Friday, January 28, 2011

From Boo-Hoo to PRAISE!

I've had a rough couple of days babee... And what sucks the most is that I keep thinking about how things wouldnt have been so difficult if I had you here with me to keep sayin "we'll get thru this" and "no worries". Even in times when neither of us saw relief ahead, just having you here made everything ok.

BUT, despite the plumbers practically living with us, having a 7am appointment at Nissan to deal with my car issues and knowing they're gonna charge me an arm and a leg, and the rest of the random craziness that came my way in the last 48 hours or so I know I have a gazillion blessings to be thankful for! I hate that I get so down about stupid stuff...You're gone, and I havent been admitted into a psychiatric hospital (yet! LoL). Now THAT in and of itself is a major plus!

I need a job love! If you know of anyone up there who can work some heavenly magic to make something happen for me, please hook it up. ;)

***

Valentines Day is coming up! Gosh, I cant even remember and Valentines Day's before we fell in love! You treated each one we shared as if it was a personal holiday created just for me! Even if we didnt have any funds to do much, you still made it a point to make me feel like a queen for the day:). I wanna make plans for that day because I know that if I dont I'll isolate myself and grieve HARD! Every V-Day we shared together was so special and I dont want to dread the future ones. I want to somehow celebrate you in a special way instead. BUT, I have no clue what to do! I'll probably bring the girls to Sushi House in Alameda and a movie like we did for V-Day 2010, or maybe head to all our special spots around the Bay like the Berkeley Pier, Lake Merritt, or Benicia where we first met in person?!?! Whatever I do, it'll be special and in your honor. I'll even bring you a single-rose like you gave me on our special days:).

What would've marked your 33rd earthly birthday is also coming up. Gosh! Does it have to be so close together with Valentines Day!?!?! LoL Man, if it were only possible to have you come back for one of these days...just for the day...even knowing you'd have to head back to Heaven after, I would SO make it happen! Even knowing it would mean that i'd have to start this whole grieving process all over again, I' still do it! Maybe the second time around the pain would kill me and I could be up there spending eternity with you!!! JUST KIDDING...quit shaking your head at me!;)

You know, I still havent cooked a "real" meal since you left. I dont consciously avoid it or anything though. In fact, I have a ton of chicken, turkey and meats in the freezer cuz I keep planning on cooking. But it never happens. Part of it is because I lack the energy to do it...but that never stopped me before. We even still have all that top ramen and pasta sauce we bought when you and I went to Winco on 10/30/10. The kids and I are on the road alot so we end up eating out...and when we are home we just end up eating whatever we can throw in the microwave or whip together quickly. Ha- we have a ton of Lean Cuisines in the freezer too!!! A friend suggested spending some time looking thru cookbooks or browsing recipe websites to get my creative juices flowing and make me crave the art of cooking again... Maybe for starters, I'll whip up your special bistek that Keila's been craving! Maybe thats why you were cooking it in that dream I asked you to not let happen again a couple weeks ago?!?! (Or was that last week? Whatever...you know which one I'm talkin bout.)

Speaking of Keila...man oh man! Watching her become a woman is such a terrifying joy! It seems like just yesterday we had that little party for her 15th birthday at the apartment! Then her suprise 16th birthday dinner with all her godparents. Babee, she's gonna graduate from high school in a couple months, start college, and turn 18 in October! My prayer for her has always been that she not somehow become a statistic because of the crazy past she had (thanks to her far-from-perfect mother), and the Lord sure answered that prayer a million times over!

All the talks we had with her during the good times, and the bad have stuck! And whats even more amazing than that is the fact that the impact YOU had on her life shines so bright! You never felt awkward about your role as Papa...all that mattered was that you guided her (as well as Jin & Isa) as only a loving Papa would. You never wasted time trying to figure out the expected role you should have played in her life, or questioned yourself about what "step fathers" should do or not do...you were Papa from the get-go. I know it, the girls know it, and everyone close to you knows it. And because of your natural Papa tendencies, no time was wasted with her not knowing what you're all about. She knew from the start that you love her as your own, because she was your own.

I recall a conversation I had with her a few weeks ago. She doesnt recall any times when you yelled at her or fought with her for any reason. Anytime there was a problem that had to be addressed, you would talk her thru it with love. Now, considering you were around when she started middle school AND were here during majority of her high school years, thats impressive! Thank you so much for being such an amazing Papa hun! Having you in her life has made her into the young lady she is and will have a huge influence on the man she chooses to marry one day. He will be THE ONE God created just for her (and be born on March 10, and be bald, and love the Lord, and have a martial arts background, and be a geek, etc...LoL).

Well my babee-boo-boo-head, I'll end this entry for now. Thank you for staying on my mind, especially thru the time I've been typing! It made me stop boo-hoo'ing about the past 48 hours, and truly start praising and thanking God for YOU! 1434

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Today needs to end already...

3 hours sleep in the last 36 hours.
Opportunities to sleep, but my brain wouldn't let me.
Downstairs toilet overflowed with water from the washing machine upstairs despite the fact that the plumbers supposedly fixed the issue yesterday.
Jin had a horrible day at school and her teacher had to come walk her out because she was crying so hard she started hyperventalating...grief sucks!
I just broke my drivers side-view mirror and now it's hanging off the car!

On top of the above, I'm so consumed with adrenaline from my nerves that I don't think i'll be sleeping tonight...

I miss you, I need you, I want you, and I love you more babee...

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Love God (genuinely...and live like you do)

"...being A wife is a wonderful gift from God and a significant privlege. But if your understanding of yourself was largely attached to that role, then when you lose that role you lose a strong sense of who you are."

WoW! Months before you went home to the Lord, we studied Francis & Lisa Chan's Christ-centered Relationships series. THANK GOD! Not to say I'm all-good because my identity had nothing to do with you...YOU were a huge part of me! But we learned TOGETHER that loving GOD first and foremost is what matters! 1434

Incredulous

"Though My husband passed on, my life continued. During the daylight hours I was okay, but as the sun set and the winter darkness fell around me, it seemed as if the walls moved closer together. At that time of day I was incredulous that my husband was gone. When I started to cry, I wondered how I would ever stop."

This was take from the book I've been reading. It's such a trip how similar her story is to what I've written in my own journal...except I dont use big words like "incredulous", which means: unwilling to admit or accept what is offered as true; skeptical. When I looked up that definition I couldnt believe it! Theres another word to add to the bucket of emotions I feel on a day to day basis!

Your coworker Erickson posted on my FB wall this morning. He wanted to see how us girls were doing and to say that he misses you too. A little over a week ago, Rammar and I had a text conversation too! It was so nice to hear from him and to let him know that I pray for him daily. Babee, I just thought you should know that its not just friends/family that know me personally whose love and care I'm surrounded by...its also the coworkers/friends of yours...that I didnt have the privlege knowing personally like you did! The people who knew YOU and what you were all about because you shined your bright light around them daily!

I said it a couple months ago during the week after you passed away...and I want to say it again: I'm amazed at just how much more in love I become with you each day, when you're not even physically here with the girls and I! I never imagined it was possible to love you more than I have...let alone while you're not here!

Anyways, I am trying not to get too mushy and lovey-dovey like I have been, but I just had to get that out. Being checked-up on by your coworkers? Who I dont personally know? Wow!!! Thats LOVE:)! Thank you for being you. 1434

A Taste of "Normal"

We just got home from a fun evening with the Haights:)!  Ate Sette cooked up a yummy mexican feast, we watched American Idol and some crazy show called Wipeout or something like that, and we chatted the night away.

Now, I'm totally inspired to start cooking once again! I haven't really, REALLY cooked since you were here. But tonight I realized just how "normal" a nice and yummy home cooked meal is. The girls and I can sure use a little bit of "normal"!

I love talking about you! Not about what happened 11/4...just about YOU! I did so much of it tonight, I'm exhausted! LoL Seriously though, I'm cuttin this short to get some sleep since we have a long day tomorrow. I'll talk to you later babee. 1434

Monday, January 24, 2011

Oh Widowhood!

Oh babee...a woman just asked me why I still wear a wedding ring because I'm single now and was supposed to take it off. I'm sure the look on my face when I walked back to my car without saying a word made her realize she hit a nerve. She came to me as I was sitting in my car and apologized "if" she offended me. She said she didn't know if I was aware that I didn't "have to" wear it anymore because I'm so young and not many of us young women know that. I still said nothing and the silence made her walk away. Why do I feel bad for being rude??? And my goodness...why am I crying???

Wait-I know why I'm crying! I MISS YOU! Anytime we'd experience rudeness or have wierd things happen to us, the first thing we'd do is call or text eachother. We never liked making a fuss over ourselves, so rather than going off on whoever did us wrong we'd vent to eachother and find comfort. Then make fun of that person amongst ourselves and laugh it off...

People always referred to us as "Mark and Lei, the good and happy couple." I sure hope everyone understood that we were just 2 imperfect people who happen to complete one another. We experienced the same problems, selfishness, feelings that most couples do-we just handled it all as a couple, rather than individually like many out there. Our first step was always to see the situation thru the other persons eyes. That always made us realize that there were no hurtful intentions in whatever went wrong. After that, everything went back uphill...sometimes slowly, but positive progression for sure.

I'll forever miss our relationship. Not just our love or our marriage...but the way we were to and with eachother. The mutual respect we had for one another is what so many couples lack (in my opinion, of course), and its sad to see.

In order to truly have God in the center of a relationship, RESPECT is key! Well, I obviously have a lot on my mind right now. I wish I could just blog the live long day, but its time for me to drive so I'll be back boo-boose! 1434

Sunday, January 23, 2011

JOY!

Yesterday was a loooooooooooong day! It was especially long because I didn't sleep till around 3:30am, and was up at 6:30. I picked up mom and dad and headed to Oakland for Uncle Alvin's memorial service. It was such a beautiful service! The Gospel was preached, and his memory was honored by many who shared. I couldn't help but think of you the whole time! So many of the qualities others used to describe Uncle Alvin were the exact same as qualities you had. Thoughtful-always showing concern for others; Dependable-always did whatever you could, and if for some reason you couldn't, you'd help find a way; Passionate-you always gave 100% of yourself in all you did; Loyal-completely and undoubtingly devoted to us; and the list goes on... Many spoke of his obvious love and care for Auntie Kim. I belive that was when I cried the most. Many also made a point to mention his love of food:). LoL One random thought - I was taken back by how many people at the service spoke fluent tagalog, as well as Chinese! It put me to shame...I'm not even fluent in my own language!

The pastor shared about how all the unpleasant aches, pains and discomforts that come with aging are all there to point our eyes and our thoughts to Heaven. To remind us that while our earthly bodies will decay, our heavenly bodies will not. I thought of the song: "This world is not my home I'm just passing through. My treasures are laid up somewhere beyond the blue. The angels beckon me from Heaven's open door and I can't feel at home in this world anymore".

I'm definately NOT suicidal or anything, but I can definately say that I don't feel at home in this world anymore! I don't know how to explain it, but I don't even feel at home at our house?!? We've lived here for 2-1/2 months, but I still feel like a visitor. Which is wierd because, who am I visiting? Myself? LoL Seriously though, I dream about Heaven! Being in Jesus presence - for real! To see His holiness with my own eyes...WoW!

After the service, I posted this on FB:
When the Good Lord calls me home, I want only ONE memorial service after I'm cremated, followed by a reception at any pizza joint w/ room.

I want only the GOSPEL from my personal Bible preached and loved ones to share about my life and my faith in God. Of course, talk about how I loved Mark MORE... That not specific enough? OK-I want personalized jewelry to be made for each of my children, nephews and nieces (and spouses) which will each contain my remains. They must wear it at all times! Also, I'd like my siblings to wear hot-pink mumu's (yes, including my bro/sis-in-laws)...and mom and dad have to wear neon green sweatsuits. My grand nieces/nephews (and spouses) have to wear electric-blue footsie pajamas. That specific enough yet?
Hahaha!!! Another conversation that keeps replaying in my head is from about a week before you passed away. We were in the kitchen w/ the girls, and I don't know how we got on the subject, but I said "when I die, I want to be cremated and Papa has to bring me to Hawaii and spread my remains. That way, he can fulfill his promise to take me to Hawaii!" ;) Of course, it was all in fun spirits...

I attended the mentorship orientation for the womens ministry today. I'm so excited to be mentored thru this grieving process! To have a woman with biblical knowledge and the wisdom of life experiences to hold me accountable and help me strengthen my faith is exactly what my heart desires. I don't want to lose sight of HEAVEN! I refuse to lose FAITH! And I want to feel JOY 24/7... I feel like i'm going crazy a lot. My moods and my emotions change constantly throughout everyday, and while I haven't "lost" my joy, I tend to let the rollercoaster of moods and emotions overcome me while I put the joy in my pocket for later use. I can't stand that I do that...but it's that darn human nature again, which is an excuse I HATE! I never stopped having an immeasurable amount of blessings to be thankful and joyful for...I just find myself CHOOSING to act like the hardships I go thru are more significant. Which is so NOT the case!

Anyways babee-I should be finding out who my mentor will be in the next week or so and I can't wait. The way I see it-the closer I get to the Lord, I get the added benefit of getting closer to you too:). 1434