"It's Complicated"

I forgot to mention last time that on Wednesday i got a message from Monse telling me that she was assigned an essay in her Bible Lit class, and she wants to write it on YOU! WoW, right?!? Not in an "i'm suprised" kinda way...but in a "how honored you must feel" kinda way! She said a lot of her questions can be found in my letters to you...but she has a few more so i'll be spending the weekend chatting back and forth with her. My goodness! First we find out that Trey wrote about you in his college app essays, and now Monse! You sure left a lasting impression in SoCal :) It was always such a good feeling that Keila's friends would call us "mama and papa" too. But to know they really considered us as a second mama and papa...thats priceless! I cant wait to see what Monse comes up with in her essay.
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In the book I'm reading, "The Undistracted Widow", the author's husband died from cancer a year after his diagnosis. I dont know which would have been more difficult! Watching you suffer until your death, or the sudden and "painless" (as my hope has me sure of) passing you had...But one thing is for sure, I can relate to soooooo much she has to say, regardless of how different our situations are.

One thing the author mentions is her feelings the first time she had to mark "widow" on a form. I havent had to do that yet. Honestly, i never really gave it much thought. But now I can honestly say that I'm utterly dreading that moment! I've had to mark single, married, legally separated, and even divorced. Marking "divorced" wasnt that hard for me because life went on. But while life also "goes on" after becoming a widow, its unexplainably and completely different! I wouldnt want to mark "single" because I dont consider myself single. I cant mark "married" because death has done us part. I wish the makers of the forms could include an "its complicated" box like myspace did!

I have so much more to say, but i think i'm gonna get back to the book for now. Miss you much babee! 1434

...to die is gain!

So, to avoid further frustration I've decided to stop trying to "blog via email"! Maybe it can't handle my novels?!? LoL

Last night, Ate Sette and I went to a GriefShare meeting at FBC. Some brought photo albums of their lost loved one, one person brought a quilt her kids made using her late-husbands shirts (this totally got my creative juices flowin!!!), one gentleman brought a newspaper clipping where he wrote a letter to his late-father which he does yearly. I wore the memorial shirt and did my best to "introduce" you to everyone. Having Ate Sette there was my saving grace because it was definately hard for me to attempt to paint a fair picture of the extraordinary man you are! And without sounding like a fictional fairytale...

Ate Sette said a few words in your honor too..I think that what touched me the most out of all that she said is the fact having you in mine and the girls lives brought her (and the rest of the family) comfort. It made me think of some of the encouraging emails I've received from here...here's bits and pieces of just SOME of the email's she's sent:

I miss Mark! I miss Mark for Leila! I miss Mark for Keila, Jeilen, and Isa! I want those girls to have their Papa! He was such a tremendous blessing to our family…in so many ways.

Knowing he was with Leila and the girls…it gave me and Nick so much peace. His presence set my mind at ease when it came to all my concerns for my baby sister and nieces. Mark was the MAN!

All is not lost! Hope in God my family! He will make a way…where there seems to be no way…

Many of Christ’s followers probably thought the same thing about Jesus’ “untimely” death, carried out “at the hands of His enemies”. He too was 32 when He was killed.

Untimely? No, it was His appointed time to go home to be with His Heavenly Father. His work on this earth was done. Before HE GAVE UP HIS SPIRIT, He said, “it is finished!” In truth, He was born to die…to redeem mankind…a ransom for many!

There is no random act in our lives. If we believe God to be God, He must be in control of ALL THINGS! How can He be God and have random things happen in his kingdom? He wouldn’t be our All Mighty, All Powerful God if anything could happen that He Himself hasn’t ordained. Christ died a senseless death, He was the innocent dying for the guilty; was God not over that?

Leila, your hope and comfort comes from KNOWING…without a doubt, that our Heavenly Father is over ALL THINGS that touches your life: blessings and suffering, alike! God uses suffering in our lives to make us more like Christ, does He not ordain it too? This is not Plan B.

Think of Job. Tragedy hit him HARD. Yet, we read in Job 1:8-12 that God gave satan permission to sift him. This evil was under God’s permissible will. It was NOT at the hands of His enemy satan. God set limits on satan. Satan was NOT free to do his will. God was in control! This truth make God more glorious because we can rest our weary souls in His sovereign will…like you say, “no matter what’s going on in my life.”


In our eyes, it was “untimely” because he was a young man with a wife and small children. He had MUCH to offer and MUCH left to be done for the Lord. Honestly, I did ask God, WHY? But then WHY do missionaries get murdered? Why do men and women of God get martyred? There’s much they could offer in building God’s kingdom. Why wouldn’t God keep them alive to do His work here on earth?

But whose to say that any of us will live to a ripe old age? And why is an extended life here on earth considered blessing?

Where do I land? I land in Isaiah 55:8-9
“For My thoughts are not your thoughts,
Neither are your ways My ways, declares the LORD,
“For as the heavens are higher than the earth.
So are My ways higher than your ways,
And My thoughts than your thoughts.

To live is Christ, to die is GAIN! I am a vapor that appears for a little while. My purpose on earth is to be an ambassador for Christ. It’s all too easy (for me) to get entangled with the things of this world and to NOT live in light of the very true fact that I live in the land of the dying and I’m on my way to the land of the living! I get too comfortable with my life here. I don’t long for Heaven enough! Thank you Mark for restoring my “eternal perspective” on life.

These are the kinds of messages I'm reading over, and over everyday! Encouraging, positive messages that lift the girls and I up and increases our hope. We're still dealing with 'open wounds' though. While I've been working on being more open about my grief, even around the girls to a point, I realized how hard it's gonna be to know how much is too much. Jin, Isa and I were on our way to Keila's school to pick her up when Jin asked me why I've been so obsessed with saying "I love you MORE" lately. She doesn't know about my letters to you...and she probably wont know until I let her get a FB account (when she's 14). So, I explained how those were the last 4 words you spoke to me when you left the apartment that early morning. I probably should have left it at that...but I started to explain further. About some of the things we discussed as you were getting ready for work, and the plans we had for the next day, and how you tucked me in like you always would...then I realized Isa was in the back seat crying. I felt horrible! But at the same time, I'm glad we had that moment. We talked about what she was feeling and how we all are on the same boat...missing you like crazy...and we're here for eachother no matter what. It was a good cry...

Now on to some more church-search-updating: As I mentioned, I went to a GriefShare meeting at FBC yesterday which is an AMAZING ministry they offer; I registered the girls for AWANAs tonight. They had their first session and they LOVED IT!!!; Friday night FBC is having a family movie night. We're gonna watch Pistacio, which is a VeggieTales movie:).; I still haven't decided for sure whether I'll be going to the FBC service on Sunday...the sermon will be about Godly Husbands. Part of me wants to go to hear what the pastor has to say...but the other part of me thinks i'm a whimp and wont last 5 minutes! We'll see...

I hope you're nice and warm up there!!! Cuz I'm FREEZING right now! I'm gonna go get your snuggie, and sleep with it on under my 2 blankets:)! Goodnight sweetheart...1434.

A straw for my coffee please?!?

I got a straw for my HOT venti-nonfat-no whip-white mocha today. It made me think about how I used to always drink it w/ a straw, but you often forgot to get me a straw when you'd get me one. You would get so mad at yourself...it was probably the only thing you couldn't remember as far as my wierd preferences go. Eventually, I got used to not using a straw and problem solved:)! You were so silly! I'd laugh at how upset you'd get at yourself over it, but it was something you seriously hated doing! That's my babee...it was your desire to meet others needs! No matter how big or small! It brought you joy:). 1434

143

So, I went back to the site to view the gallery/slide show and I noticed that I uploaded exactly 143 pictures! How appropriate:)!!!  143...4 babee!!!!

I LOVE YOU MORE!!!!!!

Wow babee...I just uploaded a bunch of pictures to the memorial site and just wanted to take a moment to say I love you more than white chocolate resees peanut butter cups...to infinity and beyond! ;) I miss your hugs, kisses, winks from across the room, and your warm and sweaty hands to hold. I hear your laugh and your voice sometimes...and I look around as if I'll see you. I hold close the times you'd ask that we stop whatever we're doing so you could pray over our home, family, and our plans for the day. I just miss YOU!

Thank God for Discernment!

I think that part of how I got thru yesterdays service was by writing in my journal during the sermon..

 This will be a tough hour! Or, I can look at it like Ate Mae texted - "God sure does have a sense of humor!" :)  Todays sermon is titled "Wake up. Walk in love. The Portrait of a wife". It's part of a series titled "Husbands & Wives". Oh, and next Sunday will be about husbands...

So, I'm sitting here in the back of the church listening to the pastor describe everything I prayed and studied to become. A Godly wife! I thought about your prayer to become a Godly husband...Man after HIS heart...to provide for and lead our family in HIS will. We weren't perfect, but these were the desires of our hearts. To have a Christ-centered marriage and family. I miss the times we'd listen to marriage sermons, books on family, sit for hours at our desk discussing what we need to do or change in order to step closer to becoming the perfect Christ-centered family.

Rumor has it-you worked two jobs because of me. Therefore, you were in that intersection at the time of the collision because of me. When I heard this, I literally laughed! Anyone who truly knew you...not only the Godly man you became, but also the man that hundreds of people have testified you were thru the years before I met you...would know the following two facts:

#1-You found joy in being a provider. Whether it was providing help to a friend, advice, a shoulder to cry on, or providing for your family...doing so brought YOU joy, just as much as the receiver. That's why we always said "It's a blessing to be a blessing". You couldn't stand when we lived in SoCal and my annual salary was a little more than yours! LoL YOU had to be the bread winner! ;)

#2-You LOVED your jobs! When I'd worry about you, you would remind me that "it's like having one full time job and working a split-shift". You were able to be a geek at Best Buy for 4 hours during the day, run errands, drive us all around (having one car in a family of five wasn't easy), do ministry work, study, get rest in the afternoon/evening, then hustle at your other passion which was FedEx for 4 hours. And when you didn't need to do all the stuff in-between, you'd work up to 6 hours at Best Buy and/or asked for additional hours at FedEx. I hated that you were gone during the night...I lost sleep because of it, especially since it was just us girls in the apartment! But that was the shift you chose to work because having time for ministry was vital, and the good Lord kept us from harm all those nights you were gone.

So, to sum it up...you were in that intersection at the time of the collision because you were on your way to pick up a coworker/friend YOU LOVED, to head to a job YOU LOVED, in order to provide for the family YOU LOVED. Nuff said.

The other rumor is that we weren't married. I wish we thought about having a small Christian ceremony sooner...but we didn't put much thought into it until we realized how special 11/11/11 would be. (The day we met on Myspace was 3/11...get it? Three Eleven's! LoL Gosh, we're corny.)

But aside from the fact that I needed a valid marriage license and certificate in order to change my name at DMV and at the Social Security Administration (which I did), what saddens me the most is that no matter how YOU felt and how YOU lived your life...it all doesn't seem to matter. Somehow, because you aren't physically here anymore, your love for me and the girls; your natural papa-skills; your very own words spoken to others about your passion and devotion us; your obvious desire to lead our family as God called you to; the hundreds of emails/messages/cards/letters/FB posts from people testifying of your being a proud husband and papa...all that doesn't matter.

But thank God for Discernment! I ain't mad, and i'm sure you aren't either. I'm not even disappointed. You know my heart, just as I know yours. GRIEF SUCKS! And I can only imagine how much harder it must be when theres a ton of regret involved at the same time. I don't mean to pour salt on open wounds by saying that, but it's the only possible reasoning I can think of as to why these rumors came about. So my prayer is for love, peace and understanding within the heart and mind of the person or people whose grief has led him/her/them to attack and put the blame of your death on the LOVE OF YOUR LIFE.

[Whoever you are - I LOVE YOU! I know you're hurting...anyone who was blessed to know and love Mark Matthew Aragon is suffering an enormous loss. Without Christ in my life, I don't know where my grief would have led me or what it would have caused me to feel or do or say out of hurt and anger. But in the end, I hope that Mark's life, and the legacy he left us all to fulfill can prevail and we can spend our remaining days on this Earth in harmony. I pray for you often. God bless you.]

Boo-boose: I'm missing and loving you more and more every second of every day...I just blew a kiss up to Heaven for you:).

Decisions, decisions...

It's been a while since we attended a Sunday service...in fact, if we didn't go today it woulda been exactly 2 months since Keila's baptism service. There have been plenty of Sundays that I've gone as far as waking up and getting dressed for a service...but I never actually made it. Instead, I've spent hours listening to sermon podcasts, which we LOVED to do together!

We have so many options to consider when it comes to a "home church", and you know how I love options! (Can you sense my sarcasm??? LoL)

1. First on the list is Refuge Community Church in Lafayette. It's anywhere between 80 and 95 miles away, depending on which route I take...  This was OUR home chuirch. Our family was blessed to become a part of this church back in October 2009 when it was just a Crazy Love bible study. The church family became an extention to ours in a very short period of time, and has helped the girls and I in such a major way since 11/4! Pastor Ron and Kim were the first people we called after finding out about your passing, and they came to be by our side soon after. The church as a whole blessed us with soooo very much! They even provided us with some furniture, brand new bedding for each of us, the moving truck, packing/cleaning/loading the truck, many contributed to the memorial fund, and lots of prayers!

BUT...there are two main things keeping us from going back! #1-Just the mere thought of being in that building without you saddens me to tears! We all served on the launch team AS A FAMILY, and being there without you just wouldn't feel right. #2-Pastor Ron, Kim and the Planting Team have so much on their plates as they prayerfully and obediently seek to grow the church. Yet, right now the girls and I need to be ministered-TO in a major way! Now, you of all people know how difficult it is for me to admit that! We are a family that loves to serve and enjoyed seeking-out opportunities to serve...But right now, your girls need to lean on our brothers and sisters in Christ to help us thru our grief in a healthy, biblical way. The responsibilities of a church plant are so great, and it wouldn't be fair for us to even attempt to dive back in when most of our time and energy is spent grieving.


2. There's Cornerstone Church not too far away where everyone knows all about our situation, and has been a HUGE blessing to us especially during our first month here in Sacramento. They've provided help unloading the truck the day we moved, meals for a couple weeks, financial support, and a TON of prayers! Not to mention the fact that the pastor and his wife are our very own bro-in-law and sista, AND it's where you and I were baptized in 2009!

But knowing only Ate Sette and Pastor/Brother Nick on a personal lever, while the rest of the church knows everything about us and what we're going thru makes it hard for us to feel comfortable. That sounds odd, I know. Especially considering all the love and help they've blessed us with! But I just can't find the words to better express how we feel. Maybe it's because it's a fairly new church that we can't get "lost" in. Unlike the Cheer's theme song, we wanna go where nobody knows our names/situation. At least not before we tell them. We need to get so lost in a church body that we can't see any way out!


3. Then there's Valley Bible Church in Hercules, just under 70 miles away...and another church we served in as a family. This is the first church we served in since we moved back to the Bay Area in 2008, and the entire worship ministry has treated us like family since the moment we first stepped foot in their doors. This is also where we met Pastor Ron and Kim before planting Refuge Community Church! There ain't nothin but THE TRUTH taught there and I believe there's every ministry you can think of offered! Grief Share, AWANAs, childrens choir, LGP (middle school), Flashpoint (high school), numerous Bible studies throughout the year, and the list goes on...

The mighty prayer warriors of Valley have been blessing us every single day in so many ways! The choir sang at your first viewing, Shirley sang Amazing Grace at your funeral service, the programs, the reception hall (offered to us at the VERY last minute when original plans fell thru), Paul and Lindsey even gifted and delivered us a washer and dryer they had after Lindsey read on FB that I was at a laundromat! We've been lifted up in prayer daily, and I'm positive I left a lot out...but "WoW!", right?!?

The only thing that keeps us from calling this our home church is the calendar of events. Lala would need to be there Tuesday nights for Flashpoint; Isa would have AWANAs on Wednesday nights; Jin would have LGP, while Lala and I would attend the GriefShare meetings Thursday nights; there's often events on Friday's and Saturday's; morning service on Sunday's; and evening services every 2nd Sunday of the month! 70 miles x 2 = 140 miles round trip; 140 x 4 = 560; So, we're talkin bout a minimum of 560 miles, plus toll each week, homework having to be done on the road, lots of cranky-moody-hours spent in the car...and I don't even have a job yet!


4. I've been researching church's in the Sacramento area, and this morning we visited the first. First Baptist Church of Elk Grove. This is also the same church I attended GriefShare for the first time. The girls each loved their youth groups/service...I, on the other hand, won't be able to develop an accurate opinion until after the 1/23/11 service (assuming the sermon topic won't have anything to do with marriage). Go figure - GOD HAS AN AMAZING SENSE OF HUMOR!!! It was my first time back to service after all these weeks and the topic today was titled "Wake up. Walk in Love. The Portrait of a Wife." And of course next Sunday's sermon will be for the husbands! So, unless the following week's sermon is about Godly fathers, I should be able to soak in whatever the pastor preaches and have a better feel for the place. :)

This church is a little bigger than what we're used to at Valley Bible, and when it comes to the various ministries available and groups for the girls to get involved in, it reminds me of Valley Bible. That's a great thing! I plan on listening to some of the past sermons to get a better feel for what's being preached. Luckily, all the sermons are uploaded to the website.


I'll update you more on this subject later...but for now it's time for me to K.O.  I love you more babee!

Hopeless Romantic (January 8, 2011)

I sent this post via email last night, but didn't see it this morning:(...

So babe, as I was getting ready for bed I walked in my closet and noticed the rose you gave me for my birthday...less than 2 weeks before you were given your wings! I put it in the closet because for a few weeks I'd cry everytime I'd look at it!

I didn't cry this time though. Instead, it made me smile:). I thought of all the random 2-dozen boquets of beautiful red roses you'd get me, and oh-so-special single rose you'd give me on special days...just like you did the day we met.

I'll forever miss your hopeless-romantic gestures, and I'll savor the memories of our loving romance always.

I love you more...