Friday, May 6, 2011

My Prayer

Dear Heavenly Father,

I miss my man so much...I know I have to learn to live with this pain knowing theres no cure for it and it wont ever go away. But how do I do that? Not knowing is killing me inside. I want to do whatever it takes, but not knowing what "whatever" is just intensifies the ache and no matter what I do or plan on doing I find myself back where I started-not knowing what to do.

Father, you created him just for me. You ordered our steps through our pasts to prepare us for the unique love we were to find in eachother. Then you brought us together and taught us to cling to You as a family. Everything began to fall in place as we (finally) understood what it meant to have YOU in the center of absolutely everything. Then you took Him from us.

I know Lord that in reality, I am just a sinner saved by your grace and that everything I had, have and will ever have are nothing compared to what I'll find in Heaven one day. I understand that you give and take away according to your will and that in everything, including trials, there are blessings in store. But how do I learn to live with this pain? When will I know how I'm supposed to live day to day? Just the mere thought of having to function in this world - just like everybody else - but with the constant pain that there are no pills, therapies or surgery for relief is exhausting as is!

Father, I need your guidance. I need to see your gigantic footprints all over my life and the girls' lives so we know how to follow.

Dear God, you know my heart. I know all too well how it is to be a "lost soul". I don't wanna go there again! I don't wanna lose site of YOU, your Word, and your promises. But I feel like I'm at a point in my life where I need you to spell it out for me! Maybe not literally (although that would be really nice), but some obvious signs pointing me in the right direction to that path of your will.

Father, I'm exhausted. Sleepless nights, the tears and the lonliness has seriously set in in a big way, but I don't want to fail you. I'm a mess, my situation is a mess, and I need your help to find my way. I'm tired of the days and nights passing me by while I just sit back and watch. I need a job, I need to get healthy, and I need your grace, mercy and strength to learn how to live the rest of my time on this earth with this pain that you find me capable of withstanding.

I lay all this at your feet.

Your crazy kid,

Leila