Thank God for Discernment!

I think that part of how I got thru yesterdays service was by writing in my journal during the sermon..

 This will be a tough hour! Or, I can look at it like Ate Mae texted - "God sure does have a sense of humor!" :)  Todays sermon is titled "Wake up. Walk in love. The Portrait of a wife". It's part of a series titled "Husbands & Wives". Oh, and next Sunday will be about husbands...

So, I'm sitting here in the back of the church listening to the pastor describe everything I prayed and studied to become. A Godly wife! I thought about your prayer to become a Godly husband...Man after HIS heart...to provide for and lead our family in HIS will. We weren't perfect, but these were the desires of our hearts. To have a Christ-centered marriage and family. I miss the times we'd listen to marriage sermons, books on family, sit for hours at our desk discussing what we need to do or change in order to step closer to becoming the perfect Christ-centered family.

Rumor has it-you worked two jobs because of me. Therefore, you were in that intersection at the time of the collision because of me. When I heard this, I literally laughed! Anyone who truly knew you...not only the Godly man you became, but also the man that hundreds of people have testified you were thru the years before I met you...would know the following two facts:

#1-You found joy in being a provider. Whether it was providing help to a friend, advice, a shoulder to cry on, or providing for your family...doing so brought YOU joy, just as much as the receiver. That's why we always said "It's a blessing to be a blessing". You couldn't stand when we lived in SoCal and my annual salary was a little more than yours! LoL YOU had to be the bread winner! ;)

#2-You LOVED your jobs! When I'd worry about you, you would remind me that "it's like having one full time job and working a split-shift". You were able to be a geek at Best Buy for 4 hours during the day, run errands, drive us all around (having one car in a family of five wasn't easy), do ministry work, study, get rest in the afternoon/evening, then hustle at your other passion which was FedEx for 4 hours. And when you didn't need to do all the stuff in-between, you'd work up to 6 hours at Best Buy and/or asked for additional hours at FedEx. I hated that you were gone during the night...I lost sleep because of it, especially since it was just us girls in the apartment! But that was the shift you chose to work because having time for ministry was vital, and the good Lord kept us from harm all those nights you were gone.

So, to sum it up...you were in that intersection at the time of the collision because you were on your way to pick up a coworker/friend YOU LOVED, to head to a job YOU LOVED, in order to provide for the family YOU LOVED. Nuff said.

The other rumor is that we weren't married. I wish we thought about having a small Christian ceremony sooner...but we didn't put much thought into it until we realized how special 11/11/11 would be. (The day we met on Myspace was 3/11...get it? Three Eleven's! LoL Gosh, we're corny.)

But aside from the fact that I needed a valid marriage license and certificate in order to change my name at DMV and at the Social Security Administration (which I did), what saddens me the most is that no matter how YOU felt and how YOU lived your life...it all doesn't seem to matter. Somehow, because you aren't physically here anymore, your love for me and the girls; your natural papa-skills; your very own words spoken to others about your passion and devotion us; your obvious desire to lead our family as God called you to; the hundreds of emails/messages/cards/letters/FB posts from people testifying of your being a proud husband and papa...all that doesn't matter.

But thank God for Discernment! I ain't mad, and i'm sure you aren't either. I'm not even disappointed. You know my heart, just as I know yours. GRIEF SUCKS! And I can only imagine how much harder it must be when theres a ton of regret involved at the same time. I don't mean to pour salt on open wounds by saying that, but it's the only possible reasoning I can think of as to why these rumors came about. So my prayer is for love, peace and understanding within the heart and mind of the person or people whose grief has led him/her/them to attack and put the blame of your death on the LOVE OF YOUR LIFE.

[Whoever you are - I LOVE YOU! I know you're hurting...anyone who was blessed to know and love Mark Matthew Aragon is suffering an enormous loss. Without Christ in my life, I don't know where my grief would have led me or what it would have caused me to feel or do or say out of hurt and anger. But in the end, I hope that Mark's life, and the legacy he left us all to fulfill can prevail and we can spend our remaining days on this Earth in harmony. I pray for you often. God bless you.]

Boo-boose: I'm missing and loving you more and more every second of every day...I just blew a kiss up to Heaven for you:).