of the RCC sermons from Adrian!)

I have amazing friends from here to the East Coast who remind me of the importance of sincere, honest, loyal, lifelong friendships. They help keep me up everyday. Even some new friends I've met at your viewings/funeral and through FB are now friendships that'll last a lifetime.

All the people in our lives today KNOW who YOU were and continue to be in our minds and hearts. They knew your heart. That's why they all help see to it that YOUR GIRLS will be just fine. So thank you again, sweetness. Your life continues to speak into the hearts of many and because of that, we're all good baby:)!

1434

Bad Day - Good Night

I just LOVE ending bad days with good nights at the Haight's! There's nothin like a bunch of kids running around, lots of laughter, an amazing meal, and encouraging talks to remind me of just how blessed I really am:).

I could explain the lows, but they're not worth it. I'm abundantly blessed with an amazing family, loving friends, everything the girls and I NEED, and a million memories of you and the love we share. That's all that matters. As for everything else - I do my part, and the rest is in God's hands. Can't change the past, but I do have control over my perceptions. The two songs that help get me through are: Blessings, Laura Story; and Praise You in This Storm, Casting Crowns. I've posted them before...but it's my blog, so I can post them again:). Goodnight BooBoose. 1434

So much to think about...

Learning to live with pain is much tougher than it sounds. Today is a day of celebration. A day to praise and thank God for another wonderful year of Jin's life. But at the same time it hurts to think of how her teenage years will be without her Papa.

I always get compliments on how well Keila turned out. How beautiful, bright, and full of life and love she is. It's not just because of me, and our family - YOU had so much to do with that! How in the world am I gonna even come close to filling your shoes as Papa?

I thank God for the Alvarez's. Joseph, Silvia and the kids came over before Jin got out of school with balloons, pizza, cake and ice cream. When I came home from picking up Isa and Jin from school, Jin was so surprised:). I look at Joseph and am reminded of you by the way he wears his love for his family on his shoulder. When he said grace, I thought of how you always went beyond the simple "thank you for our food" and made sure to thank God for his blessings and favor over us. I'm so thankful that Jin has they as godparents...

Right now all three of the girls are over at their Lola Min's house with their Dad and family. This alone-time has been pretty sad, to say the least. I'm doing laundry, folding/hanging clothes, listening to our slow jam playlist, and thinking of how different things would be if you were still here.

I find myself doing that a lot! Not just big things...random little things too. Like right now, as I'm sitting here at the computer in an empty house, you'd be sitting in front of your laptop across the room from me. We'd be chatting on AIM about every gadget you find on the internet...sending me link after link to get me to agree that we NEED it. LoL

This morning when I woke up, I just laid there staring at the sunlight coming through the blinds and I was thinking of the mornings I'd wake-up hours after you...I could almost hear you downstairs listening to a Francis Chan sermon (really, really loud because the louder it was the less distractions from random noises).

I just miss you so much. I know I say that a lot...but it's cuz I really, really do. And I always will, thanks to the amazing man you were and the unique love we shared. You were one of a kind. There's no forgetting someone like you. So get used to me missing you, thinking of you 24/7, and crying over our slow-jam playlist because slow jam sessions will NEVER be the same without you here to dance in the kitchen with and sing to.

Well, that's all for now. I could go on forever but the clothes won't hang themselves (although I wish they would!). Talk to ya later boo. 1434

823

Right about now, wwe'd be getting back from our late-night WalMart trip with streamers, balloons and all sorts of goodies. You'd blow the ballons, I'd tie them and we'd cover Jin's bedroom floor with them. Keila would be working on a poster to put up on the wall right outside her room. You and I would hang streamers from the top of her bedroom door-frame. When our birthday girl wakes up, she'd freak out when she accidentally pops one of the purple balloons as she steps outta bed with her eyes halfway open. Then she'd open her door, move the streamers apart, and see the special-made "Happy Birthday" poster. From the moment she wakes up, she'd feel as celebrated as she deserves...

Unfortunately, I'm sick, walmart close by isn't 24 hours, money doesn't grow on trees, and you're not here...so things are gonna be a lil diffrent today-but still special.

Just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you...1434

Jin's a Teenager!!!

Our Jin-Jin is officially THIRTEEN! Our beautiful, braniac, musical genius, little girl is a teenager now! I wish you were here to help us make this day as special for her as she deserves...

Please send down some happy, party-animal angels to be with her throughout the day so she feels blessed and celebrated alllllll day long. Thanks babe. 1434

Personal Pity Party

Sorry about last nights personal-pity-party. I'm still sick, but not all messed-up like yesterday.Throughout our relationship, you were one who always anticipated mine and the girl's needs. Even more so when we were sick! Feeling like this without you here to take care of me makes me feel emotionally sick too. I know i'm a grown woman and more than capable of myself...but that doesn't mean I don't miss you taking care of me.

It's just another one of those uncomfortable, painful "firsts" without you. Nick snapped me back into reality with two Scripture passages I've wrote about before. Goes to show how quickly satan will attack when I'm down. I can so easily forget God's promises that I've held close throughout this grieving process. That needs to stop.

I haven't lost track of the abundance of blessings in my life. One, in particular, is Ate Mae! She become a certified Hot Hula instructor and is now teaching in the Monterey area. The proceeds from the classes she teaches are given to me to help the girls and I until I get a job. {Thank you to all the Hot Hula Diva's for your support! You're not only gettin yo groove on with my amazing sista, you're also blessing the girls and I with every class you attend! Mahalo Nui} She miss you so much...she tells me so all the time! She's doing this for you "Marky-Mark":).

Anyways, I took some meds and they're starting to kick-in. Goodnight sweetheart. 1434

Sick Mess

My allergies have been really bad, so my body has been in so much distress...I haven't worked out in a week. I'm a MESS! My emotions are outta whack and for the first time in a loooooong time I'm actually sick!Yesterday, I started off with a sore throat which was worse when I woke up today. I'm at an all time low. The past month has proved to be the most eventful, difficult, trying thus far. Grief, identity theft, no job, a delay in the processing of my taxes (due to the identity theft), electrical issues with my car, all the family functions (without you by my side), family "stuff", Dave's job transfer to Angola and Atch to follow him soon after, Jin's turning 13 Wednesday, Keila's upcoming high school graduation followed by her move to San Francisco State University, etc...

I try so hard to count all these as JOY, but the more I do the more the list grows.

Prayin for wisdom, strength and peace to continue counting this growing list as JOY!

1434

Journey to ETERNITY

"It becomes us to spend this life only as a journey toward heaven...Why should we labor for or set our hearts on anything else, but that which is our proper end and true happiness?" Jonathan Edwards

When I think of those words, I get all giddy inside:). In Heaven, I'll not only be united with my Heavenly Father...I'll also be reunited with you, my Lola, and the many other friends and family who have gone before me! This temporary life here on earth ain't nothin compared to the eternal life I have to look forward to in Heaven!

That, my love, is what I remind myself everyday (many times throughout the day) to help me get through this pain. I wish it made the pain go away, but I'm human. Life right now sucks without you. The biblical truth that says we won't be husband and wife in Heaven sucks too...but thank God we'll have the memories of our unique love as we live forever in perfect harmony.

The girls and I have been going thru a lot of "I wish papa were here" moments lately. Months ago, those moments would bring us down. Rest assured that our perspective has changed and missing you no longer puts a pause on life. We, as a family, are learning to live through this pain knowing that it's temporary and we'll eventually reunite with you for the last time...and from that moment on, it's all about ETERNITY!

1434

Oh Blogger!!!

You have officially threw me off today! I was beginning to have a great day, till I realized that some of my blog posts are missing! NOT COOL!!!

Love never fails.

"Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails." 1 Corinthians 13:7-8

Our love, as in yours and mine, will never fail. I have an early interview in the morning, so I'm gonna skip tonights novel-writing-session and get some sleep. See you in my dreams my love. 1434

The past 24 hours...

The family got word late yesterday afternoon that Coya was arriving at SFO around midnight. Atch, David, Gabbi, Kuya Lan, Ate Sette, Keila and I all met up in Fairfield and drove out to greet him at the airport equipped with welcome signs and American flags. After spending his last year in Afganistan, he's finally home! Our big brother, Col. Bern Ruiz, is home FOR GOOD!!! To think, he was supposed to retire last year, but signed on for another year...then to end his final tour right after the whole Bin Laden fiasco ended - WOW! After picking him up from the airport about half the size he was when we last saw him at your funeral, we just had to go feed the man so we went to IHOP before heading back to Sacramento! LoL

After the girls got outta school today we headed to Natomas to hang out with the fam (again-lol). I love being so close to family! No need to pay toll or sit in traffic...just 11 miles away.

Tomorrow morning we're bringing my car to the Haight's mechanic to look at some issues It's been having. Monse goes back to SoCal tomorrow night right before we head to AWANAs and my mentor meeting, so it looks like I won't really be able to catch up on some zzzzzz's till tomorrow night, which I'm sooooo looking forward to! I have an interview scheduled for Thursday, so I'll definately need to be rested.

The whole "learning to live with pain" process is beginning to make some progress in my life. Making a conscious effort to talk about you out loud when I need to...cry when necessary...laugh (out loud) about memories that pop in my head, and share those memories with whoevers around me at the time - instead of trying to hold it all in because I don't want others to worry about me - that all is beginning to come naturally. I'm getting out more instead of staying in to drown in my sorrows. I'm getting better at this whole grief thing, and it feels good!

Thanks for lookin out for me and for helping me, through my memories of you, to continue to grieve in a healthy way that's good for me, the girls, AND those close to us. You're on my mind 24/7. It's gonna be that way forever! 1434

Mothers Day 2011

After the cotillion, we picked-up Isa and Jin and headed home with Monsay & Alana. We all went to sleep funky cuz we were soooooo exhausted! Keila, Monsay & Alana were on the dance floor the entire time - literally! I dont even think they took bathroom breaks! LoL

I woke up to a dozen pretty red roses and special-made cards from our baby-girls. I couldn't have asked for a better mama's day moment...That's how I woke-up every mothers day when you were still with us.

Our water wasn't running, and I had no clue why! It wasn't till after noon, a couple calls to the water company, Keila figiting with knobs and such, and a confession from our neighbor that we got to turn on the water and take turns showering. (Our neighbor accidentally turned our water off...he thought the knob was for his sprinklers, or something like that LoL).

Once we were all ready, we headed to Vallejo to mom's house for dinner w/ the fam. Before we ate, mom, Atch, Ate Sette, Kuya Lan and I went to visit Lola at the cemetary. It was another night of talking about the cotillion and what a success it was, and celebrating us mama's.

I'm finding that it's getting a bit easier for me to tolerate the pain of missing you on special days like Gabbi's cotillion and Mother's Day. Now, Jin's 13th b'day next week and Keila's graduation may be the exceptions, but I'll still do my best to hold it together...

I'm STILL exhausted! But we have just one more BIG night to get thru before we can get a good night sleep. I'll tell you about it tomorrow though:).

I just wanna thank you for teaching our girls how to make me feel special on Mother's day. I had NO IDEA, so it was truly a pleasant suprise:). Talk to you later honey. 1434

Gabbi's Cotillion Recap

This past weekend was a BIG one for the family!

Saturday was Gabbi's cotillion. The day was pretty hectic with everyone running around in preparation. I could explain, but you know how we do family parties:). Everyone comes together like a fine-tuned machine and gets thangs done!

The Green Valley Country Club, where Kuya Lan runs the kitchen, was so elegant and beautifully decorated (Atch is so creative when it comes to planning every detail!)The cotillion court looked amazing - the boys in their borongs w/ turquoise undershirts, and the girls in their turquoise dresses.

Here's Lala w/ Dayna, Malena & Janessa. Beautiful cuuzinly love:)

Here's Lala w/ her partner, Cuzin Jarrid.

There's a TON of pics, but if I post them all it'll take up this whole blog post! LoL

When I got there before the party started, I had to take a "me" moment outside overlooking the golf course. I thought about how you were gonna help coreograph the waltz, you most likely would've done the slide show, and you definately would've been there hustlin all day to get the place ready. You would've presented a rose to Gabbi, and you and I would've been on the dance floor till it was time to go home! I got my moment overwith and was ready to party.

My date showed-up shortly after my "me" moment (BFF Annah was my date). I was a horrible date, but she stuck with me throughout the night anyways, like a champ! :)

Ate Mae and Rachelle were the MC's, and they had the entire room cracking-up from the start! Gabbi made her grand entrance, David welcomed the guests, Joseph blessed the food (ONLY like Joseph could! At the end of the prayer, he invited anyone who didn't know Christ to meet him at table #8! LoL), then it was dinner time.

By this time, everything was cool. Then, guess what the DJ started playing...our DJ Opus slow jam mix. The one we listened to all the time throughout our entire relationship! The one we knew backward and forward...all 29 minutes and 51 seconds of it! So, there came "me" moment #2. I ended up serenading our table! That helped keep my emotions in tact.

Our dinners were served. Kuya Lan did a phenomenal job on the food!!! He runs the kitchen there, so of course he made sure his staff made everything perfect. After dinner was the presentation of the 18 roses. Since you couldn't make it, I presented your rose. The others danced Gabbi around a couple times, but when I got to her I handed her the rose, held her, and said "If your Uncle Mark was here he would dance you all around this dance floor telling you how beautiful you are and how proud he is of you". I tried with all my might not to cry because this was GABBI's night and I didn't want her to get all sad and stuff, but as soon as I said the word "If", I started ballin! It took me a while to get it all out, but I did...FOR YOU!:) I was ballin, Gabbi was crying, then when I sat back at my seat I composed myself and Ate Sette came to me, smacked me on the arm, and said "you made me cry!". Oops...my bad! LoL

After the roses, the cotillion court presented the waltz. All the time, planning and hard work soooooo paid off because it was perfect!

Then came the presentation of the 18 candles. Give 18 women the mic and a chance to share their hearts with someone like Gabbi, of course it was like asking for reasons to get all emotional and cry:)! GOOD tears, of course. Then my sisters and I sang Dahil Sa Iyo w/ Gabbi...followed by a song by Gabbi w/ Noah on the drum and Chona on the guitar.

Next they played the 18 Treasures video where the cotillion court got to introduce their presents to Gabbi and greet her. I had never heard of the whole 18 treasures thing before, but it was definately a nice touch and a nice keepsake for Gab's.

After Gabbi changed her dress and the guys changed from barongs to black button-up shirts, six of the cotillion court couples presented the cha-cha routine which was A-MAZING! They looked like they had practiced for months, when in reality they only had a few cha-cha rehearsals. You woulda been so proud, especially since you most likely woulda helped Kuya Dak teach it:).

The rest of the night was filled with laughter, watching my all-growed-up nephews and nieces dancing, my siblings shake what our mama gave em, and wishing you were there to laugh and dance with me. You being MIA was the only thing that made the night just shy of being PERFECT!

It was Gabbi's night, I did my very best to keep smilin. It was difficult, and I had to step away a few times throughout the night, but in the end - I was pretty happy with myself:). I'm sure I made you proud babee.

So there you go babee. I hope you feel as if you were there after that play-by-play:). 1434

My Prayer

Dear Heavenly Father,

I miss my man so much...I know I have to learn to live with this pain knowing theres no cure for it and it wont ever go away. But how do I do that? Not knowing is killing me inside. I want to do whatever it takes, but not knowing what "whatever" is just intensifies the ache and no matter what I do or plan on doing I find myself back where I started-not knowing what to do.

Father, you created him just for me. You ordered our steps through our pasts to prepare us for the unique love we were to find in eachother. Then you brought us together and taught us to cling to You as a family. Everything began to fall in place as we (finally) understood what it meant to have YOU in the center of absolutely everything. Then you took Him from us.

I know Lord that in reality, I am just a sinner saved by your grace and that everything I had, have and will ever have are nothing compared to what I'll find in Heaven one day. I understand that you give and take away according to your will and that in everything, including trials, there are blessings in store. But how do I learn to live with this pain? When will I know how I'm supposed to live day to day? Just the mere thought of having to function in this world - just like everybody else - but with the constant pain that there are no pills, therapies or surgery for relief is exhausting as is!

Father, I need your guidance. I need to see your gigantic footprints all over my life and the girls' lives so we know how to follow.

Dear God, you know my heart. I know all too well how it is to be a "lost soul". I don't wanna go there again! I don't wanna lose site of YOU, your Word, and your promises. But I feel like I'm at a point in my life where I need you to spell it out for me! Maybe not literally (although that would be really nice), but some obvious signs pointing me in the right direction to that path of your will.

Father, I'm exhausted. Sleepless nights, the tears and the lonliness has seriously set in in a big way, but I don't want to fail you. I'm a mess, my situation is a mess, and I need your help to find my way. I'm tired of the days and nights passing me by while I just sit back and watch. I need a job, I need to get healthy, and I need your grace, mercy and strength to learn how to live the rest of my time on this earth with this pain that you find me capable of withstanding.

I lay all this at your feet.

Your crazy kid,

Leila

OK with "Crazy"

I always miss you, but I thought I'd share what I'm missing the most right this moment. The girls and I are chillin, watching tv. They're sitting on the floor and I'm on the couch behind them. This reminds me of those moments we'd all hang out together. All of us-IJKL&M!

What I miss the most about those times is having your arms around me. You always held me! Even the times I'd be hot and sweaty...you never cared. You always wanted to hold me. And all the times I whined about you smelling like FedEx (lol)-you'd wash up and come right back to me and hold me.

You always made me feel so beautiful, loved, desired and safe- A million times more than I ever did before you came into my life, and regardless of what I felt about myself or saw in the mirror. I miss feeling that way.

***

Whew! I just took a break from writing. Our poor girls...they feel so bad when I cry, especially when I cry out loud. But I had "the talk" with them about how it's good for me and an important part of the grieving process for me to just let it out-wherever, and whenever.

I've done a lot of crying in the last couple of weeks. The tears kinda lessened for a while, but lately they've been overflowing. Its weird though...one minute I'll be crackin up with the kids, then a memory of you will pop into my head and I'll start crying, the next minute I'll be talking about how I want to start a veggie garden after allergy season!

Even though that all sounds crazy, part of the "new me" requires being OK with crazy:). For instance, right now my eyes may be raw and sore from crying (and allergies too), but I feel soooooo good to have taken that 10 minutes to just cry! I'm crying because I miss you, not because I feel sorry for myself. These tears that are well-deserved because of the rare love we shared...because I miss that. Not that the love isn't there anymore...but now, without you physically here I can't see, hear or feel it like I'm so used to.

I'm learning to LIVE with pain and no longer trying to live denying the pain.

Goodnight booboose. 1434

Good-Bad Day

Today was wierd...most of the day was painful, but there were quite a few happy moments. I guess you can say I had a good bad day. I'm not gonna waste finger-energy on the bad cuz I'll end up with carpal tunnel and I don't wanna think about it all anyways.

Keila and I picked-up Monse from the airport at noon. I love my Monse:)! She's such a breath of fresh air. After that, we went to the Haights to kill time before picking-up Isa and Jin from school. We got to hang out...I had a good bad cry...and found my way to Cassie's heart - she's super ticklish on her feet! :) Oh, that little girl. She's even cute when she's grumpy! LoL

Then we picked-up the girls and came home. Next thing I knew, Rydia and Serena (Keila's bff's from elementary school) came over. I heard "where's mama?", then Rydia came up to me with a beautiful basket of flowers, a balloon, and FERRERO ROCHER's! Oh boy...this girl knows how to make me smile:). It was the sweetest unexpected thing ever! I just love having kids I didn't give birth to:) LoL.

So, the big girls went out to eat. An hour later they dropped off some WING STOP! Goodness gracious - this is when I realized that God sent her over to put a smile on my face! The girls and I ate then headed to AWANAs. I dropped the girls off and hung out at Peet's coffee and read.

After AWANAs, the girls both came to the car with HUGE smiles! Jincompleted her Trek book and memorized SEVENTY-EIGHT Scripture verses, and Isa memorized FORTY-EIGHT! That's way more than I've memorized myself, and I'm a little older than them (wink-wink). And not just memorized either...they've studied these verses most nights each week right after doing their homework - like clockwork. They sure make me wanna step-up my game! I love being inspired by the girls. It's such a blessing.

So those were the highlights. I definately havn't lost sight of my blessings (Thank GOD). There is one thing that has stuck with me since this afternoon. Ate Sette and I were talking about a conversation she had with a friend of hers who's a widow too. She told Ate Sette something along the lines of as a widow, we have to learn to live with pain. Wow! That is such a profound truth!

My pain and longing for you will never go away, but I must learn to live despite it all. There's no way around it. I have to find a way to make it through for myself, the kids, and in order for God to use me in whatever way He see's fit. After six months, I still don't know how to live or where I'm going without you. But I need to hurry up and figure it out! So, I've decided that today, your 6 month Hb'day, will mark the beginning of a new me. I don't know yet what that means, exactly...but I will consciously make efforts throughout each day to learning how to LIVE WITH PAIN.

I miss you with all my mind, heart and soul...1434.

Coulda, shoulda, woulda!

6 months ago, right about this time, I should have went to the suburban and slashed the tires... Coulda, shoulda, woulda! As usual, I miss you SOOOO VERY MUCH-it hurts so very much. 1434

From my FB status posted Wednesday, 05/04/11 at 3:40am:
So I'm sittin here chillin cuz I can't sleep. It's my man's 6 month Hb'day, close to the same time I got the notification. Out of nowhere, the wind blew the front door wide open. It wasn't locked & doesn't close all the way unless it is locked, but really? Seriously? AND I'm sitting on the same couch I was sleeping on when I got the "knock on the door". My babee's messin w/ me! Oh Mark Aragon...SMH! LoL

6 Month Crazy Talk

I can't believe its been 6 whole months! I still catch myself feeling like you're away on a trip and are coming back to us. Thinking that way helps me get by day to day. Is that wrong? Am I doing more harm than good? If I am, how do I change it? I haven't figured out how to live without you. Will I ever?

I miss coming to you to talk me thru life situations and mishaps. I'm dependent on you telling me what to do, say and how to act when I didn't know what to do say or how to act in certain situations. And sometimes, you'd have to point things out that were right in front of me but I overlooked them because I was too busy trying to figure things out.

There is so much going on in my life right now, but without you here to go thru it with me and see what I can't see I'm just trying not to deal with it all. I lean on the Lord and continue to strengthen my faith, but the whatever I do accomplish each day has everything to do with God's strength (NOT my own), and my refusal to accept that you're not coming back. It makes no sense, but it is what it is. I feel like I'm taking all the right steps, but in reality I'm just on a treadmill not going anywhere. It's like I'm studying the Word while waiting up for you to come home late so we can figure things out.

I feel like a loony toon for knowing you're not coming back, while kidding myself into feeling like you are. Again-I'm making no sense to myself, but I'm sure you're getting me. It's like how I can set our clock 15 minutes ahead...sometimes I'd fall for it when the alarm goes off, sometimes I won't.

I've heard so much nonsense about how "it gets easier after 6 months", or "things will be back to normal". The people who believe that mess must not have ever lost someone so special in their lives! Or am I the exception? Am I the only one who continues to hold on after "all this time"?

Soooooooo many thoughts and questions are racing thru my mind as we are just hours away from your 6 month Heavenly birthday. I'd give anything to hear your voice as you give me all the answers. I need my man. The girls need their Papa. Shoot-the girls need their Mama AND Papa! This grieving single-mama business ain't working!

Anyways...I'm sorry to have rained on whatever 6 month Hb'day celebration you're having up there. I am glad you are in a better place experiencing unfathomable joy and happiness. I just don't want to accept it quite yet.

You're still my everything...1434.

Oh Monday!

When I woke up this morning, I had one of those allergy-induced SCREAMING headaches and I couldn't open my eyes without wanting to vomit!!! It was horrible! When Jin came to get me to bring her and Isa to school, I just couldnt:(. There was no way I could've safely drove them to school. I was kicking myself for spending soooooo much time in the backyard yesterday while Keila was in cotillion practice! It was nice though...I got to catch up with Ate Lane who's been hustlin big-time with school, work, and being all that she is...Super Woman!!!

Anyways, so Jin got me some medicine, made me an ice pack for the back of my neck and dug her fist into my head till I fell back asleep. I woke up 2 hours later feeling much better.

When I got downstairs, Isa was knocked out on the couch, Nick was outside mowing our lawn, and Jin was outside playing with her cousins. I woke Isa up and brought her and Jin to school after Nick and I ran thru all the handy-man things I need done in the house. I'm so blessed to have the Haights so close:). Our grass was beyond embarrassing! LoL

Then, Keila and I ran to the store and got stuff for our Club Aragon Taco Night. We had slow-cooked pork, taco beef and all the fixins. Keila even made her famous guac (don't worry, I didn't have any).

Pare Ron and Mare Christy came over with Noah in the afternoon to do Keila's photo shoot for her senior portraits. It was so nice to have them over! But I was MAD cuz they didn't listen to me and ate before coming over?!?! ;) I thought about that one time we went to their house in Hercules to chill while Keila was at the church teaching Vacation Bible School. We brought some marinated chicken to grill and just grubbed and kicked-it. I pulled up the picture you uploaded to FB and just stared at it as I remembered the good time we had...trying to remember everything from that visit from things you said to what you were wearing. Man, I wish I had running video of you 24/7/365...

I WAS planning on going to the Dance Party Xtreme class at 24, but the photo shoot took longer than expected. I did start to get a bit lazy, but ended up going to the gym anyways to go some cardio. I'll make up for not getting a full workout tomorrow though. Emily texted me to let me know she has a slot open for me at 10, so I'll have training in the morning AND Hot Hula at night.

The Lail's are coming to visit tomorrow too. I wish I could spend more time with them cuz they'll be off to Angola soon...but I know they have a lot on their plates with the cotillion coming up, Gab's finishing up high school and being UC Irvine-bound, on top of Atch and Dave getting ready for the big move to Angola! Man!!! What am I gonna do when they're so far away?!?!?

Anyways, I'm sitting in my car typing in front of the gym cuz I know that once I get home, imma KO...so, I'll cut it now.

Goodnight sweetheart. Chat w/ you tomorrow:). 1434

Lei Day

It's May already babe! Today was so exhausting, but I'll never forget all the May 1sts you celebrated me:). Nothing extravagant or anything, just special. I was just reminiscing about sitting at my computer last year and a notification popped up at midnight with a message saying "Happy Lei Day babee! Now stop studying and get some rest. I luv you Booboose!"

I wonder if a message would've popped up this year. I wish I still had my old laptop running... Then again, I probably woulda freaked out if one did! LoL

Goodnight babee. 1434

Quick Friday Recap

This morning, I woke up bummed because my muscles weren't as sore as I expected after yesterdays HH workout. Boy am I kicking myself now! I did a full body circuit just a couple hours ago and I'm already hurt! Imma be suuuuuper hurt tomorrow!!!

Anyways, I spent some time changing the look of this blog this morning. Like it? :) I also got some resumes out, but majority of the day I napped. I think its my allergy medicine making me drowsy, which sucks cuz I have so much to do!

I'm cuttin this one short cuz I'm so sore and it hurts to hold my phone to type! LoL I'm sure you understand. And I know you're proud of me for accomplishing my Easter resolution of working out Monday thru Friday:). I feel so good babee!

Goodnight for now. 1434

Better Week

This has been such a significantly better week for me, considering...

Sunday was Resurrection Day. How appropriate! Just when I was ready to allow all of the "unfortunate circumstances" being thrown into my mix overcome me and cause me to lose site of all the blessings in my life, I was reminded of Christ's ULTIMATE sacrifice! That alone makes my issues seem like winning the lottery!

Monday, I went to the gym...TWICE and got a lot of housework done.

Tuesday, I spent a lot of time in The Word and got my Hot Hula on:). I spent most of the day reflecting on our baptism day two years ago to the day.

Wednesday, spent some special quiet time with God as soon as I woke up. I started to feel the weight of all the "unfortunate circumstances" heavy on my heart and made the wise choice to surrender and lay it all at His feet! I can't change anything in the past. All I can do is choose to count it all joy and adjust my attitude (the one thing I DO have control over). Because I started my day off that way, you can imagine how the rest of my day went. GRRRRRRREAT! :) Even after Zumba kicked my butt and drained all the energy outta me. I took a nap and later had an awesome discipleship hour and a half with my mentor.

Today, Keila and I got more cleaning done. She found our Altec speaker thingy and we jammed the whole morning! I also took a couple tests for a potential employer, passed with flying colors and scheduled an interview for Thursday, 5/12. The Matsu's came to visit and Keila and I brought Annah to the gym for Amp'd Abs & Hot Hula.

Now, I'm sitting here catching up on some DVRd shows and whoppin Marie, Justin, Jin, and random strangers in Words With Friends and Word Fued:)!!! LoL

Having a significantly better week does NOT mean I haven't struggled. I struggle every minute of everyday...the pain was just more tolerable this week because of my daily surrender to the Lord, which changed my perspective, which improved my attitude towards my circumstances.

The main idea of all of the above = I applied what I learned from watching you live out the Quiet Strength I always talk about. THANK YOU babee! Because of you, I choose to cling tight to the Lord and stand firm on His promises. HE will provide for us in His time and according to His will! AMEN!

1434

My Legacy

One thing I think about a lot since your funeral is the legacy I wanna leave when it's my turn to relocate to Heaven. I think that's one reason why I write to you publicly, as opposed to a handwritten journal or something private like that. Writing to you like this is my way of helping to fulfill your legacy.

You were on a mission. You cherished friendships, were devoted to family, worked hard, and most of all you took seriously God's command to "make disciples!" All of these things are so evident in the pictures, videos, FB posts, and the memories you were a part of in the years after you surrendered your life to God. I'm not saying you weren't an amazing man before that...but you said it best in your testimony - "I have not been a person of many words, but my life has opened up more now that I have accepted him. The best way I can show that I have surrendered my life to him is to get baptized symbolizing the end of my past and following a new way."

At your funeral, Pastor Ron could have easily said "Wanna know Mark? Read his FB posts, ask those close to him about his heart, watch videos and look at pictures of him with his kids...", and left it at that (although, I'm glad he didn't). I pray that my life can leave that kind of impact behind when I go! That's how I want our kids, our future grandkids and great grand kids to remember me. So, I gotta surrender myself daily to the Lord and HIS will. Easier said than done because I'm a natural worry-rat, but I've got to make a conscious effort 24/7 to keep my eyes on Him and not the things of this world. Your legacy helps me want to become a better me everyday. Thank you babee.

1434

Your Testimony

Two years ago, you shared your testimony before family and the TCBC congregation, and were baptized. I can't figure out how to upload the video because it's in a format I'm not familiar with, but I did find your written testimony which is what you shared that day.

"I believe to have grown up as a person of faith. Although I knew of Jesus, I did not have a relationship with him. Almost 5 years ago, I started to build my relationship with Christ. I was going through a divorce and felt like I did not do all that I should have in order to live a good life. I secluded myself from everyone (including God and my faith) and didn’t know how to face everyone that I was 25 and will be divorced. I didn’t want anyone to know, not even my family. I made it all seem like nothing was different. Then Leila and I got acquainted and started to talk to each other about our beliefs in the Lord. I found comfort in looking to Jesus and leaving my mercy to him.

It was the end of 2004 that I was saved. I took it upon myself to seek out a Christian Church and went to an evening service at a church in San Jose. I remember feeling overwhelmed by the comfort I felt in letting my worries go and decided that all my struggles are there to bring me closer to him. That evening, I fell into tears and did not know why I felt empty for so long. I came to realize that I was not messing up my life, I was just not looking for answers in the right place. I am not in control and will not have control. I surrender my life for him to do as he wants for me.

Right now I still consider myself an infant in my walk with Christ. So much has changed in the years since I was saved. I have come to find my wife and three daughters that I Love so much. Although I struggle with everything, I am able to provide for my family. I am slowly getting closer with my family after distancing myself from them in the first place.

I want to be baptized to show and express to everyone that Jesus Christ is my choice. Jesus has died for our sins and gave us salvation. And although I am nowhere near his grace, I would like to proclaim to everyone that my life is for him. I have not been a person of many words, but my life has opened up more now that I have accepted him. The best way I can show that I have surrendered my life to him is to get baptized symbolizing the end of my past and following a new way.

I do have assurance that I am saved just as it was in the Old Testament, the lamb’s life was taken to spare ourselves from Death, Jesus Christ had given his life in order for our lives to be spared. So long as I believe in Him and do what I can as he wishes, I am saved!"

Today, I'm reflecting on that special day and the man of God you were. I'm thankful everyday that you led our family the way you did, and continue to do through the legacy you left.

1434