I don't like to talk about it, but, especially as the new year approaches, I keep beating myself up for NOT keeping you home just a minute...or even a couple seconds later on the horrible morning I lost you. I keep replaying in my head the conversation we had, the footsteps you took around the apartment while getting ready for work, the different things I could have said or done to keep you from being in that intersection at the time of the collision. Why, of all nights, didn't you hit the snooze button just one more time? And I blame myself because I went to make sure you got up the first time I heard the alarm go off. WHY did I do that? And why didn't I run out to you to continue 'arguing' over who loves who more? That alone would have kept you at least another minute away from 106th & MacArthur!
There's a constant battle in my head over this! Why did I have to remind you to get gas after worship rehearsal? Cuz if you didn't get it then, you would've been pulling into the gas station instead of driving thru that stop light!
I know in my heart that I shouldn't kill myself over this, but I can't turn the thoughts OFF! I miss you, I want you, and I need you so much babee! Your face, your voice, your comforting touch...its hard to just imagine having to live without it all, let alone accept that its reality...
This is the 1st New Year without you, and beneath this "strong and tough" exterior, I am a mess! I can't find any other way to explain it...I'm just a MESS!
I read this in my GriefShare book: "In God's economy you can't go back and say, 'I should have done this,' 'I should have done that,' I didn't do this right,'"..."because you did the best you could at the time that you did it. God knows your heart, and you can't live in a state of regret or wishing you had done something differently."
"Remember the good times, and counter your 'if onlys' with Scripture. God's Word is powerful and will help you conquer the negative thouhts that play in your head. Replace harmful thoughts with God's healing words."
Ephesians 4:22-24 You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness."
Babee, I know this and believe it to be Gospel-Truth, and I'm praying for some DIVINE INTERVENTION to keep my mind free from the thoughts of self-condemnation! I need your help with this! I NEED YOU!
Loving you more every second...
Here's my letter to you, Mark Matthew Aragon. The LOVE of my life, and Papa to our girls, who's Heavenly birthday is 11/04/2010. There's so much I want to say and if Heaven had a phone, I'd call. Missing & loving you more everyday, Lei
Friday, December 31, 2010
Thursday, December 30, 2010
New Years Eve, Eve
Happy New Years Eve, Eve my love! The end of the most difficult year ever marks the beginning of another difficult year to be filled with more "firsts" without you. I'll continue to miss you like crazy until I see your fine face again...and I'll love you MORE until you can prove me otherwise...
Back to the OC
First thing this morning, we went to visit old HAI West/PMSI friends, now working at MedVal. We chatted for a bit, catching up on what's goin on and stuff. It was so nice to see them all after all this time! If I could, I would LOVE to move back! But one thing Keila and I realized is that although it would be nice to come back to where we spent majority of our time together, it would be a million times harder because you weren't here with us. Man babe - I thought it was hard in Oakland...and even in Sac...but being out here in SoCal ain't no joke!
We went to Pick-up-Stix by our old job. Alana had their house special beef for the first time, and of course LOVED IT! ;) When we sat down, I looked out the window and realized the Best Buy. Next thing you know, a FedEx truck drove by the front of it and the girls thought I was crazy when I rushed to get my camera on to take a picture, but it was too late. I was bummed, but oh well! I'm sure that's not the only time I'll see things like that!
Then we drove around Aliso Viejo. First stop - Town Center! Keila went picture happy as we drove around remembering all the times we shared there and the funny moments that came to mind...like the time you got so mad that this kid was disrespecting you by taking his sweet time crossing the street thinking he was cool with his friends, and you almost jumped out of the car and got all OAKLAND on his butt!!! LoL
We went to our first apartment, then up to Grand Park. Grand Park brought up a ton of memories and emotions! All the times we'd bring the kids there to play...and the Sunday's we bring our lunch there and sit at the same picnic table everytime. Or the OC Bootcamp I attempted at 5am in the mornings, and you'd be there to motivate me. And of course the many walks we took around the park. The view is just as gorgeous as I remember! I cried like a baby and told your story, and our story, to an old couple who walked by and took the time to chat with me. It was so sweet babee...I could tell they were so in love, just like us. After they walked on, I cried more because I started thinking about how we'd always talk about how we were gonna grow old and gray together and still be all lovey-dovey making others say "awe, how sweet" or wanna throw-up:)! Hahaha
We drove by our old condo. Keila noticed it's for sale! The pool area sparked even more memories of the 10,432,543,999 BBQ's/pool parties we had there! (That's a lot! LoL) I pictured you at the grill, the girls in the pool, and me at the table w/ friends playing dominoes. Man, I wish we can all do that just one more time...
We went to Macaroni Grill with the Ross family. Remember when we first met Lisa after growing to love Trey and Tristen? It was at the same Macaroni Grill! We did a lot of reminiscing and catching up...I thanked Lisa for sending Trey out for the viewing and funeral. I always knew you considered Trey to be the son you never had, but to know that you were such a father figure to him...and that Lisa acknowledged it too, was so comforting! Lisa and I talked about the many times you mentored him and gave him those "father-son" talks whenever he needed them. She shared with me the fact that he spoke of you in his college application essays too! That shows just how much you were born to be a father! It came so natural babee!!!
Sometime this week, maybe next week, I wanna post all the pictures for you. I'm sure you'll get a kick outta some of the pic's we took! But for now, you're just gonna have to wait! ;) We have another day of picture taking ahead. So goodnight (or good morning) for now honey-bunches-of-oats. I love you more:)!
We went to Pick-up-Stix by our old job. Alana had their house special beef for the first time, and of course LOVED IT! ;) When we sat down, I looked out the window and realized the Best Buy. Next thing you know, a FedEx truck drove by the front of it and the girls thought I was crazy when I rushed to get my camera on to take a picture, but it was too late. I was bummed, but oh well! I'm sure that's not the only time I'll see things like that!
Then we drove around Aliso Viejo. First stop - Town Center! Keila went picture happy as we drove around remembering all the times we shared there and the funny moments that came to mind...like the time you got so mad that this kid was disrespecting you by taking his sweet time crossing the street thinking he was cool with his friends, and you almost jumped out of the car and got all OAKLAND on his butt!!! LoL
We went to our first apartment, then up to Grand Park. Grand Park brought up a ton of memories and emotions! All the times we'd bring the kids there to play...and the Sunday's we bring our lunch there and sit at the same picnic table everytime. Or the OC Bootcamp I attempted at 5am in the mornings, and you'd be there to motivate me. And of course the many walks we took around the park. The view is just as gorgeous as I remember! I cried like a baby and told your story, and our story, to an old couple who walked by and took the time to chat with me. It was so sweet babee...I could tell they were so in love, just like us. After they walked on, I cried more because I started thinking about how we'd always talk about how we were gonna grow old and gray together and still be all lovey-dovey making others say "awe, how sweet" or wanna throw-up:)! Hahaha
We drove by our old condo. Keila noticed it's for sale! The pool area sparked even more memories of the 10,432,543,999 BBQ's/pool parties we had there! (That's a lot! LoL) I pictured you at the grill, the girls in the pool, and me at the table w/ friends playing dominoes. Man, I wish we can all do that just one more time...
We went to Macaroni Grill with the Ross family. Remember when we first met Lisa after growing to love Trey and Tristen? It was at the same Macaroni Grill! We did a lot of reminiscing and catching up...I thanked Lisa for sending Trey out for the viewing and funeral. I always knew you considered Trey to be the son you never had, but to know that you were such a father figure to him...and that Lisa acknowledged it too, was so comforting! Lisa and I talked about the many times you mentored him and gave him those "father-son" talks whenever he needed them. She shared with me the fact that he spoke of you in his college application essays too! That shows just how much you were born to be a father! It came so natural babee!!!
Sometime this week, maybe next week, I wanna post all the pictures for you. I'm sure you'll get a kick outta some of the pic's we took! But for now, you're just gonna have to wait! ;) We have another day of picture taking ahead. So goodnight (or good morning) for now honey-bunches-of-oats. I love you more:)!
Remembering you, and missing you in SoCal
Being in SoCal has been so wierd! I mean...I've been having a blast, but being without you brings me back to the wierdness:(.
I was reminded of the times when you'd drive all over SoCal for work, and the few times you'd be running late so I'd go with you so you could use the carpool lane! LoL Like we always said, "SoCal traffic SUCKS"!
Today, we went to a yummy mexican restaurant with the Contapays and Malutos. On the menu, there was a "lunch truck burrito" that reminded me of the SUPER chicharon burritos you LOVED at that Guadalajara truck in Oakland! Well, you used to get el pastor, but after Mert introduced us to the chicharon, you were hooked:).
Then we went to the West Covina mall where we shopped and when I was done, I sat at a table waiting for everyone and memories of us talking about how much we hate shopping came to mind. We loved giving gift cards, but hated receiving them cuz it meant we had to shop to use them! Hahaha
Right now, I'm hanging with some old co-workers from the lab. Don't worry...I'm not drinking, so they're drinking FOR me! LoL It's pretty entertaining (to say the least)! ;) Tomorrow, we're gonna visit our old coworkers in Laguna Hills, then drive around our old stomping grounds. I can't wait to take a ton of pictures!!! We're supposed to meet up with Trey too, so it'll be like the good ol days...but without you.:(
Anyways, I'm gonna finish this up now so I can get back to being entertained... Miss you much, and I LOVE YOU MORE!
I was reminded of the times when you'd drive all over SoCal for work, and the few times you'd be running late so I'd go with you so you could use the carpool lane! LoL Like we always said, "SoCal traffic SUCKS"!
Today, we went to a yummy mexican restaurant with the Contapays and Malutos. On the menu, there was a "lunch truck burrito" that reminded me of the SUPER chicharon burritos you LOVED at that Guadalajara truck in Oakland! Well, you used to get el pastor, but after Mert introduced us to the chicharon, you were hooked:).
Then we went to the West Covina mall where we shopped and when I was done, I sat at a table waiting for everyone and memories of us talking about how much we hate shopping came to mind. We loved giving gift cards, but hated receiving them cuz it meant we had to shop to use them! Hahaha
Right now, I'm hanging with some old co-workers from the lab. Don't worry...I'm not drinking, so they're drinking FOR me! LoL It's pretty entertaining (to say the least)! ;) Tomorrow, we're gonna visit our old coworkers in Laguna Hills, then drive around our old stomping grounds. I can't wait to take a ton of pictures!!! We're supposed to meet up with Trey too, so it'll be like the good ol days...but without you.:(
Anyways, I'm gonna finish this up now so I can get back to being entertained... Miss you much, and I LOVE YOU MORE!
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Sac to SoCal
I finally made it safe and sound to SoCal with our eldests:)! (Keila-eldest daughter, Alana-eldest goddaughter) We were reminded of you all throughout the trip! The beautiful pink sky as the sun set..."Make Me Whole" by Amel Larrieux playing on the iPod playlist...Lana ordering a caramel macchiato and me introducing her to your fave way to have yours-"upside-down"...Driving thru the grapevine for the 1st time since we got together (I never liked driving it, even if we had to switch seats when I drove TO it)...Keila having leftovers at Panda Express w/out you there to finish it off...Ooh, and our fave peach iced tea at Panda too! The car ride alone was enough to keep you on my mind the entire time!!! I never made the trip w/out you since we got together! :(
Gosh, I miss you so much!
Good night baby. I love u more...
Gosh, I miss you so much!
Good night baby. I love u more...
Monday, December 27, 2010
Missing you...
Christmas is over now, and I still can't believe you weren't here with us. I spent a lot of this weekend numb and kinda detached from reality. I mean, I knew you weren't gonna walk thru the door but at the same time I felt like you were just away for a while...not forever. I don't know how to explain it...but i'm sure you feel me.
Keila, Alana and I are heading to SoCal tomorrow. I'm sure it'll be the longest road trip EVER because I'm probably gonna stop at every place I remember stopping at with you during our many drives back and forth. Gosh, that's a lot of stops! But it'll be fun, I'm sure:)! I can't wait to revisit all the significant places we spent a lot of time at when we lived in Aliso Viejo! Hopefully, we'll get to hang out with old friends too...
It's odd that it seems like it was just yesterday that you left, yet it seems like time is flying at the same time! I must be going crazy! Nothing makes sense anymore! And trying to make sense of things just makes everything more confusing! I miss your voice so much. We used to make fun of ourselves because the words "I love you" never got old! Not a day ever passed without us telling eachother "I love you" throughout the day. Not that we needed to remind eachother...there were just so many moments when a look, a word, or a touch would remind us of just how much we love eachother, and it just felt right to say it! It didn't matter who was or wasn't around us...all that mattered was that we said what we felt. I miss our "I love you because..." moments. We could be in the middle of a heated discussion or difference of opinion, but in the end one of us would say "I love you because you're honest and will always tell me how you feel...even when you're wrong!" LoL
I've been on the road a lot lately, and it still feels wierd to not have your hand to hold, or your arm to lay my head on. And everytime a special song plays, it's so hard to not have you beside me to explain how it makes me feel about you. I miss you asking me to scratch your back while you're driving, or how I'd mess around and put my hand on your neck and tell you I wasn't gonna tickle you, but you'd get all figity and ticklish anyways.
Sometimes I lay in bed just waiting for you to come kiss me good morning...and at night (or whenever it is I'm able to get sleep) I lay in bed just imagining you tucking me in then holding me. I miss waking up in the middle of the night FREEZING because you stole all the blankets and rolled youself into a "burrito". Most of all, I miss simply staring at you while you sleep...admiring how peaceful and handsome you are. Of course, when you weren't snoring like a bear! LoL And speaking of snoring, I miss how the girls would tell us we were like a symphony when we slept because our snoring was in perfect harmony! hahahaha
Well babe, it's almost 5:30am and I have a looooong day ahead of me. So, now i'm gonna lay in bed and imagind you tucking me in and holding me tight until I fall asleep and hopefully dream of you. Thank you for the special way you love me and for taking such good care of my heart. I miss you and I love you more...
Keila, Alana and I are heading to SoCal tomorrow. I'm sure it'll be the longest road trip EVER because I'm probably gonna stop at every place I remember stopping at with you during our many drives back and forth. Gosh, that's a lot of stops! But it'll be fun, I'm sure:)! I can't wait to revisit all the significant places we spent a lot of time at when we lived in Aliso Viejo! Hopefully, we'll get to hang out with old friends too...
It's odd that it seems like it was just yesterday that you left, yet it seems like time is flying at the same time! I must be going crazy! Nothing makes sense anymore! And trying to make sense of things just makes everything more confusing! I miss your voice so much. We used to make fun of ourselves because the words "I love you" never got old! Not a day ever passed without us telling eachother "I love you" throughout the day. Not that we needed to remind eachother...there were just so many moments when a look, a word, or a touch would remind us of just how much we love eachother, and it just felt right to say it! It didn't matter who was or wasn't around us...all that mattered was that we said what we felt. I miss our "I love you because..." moments. We could be in the middle of a heated discussion or difference of opinion, but in the end one of us would say "I love you because you're honest and will always tell me how you feel...even when you're wrong!" LoL
I've been on the road a lot lately, and it still feels wierd to not have your hand to hold, or your arm to lay my head on. And everytime a special song plays, it's so hard to not have you beside me to explain how it makes me feel about you. I miss you asking me to scratch your back while you're driving, or how I'd mess around and put my hand on your neck and tell you I wasn't gonna tickle you, but you'd get all figity and ticklish anyways.
Sometimes I lay in bed just waiting for you to come kiss me good morning...and at night (or whenever it is I'm able to get sleep) I lay in bed just imagining you tucking me in then holding me. I miss waking up in the middle of the night FREEZING because you stole all the blankets and rolled youself into a "burrito". Most of all, I miss simply staring at you while you sleep...admiring how peaceful and handsome you are. Of course, when you weren't snoring like a bear! LoL And speaking of snoring, I miss how the girls would tell us we were like a symphony when we slept because our snoring was in perfect harmony! hahahaha
Well babe, it's almost 5:30am and I have a looooong day ahead of me. So, now i'm gonna lay in bed and imagind you tucking me in and holding me tight until I fall asleep and hopefully dream of you. Thank you for the special way you love me and for taking such good care of my heart. I miss you and I love you more...
Sunday, December 26, 2010
December 25, 2010 at 6:30pm
9:30am-Jin came to me and just held me for a few minutes, then started crying. I started tearing, then realized that this is the first time Jin broke down (to me, at least) since your funeral! I just held her and said "if you wanna talk about it, let's talk. If you just wanna cry, then we can do that too!" She didn't say a word, and so I just held her as she continued to cry. After a few minutes I said "Imagine the birthday party Papa's at up there! Imagine him wearing a party hat and playing pin the tail on the donkey w/ JESUS, Himself!" I didn't get a laugh, but she did stop crying.
Seeing the girls hurt makes me hurt ten times more! I wish I could take the pain away, but there's nothing I could do. You're gone.
10:30am-After the exchange of gifts at the Lail house, I was getting ready for the family beautician, Silvia, to work her magic when Isa handed me a present from her to you and I. Inside was a hand-made Christmas tree (I'll post a pic later) and a letter. The letter read:
12:15-We arrived at Mom and Dad's house and it was pouring rain! I was worried about the gifts in the trunk that had to be brought in the house, but Mason and our fellow FedEx bro Kuya Mike came to the rescue. So far so good, unlike Thanksgiving. I'm still hanging out downstairs instead of hiding out in our room:). I definately am feeling a mix of emotions as everyone arrives, but I'm able to keep myself together. I'm praying right now for continued composure so no one has to worry or walk on eggshells around me. I know its hard for everyone else too! Not just me and the girls...
1:45pm-Dad said his usual 15 minute prayer before our meal, and even started crying when he spoke of you. I didn't hear exactly what was said because I was in the family room, but I'm sure it was touching, nonetheless... I sat on the couch and ate lunch. Prime rib, chicken pot pie, twice baked potato, scalloped potatoes, salad...yum! It was chaos! Kids all over the place, people talking over eachother, babies crying, kids acting up...it was beautiful:). I miss hearing your laugh in the midst of it all though. And how you'd eat mine and the girls' leftovers so we wouldn't waste food (wink, wink). There are pictures being taken all over the house, and even though I'm smiling I keep thinking about how you won't be in any of them... :(
2:30pm-Right now I'm sitting in the car to charge up my phone. Ya, that's why...to charge my phone! ;) OK, so I needed to step away from all the friggin JOY for a second! No big deal! I just wanna keep from getting emotional around everyone cuz then they'll feel bad, then I'll feel worse! The kids are soooo excited to open gifts in a bit, so right now, its all about them.
How is it that ALL Christmas songs are sad for me? Goodness, gracious!!! I guess its cuz they're all about love, or about Jesus who IS love. Love, love, love! I feel like a scrooge inside because all this LOVE in the air is making me feel suffocated!!! Oh wait, its not the love...its the effort I'm putting into frontin like it aint making me sad. Gosh, talking to you sure puts things into perspective babe! So, we're about to exchange gifts and imma stop frontin! If I wanna cry, I'm gonna cry!
2:55pm-Keila locked herself in the bathroom crying...Lord, help us!
3:25pm-Lala's fine. I asked Ate Lane to talk to her since the last time she broke down, she was there to talk her thru it. Its hard for her to talk to me cuz she thinks she's my mom sometimes and has to protect me!
3:45pm- Gifts are all open now and everyones enjoying them. Atch had my profile picture printed and framed for all our siblings and married nephews/nieces. It was a wierd feeling to see us everywhere! But looking at your handsome face never gets old! :) Ate Sette gave me a dvd of when we got baptized last year. She said "make sure you're around people when you watch it!" I think imma post your part on FB as your Christmas present to everyone:)! (If I can figure out how to do it! Can you beam me instructions? LoL)
4:00pm-Mama's too funny! She got all of our brothers character snuggies! They all modeled them as pictures were taken and they held a picture of you:)! Can't wait to post that one for ya! LoL
5:00pm-We're about to head back to Fairfield in a bit. I remember last year like it was yesterday...I didn't even plan on going to Atch's after-party cuz you had to work early the next morning, but you had already coordinated with my sista's and packed ur "dj" equipment into the trunk! LoL I even tried to change your mind when I realized we were going, but you wouldn't hear of it... But what a night!!! Our last Christmas with you!!! Wii Just Dance battles...Dancing...and lots of food and fun!!! I'm so glad we were able to spend it that way instead of home sleeping:).
6:00pm-Just touched down at Atch's house. Once everyone gets here, we're gonna watch videos from last Christmas and other parties. Can't wait to see your smilin face babee:)! I must say that today turned out pretty well, considering it's "your holiday". I thought it would be horrible like Thanksgiving was for me, but I was wrong. Hopefully I'm wrong about New Years and Valentines day ("my holiday").
I'll talk to you more tomorrow, my love. I'm sure you had an amazing celebration up there, dancin on the streets of gold! Miss you...and love you more...
Seeing the girls hurt makes me hurt ten times more! I wish I could take the pain away, but there's nothing I could do. You're gone.
10:30am-After the exchange of gifts at the Lail house, I was getting ready for the family beautician, Silvia, to work her magic when Isa handed me a present from her to you and I. Inside was a hand-made Christmas tree (I'll post a pic later) and a letter. The letter read:
Dear Momma and Papa,No need to explain how grateful I am she gave it to me BEFORE I got my makeup put on! Major waterworks babee!
Thank you for everything you've done for me, ate, and atchi. Thank you for being so kind to us. Me, you and everyone who knows and misses papa loved him so much. I'm writing this almost whole page about you both. You and papa were the very funny ones in our family, you were very sweet too! I will never forget papa ever, I promise! Merry Christmas! I just wanted to say I love you...two!
Your favorite daughter,
Isabel
12:15-We arrived at Mom and Dad's house and it was pouring rain! I was worried about the gifts in the trunk that had to be brought in the house, but Mason and our fellow FedEx bro Kuya Mike came to the rescue. So far so good, unlike Thanksgiving. I'm still hanging out downstairs instead of hiding out in our room:). I definately am feeling a mix of emotions as everyone arrives, but I'm able to keep myself together. I'm praying right now for continued composure so no one has to worry or walk on eggshells around me. I know its hard for everyone else too! Not just me and the girls...
1:45pm-Dad said his usual 15 minute prayer before our meal, and even started crying when he spoke of you. I didn't hear exactly what was said because I was in the family room, but I'm sure it was touching, nonetheless... I sat on the couch and ate lunch. Prime rib, chicken pot pie, twice baked potato, scalloped potatoes, salad...yum! It was chaos! Kids all over the place, people talking over eachother, babies crying, kids acting up...it was beautiful:). I miss hearing your laugh in the midst of it all though. And how you'd eat mine and the girls' leftovers so we wouldn't waste food (wink, wink). There are pictures being taken all over the house, and even though I'm smiling I keep thinking about how you won't be in any of them... :(
2:30pm-Right now I'm sitting in the car to charge up my phone. Ya, that's why...to charge my phone! ;) OK, so I needed to step away from all the friggin JOY for a second! No big deal! I just wanna keep from getting emotional around everyone cuz then they'll feel bad, then I'll feel worse! The kids are soooo excited to open gifts in a bit, so right now, its all about them.
How is it that ALL Christmas songs are sad for me? Goodness, gracious!!! I guess its cuz they're all about love, or about Jesus who IS love. Love, love, love! I feel like a scrooge inside because all this LOVE in the air is making me feel suffocated!!! Oh wait, its not the love...its the effort I'm putting into frontin like it aint making me sad. Gosh, talking to you sure puts things into perspective babe! So, we're about to exchange gifts and imma stop frontin! If I wanna cry, I'm gonna cry!
2:55pm-Keila locked herself in the bathroom crying...Lord, help us!
3:25pm-Lala's fine. I asked Ate Lane to talk to her since the last time she broke down, she was there to talk her thru it. Its hard for her to talk to me cuz she thinks she's my mom sometimes and has to protect me!
3:45pm- Gifts are all open now and everyones enjoying them. Atch had my profile picture printed and framed for all our siblings and married nephews/nieces. It was a wierd feeling to see us everywhere! But looking at your handsome face never gets old! :) Ate Sette gave me a dvd of when we got baptized last year. She said "make sure you're around people when you watch it!" I think imma post your part on FB as your Christmas present to everyone:)! (If I can figure out how to do it! Can you beam me instructions? LoL)
4:00pm-Mama's too funny! She got all of our brothers character snuggies! They all modeled them as pictures were taken and they held a picture of you:)! Can't wait to post that one for ya! LoL
5:00pm-We're about to head back to Fairfield in a bit. I remember last year like it was yesterday...I didn't even plan on going to Atch's after-party cuz you had to work early the next morning, but you had already coordinated with my sista's and packed ur "dj" equipment into the trunk! LoL I even tried to change your mind when I realized we were going, but you wouldn't hear of it... But what a night!!! Our last Christmas with you!!! Wii Just Dance battles...Dancing...and lots of food and fun!!! I'm so glad we were able to spend it that way instead of home sleeping:).
6:00pm-Just touched down at Atch's house. Once everyone gets here, we're gonna watch videos from last Christmas and other parties. Can't wait to see your smilin face babee:)! I must say that today turned out pretty well, considering it's "your holiday". I thought it would be horrible like Thanksgiving was for me, but I was wrong. Hopefully I'm wrong about New Years and Valentines day ("my holiday").
I'll talk to you more tomorrow, my love. I'm sure you had an amazing celebration up there, dancin on the streets of gold! Miss you...and love you more...
December 23, 2010 at 11:42pm
It's 11:30pm, and Keila and I are FINALLY home after being out all day... And since we totally procrastinated, we have a ton of wrapping and goodie-bag-making to do tonight!
Monse went back home today. We're gonna miss her, but lucky us gets to see her again next week when we head to SoCal! :) I can't wait to visit all our old favorite spots while out there...and see old friends. Town Center, Irvine Spectrum, Kings Hawaiian, Pick up Stix, etc...ah, I'm so excited! :)
Anyways babe, I gotta cut this short cuz we got lots to do. I'll be back later:).
Luv u more!!!
Monse went back home today. We're gonna miss her, but lucky us gets to see her again next week when we head to SoCal! :) I can't wait to visit all our old favorite spots while out there...and see old friends. Town Center, Irvine Spectrum, Kings Hawaiian, Pick up Stix, etc...ah, I'm so excited! :)
Anyways babe, I gotta cut this short cuz we got lots to do. I'll be back later:).
Luv u more!!!
December 22, 2010 at 9:55pm
The other day, one of Keila's tweets read: "#dearfuturehusband you must be amazing, I wouldn't marry you unless you're the typa man my Lolo is & Papa was"
I bet you're blushing right now:)! Our Lala is growing into such an amazing young lady, and you my dear had so much to do with that! I can't possibly express the extent of my gratitude to you for being such an awesome Papa...
We're at Atch's right now having our Family Holiday Dinner. I didn't realize it was tonight until I walked in and saw the table setup like last year. I thought we were just having a casual dinner with a few family. I sat where I sat last year. At first, I was gonna save your seat from last year, but I realized that was probably kinda wierd:). LoL Gene sat in your seat, which I'm sure you were OK with...
Remember the gold napkin rings? We have a picture together where we're showin em off as BLING! LoL I kept mine this year (shhh...don't tell Atch! wink-wink)!
We all miss you so much babe! But know that your memory is definately still alive. Christmas is just around the corner, and we're gonna put our usual Happy Birthday Jesus goodie bags for everyone. They're gonna be extra sweet this year:)!
Anyways, I just wanna remind you (again) that we miss you and love you more and more..."to infinity"!
I bet you're blushing right now:)! Our Lala is growing into such an amazing young lady, and you my dear had so much to do with that! I can't possibly express the extent of my gratitude to you for being such an awesome Papa...
We're at Atch's right now having our Family Holiday Dinner. I didn't realize it was tonight until I walked in and saw the table setup like last year. I thought we were just having a casual dinner with a few family. I sat where I sat last year. At first, I was gonna save your seat from last year, but I realized that was probably kinda wierd:). LoL Gene sat in your seat, which I'm sure you were OK with...
Remember the gold napkin rings? We have a picture together where we're showin em off as BLING! LoL I kept mine this year (shhh...don't tell Atch! wink-wink)!
We all miss you so much babe! But know that your memory is definately still alive. Christmas is just around the corner, and we're gonna put our usual Happy Birthday Jesus goodie bags for everyone. They're gonna be extra sweet this year:)!
Anyways, I just wanna remind you (again) that we miss you and love you more and more..."to infinity"!
December 22, 2010 at 1:51am
(Thanks for sharing this with me Jiji!!!)
I see the countless Christmas trees around the world below.
With tiny lights, like heaven's stars reflecting on the snow.
The sight is so spectacular, please wipe away that tear,
For I'm spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.
I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear.
But the sounds of music can't compare with the Christmas choir up here.
For I have no words to tell you the joy their voices bring.
For it is beyond description to hear the angels sing.
I know how much you miss me,
I see the pain inside your heart.
For I'm spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.
I can't tell you the splendor of the peace here in this place. Can you just imagine Christmas with our Savior face to face?
I'll ask him to light your spirit as I tell him of your love.
So then pray for one another as you lift your eyes above.
So please let your hearts be joyful and let your spirit sing!
For I am spending Christmas in heaven,
And I'm walking with the King.
Author Unknown
I see the countless Christmas trees around the world below.
With tiny lights, like heaven's stars reflecting on the snow.
The sight is so spectacular, please wipe away that tear,
For I'm spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.
I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear.
But the sounds of music can't compare with the Christmas choir up here.
For I have no words to tell you the joy their voices bring.
For it is beyond description to hear the angels sing.
I know how much you miss me,
I see the pain inside your heart.
For I'm spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.
I can't tell you the splendor of the peace here in this place. Can you just imagine Christmas with our Savior face to face?
I'll ask him to light your spirit as I tell him of your love.
So then pray for one another as you lift your eyes above.
So please let your hearts be joyful and let your spirit sing!
For I am spending Christmas in heaven,
And I'm walking with the King.
Author Unknown
December 21, 2010 at 11:58pm
Never thought I would, find the words that couldHey baby - I tried to find a video of Amel Larrieux singing this song on YouTube, but no luck. :( I've revisited a bunch of her songs recently and can't believe how much they make me feel like they were written just for us! "What's Come Over Me?" reminds me of when we first started falling in love..."Make Me Whole" TOTALLY speaks of how you and I were created specifically for one another...and this song, "Even If" describes the way that our love for one another was so true, so real, and brought so much JOY to our lives that nothing else mattered! No trials, no circumstance, not even the Lord calling one of us home could cause our love to waver! Now THAT'S what it means to be BLeSSeD with a LoVe so rare! Not to sound sure of myself in an arrogant way, but I must say that I wouldn't be suprised if you dedicated this song to me on one of the Heavenly "Love Zone" radio shows you're probably listening to up there! :)
Stand up through any weather
Something I could say, you could hear today
But stay with you forever
Just when I was losing my faith, and I was losing my way
It came to me as clear as day
Even if I wake up and find I'm alone
Cause the whole world's turned to stone
And my God says it's time I take you home
I'll be happy going knowing that I loved you
Innocent and mild, must be heaven's child
Sent to make me believe
On my darkest night, all you have to do is smile
And you breathe new life into me
Just when I was losing my faith, and losing my way
You came to me as clear as day
Even if I wake up and find I'm alone
Cause the whole world's turned to stone
And my God says it's time I take you home
I'll be happy going knowing that I loved you
There'll be a time
When I'm gonna have to leave this sweet place behind
But baby before I go, I gotta make sure you know
'Bout the joy that you bring to my life
Even if I wake up and find I'm alone
Cause the whole world's turned to stone
And my God says it's time I take you home
I'll be happy going knowing that I loved you
Just so you know, if I had a way to tap-into a dedication line up there, my song of choice to express how I feel about you and how grateful I am that you 'picked me' would have to be "Because of YOU" by Keith Martin. Like to hear (read) it? Here it goes...
If ever you wondered if you touched my soul, yes you doSo baby, we used to wonder what came over us in the beginning, but always remember that because of YOU, I am whole...and even if I don't see tomorrow, I'll be happy having known that I LOVE YOU MORE!!! ;)
Since I met you I'm not the same
You bring life to everything I do
Just the way you say hello
With one touch I can't let go
Never thought I'd fall in love with you...
Because of you, my life has changed, thank you for the love and joy you bring
Because of you, I feel no shame, I'll tell the world it's because of you
Sometimes I get lonely and all I gotta do is think of you
You captured something inside of me
You make all of my dreams come true
It's not enough that you love me for me
You reached inside and touched me eternally
"I love you" best explains how I feel for you...
Because of you, my life has changed, thank you for the love and the joy you bring
Because of you, I feel no shame, I'll tell the world it's because of you
The magic in your eyes
True love I can't deny
When you hold me I just lose control
I want you to know that I'm never letting go
You mean so much to me I want the world to see,
It's because of you
Because of you, my life has changed, thank you for the love and the joy you bring
Because of you, I feel no shame, I'll tell the world it's because of you
My life has changed thank you for the love and the joy you bring
Because of you, I feel no shame, I'll tell the world it's because of you...
Because of YOU
December 20, 2010 at 9:43pm
So, something was brought to my attention last week that I'll admit stung for a bit at first because I was having an "off week". Then I prayed on it, thought of you, and the "sting" healed! I reflected on the stages of grief and the fact that no two people grieve the same...and what may be completely inappropriate and disrespectful to most can be something that others just have to go thru in order to get thru it. At GriefShare, they say you gotta give yourself permission to grieve however you have to grieve even though some things you do just don't make sense. And I realized more than ever how important it is that I stay IN THE WORD! There's no better therapy for when "life happens" than learning what our DIVINE COUNSELOR has to say!
I was reminded just how BLeSSeD we are for having such awesome friends! While having dinner, Doris just happened to call to check up on us:). Did I mention...Doris and Adrian are honorary godparents to Lala? LoL
We have another long day ahead of us tomorrow, so I'm gonna cut this (kinda) short. Hopefully, the insomnia doesn't keep me up all night again! Goodnight, my love...I love you more;).
One of the first things you lose when you step out of God’s will, is your peace. So if you don’t have peace about it, don’t proceed!
God doesn't promise us understanding. He promises us peace beyond understanding. Trust more, question less. (Brit Merrick)Pastor Ron, Kim, Micah and Maddy came to visit us today:). We had such a good time hanging out and catching up. After hanging out for a bit, they all took us out to dinner at Sheri's where we talked more and had some yummy food. Maddy is the most mellow baby I've ever met! She only cried a little bit at the restaurant...but other than that, she was all smiles! I can't wait to see the rest of the RCC family on Friday!
I was reminded just how BLeSSeD we are for having such awesome friends! While having dinner, Doris just happened to call to check up on us:). Did I mention...Doris and Adrian are honorary godparents to Lala? LoL
We have another long day ahead of us tomorrow, so I'm gonna cut this (kinda) short. Hopefully, the insomnia doesn't keep me up all night again! Goodnight, my love...I love you more;).
December 20, 2010 at 4:33am
The year is almost over and the past 2 months are such a blurr to me! I still feel like everyday is the day I found out you were called home to be with the Lord.
So, I found out yesterday that I (barely) passed two of the three classes I took fall semester thru SBCC. Not bad, considering I didn't do a month of work at all! The class I didn't pass was based solely on assignments and there really was no way for me to make it all up, while the finals saved my butt in the other two! If it wasn't for the fact that you sacrificed so much and pushed me so much to go to school, I doubt I woulda had the motivation I needed during these past couple weeks...so THANK YOU!
The downside is that all the classes I registered for for spring semester have the class I failed as a prerequisite:(. But its all good though. I just have to take retake it and wait till summer to take the next set of courses. I'm considering taking regular classes here in Sac, as opposed to online courses. I think I need the classroom setting to keep me from going astray. Luckily, there's an accredited program thru a local community college:). I really don't want to let you down baby! I will finish! I promise!
The girls are on Christmas break now, thank God! :) Trying to develop a routine, grieve, deal with other issues, and "surviving the holidays" was getting more and more difficult! Sometimes I feel like locking myself in my room and not coming out till January 2nd! But I realize that wouldn't do me any good cuz all I'd have are memories of you, with no distractions (not that memories of you are bad...you know what i mean).
I'm starting to listen to music much more now. I kinda stopped for a while because of the emotions tied to most of the music I have. I have to skip thru a lot of songs though. Its amazing how so many memories we have are triggered by certain songs! Not just slow jams...even fast songs and gospel/praise & worship music! I remember so clearly when you heard "I Never Lost my Praise" sung at Valley Bible Church! We were standing just worshiping and I looked over to you and you were in tears! I can count on one hand how many times I saw you cry during the entire time I've known you! That's probably why that moment is so vivid in my mind! It was the Sunday after grandma passed away, so the song spoke into your life! That's why when Deb asked me if I had any special requests for them to sing at your viewing, that was it...
I'm so glad our faith grew so much so fast during your last years with us. You were always a wonderul guy, I have no doubt of that. But being a wonderful man of God prepared you for the intense homecoming I'm sure you received in Heaven. And not just that...we can rest assured that you are truly resting in peace up there. To God be the glory!
Loving and missing you more every second...
So, I found out yesterday that I (barely) passed two of the three classes I took fall semester thru SBCC. Not bad, considering I didn't do a month of work at all! The class I didn't pass was based solely on assignments and there really was no way for me to make it all up, while the finals saved my butt in the other two! If it wasn't for the fact that you sacrificed so much and pushed me so much to go to school, I doubt I woulda had the motivation I needed during these past couple weeks...so THANK YOU!
The downside is that all the classes I registered for for spring semester have the class I failed as a prerequisite:(. But its all good though. I just have to take retake it and wait till summer to take the next set of courses. I'm considering taking regular classes here in Sac, as opposed to online courses. I think I need the classroom setting to keep me from going astray. Luckily, there's an accredited program thru a local community college:). I really don't want to let you down baby! I will finish! I promise!
The girls are on Christmas break now, thank God! :) Trying to develop a routine, grieve, deal with other issues, and "surviving the holidays" was getting more and more difficult! Sometimes I feel like locking myself in my room and not coming out till January 2nd! But I realize that wouldn't do me any good cuz all I'd have are memories of you, with no distractions (not that memories of you are bad...you know what i mean).
I'm starting to listen to music much more now. I kinda stopped for a while because of the emotions tied to most of the music I have. I have to skip thru a lot of songs though. Its amazing how so many memories we have are triggered by certain songs! Not just slow jams...even fast songs and gospel/praise & worship music! I remember so clearly when you heard "I Never Lost my Praise" sung at Valley Bible Church! We were standing just worshiping and I looked over to you and you were in tears! I can count on one hand how many times I saw you cry during the entire time I've known you! That's probably why that moment is so vivid in my mind! It was the Sunday after grandma passed away, so the song spoke into your life! That's why when Deb asked me if I had any special requests for them to sing at your viewing, that was it...
I'm so glad our faith grew so much so fast during your last years with us. You were always a wonderul guy, I have no doubt of that. But being a wonderful man of God prepared you for the intense homecoming I'm sure you received in Heaven. And not just that...we can rest assured that you are truly resting in peace up there. To God be the glory!
Loving and missing you more every second...
December 20, 2010 at 4:39am
So babe...I just wrote you a NOVEL, and when I hit "publish", IT ERASED!!! This insomnia is the pits! You know my heart...
I love you more.
I love you more.
December 17, 2010 at 11:56pm
So, we were up by 5:45 and out of the house by 6:15am. I WANTED to be awake by 5 and out by 5:45...but the alarm just doesn't phase me anymore:(. We headed to Glen Cove, got picked up by Atch & Dave, then went to Isa's old school. As soon as we walked in, we felt the LOVE:)! It was so awesome to see how much Isa's teachers, classmates and friends missed her. She was smothered with hugs and her friends just didn't wanna let her leave! The music class had made her some Christmas cards and were gonna mail them to her, but handed them to her since she was there. We didn't have much time at all to hang out so we brought some goodie bags and her giant thank you card to her class and left.
We then went to the girls dentist office in Castro Valley for all three of them to get work done. When we walked in, we felt all the love there too! And to think - they only met you one time! The whole office gave their condolences and shared kind words.
As soon as I finished filing out paperwork, I had to run to FedEx because Tamara had something for me to pick up. Honestly, I figured maybe it was items of yours that was left in a locker...or paperwork, or something. To my complete suprise, Tamara came to me with a huge box full of presents from our "FedEx Family"! Needless to say, this was the third place I went to today and felt so amazingly LOVED! I don't know why I was so suprised...FedEx has always been like "family" to you. That's why you loved working there so much:). Tamara said "didn't you know? we adopted you and your girls!" :) In the thank-you email I sent to the team, I mentioned that the love and support we have received from FedEx continues to bless and amaze us everyday...
So, I headed back to the dentist office to wait for the girls to get done. Our next stop was to San Francisco for two appointments. It wasn't until 6pm'ish that we were finally done with our To-Do list. Getting out of the city was bad because traffice was HORRIBLE! We took a break from traffic and went to Tuk Tuk Thai in Berkeley. (Ya jealous??? LoL)
Isa randomly said "I miss papa" while we were waiting on our food. As sweet as it is, it breaks my heart everytime she does that! The girls shouldn't have to miss you so badly, and neither should I! NO ONE should have to go thru this kind of sudden, intense pain!
On the way to Vallejo, all four of the girls (including Monse, who spent a lot of time with us in SoCal) started reminiscing about us dancing in the kitchen. I still don't get what's so "ewe" about dancing! LoL Or hugging, or telling eachother how much we love eachother, or winking at eachother from across the room, or flirting, or leaving love notes for eachother, or playing the "I love you more than infinity" game! ;) That just reminded me! Yesterday, Keila mentioned how we used to be on the phone even though we weren't talking to eachother! I kind of remember, but not really...but she said that I'd have the phone to my ear and she'd ask me why I'm not talking! Were we really that silly? Hahaha
Anyways, now we're chillin with Nic, Annah and all our girls (except for Keila and Monse, who are hangin out in Fairfield). I think they're getting jealous because I've been here writing you a love letter while I should be hanging with them, so I better go now. I love you more than infinity! :)
We then went to the girls dentist office in Castro Valley for all three of them to get work done. When we walked in, we felt all the love there too! And to think - they only met you one time! The whole office gave their condolences and shared kind words.
As soon as I finished filing out paperwork, I had to run to FedEx because Tamara had something for me to pick up. Honestly, I figured maybe it was items of yours that was left in a locker...or paperwork, or something. To my complete suprise, Tamara came to me with a huge box full of presents from our "FedEx Family"! Needless to say, this was the third place I went to today and felt so amazingly LOVED! I don't know why I was so suprised...FedEx has always been like "family" to you. That's why you loved working there so much:). Tamara said "didn't you know? we adopted you and your girls!" :) In the thank-you email I sent to the team, I mentioned that the love and support we have received from FedEx continues to bless and amaze us everyday...
So, I headed back to the dentist office to wait for the girls to get done. Our next stop was to San Francisco for two appointments. It wasn't until 6pm'ish that we were finally done with our To-Do list. Getting out of the city was bad because traffice was HORRIBLE! We took a break from traffic and went to Tuk Tuk Thai in Berkeley. (Ya jealous??? LoL)
Isa randomly said "I miss papa" while we were waiting on our food. As sweet as it is, it breaks my heart everytime she does that! The girls shouldn't have to miss you so badly, and neither should I! NO ONE should have to go thru this kind of sudden, intense pain!
On the way to Vallejo, all four of the girls (including Monse, who spent a lot of time with us in SoCal) started reminiscing about us dancing in the kitchen. I still don't get what's so "ewe" about dancing! LoL Or hugging, or telling eachother how much we love eachother, or winking at eachother from across the room, or flirting, or leaving love notes for eachother, or playing the "I love you more than infinity" game! ;) That just reminded me! Yesterday, Keila mentioned how we used to be on the phone even though we weren't talking to eachother! I kind of remember, but not really...but she said that I'd have the phone to my ear and she'd ask me why I'm not talking! Were we really that silly? Hahaha
Anyways, now we're chillin with Nic, Annah and all our girls (except for Keila and Monse, who are hangin out in Fairfield). I think they're getting jealous because I've been here writing you a love letter while I should be hanging with them, so I better go now. I love you more than infinity! :)
December 17, 2010 at 1:40am
I finally found my GriefShare book tonight! I misplaced it earlier this week, and as the days seemed to get more and more unbearable I realized how dependent I am on the encouragement found in it. I think this was the first week in years that I didn't open my Bible either. I feel horrible that I let it "slip my mind", and I feel so relieved that I learned my lesson! I wasn't necessarily straying from God's word, but I wasn't soaking it up like I love to do either. Next thing you know, I was becoming more and more sad and angry. I can't stand that. Instead of praying for peace in my mind and heart, I felt myself getting angry that I couldn't grasp it! As if anger and peace had anything to do with eachother...
I was chatting with Ate Lane earlier about the day you passed away. Somehow, I had blocked so much from my memory. I remember the knock on the door...the police officers and your parents telling me what happened...then complete disbelief! I was numb. There was no way this was happening! I kept telling the officers that what they were telling me was impossible because I just sat with you on the very couch they were sitting on a couple hours before! I said "we were just talking about getting quarters for the laundry and his nephews birthday party on Saturday." That's the only specific thing I recall saying to them. The rest of the time I was talking out loud to the Lord, begging for this to not be happening. I didn't even cry...I couldn't believe it enough to cry about it! It wasn't until Pastor Ron and Kimberly, then my parents and sisters walked in that I began to realize that I wasn't in the middle of a nightmare...
The rest of the day was a blurr. Ate Lane said I would weep deeply, then fall asleep. Then wake up weeping, then fall asleep again. I can't even picture it! I'm a quiet crier. I can't remember the last time (before this) that I've cried out loud, let alone weeping!
I still get those feelings of disbelief now and then. The numbness comes and goes and so does acceptance of reality. It's wierd because I am fully aware that you're gone, so I know i'm in touch with reality...but there are times when I have to remind myself that you're not coming back. When I say "I miss you so much it hurts", I literally mean that it hurts! I go thru the same thing everyday: I'll recall a memory, laugh or feel comforted by it, then hurt so bad because I'll never get to experience that memory with you again. It's a never-ending cycle and although I have hope and know that the Lord brought me to it, so He'll bring me thru it, it's so painful.
I have a favor to ask. Please keep close watch of the girls and I. Keila's finding it pretty tough nowadays...now that she's allowing herself to grieve. If you see us begin to lose it, send us a reminder to "Focus on JESUS".
Goodnight husband. I love you more.
When it's hard to look forward and it's painful to look back, you need a new perspective, a new focus. Look to the Father and keep your eyes on Him. Everytime your thoughts drift away from Him, repeat these words, "Focused on YOU, JESUS, Focused on YOU." If you keep yourself centered in God, you will be able to move forward again.I read what I quoted above tonight right when I needed the reminder. I can't lose focus on our Heavenly Father! I feel like you somehow had something to do with teaching me this lesson because that's so something you'd do:)! So, thanks babe...
Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day....So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is TEMPORARY, but what is unseen is ETERNAL. (2 Corinthians 4:16, 18)
I was chatting with Ate Lane earlier about the day you passed away. Somehow, I had blocked so much from my memory. I remember the knock on the door...the police officers and your parents telling me what happened...then complete disbelief! I was numb. There was no way this was happening! I kept telling the officers that what they were telling me was impossible because I just sat with you on the very couch they were sitting on a couple hours before! I said "we were just talking about getting quarters for the laundry and his nephews birthday party on Saturday." That's the only specific thing I recall saying to them. The rest of the time I was talking out loud to the Lord, begging for this to not be happening. I didn't even cry...I couldn't believe it enough to cry about it! It wasn't until Pastor Ron and Kimberly, then my parents and sisters walked in that I began to realize that I wasn't in the middle of a nightmare...
The rest of the day was a blurr. Ate Lane said I would weep deeply, then fall asleep. Then wake up weeping, then fall asleep again. I can't even picture it! I'm a quiet crier. I can't remember the last time (before this) that I've cried out loud, let alone weeping!
I still get those feelings of disbelief now and then. The numbness comes and goes and so does acceptance of reality. It's wierd because I am fully aware that you're gone, so I know i'm in touch with reality...but there are times when I have to remind myself that you're not coming back. When I say "I miss you so much it hurts", I literally mean that it hurts! I go thru the same thing everyday: I'll recall a memory, laugh or feel comforted by it, then hurt so bad because I'll never get to experience that memory with you again. It's a never-ending cycle and although I have hope and know that the Lord brought me to it, so He'll bring me thru it, it's so painful.
I have a favor to ask. Please keep close watch of the girls and I. Keila's finding it pretty tough nowadays...now that she's allowing herself to grieve. If you see us begin to lose it, send us a reminder to "Focus on JESUS".
Goodnight husband. I love you more.
December 16, 2010 at 4:45am
I asked Angeline earlier what she wants for Christmas. Without hesitation, your beautiful goddaughter said "a Justin Bieber doll!" LoL I'm pretty sure you're either cracking up right now, or tryin to figure out a way to use your angelic powers to make sure I can't find one! We know how much of a huge fan you were.;) j/k If I remember correctly, Jin had Bieber-fever first...then Isa. Either way, you always teased them about it. Don't worry babe - I still remind them that boys will continue to have cooties until they graduate with a masters degree:)
So, one of the memories that surfaced today was one of the times we visited the Bay when we were living in Socal. You brought me to that beautiful rose garden in San Jose and we strolled around holding hands, and had strangers take pictures of us. Then we went to a park (I can't stand that I can't remember the name of the park!!!!) and had a Subway sandwich and vienna sausage picnic (I used to crack up at how you LOVED vienna sausages so much and would have a stash of 'em in your car at all times!). After we ate, we were just chillin on a picnic bench in the middle of a huge grassy area talking and spending some quality time when all of the sudden you had this look on your face like something bad happened. After a couple of seconds, you grabbed my hand and said "RUN BABY!" You noticed that the sprinklers were on and approaching us, and we took off running to the pavement. We ended up getting soaked because the sprinklers caught up to us, but we were crackin up the entire time:). Sad thing is that we didn't realize that we left our camera there on the picnic table until we were long gone:(.
You have always been such a romantic:)! We shared a love for beautiful scenic views and nature and I used to feel so special when you'd pull over whenever you saw a nice spot to watch the sunset or to just admire a beautiful scene. A lot of times, I'd be like "um, where we going" because you wouldn't even say anything...you'd just find somewhere to park so we could step out and enjoy the views. I love how you loved to suprise me:).
I can't even imagine the massive view you get to see all the time now! I know that if you could, you'd be taking pictures from up there and overnighting them down here so you can share them with me. Man, that would be amazing!
Well babe, it's past 4:30am now (i'm back to being an insomniac!), and I gotta wake the girls up in 2 hours to get ready for school...then pick up Monse from the airport. She is such a sweetheart! She asked her mom to send her out here to visit us during Christmas break as her Christmas present! Keila is so blessed to have such an awesome friend like her:). We're all blessed...
Goodnight my love. See you in my dreams:) I love you more...
So, one of the memories that surfaced today was one of the times we visited the Bay when we were living in Socal. You brought me to that beautiful rose garden in San Jose and we strolled around holding hands, and had strangers take pictures of us. Then we went to a park (I can't stand that I can't remember the name of the park!!!!) and had a Subway sandwich and vienna sausage picnic (I used to crack up at how you LOVED vienna sausages so much and would have a stash of 'em in your car at all times!). After we ate, we were just chillin on a picnic bench in the middle of a huge grassy area talking and spending some quality time when all of the sudden you had this look on your face like something bad happened. After a couple of seconds, you grabbed my hand and said "RUN BABY!" You noticed that the sprinklers were on and approaching us, and we took off running to the pavement. We ended up getting soaked because the sprinklers caught up to us, but we were crackin up the entire time:). Sad thing is that we didn't realize that we left our camera there on the picnic table until we were long gone:(.
You have always been such a romantic:)! We shared a love for beautiful scenic views and nature and I used to feel so special when you'd pull over whenever you saw a nice spot to watch the sunset or to just admire a beautiful scene. A lot of times, I'd be like "um, where we going" because you wouldn't even say anything...you'd just find somewhere to park so we could step out and enjoy the views. I love how you loved to suprise me:).
I can't even imagine the massive view you get to see all the time now! I know that if you could, you'd be taking pictures from up there and overnighting them down here so you can share them with me. Man, that would be amazing!
Well babe, it's past 4:30am now (i'm back to being an insomniac!), and I gotta wake the girls up in 2 hours to get ready for school...then pick up Monse from the airport. She is such a sweetheart! She asked her mom to send her out here to visit us during Christmas break as her Christmas present! Keila is so blessed to have such an awesome friend like her:). We're all blessed...
Goodnight my love. See you in my dreams:) I love you more...
December 15, 2010 at 7:47am
Today was one of those off-days where nothing seemed to go right, and I felt like everything was happening the opposite of how I wanted or was used to. It was horrible! Nothing major...just little things like forgetting to turn on my alarm when I took a "quick power nap" and missing an appointment, and leaving the house in house slippers and water soaking thru to my new socks, etc... I still thought of you thru it all though. I was reminded of how we were always able to laugh about our off-days and just move on.
So, I just realized what the "see relationship" link is all about! When I clicked on ours, all the wall activity, events, pages, etc. came up. I got a kick off of how often we did the whole "I love you more" thing in FB! LoL And I also felt that lovey-doveyness as I read all the super-mushiness we expressed on FB! And all the random "I love you babee" posts and stuff. I forgot how it wasn't just via text - we wanted everyone to know how much we were in love!
On your 31st bday, I posted:
Then you replied:
So, I just realized what the "see relationship" link is all about! When I clicked on ours, all the wall activity, events, pages, etc. came up. I got a kick off of how often we did the whole "I love you more" thing in FB! LoL And I also felt that lovey-doveyness as I read all the super-mushiness we expressed on FB! And all the random "I love you babee" posts and stuff. I forgot how it wasn't just via text - we wanted everyone to know how much we were in love!
On your 31st bday, I posted:
To my amazing husband-HaPPY BiRTHDaY! Thanks for giving me reason to fall deeper in love with you EVERYDAY! Always and Forever......and thanks for being the best "Papa" we could ever ask for! You continue to work so hard to provide for us. You go beyond making sure our "needs" are taken care of, you see to our happiness! Our years together have been so blessed because of you! (I could go on forever, but I'll stop there! lol) Have a blessed birthday baby! And THANK YOU GOD for bringing Mark into our lives!
Then you replied:
Thanks babee for the great words. You're so good at that. I'm one that can speak about business, Martial Arts, or any other hobby I've been apart of, but when it comes to personal feelings, I'm not always the best at it. Yes I take care of our family and I do what I can to provide for the family, but it is due to the inspiration that Lei gives me. I am a better person because of you. Love you babee.I think my absoolute favorite quote posted was:
We've grown to be one soul - two parts; our lives are so intertwined that when some passion stirs your heart, I feel the quake in mine. ~Gloria GaitherWow, right?!? It doesn't get more REAL than that!!! When one of us hurt, the other hurt. When one of us felt passionate about something, the other did too! I mean, it was hard for me to accept compliments because I'd always give you the credit for being my inspiration/motivation to do whatever you complimented me about...and vice versa! You are truly "the other half that makes me whole". I will forever miss the way we loved so greatly that we had to let the world know! Especially on a day like I had today...it blesses me beyond measure to reflect on those moments. Goodnight, sweetheart...I love you more:).
December 14, 2010 at 1:53am
Can you believe Baby is in the double digits now???? My goodness, she's gettin old! The goodie bags were a hit with her classmates:) For dinner, we went to Fentons in Vacaville with the fam. Jin realized how she had to order a half-crab sandwich instead of a whole one because you weren't there to eat the other half:(
It was another unexpected difficult day for me, but I'm pretty happy with how I held myself together for the b'day girl. In anticipation of today I thought it would be a significantly better day for me because I was so excited for her as I watched her get all teeny-bopper-happy to say bye-bye to the single digits...but I must've blocked out the fact that we always enjoyed watching our girls and their birthday countdowns together. Keila's birthMONTH (one day just isn't enough! LoL), Jin's never ending wish list, and Baby's "princess mode" cuz a birthday means she's much more mature than the previous day. ;)
This "year of first's" without you seems to get worse as the days go by! One would think it would get a little easier, but that sure ain't happening. If it weren't for griefshare, I'd think I was going crazy! But I know that what I'm experiencing is OK. It's OK for me to get emotional when I drive past a Burger King because you LOVED them whoppers, hold the cheese! It's OK that the Magic Bullet infomercial made me cry because you LOVED using ours for everything! It's OK for me to get angry inside whenever I see a CHP car on the freeway! It's OK that I sat in the Borders parking lot in tears because there was a FedEx truck parked behind a Geek Squad car as the courier made a quick delivery. And it's OK for us to think you're messin with us because I was ready to give up trying to setup our wireless router after days of trying (Comcast was gonna charge a grip to come out and do it), then one day Keila tells me it's working?!?! Or how we couldn't figure out why there was no sound when we'd play a DVD, then all of the sudden Jin get's some sort of "geek-revelation" or something, messes with some wiring, and fixes it! I'm not exaggerating one bit when I say that you're on my mind ALL DAY!
Jin and I were reminiscing about how you and I would be hugging and when the girls would see us, they'd come charging at us trying to break us apart saying "MY momma!" and you just wouldn't let go and say "no, she's MINE!". Or how we'd give eachother a little smooch and if they happened to see, they'd get all OA and grossed out! ;) We'd always say "what? would you rather we fight all the time instead of being lovey-dovey all the time?" And of course, they'd joke about how they'd rather us fight all the time, and we'd say OH WELL!!! Hahahhaha
I miss your hugs so much! I miss how we'd stop in the middle of doing something just to say "I love you" at the most random times... and the times we'd be walking around the grocery store separately and you'd sneak up behind me and hold me and i'd say "sorry, i'm married", and you'd say "so?" LoL Even our phone conversations when we weren't together were still so sweet!
I'm so glad the girls got to witness what a loving, Christ-centered relationship is like, in us. I hear so many horror stories about young women who settle for mental/verbal/physical abuse from their men...I highly doubt our girls would put up with any of that! (i'll keep prayin on it though!)
Well, it's getting late so goodnight babee. Missing and loving you more and more...
It was another unexpected difficult day for me, but I'm pretty happy with how I held myself together for the b'day girl. In anticipation of today I thought it would be a significantly better day for me because I was so excited for her as I watched her get all teeny-bopper-happy to say bye-bye to the single digits...but I must've blocked out the fact that we always enjoyed watching our girls and their birthday countdowns together. Keila's birthMONTH (one day just isn't enough! LoL), Jin's never ending wish list, and Baby's "princess mode" cuz a birthday means she's much more mature than the previous day. ;)
This "year of first's" without you seems to get worse as the days go by! One would think it would get a little easier, but that sure ain't happening. If it weren't for griefshare, I'd think I was going crazy! But I know that what I'm experiencing is OK. It's OK for me to get emotional when I drive past a Burger King because you LOVED them whoppers, hold the cheese! It's OK that the Magic Bullet infomercial made me cry because you LOVED using ours for everything! It's OK for me to get angry inside whenever I see a CHP car on the freeway! It's OK that I sat in the Borders parking lot in tears because there was a FedEx truck parked behind a Geek Squad car as the courier made a quick delivery. And it's OK for us to think you're messin with us because I was ready to give up trying to setup our wireless router after days of trying (Comcast was gonna charge a grip to come out and do it), then one day Keila tells me it's working?!?! Or how we couldn't figure out why there was no sound when we'd play a DVD, then all of the sudden Jin get's some sort of "geek-revelation" or something, messes with some wiring, and fixes it! I'm not exaggerating one bit when I say that you're on my mind ALL DAY!
Jin and I were reminiscing about how you and I would be hugging and when the girls would see us, they'd come charging at us trying to break us apart saying "MY momma!" and you just wouldn't let go and say "no, she's MINE!". Or how we'd give eachother a little smooch and if they happened to see, they'd get all OA and grossed out! ;) We'd always say "what? would you rather we fight all the time instead of being lovey-dovey all the time?" And of course, they'd joke about how they'd rather us fight all the time, and we'd say OH WELL!!! Hahahhaha
I miss your hugs so much! I miss how we'd stop in the middle of doing something just to say "I love you" at the most random times... and the times we'd be walking around the grocery store separately and you'd sneak up behind me and hold me and i'd say "sorry, i'm married", and you'd say "so?" LoL Even our phone conversations when we weren't together were still so sweet!
I'm so glad the girls got to witness what a loving, Christ-centered relationship is like, in us. I hear so many horror stories about young women who settle for mental/verbal/physical abuse from their men...I highly doubt our girls would put up with any of that! (i'll keep prayin on it though!)
Well, it's getting late so goodnight babee. Missing and loving you more and more...
December 13, 2010 at 3:11am
So, this morning started off w/ Keila and I doing laundry. We found a laundromat that you would've LOVED! Free Wi-Fi, plugs, tables and chairs, $3 regular-sized wash, and FREE DRY! It was like laundry-heaven for geeks!!! LoL Once we were done with the laundry, we got ready and headed to VBC for the Christmas Concert/Play. We brought cookies for Isa to share with the other kids for her b'day, and we got one of those huge balloons that play the happy b'day song when you hit it, kinda like the one we got for daddy on his bday in June:)
We got there early and I went up to the choir room to give a little token of our gratitude to the Worship Ministry for their continued prayers, support, and for blessing us with their music at your 11/10 viewing. As soon as I walked in, I felt an overwhelming sense of LOVE! Kind of how we talked about feeling when we attended the worship retreat last year...like family! I didn't cry (yet) though. I'll admit, I was a bit taken back by the memories of being in that very room with you for rehearsals, so I hope I didn't come across as a little "off", but I did give some hugs and kisses before Deb let me get on the mic. By the time I said my 3rd word, I was already in tears. Words cannot express how much Valley means to us! Lifelong friendships, Grace AND Truth teachings, it's where we first served together, and it's where we first experienced what the term "Church FAMILY" felt like! It was there that we met the Johnsons and followed God's leading to be a part of the Refuge Community Church launch team, where you poured your heart and soul into. Baby, I so greatly miss serving beside you.
Sister/Cuzin/Friend/Cumare Sue was in town with her family and came to watch with us. We didn't get to talk much, but the loving and encouraging words we did exchange were enough. I just love how we have that kind of friendship...we've known eachother since the 1st grade, never really "kicked it", but never needed to. We just kept in touch thru the years and now we're two women who love to serve and love the Lord! I/we really wish you got to meet her...but it's all good cuz she knows of your amazingness thru me:).
I cried a bit throughout the play, but not too much. There was a toy store scene this year that I'm pretty sure you woulda been in with Isa/Jin. There was no "tent snuggie" commercial this time around, but the new ones woulda had you laughing your booty off!!! The music was beautiful, and the girls were so cute! I looked up at the AV booth a couple of times and imagined you up there, or on camera somewhere.
Afterwards, we went to Mels Diner (Fentons in Vacaville was closed) to have a little family dinner for Isa's b'day. Can you believe she turned 10 at midnight?!?! Keila keeps talking about how you were called home right before Isa hit the double-digits, Jin became a teenager, and she turned 18. All significant b'days! I told her I'd kick your butt for her if I could;) LoL.
Anyways, Keila and I are gonna finish up the goodie-bags for Isa's classmates, then call it a night. We're hittin the gym again tomorrow to get sore again (oh fun!). I just wanna remind you that you're on my brain 24/7 and I love you more:)
We got there early and I went up to the choir room to give a little token of our gratitude to the Worship Ministry for their continued prayers, support, and for blessing us with their music at your 11/10 viewing. As soon as I walked in, I felt an overwhelming sense of LOVE! Kind of how we talked about feeling when we attended the worship retreat last year...like family! I didn't cry (yet) though. I'll admit, I was a bit taken back by the memories of being in that very room with you for rehearsals, so I hope I didn't come across as a little "off", but I did give some hugs and kisses before Deb let me get on the mic. By the time I said my 3rd word, I was already in tears. Words cannot express how much Valley means to us! Lifelong friendships, Grace AND Truth teachings, it's where we first served together, and it's where we first experienced what the term "Church FAMILY" felt like! It was there that we met the Johnsons and followed God's leading to be a part of the Refuge Community Church launch team, where you poured your heart and soul into. Baby, I so greatly miss serving beside you.
Sister/Cuzin/Friend/Cumare Sue was in town with her family and came to watch with us. We didn't get to talk much, but the loving and encouraging words we did exchange were enough. I just love how we have that kind of friendship...we've known eachother since the 1st grade, never really "kicked it", but never needed to. We just kept in touch thru the years and now we're two women who love to serve and love the Lord! I/we really wish you got to meet her...but it's all good cuz she knows of your amazingness thru me:).
I cried a bit throughout the play, but not too much. There was a toy store scene this year that I'm pretty sure you woulda been in with Isa/Jin. There was no "tent snuggie" commercial this time around, but the new ones woulda had you laughing your booty off!!! The music was beautiful, and the girls were so cute! I looked up at the AV booth a couple of times and imagined you up there, or on camera somewhere.
Afterwards, we went to Mels Diner (Fentons in Vacaville was closed) to have a little family dinner for Isa's b'day. Can you believe she turned 10 at midnight?!?! Keila keeps talking about how you were called home right before Isa hit the double-digits, Jin became a teenager, and she turned 18. All significant b'days! I told her I'd kick your butt for her if I could;) LoL.
Anyways, Keila and I are gonna finish up the goodie-bags for Isa's classmates, then call it a night. We're hittin the gym again tomorrow to get sore again (oh fun!). I just wanna remind you that you're on my brain 24/7 and I love you more:)
December 11, 2010 at 3:09pm
I came across this, and it brought me to tears...
By his family and closest friends, Mark will be remembered as being easy going, incredibly loving, extremely approachable, beyond supportive, fiercely loyal, a great listener, a faithful friend, and the one to go to for the best hugs!
Mark’s greatest testimony, however, will be as a husband and father. From a distance, Mark loved and admired Leila for many years. In God’s time, Mark not only became her faithful husband but also gladly and lovingly took on the role of father to Leila’s three daughters. He was their Papa. They were his girls. It was clear to everyone who knew him that it was his greatest priority and desire to lead, to protect, and to provide for Leila and his girls as best as he could.
I miss the security we felt when you were here. Even Keila mentioned the other day that even though we live in a much safer place now, she doesn't feel as safe as she would if you were here with us. We miss just having you with us everyday! Isa often says "I miss papa" out of the blue, and Jin will always reply "Who doesn't?".
Yesterday, Keila and I went to the gym for the first time since you and I last went together. I was thinking about how you'd be spotting me, but every 5 seconds you'd see someone you knew from back in the day and start choppin it up w/ them. Then you'd introduce him/her to me while i'm in the middle of a set w/ sweat drippin down my face, and i'd just smile and say "hi", meanwhile losing count, and you'd make me start over! Gosh, I miss you - my "personal trainer from hell"!!!! LoL
A couple weeks ago Isa received a package in the mail from her old school. Her entire class made her cards telling her how much they miss her. It was the sweetest thing ever! Her best friend Taylor wrote about how things haven't been the same since we moved and that she has no one to hang out with now that Isa moved. My heart dropped when I read that! It made me think about how so much has changed since you "moved".
As I wrote last night (super early this morning), dealing with the CHP about your death is lookin like it just ain't gonna be easy. But we know we must do what we can to make the CHP reconsider its current pursuit policy which unnecessarily puts members of the community at risk. You would not want this to happen to anyone else, if you could help it!
Man babe, that QUIET STRENGTH of yours is so painfully hard to duplicate in the midst of grief AND nonsense... It hurts me to think about what you're feeling as you look down watching all of this! Satan is having a field day now that you, a mighty warrior of Christ, has gone to heaven! But thanks to Biblical grief counseling, the guidance of many Godly men and women in our lives, the Bible, and your amazing legacy - we will get thru this! ...and justice will prevail!
Romans 12:17-21 (New American Standard Bible)
17 Never pay back evil for evil to anyone. Respect what is right in the sight of all men.
18 If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men.
19 Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written, "VENGEANCE IS MINE, I WILL REPAY," says the Lord.
20 "BUT IF YOUR ENEMY IS HUNGRY, FEED HIM, AND IF HE IS THIRSTY, GIVE HIM A DRINK; FOR IN SO DOING YOU WILL HEAP BURNING COALS ON HIS HEAD."
21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.
I miss your hugs and kisses...and I love you more;)
By his family and closest friends, Mark will be remembered as being easy going, incredibly loving, extremely approachable, beyond supportive, fiercely loyal, a great listener, a faithful friend, and the one to go to for the best hugs!
Mark’s greatest testimony, however, will be as a husband and father. From a distance, Mark loved and admired Leila for many years. In God’s time, Mark not only became her faithful husband but also gladly and lovingly took on the role of father to Leila’s three daughters. He was their Papa. They were his girls. It was clear to everyone who knew him that it was his greatest priority and desire to lead, to protect, and to provide for Leila and his girls as best as he could.
I miss the security we felt when you were here. Even Keila mentioned the other day that even though we live in a much safer place now, she doesn't feel as safe as she would if you were here with us. We miss just having you with us everyday! Isa often says "I miss papa" out of the blue, and Jin will always reply "Who doesn't?".
Yesterday, Keila and I went to the gym for the first time since you and I last went together. I was thinking about how you'd be spotting me, but every 5 seconds you'd see someone you knew from back in the day and start choppin it up w/ them. Then you'd introduce him/her to me while i'm in the middle of a set w/ sweat drippin down my face, and i'd just smile and say "hi", meanwhile losing count, and you'd make me start over! Gosh, I miss you - my "personal trainer from hell"!!!! LoL
A couple weeks ago Isa received a package in the mail from her old school. Her entire class made her cards telling her how much they miss her. It was the sweetest thing ever! Her best friend Taylor wrote about how things haven't been the same since we moved and that she has no one to hang out with now that Isa moved. My heart dropped when I read that! It made me think about how so much has changed since you "moved".
As I wrote last night (super early this morning), dealing with the CHP about your death is lookin like it just ain't gonna be easy. But we know we must do what we can to make the CHP reconsider its current pursuit policy which unnecessarily puts members of the community at risk. You would not want this to happen to anyone else, if you could help it!
Man babe, that QUIET STRENGTH of yours is so painfully hard to duplicate in the midst of grief AND nonsense... It hurts me to think about what you're feeling as you look down watching all of this! Satan is having a field day now that you, a mighty warrior of Christ, has gone to heaven! But thanks to Biblical grief counseling, the guidance of many Godly men and women in our lives, the Bible, and your amazing legacy - we will get thru this! ...and justice will prevail!
Romans 12:17-21 (New American Standard Bible)
17 Never pay back evil for evil to anyone. Respect what is right in the sight of all men.
18 If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men.
19 Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written, "VENGEANCE IS MINE, I WILL REPAY," says the Lord.
20 "BUT IF YOUR ENEMY IS HUNGRY, FEED HIM, AND IF HE IS THIRSTY, GIVE HIM A DRINK; FOR IN SO DOING YOU WILL HEAP BURNING COALS ON HIS HEAD."
21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.
I miss your hugs and kisses...and I love you more;)
December 11, 2010 at 12:30am
On August 27 at 9:24pm you wrote:
Then on the early morning of 11/04/2010, two CHP officers initiated a high-speed chase on I-580 in San Leandro. The chase continued for 7-8 miles because the CHP officers just HAD TO give the driver of the fleeing vehicle a speeding ticket! Then the chase continued onto the Oakland streets (AKA-OPD territory, NOT CHP territory) because the CHP officers just HAD TO give the that driver a speeding ticket! About a mile into Oakland, at the corner of MacArthur & 106th, is where the chase tragically ended and you took your last breath...but no one got a speeding ticket.
You know how much I can't stand feeling anger or hatred! I love to be happy and at peace! But baby, I am so ANGRY! No matter how much I try to block the pain of how you were so suddenly taken away...I just can't! We had to bury our 32-year old husband & papa because of a speeding ticket?!?! It makes NO sense at all!!! To top it off, it's well over a month since this happened and the CHP has NOTHING to say to explain how their pursuit policy served the public interest that night?!?! We had to play phone tag for weeks just to hear "my condolences" today...a month and a week later??? Seriously????
Babe - I know that you wouldn't want this to happen to anyone, ever again! Many parts of California don't even allow high-speed chases, and for good reason! No innocent man's life should be taken so tragically, and no family should have to suffer so harshly due to such a terrible injustice. So, just know that we love you...we miss you...and we'll do all that we can to see to it that this doesn't happen again!
I love you more... --------- Today is Friday, 5/9/2014. I just read that post again...it's been a while. It reminds me of where I was back then. Angry at the CHP because I "needed" someone to blame. I couldn't blame the 19 year old the cops were chasing because he lost his life too, and I "needed" something alive and that could listen to know how much they messed up! Thankfully, that phase didn't last long. I quickly came to realize the many ways God used that tragedy for HIS good and HIS glory.
Officially a Fire Fighter in training. With a Few issues I was trying to take care of, I thought I wasn't going to be able to start my Fire Fighter Classes until next semester. It's taken care of and now diving right into it. God is good and definitely answers my prayers....My comment:
He ain't joking!!!! Long story short...we made the tough decision to submit to the Lord's will last night (shouldn't have been so tough, but we're human!)...I spent hours upon hours in the Word today, while Mark was at work, and just a few hours ago The Lord totally came thru for us! I was laughing and crying at the same time!!!! Literally!!! I replayed in my head the way I've been studying "submission" and "waiting on the Lord" lately, then how we faced a tough situation which we prayed on and asked the Holy Spirit to guide our minds and thoughts and calm our hearts as we submit to His will...it was still hard for me today, so I stayed as close to Him as I possibly could thru scripture, nonstop worship music and books...and He soooooo came thru!!!!! (YES! That was my SHORT version!!!! LOL)I remember this day so clearly! You gave me the good news, and I sat across the desk from you laughing, and crying so hard! To see God's work in our lives after literally and willingly submiting to and waiting on the Lord in a situation that we were so badly tempted to give up is PRICELESS! So that was it! You started online courses to become a firefighter, and I was continuing my HIT courses. In 2-3 years, we were gonna be set!
Then on the early morning of 11/04/2010, two CHP officers initiated a high-speed chase on I-580 in San Leandro. The chase continued for 7-8 miles because the CHP officers just HAD TO give the driver of the fleeing vehicle a speeding ticket! Then the chase continued onto the Oakland streets (AKA-OPD territory, NOT CHP territory) because the CHP officers just HAD TO give the that driver a speeding ticket! About a mile into Oakland, at the corner of MacArthur & 106th, is where the chase tragically ended and you took your last breath...but no one got a speeding ticket.
You know how much I can't stand feeling anger or hatred! I love to be happy and at peace! But baby, I am so ANGRY! No matter how much I try to block the pain of how you were so suddenly taken away...I just can't! We had to bury our 32-year old husband & papa because of a speeding ticket?!?! It makes NO sense at all!!! To top it off, it's well over a month since this happened and the CHP has NOTHING to say to explain how their pursuit policy served the public interest that night?!?! We had to play phone tag for weeks just to hear "my condolences" today...a month and a week later??? Seriously????
Babe - I know that you wouldn't want this to happen to anyone, ever again! Many parts of California don't even allow high-speed chases, and for good reason! No innocent man's life should be taken so tragically, and no family should have to suffer so harshly due to such a terrible injustice. So, just know that we love you...we miss you...and we'll do all that we can to see to it that this doesn't happen again!
I love you more... --------- Today is Friday, 5/9/2014. I just read that post again...it's been a while. It reminds me of where I was back then. Angry at the CHP because I "needed" someone to blame. I couldn't blame the 19 year old the cops were chasing because he lost his life too, and I "needed" something alive and that could listen to know how much they messed up! Thankfully, that phase didn't last long. I quickly came to realize the many ways God used that tragedy for HIS good and HIS glory.
11.04.2010-12.10.2010 (Facebook Posts)
(12.10.2010)
A week or so ago, I had written about how I read every single post on your FB wall since January! Well, to be completely honest, I've done that almost everyday. Going back and reading everything is as therapeutic to me as writing to you myself!
Well, one thing I didn't realize was how many loved ones posted on MY wall since 11.04.2010!!! So, I went back and read thru all the love, prayers, support and memories many people shared throughout our grief. I must say-I'm TOTALLY feelin the LOVE!!!! So, THANK YOU to everyone who has taken the time to bless me and the girls since day one! We love you all and thank God for having you in our lives!!!
My last post was a "note" as opposed to the usual wall post I'd write on your wall. My writing was getting longer each day, it seemed, and it just made more sense to do it this way:). I get messages all day everyday from people all over who are finding comfort in my thoughts. Who'd a thought?!?! ;) So, as I was reading thru my wall today, I copied and pasted my thoughts from 11.04.2010 thru 12.08.2010 below for those who asked:). *** May reading them bless you as much as writing them has blessed me!***
Missing and loving you more and more each day, my Matthew...
November 4 at 11:01pm
Thank you all for your prayers and support during these difficult times. If you know me, you know how deeply in LOVE I have always been with my husband, and while the LOVE will remain the same forever, I will forever long for his companionship. Our love was rare and I'm eternally grateful for the opportunity to have been blessed with Mark Aragon. Till I see you again baby...I LOVE YOU MORE!
November 5 at 11:47am
Its not supposed to be this way! I'm the one with the health issues and you were my personal-trainer-from-hell! Helping me to get healthy so I can give you a son...our own Nathaniel! You said you'd never leave me...I shouldn't have woken you up that morning to go to work. And how I wish I slept in the room with you that night...I know you need me to make sure you get up on time, but still, last night was horrible! I wanted your arms around me after you tucked me in like you always did. Till later...Baby,I LOVE YOU MORE!
November 5 at 12:07pm
I want my husband. I want to hold him & just sit & stare into his beautiful eyes. I should NOT be at a funeral home making arrangements!
November 6 at 8:32am
Baby, I wish I could just press rewind and NOT let you leave for work that night! It makes complete sense that our Heavenly Father wanted to bless you by wrapping His Heavenly arms around you. I know how much you're loving it right now! To be in His presence...OH, what a PRAISE party you're havin! It sounds crazy, but I'm so glad you're there and I'm here because this pain is so great and I cant begin to imagine you going through this roller coaster. We'll get thru...I know we will. We have the best possible angel watching over us! Just try not to look at me for a while because I know how much you'd hate to see how I'm dealing. I'm getting better baby, you'll see. I love you more...
November 7 at 1:36am
Hey baby, I'm bout to get ready for bed now. What a long day (again)! It was so hard for me to see you today but you look so peaceful. Luckily my family was with me cuz otherwise, I woulda dragged your butt to the car and brought you home with me! j/k But seriously though, I wanted so bad to jump up on the table and spoon:)
I laughed and smiled much more today than yesterday and the day before! Isa, Jin, Lala and I are surrounded by so much love and support. FB messages are overflowing with memories of how much you impacted hundreds of lives! People I've never met are even contacting me tell me how they feel they know me and the girls just thru you! I'ts such an amazing feeling to know how much YOU LOVE US! Not that I doubted it... anyways, I could go on forever, but I gotta get some sleep. Goodnight my love. I love you more!
November 7 at 11:52pm
Hello my love:) I wanted to go to RCC this morning...they've been praying and supporting us since the day you were called home, but memories of serving there were flooding my mind and my emotions kept me from going. As soon as I'd walk in, it just wouldn't be the same because you weren't there! I did go to VBC with the girls, my sisters and the Matsu's, which was still hard, but not as hard as I think it would've been at RCC. We've been looking thru pictures and sharing memories of you, and i've been crying and laughing all day (more laughing than crying). I just want to show you that i'm getting better each day. I'll never let go, but i'll be ok. Goodnight sweetheart...I love you more!
November 8 at 10:05pm
Hey baby, Nic brought me to see our new home today and I just kept thinking about last weekend when you went there to pick up the fridge and came home talking about how much you thought it would be a perfect 1st home for us. I saw the area you mentioned I could plant our veggies and herbs...and the walk-in pantry you knew i'd love:). It's gonna be so hard being there without you. So much is happening so fast! Please help me tomorrow when I see your beautiful face again. I might try to pry your gorgeous eyes open just so I can look into those beautiful hazels again;). Oh, boy...imma miss grossing people out w/ our public displays of affection! hahaha Well, I better get some rest. I miss you much and I love you more babe.
November 9 at 10:51am
Hey my love. When I walked into the family room this morning and saw your handsome face in all the pictures, I couldn't help but cry like a baby. I know you hate it when I cry, but you'll just have to get used to it for a bit. I want so badly NOT to have to go today because if I do, I'll have to accept that this is all really happening! Even though I saw you Saturday, I still can't believe it! Today will be especially hard for the girls because they'll be seeing their papa for the first time since you said 'goodnight' to them Wednesday night. Baby, I'll try my best to be strong for them. I miss you so much, it hurts...and I love you more.
November 8 at 11:31pm
Spoken by Mark Aragon's amazing friend, Sheila: "I know one thing, he loves his family. Everytime we talked he would talk about how in love he is with Leila and his daughters. Oh, and please dont make the mistake of calling his girls "stepdaughters" or that he is a "stepdad" to them, he will put you in check!"
November 9 at 10:34pm
Whatta day, my love! Hundreds of people came out to pay their respects today, and we honored you with an amazing memorial service. Hearing our girls weap so intensly for their papa was so sad, but so expected because you were everything to us! I'm exhausted, so I'm gonna try my best to fall asleep in a bit. We have another day to make it thru...goodnight you fine-thang:) I love you more...
November 11 at 1:19am
A week ago, right about now, I was chatting with you about the next days plans as you were getting ready for work. Now, i'm sitting here amazed that my love could possibly grow deeper for you over this past week even though you aren't here. Last night, over 300 friends and family members came to see you! And tonight was a record-breaking night for the chapel! I got to meet so many of the people you've told me about over the years, and many others who had new stories to share with me. Tomorrow's the day we lay your earthly body to rest, but your legacy will continue thru the girls and I. Thank you for being such a Godly man, loyal friend, loving husband and papa. Until I see you again, I love you more!
November 12 at 9:00am
WOW, my love! I remember how you always had a story or memory to share...it was like you were trying to get me to know as much as possible about you in the short time we had. Now I can put faces to many of those stories, and it's such an awesome feeling. My goodness babe! Over 1000 people showed up for YOU! The guest book was filled to the max so people were signing the cover! "Miss Shirley" did a beautiful job singing Amazing Grace, like I know you'd want. I felt so honered when Pastor Ron reflected on the Godly man you had become...the man that the girls and I were privelaged beyond measure to have in our lives. I kept repeating "quiet strength" to myself throughout the week, but now that everythings over I think it's all REALLY starting to come out. I'll see you later baby. I think I'll bring you an "oakland burrito"! I love you more...
November 13 at 2:16am
Oooooh Baby...I need a bigger dose of that Quiet Strength you lent me over the past week! (You know my heart-no need to explain it all.) Anyways, I went to the site where you took your last breath. Part of me wishes I didn't go, but I guess I had to. I am hurting so much! I'm reminded of you all day long! YOU blessed the food before we ate; YOU tucked me in at night; YOU opened doors for me and pulled my chair out; YOU saw to it that your girls were always safe and happy; YOU loved us like none other and made it so easy to love right back; and on and on and on. Your handsome face is embedded in my mind and I see you even with my eyes closed. I pray that I can hurry up and get past the hurt and that the girls can too, but even more than that, I pray that YOUR testimony shared by Pastor Ron grabbed hold of every heart in that church yesterday. After all, that's what YOU desired to do. Anyhoo - I'll talk to you later booboose...I love you more!
November 14 at 5:39pm
Yo, babe! Keila, Adrian, Doris, Dana & Tim got baptized today:) The ceremony was BEAUTIFUL...and your presence was totally there! You would've been so proud of your Lala. After the ceremony, we went to visit you and the view was as breathtaking as it was the day we put your earthly body to rest! Seriously! It's been warm and gorgeous in NOVEMBER! Well, we're about to head to our new home in Sac now. As soon as I get my cable/internet hooked up again, I'm hoping to begin replying to the million messages of love and condolences i've received. So, goodnight for now mahal...and until you can prove me wrong, I LOVE YOU MORE!
November 13 at 9:39pm
...missin my baby...
November 14 at 10:01pm
Its so hard to be happy about our new home... Its beautiful and safe, but missing my man:(.
November 14 at 11:46pm
Lord God, teach me to embrace my grief and not fight it, so that I may experience the true healing that comes from You. Amen.
November 15 at 8:27am
I miss how u'd nvr leave home w/o kissing/hugging me, & telling me u luv me... This gives a whole new meaning to loving so much, it hurts...
November 16 at 5:29pm
So baby, I ordered your grave stone today.. It was harder than I thought, but I didn't cry:). It's basically gonna say what the shirts say, along with your favorite verse (Philippians 1:21). I was struggling at first because it would be way to much to describe all that you are, so it simply says "Beloved Man of God" under your name. Can you imagine "Beloved son, brother, husband, papa, cousin, uncle, nephew, friend, coworker, etc...?" LoL It would've gone on forever!
Then we went to Ly Luck restaurant (for the 3rd time since the 5th!). I never went there with you, but I remember you and Alana talking about how yummy it was, so we went. You were right - that place is yummy! I was pretty proud of myself for keeping myself composedn UNTIL we got on the freeway and headed out of Oakland. Then the memories of that drive we often took started flooding my brain and I started to cry. This is just the beginning babe, so bear with me. This is gonna be a year of "firsts" without you by my side, so you're gonna have to get used to me crying. But on the flip-side, I've got peace because of the amazing man you were, so I'm not gonna end up in a looney-house:)! (Thanks for that!) I love you more...
November 16 at 11:03pm
So, it was the girls 1st day at new schools and Isa gets 6 pages of MATH homework! Guess who always helped the girls w/ MATH?!?! :(
November 17 at 11:56am
Quiet Strength...
November 18 at 7:23am
Its been an eventful 2 weeks, and its still so unreal! The girls and I spent a couple hours on our own yesterday and ran errands in Elk Grove. It was wierd to not hold your hand in the car or have you put your arm around me as we walked around Walmart. It was so awkward to get a table for 4 instead of 5 at the restaurant, and not have you give thanks and bless our dinners (although, Isa did well!).
We didn't spend much time in the Sacramento area together, but we're still reminded of you wherever we go! FedEx trucks; husbands/wives and papa's/kids walking around holding hands; bookstores we practically lived at; Best Buy's; churches, etc! You are everywhere! And not in a freaky, paranormal way...in a comforting and "We'll miss you forever" kinda way. And while I'll miss our play-fights over who loves who "more", or ask "what's your name again" because we always called eachother baby, love, booboose, or dude...its nice to have the last say! LoL. I love you more baby!
November 19 at 8:47am
"Knowing the Lord and His comfort does not take away the ache; instead, it supports you in the middle of the ache. Until I get home to heaven, there's going to be an ache that won't quit. The grieving process for me is not so much a matter of getting rid of the pain, but not being controlled by the pain." (Dr. Larry Crabb) "Be merciful to me, LORD, for I am faint; O LORD, heal me, for my bones are in agony. My soul is in anguish. How long, O LORD, how long? Turn, O LORD, and deliver me; save me because of your unfailing love" (Psalm 6:2-4)
November 20 at 3:32pm
Borders Bookstore- Browsing thru the Christian Living section was always our first stop. You usually grabbed a couple books before sitting in the cafe, but in the recent weeks you'd go straight for "Twelve Ordinary Men" by John MacArthur. I saw that book today and teared-up knowing you were so close to finishing it before you were called home. I grabbed a bunch of books and sat in the cafe. Normally, I'd look to you and ask "fruity or not?", meaning strawberry fruitkula or javanilla shake? Those were the only drinks you'd ever get there.
For the first time ever, I didn't get anything at all. I just sat at the table with Keila and started looking thru the books. I finally decided on "When the Hurt Runs Deep" by Kay Arthur, then we paid for it and left. I'm pretty sure that was the least amount of time I have ever stayed at a bookstore! Ever! I'll miss how we'd spend hours there using up the free wi-fi, reading books (and taking notes). You'd always come prepared with an extension cord thingy w/ the extra outlets so no matter where'd we sit, we'd be able to plug in our laptops. Gosh I miss you so much, it hurts...and till you can say otherwise, I love you more! :)
November 21 at 6:50am
I woke up at 4:15'ish this morning thinking about a particular day when you had gotten ready for work and came out to the kitchen for breakfast. I was up studying all night and at that moment I was in the middle of an online exam. Right after you gave me a good-morning kiss, I was immediately taken-back by your scent! I asked, "dang baby, whatchu got on?". You said (in a smooth tone) "naw baby, its all me!". I immediately got up (we were both giggling) and just wrapped my arms around you and just started breathing you in. We just stood there in silence for about a minute with our arms around eachother. Next thing you know, I remembered the timed exam I was taking and got right back to it, and you got back to your usual protein-shake-breakfast. It wasn't till later that I realized you started wearing Axe body spray and deodorant. LoL Those commercials don't lie! Its memories like this that come to mind 24/7! Part of me thinks it sucks because it makes me miss you so much more, but at the same time I'm so glad to have so many shared moments like these to hold close till I see you again. Love you more my honey bunches of oats!
November 21 at 3:15pm
Love, by Musiq Soulchild...Remembering the times we'd replace the word "Love" w/ "Lord" & it made so much sense! Then you found the remake and got bummed cuz you thought you realized it first! LoL I hope your not mad that I'm sittin here, home alone, listening to the slow jam playlist we used to listen to all the time. So many songs that bring me back to March 11, 2004 when we met on Myspace:)!
We became the best of friends within weeks of aol chats, texts and talkin on the phone for hours (I couldn't stand your Metro PCS phone and its million dropped calls!). We were FAMILY within months! I remember being so scared to meet you in person because I was so self-conscious, and your fine-self could get anyone you wanted...but the day we finally met in person you took my face in your hands and said "so you're my soul mate"! Way before we were even a couple!
And your feelings never wavered even when we were 400 miles apart! No matter how undeserving I felt and tried to get you to get you to go out there and find someone worthy of your love. Little did I know, at the time, that GOD CREATED YOU FOR ME AND ME FOR YOU! Our entire history was carefully orchestrated so I could find that quote on your Myspace page that would make me wanna comment on it!
Almost forgot...I love you MORE:)!
November 21 at 3:21pm
"Thank You" by Ashanti-my heart sings this song to my baby everyday...
November 22 at 9:32am
For the life of me, I just couldn't see the arrow in the FedEx logo! But you still wouldn't point it out to me...for days! Finally, you felt bad that I was so frustrated and said "look between the E and the X"! Duh?!? Why didn't I see that?!? LoL Then you said, "do you see the heart?". I'll admit I thought about it for a bit, but I didn't fall for it for that long! :)
Missing you like crazy, and loving you more each day...
November 23 at 8:21am
Fall 2004 to 2005: You couldn't stand that I had to work 2 full time jobs and be away from the girls in order to get established in Orange County. And you'd tell me so everytime you gave me my wakeup calls! But you respected that I did what I had to so the girls and I could live in the amazing area we ended up (Aliso Viejo). It was so hard to stick to a strict schedule because I wanted to talk to you all the time! I felt like a teenager:).
My workday started at 11pm; naptime from 7:15 till 8; talk to you till 8:30 as I drove to job #2 (you'd already be at FedEx, San Jose, getting ready for your route-thank God ear pieces were already invented! LoL); regular chats during breaks and lunch; home by 5:30 where we'd play the "no, YOU hang up first" game; sleep till your 10pm wakeup call; you'd say "good morning", I'd say "good night"; then repeat!
I finally saved up enough to get into the City Lights Apartments in Aliso Viejo, and the girls came home. I don't remember the exact moment you told me you were transferring to SoCal to live in LA w/ family and work at the FedEx in Irvine. All I do remember was feeling so amazingly loved that you wanted to, let alone, it was actually gonna happen! By the time you made the move, I had found the perfect job that allowed me to work only one job. Irvine was so close to us, so you'd hang out w/ me and the girls after work. Before heading back to LA, you'd check all the doors and windows to make sure we were safe. I remember when my mom came to visit and witnessed that...she loved you ever since! But, of course, I love you MORE:)!
November 23 at 4:29pm
1st Grief Share mtg 2nite in Elk Grove. Topic:Surviving the Holidays - I know I need & should go, but denial is so much easier:(. #justsayin
November 24 at 12:53pm
Random memory: Mark's Starbucks fave's were- Venti-upside-down-caramel-macchiato; or a Venti-strawberry-lemonade-smoothie!
These thoughts just keep on coming... :)
November 24 at 9:52pm
Oh husband...tomorrow's Thanksgiving and as I shared in the GriefShare meeting last night, i'm so scared! Everyday has been an emotional roller coaster, but I'm not sure what to expect on Thanksgiving and Christmas! I can't say it enough...I MISS YOU SO MUCH! I've always loved you, but i've NEVER had to miss you this much because the day after you went home to be with the Lord was the first day since March 11, 2004 that I didn't get to hear your soothing, loving voice at least once. Missing you is the toughest thing i've ever had to do, and it's just the beginning. I know i'll NEVER "get over" you, so I pray all day, everyday, for the strength and courage to keep on keepin on. You are the best thing that ever happened to the girls and I, and because of that - WE love you more...
November 25 at 7:10pm
I have an abundance of things to be thankful for today, but God blessing the girls and I with YOU is the biggest blessing of all! I started off this morning with every intention of making it thru our usual Thanksgiving gathering at my parents house in Vallejo, but as soon as I made my rounds saying "hello" to everyone I headed straight to "our room" and stayed there all day. I started thinking of all the Sundays we'd visit my parents after church...have lunch with them...watch you and daddy sit together talking about scripture or whatever bible study books you were studying, while I would work on homework in the dining room...then we'd take a nap in (what we called) "our room" while the girls spent time with their Lolo and Lola.
Tears still fall when mama and daddy talk about "sweet Mark". The rest of my family is now able to really start the grieving process as well now that all the memorial planning and our move to Sacramento is done. Ate Sette and Ate Lane attended the Grief Share meeting with me (even bought books for themselves:)), and the rest of the fam seems to wanna attend too after hearing about it! This Thanksgiving was all about YOU, as many of us wore your tribute t-shirts. YOU baby!
I read thru every single wall post on your page since 11/4. I wish I could respond to every single one, but reading them alone was so emotional. I tried to "like" each one after reading it, but I just noticed that not all the "likes" actually went thru...probably a computer glich?!? What do you think, geek squad? LoL Ha! I wish you could tell me:)
Anyways, ONE of the many obvious things that came out of what everyone had to say about you is how much you love me and the girls. One coworker (who I never had the privlage to meet) wrote about how your face would light up when you'd speak of us! What an honor! You loved and cherished us till your last breath here on earth and I THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart! Missing you like crazy and loving you more each day-your baby, lei
November 26 at 5:26pm
"Grief is not an enemy or a sign of weakness. It is a sign of being human. GRIEF IS THE COST OF LOVING SOMEONE." (Through a Season of Grief)
November 26 at 6:06pm
Anne Graham Lotz defines hope: "Biblical hope is absolute confidence in something you haven't seen or received yet, but you're absolutely confident that whatever God has said is going to come to pass. Jesus is your hope for the future. One day Jesus Christ will come back, and He will set all of the wrong right. Good will triumph over the bad. Love will triumph over hate. Righteousness will triumph over evil. He's going to make it all right, and you can have absolute confidence that that's going to take place. That's your HOPE."
I just read that in my Grief Share book (Through a Season of Grief), and it made me think of you. You, my love, lived your life with an amazing faith and hope in God! You showed this in good times and even in times of trials and pursecution. You taught the girls and I about your quiet strength and that it wasn't weakness, it was Christ-like humility. We are so privelaged to have spent your final years growing in Christ with you and promise you that the growth will not stop there! I love you more my super-hot-geeky-fedex man...:)
November 27 at 11:56am
SoCal-2005 to 2008: Keila and I were reminiscing about your old blue Honda CRX. We all used to crack-up at your "Flinstone mobile"! You'd always try to park at the top level of our parking garage because it was at the top of a steep-enough incline that would allow you to run-push-start your car because it had starter issues. You'd push the car out of the parking space, you'd run to the drivers seat, use your left foot to give it a lil more push, then turn the key and be on your way:) LoL One time, you yelled out of the car "Scooby-dooby-doo" after getting it started, then you called me a couple minutes later and said "Oops-wrong cartoon...I meant Yabba-dabba-doo!":) We laughed for days, and your CRX was officially dubbed the Flinstone mobile...
One of the many other SoCal memories I hold close are the many bbq's we had at our condo! We constantly had friends over at the pool! You'd man the grill, cookin up my secret marinated chicken and veggies, corn on the cob, carne asada, ribs, and sometimes oysters! You and the guys would sneak-up on people and throw 'em in the pool...we ladies would sit at the table videotaping, chatting, and sippin on margaritas or our fruity smirnoff's. 4th of July was amazing cuz we didn't have to go anywhere to watch fireworks. We just chilled by the pool:) We used to get a kick outta grossing Walter out with our mushy comments towards eachother and PDA;). Ahhh, the memories...
Gosh, babe. ALL DAY LONG memories come at me like little commercials. Even storires you'd share from before we met come up at times! Luckily, all the memories make me smile and if I cry, they're tears of joy. I thank God everyday that we had such a "wierd" relationship...never argued, and seldom disagreed without agreeing to disagree. No wonder people often told us they wished they had what you and I had:). True unconditional LOVE. Loving you more each day...your baby-girl.
November 28 at 10:57pm
So, baby-as I was going through our slow jam playlist, I found the very first song I sang to you (in person - not over the phone! LoL). I listened to it about nine hundred forty eight thousand times, thinking that I could listen to it once without crying...but I was kidding myself! The lyrics are so on point still, just as they were back then. So, from the bottom of my heart, here is my song to you baby:
Darlin' I want you to listen
I stayed up all night, so I could get this thing right
And I don't think there's anything missin'
Cause a person like you, made it easy to do
I've waited for so long, to sing to you this song
Cause your eyes are the windows to heaven
Your smile could heal a million souls
Your love completes my existence
You're the other half that makes me whole
You're the only other half that makes me whole
I think the angels are your brothers
They told you about me, said "you're just what she needs"
And I find myself thanking your mother
For giving birth to a saint
My spirit flies when I say your name
If there's one thing that's true
It's that I was born to love you
Cause your eyes are the windows to heaven
Your smile could heal a million souls
Your love completes my existence
You're the other half that makes me whole
You're the only other half that makes me whole
You make my dreams
Come true over and, over again
And I honestly truly believe
You and me are written in the stars
I live my whole life through
Giving thanks to you
Cause your eyes are the windows to heaven
Your smile could heal a million souls
Your love completes my existence
You're the other half that makes me whole
You're the only other half that makes me whole
Loving you more and more and more each day, my love...14344342!
November 28 at 11:18pm
Operation "Get thru Thanksgiving weekend" COMPLETE! It hurt, but we got thru it thanks to the AMAZING family God blessed us with☺! ♥ijkl<3M♥ November 29 at 11:01pm
We brought our tradition of endless bbq's w/ friends in SoCal to the Bay w/ us:). I think we started calling it Club Aragon after BIANCA taught us how to "dance in Oakland" that one crazy night of "scary-oke". JiJi just would not put the mic down, and then GIE almost broke our bathroom door cuz (someone) locked herself in the bathroom!!! You, of course, captured every moment on video:)!
Or how about our typical Club Aragon 4th of July? We're all chillin playing dominoes while bbq'in and jammin to old school jams when out of no where we hear POP-POp-Pop-pop all down our street. After a brief silence, someone acknowledges that it was a driveby, then one second later someone yells "who's turn is it?" and we all get right back to our game like nothing ever happened:)! LoL
And who can forget that night when we were all chillin in the backyard and all of the sudden, we hear yelling nearby. You turned off all the lights and we sat there in the dark listening to this couple fighting as they walked up and down Brookdale, then back and forth on Coolidge. Screaming at eachother and crying, while their friends were crackin up! Oh the DRAMA!
Then Fall came...school was back in session, but Club Aragon was still in effect! Winter came...and being the "Inspector Gadget / Mcguyver" you are, you setup the tent to block the wind and kept the grill going for the heat! There was no stopping Club Aragon from happening! LoL
Man-oh-man! I'm gonna miss all the FUN we had! Not to say I won't ever have fun again, but fun just isn't the same without YOU baby! I miss your laugh! The way you'd wrinkle your nose and make that cutesy-rattle sound. And that amazing smile that was so contagious! I'll forever crave those times when we'd laugh so hard that the sounds of our laughs made us laugh even harder until it started to hurt!! We were always so happy together! Although you're gone from this imperfect world my love, the abundance of memories will never die. I miss you, and I love you more...
November 29 at 11:12pm
God takes you as you are. He accepts you, & then His love changes you. You are never beyond hope. Never. (CMorgan,Through a Season of Grief"
November 30 at 10:38pm
2/17/07: I took on a temp graveyard shift because the lab asked for help, so after a long day of work on the 16th, followed by a 6 hour graveyard shift doing data entry, I came home to a candle-lit dining room covered in rose petals, 2 dozen red roses in a beautiful vase, balloons and Gato Barbieri's smooth saxaphone playing on the stereo. Isa & Jin were away for the weekend, and you and Lala managed to keep your plans a suprise! Lala helped w/ the decorations, while you cooked-up a delicious white clam sauce over fettucine and veggies. The 3 of us talked and ate our 'dinner for breakfast', you and I slow danced while Lala cleared the table, then both of you tucked me in to sleep.
Thinking of that day, and the other days like it, make me so happy! We were such a happy couple because both of us shared the same primary "love language"...QUALITY TIME! Our happiness wasn't dependent on where we were, what we owned, or how much $ we had - in fact, we never did have much. But the quality time we spent both as a couple AND also as a family is what kept our love growing strong everyday! The appreciation, respect and loyalty we have for one another are additional benefits that make it so easy to love eachother while here on earth, and the memories of the times we shared will keep you alive in my mind and heart until we meet again! Like I tweeted on Valentines Day 2010 "I LoVe that I'm so in LoVe" ...with a man so in love with me.
14344342! ♥ijkl<3M♥ December 1 at 12:19am
"My life was totally flipped upside down emotionally, in every way you could think of" (Through a Season of Grief)
Thank God for Matthew 5:4!
December 1 at 9:09pm
Its often said that bad things are more memorable than good things. So, I am so happy to say that we have it made! I was on a mission tooday to come up with as many "bad" moments we had. Call me crazy, but all the lovey-dovey, mushy stuff I keep thinking and writing about have begun to make me think our entire relationship was just a dream! Possibly too good to be true?!?
So, I came up with quite a few things.
1-you never could just choose a restaurant! It always had to be me and the girls who would have to vote on where to eat, no matter how many times we'd say its up to you cuz you were the only boy!
2-you were the only guy in a house full of ladies, but you'd never fess up to keeping the toilet seat up!
3-you'd always forget to spray the bathroom after blowing it up!
4-you could NEVER stop and ask for directions no matter how badly lost we were !
5-your high-pitched whistle that sounded like nails to a chalkboard
The list goes on, but as you can see, they're pretty minor things that I'd happily deal with for the rest of my life if only I could have you back!
We've had our fair share of differences of opinion, but we respected eachother and just agreed to disagree! My goodness my love! I can't think of one "bad" fight or argument! I LOVE it! But, I love you more!
December 2 at 8:14am
A life-lesson learned from my amazing husband:
"Know who's word to trust, and know who to pray for after letting them talk..."Quiet Strength”
December 2 at 10:37pm
My life got flipped-turned-upside-down four weeks ago, early in the morning on November 4, 2010. I still remember waking you up for work...you downing your Strawberry Muscle Milk shake w/ frozen strawberries...sitting on the couch talking about our plans for the next few days...you tucking me in on the couch where I was catching up on all the DVR'd shows...you kissing me goodbye and telling me you love me...me saying my usual "I Love You MORE"...then for the first time ever, you said "no, I Love You MORE" then closed the door fast so I didn't have a chance to reply. I remember thinking "oh nu-uh!" and was gonna run out to you to set you straight, but you had tucked me in so comfy... Dang, I wish I did now:(.
I got a package from FedEx with a bunch of cards from fellow coworkers at each of the stations you worked at. It was such a blessing to read the messages and comments they wrote about you. Especially today! Your supervisor noted that in the short time he worked with you, "the biggest thing that always stood out was his dedication to his family. I had no idea his daughters were 'step' until after his death. He always spoke with such dedication, pride and passion about all of you...he was always saying 'I'm gonna do this with MY dayghter', or 'MY wife' with such conviction." Your boss even mentioned that he even tried to correct his boss after saying 'step daughters' cuz you had him so convinced:). Now that's LOVE! Baby, I'm sooo understanding now why you took so much pride in FedEx! They treated you like family and it shows! I'm gonna look up some job openings at the local FedEx. I'm pretty sure I'd love working there as much as you did!
I also spent a lot of time today reading thru your 2010 facebook comments and status'. On my birthday this year, you posted the following on my wall:
"Happy 21st Birthday Babee... 'For we are God's masterpiece. He has created us anew in Chri...st Jesus, so we can do the good things He planned for us long ago.' (Ephesians 2:10) - You are definately God's Masterpiece. You touch so many lives, including mine, for the better. I Love you."
I was telling people it was my 23rd, but you took it 2 steps further and made me 21! :) My comment to your post:
"Have I ever told you how amazing you are? I just LOVE loving you:)!"
And I soooooo do, baby! I LOVE loving you! Every minute of every day, loving you MORE!
December 3 at 11:16pm
On August 28 at 7:24pm, you posted as your status:
"At Loard's Ice Cream in Alameda with my wifey and girls."
I found the picture you took of our ice cream cups:) Keila wasn't with us that night, so we sent her the picture to make her jealous! LoL
I miss our family trips to the Southshore Plaza in Alameda! Loards, Jamba Juice, Panera, 24 Fit Lite, BORDERS, oh my!:) The girls and I went to Borders, Elk Grove w/ the Garza's on Tuesday and had a great time, but it felt so wierd to be there without you:(
On August 28 at 9:07pm, you posted as your status:
"Satan may try to convince us our shortcomings render us useless to God. The 12 ORDINARY men Christ appointed as apostles were used to establish the church. They were considered unworthy but... turned the world upside down because GOD worked in them to do it. We are all unworthy, but GOD transforms us to be worthy. Nothing we can do ourselves can make us worthy."
After getting ice cream at Loards, we headed to Borders. You started reading the book 12 Ordinary Men, by John MacArthur, and you couldn't put it down! I wanted to buy it for you, but you hadn't finished another book you were reading and said that you'd just read it whenever we were at the bookstore instead. You were just about a chapter away from finishing before you went to actually meet the very men you were reading about! What an amazing thing! I think I'm gonna get the book myself and read it just so I can feel even closer to you. I'm an unworthy, imperfect woman who's ready to let God use me to make a Mark-size IMPACT on this world! Watch out! LoL
As I was doing a little unpacking in the garage tonight, I found a bunch of mushy-lovey-dovey cards we've given eachother over the years. One that really stood out to me said:
"Time has been good to us. It's deepened our love, strengthend ou...r friendship, and made me very sure that I could never feel this close, this much in love, with anyone else. We've learned to overlook or even laugh about little problems and not turn them into bigger ones. And when real trials have come along, we've learned the true value of having a loving friend and partner to share them with. Time has been good to us. We still look at eachother with love, and that makes life beautiful. Love has been good to us. And especially on our anniversary, I want to thank you with all my heart for sharing your life and your love with me. (Alarie Tennille)
I love you more...
December 3 at 11:40pm
QUIET STRENGTH = "Know who's word to trust, and know who to pray for after letting them talk..." (Life lessons of Mark Aragon) Love God, Love People! God is good ALL THE TIME! Love the sinner, HATE the sin!
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will; That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him Forever in the next. Amen.
December 5 at 12:56am
It's been a month...Reality is setting in...I'm beginning to accept the fact that you're gone...
I went to a GriefShare meeting with Atch this morning. It was an emotional couple of hours. Atch cried, I cried, others cried as we told your story and spoke of you.
Keila went to a winter ball w/ Gabbi, Jared and friends. The last time she went to a formal was the Bishop O'dowd junior prom earlier this year. You and I brought her to Joaquin Miller park to take pictures with the rest of their crew. I'm soooooo glad I took that picture of you and Keila! It'll definately be a keepsake she'll hold close forever.
Isa & Jin went were in the VBC Christmas Concert/Play tonight. Deb found costumes for them last minute, and they were so excited to be part of the play again! Last year, we were all part it. I remember how hectic it was for us driving back and forth to Hercules from Oakland for rehearsals...and the girls were also in the childrens choir concert! But as hectic as it was, we LOVED every moment of it! I was in the choir, the girls were in the play, and you were up in the A/V booth doin your thang! Oh, the memories...
Today was really hard for me. I couldn't be there to see Keila off because I didn't want to ruin her night. My mind was just not there. I couldn't even keep myself together as I was driving her to Fairfield. Atch and David took pictures though.
As for the Christmas Concert - I couldn't imagine sitting there, alone. I'd be a mess at such a joyous event! There are 3 more to go, so I'm planning on attending the last one, next Sunday. I'll have my sistas to sit with.
You know, baby - one thing I learned in the meeting this morning is that my tears honor YOU! They're not a sign of weakness or something that I should hold back! They represent my love for YOU!
I miss you so much it hurts, and I love you MORE!
December 5 at 11:21pm
On August 11 at 3:19pm, you posted:
"God, direct me towards mentorship. Give me discernment as I weigh choices in my life. I pray for Your leading so I can read words written by Men of God, listen to the lessons and emulate those that live righteous and Holy. I long to be the man you created me to be."
I remember reading this and feeling so blessed and thankful to God for His favor over us! A couple minutes later, I commented:
"I'm so lucky you're so in love w/ me:)! God is good!"
I think I began to notice a big difference in our marriage and family life after we listened to the Christ Centered Relationships series by Francis & Lisa Chan, back in June/July. We had to have listened to it in its entirety at least 10 times! In the car, at home, I even listened to it a couple of times while I was at my internship over the summer! It helped us to realize that everything will fall into place by focusing on loving GOD with all our heart, mind and soul! So, rather than focusing on making eachother "happy" all we had to do was genuinly LOVE GOD (the key word being GENUINLY), and by doing so our actions would be in line with His will. He commands that we love an honor one another, and there you have it - WE'RE HAPPY! :)
I did more driving this weekend than I have since 11/4, and it made me miss you so much more! Not just because you usually did the driving when you were here:), also because I started to reminisce about how we'd always listen to sermons and talk about them together. Or how I'd be singing my heart out, you'd compliment me and tell me how much you loved my voice, then I'd finish the song completely off-key on purpose and ask "would you still love me if I sang like that?", and you'd just laugh. Or how you'd start singing back to me until I'd turn the radio lower so I could hear you like you were serenading me, then you'd stop singing so I'd turn it back up and you'd start singing again:)!
We used to love Alicia Keys' Unplugged CD! We used to always sing "How Come You Don't Call Me" together! And our fave duet - "If You Say My Eyes are Beautiful" by Whitney Houston... Of course, our whole family enjoyed jammin to praise and gospel music all the time too. We LOVED praisin and worshiping together! Oh man, we shared the love of music!
I know I keep saying it, but THANK YOU! For everything! But most of all, for choosing to love the girls and I and for allowing God to bless us thru you.
I love you more...
December 6 at 11:41pm
You know, I wouldn't have even attempted to take on 21 units between 3 schools last spring semester if it weren't for you convincing me I could do it! I remember feeling "stuck" after working temp jobs all last year without finding that perfect full-time permanent job that paid enough. So, we prayed on it and the Lord led me to the Me...dical Assisting program at Merritt College! And since my bigger goal was to end up in Health Info Technology, I took additional classes at Laney and thru SBCC to get me started on my degree:)! Gosh! Just reading all that is tiring! LoL:) But I remember you talking me thru it while trying to decide whether it was doable or not. You reminded me of the fact that from the day we met, until the day we moved back to the Bay, I worked from 1 to 3 jobs whenever needed! You said my strength and work ethic as a mother of 3 were some of the first characteristics that stood out and made you wanna get to know me:)!
You had been working part time at Best Buy for a couple of months and were hopeful that you'd soon be full time. So, I enrolled! It was tough, no doubt. Things didn't work out as you hoped at Best Buy, so in April you got rehired at FedEx part time and wa-la! Everything started to get better:)! Summer semester I completed my internship and 7 units thru SBCC, while you worked and began to really consider what you wanted to go back to school for.
One night in late July, we walked the Berkeley Pier and talked about your options. It was between firefighter training and pursuing the management track at FedEx. By the end of the night, we decided on both! You knew FedEx was doable, but being part time and having low senority made it Plan B.
Fall semester, you dove right into taking firefighter program classes while seeking full time opportunities at FedEx. Times were getting harder during the Fall because your Best Buy hours were often getting cut drastically! I remember a couple of weeks they only scheduled you for 8 total hours! So, you signed up for extra hours at FedEx whenever you could.
So, with your hectic schedule, my crazy schedule, the girls attending 3 different schools, ministry work, hula, various school functions, a ton of family parties, and only one vehicle, we were the closest family ever! :) We did everything together, practically living in that Suburban! And when Alana moved upstairs, we gladly added her to the mix:)! She immediately became La's lil sissy, and Jin and Isa's big sissy!
Baby, I miss our hectic, broke, happy, blessed life together! If it meant we could have you back I'd leave our safe new home and go back to our Oakland life where we our cars constantly got broken into, random people would run thru our yard to get to the other side, and I seldom slept when you weren't home protecting us! Life just doesn't feel right without you here living it with us! Nothing seems to make sense anymore and all I do all day is reminisce about the times we shared together. And when I manage to think about other things, something triggers a memory, and I go right back to having you on the brain!
Today at Kaiser, I was just sitting in the dr's office and on her wall were folders w/ patient handouts. Some were for smokers, others were for arthritis and heart conditions and stuff. And one folder was labeled "MVA"! Idont know what it really stood for, but to me it was Mark Vita Aragon! Then there were the million Suburbans that kept driving by as I was waiting for Atch in the car, and the one just like ours that parked right in front of me! Then the flu shots we got...made me think about how sick you got when you got yours in October. And finally, as I drove past a McDonalds and Keila mentioned how you didn't get to enjoy this winters McRib! That was it for me and I started cry/laughing cuz I couldn't believe how present you were today! Atch was like "you're crying over a McRib?". LoL
I feel like your presence that I feel everyday is Gods way of reminding me that you're always with me. Just as God has revealed Himself to us over the past year+! That's why I haven't gone looney and depressed...because I never "lost" you. Just like I never lost my hope, joy, faith or my praise! I just miss the human version of you. But I thank God your spirit and our memories will never leave me. *Muah* I love you more;)!
December 7 at 12:43am
Heavenly Father, The pressure seems unbearable, but it has not crushed me. I am utterly confused and overwhelmed, but I have not given up. My distress is constant, but so are You. I have been forcefully struck down, but I am not destroyed. (Through a Season of Grief)
December 7 at 10:02pm
So, I wanted to start off by thanking you... I was running late for a 3o'clock appointment because the building I needed to be at was hard to find. When I finally found it, I parked at the far end of the parking lot and started power-walking to the office. Halfway there I started to wonder if I locked the doors. It was either 1-go to the appointment and pray no one decides to try and steal my car; or 2-run back and check. Luckily, your spirit, or the memory of you (whatever u wanna call it) reminded me of that trick you taught me! So I held the remote to my neck, pressed the lock button, and the "beep beep" confirmed that the car was secure! :) So, thanks baby!!! "I thank God everytime I remember you." Philippians 1:3
Now, can you PLEASE help me figure out how to setup this friggin wireless modem router internet thingy?!?!? Seriously!!! ;)
Today was a busy, busy day. One would think that the busyness would be a distraction from my grief, but NO! Not for this woman! If anything, it intensified it! I'm not only grieving losing you (singular)...I'm grieving the loss of the life we shared and each individual thing you were to me. My friend, my love, Papa to our girls, the garbage taker-outer, our personal security system, my personal trainer, my taste tester, my eye-cover-upper whenever Shemar Moore would come on screen while watching Criminal Minds LoL, my cheerer-upper, my comforter, our tech support, my encourager, a source of our entertainment, my lumpia wrapper, the one who knows me like no one else, and on and on and on... I'm grieving every quality of you!
"One reason grief disrupts so many aspects of your life is because your loss is not one isolated loss." (Through a Season of Grief)
Man, this sucks! Babe, I lost 10 pounds since my last Kaiser appt on 10/25! You said that for every 10 pounds lost, you'd take me out on a date! A real, thoughtfully planned out, romantic date;)! Not just our day-to-day kinda romantic mushiness. So not fair!!! But its all good though. I shall continue where we left off. I brought Keila to 24 today to add her membership. Sadly, I also had to cancel yours:(. But the sales guy said he thinks they can just transfer your membership to me! That would be so awesome, considering I pay $30/month and your dues are $50/YEAR! I should find out by the end of the week:)!
So, starting Monday (cuz we have a pretty busy rest of this week) La and I plan on dropping the girls off at school, then heading to the gym, then home so she can get ready for school which starts at noon. We want to do that M-F, but at least 3 days/week. The schedule will change once I start working and get back to school, but for now, it is what it is. :)
Please continue to remain my source of motivation thru this. It is still hard to think about my physical health when I'm an emotional wreck...especially when our plan was to get healthy so we can have a son (you were so sure we'd have a boy...!). But I know I gotta do it so I can have the energy and strength to be both Momma AND Papa to the girls, and to fulfill God's will for my life (like you did).
I love you more my suga-baby:)!
December 7 at 6:55pm
"All I want for Christmas is YOU...Baby!"
December 7 at 10:22pm
I became a 32 y/o widow & single-mother of 3 overnight! Don't take your LoVeS or your other many BLeSSiNGS for granted. Remember James 4:14.
December 8 at 9:31am
I don't want a lot 4 Christmas, there is just 1 thing I need. I don't care about the presents uderneath the Christmas tree.
December 8 at 9:33am
I just want you for my own, more than you could ever know. Make my wish come true...ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS MY MAN!
But like my sista said last night: "It's going to get dirty and I'll need a flat bed truck but okay...". LoL
THIS GRIEVING DURING THE HOLIDAYS STUFF SUCKS!!! :(
December 8 at 11:29am
"I miss you...most at Christmas time. And I can't get you-get you off my mind."
December 8 at 2:04pm
Remembering the days when Christmas music made me happy... The immense impact Mark Matthew Aragon had on my life is immesurable. ♥ijkl<3M♥ December 8 at 2:20pm
"I just want you here tonight, holding on to me so tight. What more can I do? Baby, all I want for Christmas is you. YOU, BABY!"
December 8 at 11:51pm
The closer we get to Christmas, the more crazy it gets. Today was another busy and emotional day. I completed 3 make-up quizzes, and have 2 finals to complete this week (possibly 3 if the instructor gets back to me). Luckily, the other instructors were compassionate enough to work with me in regards to the last month I did nothing at all!
Driving to Keila's school to drop her off, we listened to Mariah Carey's Christmas album. We got there prety early so we sat in the car and I tried my best to hold back the tears so she wouldn't worry, but right in the middle of O Holy Night, I just broke down! It wasn't even a mushy song like All I Want For Christmas or anything! Man, Christmas music used to trigger happy, joyful thoughts...but now, it just makes me sad thinking about our first Christmas without you. Christmas was your favorite holiday, New Years was "our" day, and Valentines Day was my fave! Now, considering how horribly I did on Thanksgiving, I'm sure it will just get worse with each coming holiday...
Keila and I were on our way to Borders in Elk Grove (again) when we found a Best Buy and decided to go in. This probably sounds wierd, but the smell as soon as we walked in reminded me of you! Walking around the store and seeing the workers in their uniforms reminded me of you! Walking thru the laptop area reminded me of the last time we did that! Seeing the kids playing on the game consoles that were setup reminded me of the times you'd pick us all up from school at your lunch break and we'd wait for you to finish your shift so the girls would play games while waiting! Overhearing conversations at the Geek Squad counter reminded me of all crazy-customer stories you'd tell me after a crazy day at work! Poor Keila kept asking "are you ok momma?"...I'm sure because she could see the emotion on my face.
So, for a while, I was thinking "Man, I wish our relationship wasn't as close to perfection as it was! Maybe I wouldn't painfully miss you so darn much!". Then I snapped out of it because if we weren't as happy and in LoVe as we were, I think it would hurt MORE because I'd have so many REGRETS to think about on top of MiSSing you like CRaZY! So, I'm convinced now more than ever that our pasts (no matter how painful) were meant to be. We met eachother when we were supposed to meet because we were ready to appreciate eachother and finally experience true love! God knew He'd call you home when He did so He gave you 3 amazing girls to live-out the Papa role that came so natural to you!
So ALL Glory, Honor and Praise to our Heavenly Father for ordering our steps the way He did since we took our first steps as babies! I thank the Lord for the good, the bad and everything in between because everything we experienced in our lives before we met molded and shaped us into the two parts of a perfect whole!
I thank God for YOU, everyday! I love you more my Matthew...
A week or so ago, I had written about how I read every single post on your FB wall since January! Well, to be completely honest, I've done that almost everyday. Going back and reading everything is as therapeutic to me as writing to you myself!
Well, one thing I didn't realize was how many loved ones posted on MY wall since 11.04.2010!!! So, I went back and read thru all the love, prayers, support and memories many people shared throughout our grief. I must say-I'm TOTALLY feelin the LOVE!!!! So, THANK YOU to everyone who has taken the time to bless me and the girls since day one! We love you all and thank God for having you in our lives!!!
My last post was a "note" as opposed to the usual wall post I'd write on your wall. My writing was getting longer each day, it seemed, and it just made more sense to do it this way:). I get messages all day everyday from people all over who are finding comfort in my thoughts. Who'd a thought?!?! ;) So, as I was reading thru my wall today, I copied and pasted my thoughts from 11.04.2010 thru 12.08.2010 below for those who asked:). *** May reading them bless you as much as writing them has blessed me!***
Missing and loving you more and more each day, my Matthew...
November 4 at 11:01pm
Thank you all for your prayers and support during these difficult times. If you know me, you know how deeply in LOVE I have always been with my husband, and while the LOVE will remain the same forever, I will forever long for his companionship. Our love was rare and I'm eternally grateful for the opportunity to have been blessed with Mark Aragon. Till I see you again baby...I LOVE YOU MORE!
November 5 at 11:47am
Its not supposed to be this way! I'm the one with the health issues and you were my personal-trainer-from-hell! Helping me to get healthy so I can give you a son...our own Nathaniel! You said you'd never leave me...I shouldn't have woken you up that morning to go to work. And how I wish I slept in the room with you that night...I know you need me to make sure you get up on time, but still, last night was horrible! I wanted your arms around me after you tucked me in like you always did. Till later...Baby,I LOVE YOU MORE!
November 5 at 12:07pm
I want my husband. I want to hold him & just sit & stare into his beautiful eyes. I should NOT be at a funeral home making arrangements!
November 6 at 8:32am
Baby, I wish I could just press rewind and NOT let you leave for work that night! It makes complete sense that our Heavenly Father wanted to bless you by wrapping His Heavenly arms around you. I know how much you're loving it right now! To be in His presence...OH, what a PRAISE party you're havin! It sounds crazy, but I'm so glad you're there and I'm here because this pain is so great and I cant begin to imagine you going through this roller coaster. We'll get thru...I know we will. We have the best possible angel watching over us! Just try not to look at me for a while because I know how much you'd hate to see how I'm dealing. I'm getting better baby, you'll see. I love you more...
November 7 at 1:36am
Hey baby, I'm bout to get ready for bed now. What a long day (again)! It was so hard for me to see you today but you look so peaceful. Luckily my family was with me cuz otherwise, I woulda dragged your butt to the car and brought you home with me! j/k But seriously though, I wanted so bad to jump up on the table and spoon:)
I laughed and smiled much more today than yesterday and the day before! Isa, Jin, Lala and I are surrounded by so much love and support. FB messages are overflowing with memories of how much you impacted hundreds of lives! People I've never met are even contacting me tell me how they feel they know me and the girls just thru you! I'ts such an amazing feeling to know how much YOU LOVE US! Not that I doubted it... anyways, I could go on forever, but I gotta get some sleep. Goodnight my love. I love you more!
November 7 at 11:52pm
Hello my love:) I wanted to go to RCC this morning...they've been praying and supporting us since the day you were called home, but memories of serving there were flooding my mind and my emotions kept me from going. As soon as I'd walk in, it just wouldn't be the same because you weren't there! I did go to VBC with the girls, my sisters and the Matsu's, which was still hard, but not as hard as I think it would've been at RCC. We've been looking thru pictures and sharing memories of you, and i've been crying and laughing all day (more laughing than crying). I just want to show you that i'm getting better each day. I'll never let go, but i'll be ok. Goodnight sweetheart...I love you more!
November 8 at 10:05pm
Hey baby, Nic brought me to see our new home today and I just kept thinking about last weekend when you went there to pick up the fridge and came home talking about how much you thought it would be a perfect 1st home for us. I saw the area you mentioned I could plant our veggies and herbs...and the walk-in pantry you knew i'd love:). It's gonna be so hard being there without you. So much is happening so fast! Please help me tomorrow when I see your beautiful face again. I might try to pry your gorgeous eyes open just so I can look into those beautiful hazels again;). Oh, boy...imma miss grossing people out w/ our public displays of affection! hahaha Well, I better get some rest. I miss you much and I love you more babe.
November 9 at 10:51am
Hey my love. When I walked into the family room this morning and saw your handsome face in all the pictures, I couldn't help but cry like a baby. I know you hate it when I cry, but you'll just have to get used to it for a bit. I want so badly NOT to have to go today because if I do, I'll have to accept that this is all really happening! Even though I saw you Saturday, I still can't believe it! Today will be especially hard for the girls because they'll be seeing their papa for the first time since you said 'goodnight' to them Wednesday night. Baby, I'll try my best to be strong for them. I miss you so much, it hurts...and I love you more.
November 8 at 11:31pm
Spoken by Mark Aragon's amazing friend, Sheila: "I know one thing, he loves his family. Everytime we talked he would talk about how in love he is with Leila and his daughters. Oh, and please dont make the mistake of calling his girls "stepdaughters" or that he is a "stepdad" to them, he will put you in check!"
November 9 at 10:34pm
Whatta day, my love! Hundreds of people came out to pay their respects today, and we honored you with an amazing memorial service. Hearing our girls weap so intensly for their papa was so sad, but so expected because you were everything to us! I'm exhausted, so I'm gonna try my best to fall asleep in a bit. We have another day to make it thru...goodnight you fine-thang:) I love you more...
November 11 at 1:19am
A week ago, right about now, I was chatting with you about the next days plans as you were getting ready for work. Now, i'm sitting here amazed that my love could possibly grow deeper for you over this past week even though you aren't here. Last night, over 300 friends and family members came to see you! And tonight was a record-breaking night for the chapel! I got to meet so many of the people you've told me about over the years, and many others who had new stories to share with me. Tomorrow's the day we lay your earthly body to rest, but your legacy will continue thru the girls and I. Thank you for being such a Godly man, loyal friend, loving husband and papa. Until I see you again, I love you more!
November 12 at 9:00am
WOW, my love! I remember how you always had a story or memory to share...it was like you were trying to get me to know as much as possible about you in the short time we had. Now I can put faces to many of those stories, and it's such an awesome feeling. My goodness babe! Over 1000 people showed up for YOU! The guest book was filled to the max so people were signing the cover! "Miss Shirley" did a beautiful job singing Amazing Grace, like I know you'd want. I felt so honered when Pastor Ron reflected on the Godly man you had become...the man that the girls and I were privelaged beyond measure to have in our lives. I kept repeating "quiet strength" to myself throughout the week, but now that everythings over I think it's all REALLY starting to come out. I'll see you later baby. I think I'll bring you an "oakland burrito"! I love you more...
November 13 at 2:16am
Oooooh Baby...I need a bigger dose of that Quiet Strength you lent me over the past week! (You know my heart-no need to explain it all.) Anyways, I went to the site where you took your last breath. Part of me wishes I didn't go, but I guess I had to. I am hurting so much! I'm reminded of you all day long! YOU blessed the food before we ate; YOU tucked me in at night; YOU opened doors for me and pulled my chair out; YOU saw to it that your girls were always safe and happy; YOU loved us like none other and made it so easy to love right back; and on and on and on. Your handsome face is embedded in my mind and I see you even with my eyes closed. I pray that I can hurry up and get past the hurt and that the girls can too, but even more than that, I pray that YOUR testimony shared by Pastor Ron grabbed hold of every heart in that church yesterday. After all, that's what YOU desired to do. Anyhoo - I'll talk to you later booboose...I love you more!
November 14 at 5:39pm
Yo, babe! Keila, Adrian, Doris, Dana & Tim got baptized today:) The ceremony was BEAUTIFUL...and your presence was totally there! You would've been so proud of your Lala. After the ceremony, we went to visit you and the view was as breathtaking as it was the day we put your earthly body to rest! Seriously! It's been warm and gorgeous in NOVEMBER! Well, we're about to head to our new home in Sac now. As soon as I get my cable/internet hooked up again, I'm hoping to begin replying to the million messages of love and condolences i've received. So, goodnight for now mahal...and until you can prove me wrong, I LOVE YOU MORE!
November 13 at 9:39pm
...missin my baby...
November 14 at 10:01pm
Its so hard to be happy about our new home... Its beautiful and safe, but missing my man:(.
November 14 at 11:46pm
Lord God, teach me to embrace my grief and not fight it, so that I may experience the true healing that comes from You. Amen.
November 15 at 8:27am
I miss how u'd nvr leave home w/o kissing/hugging me, & telling me u luv me... This gives a whole new meaning to loving so much, it hurts...
November 16 at 5:29pm
So baby, I ordered your grave stone today.. It was harder than I thought, but I didn't cry:). It's basically gonna say what the shirts say, along with your favorite verse (Philippians 1:21). I was struggling at first because it would be way to much to describe all that you are, so it simply says "Beloved Man of God" under your name. Can you imagine "Beloved son, brother, husband, papa, cousin, uncle, nephew, friend, coworker, etc...?" LoL It would've gone on forever!
Then we went to Ly Luck restaurant (for the 3rd time since the 5th!). I never went there with you, but I remember you and Alana talking about how yummy it was, so we went. You were right - that place is yummy! I was pretty proud of myself for keeping myself composedn UNTIL we got on the freeway and headed out of Oakland. Then the memories of that drive we often took started flooding my brain and I started to cry. This is just the beginning babe, so bear with me. This is gonna be a year of "firsts" without you by my side, so you're gonna have to get used to me crying. But on the flip-side, I've got peace because of the amazing man you were, so I'm not gonna end up in a looney-house:)! (Thanks for that!) I love you more...
November 16 at 11:03pm
So, it was the girls 1st day at new schools and Isa gets 6 pages of MATH homework! Guess who always helped the girls w/ MATH?!?! :(
November 17 at 11:56am
Quiet Strength...
November 18 at 7:23am
Its been an eventful 2 weeks, and its still so unreal! The girls and I spent a couple hours on our own yesterday and ran errands in Elk Grove. It was wierd to not hold your hand in the car or have you put your arm around me as we walked around Walmart. It was so awkward to get a table for 4 instead of 5 at the restaurant, and not have you give thanks and bless our dinners (although, Isa did well!).
We didn't spend much time in the Sacramento area together, but we're still reminded of you wherever we go! FedEx trucks; husbands/wives and papa's/kids walking around holding hands; bookstores we practically lived at; Best Buy's; churches, etc! You are everywhere! And not in a freaky, paranormal way...in a comforting and "We'll miss you forever" kinda way. And while I'll miss our play-fights over who loves who "more", or ask "what's your name again" because we always called eachother baby, love, booboose, or dude...its nice to have the last say! LoL. I love you more baby!
November 19 at 8:47am
"Knowing the Lord and His comfort does not take away the ache; instead, it supports you in the middle of the ache. Until I get home to heaven, there's going to be an ache that won't quit. The grieving process for me is not so much a matter of getting rid of the pain, but not being controlled by the pain." (Dr. Larry Crabb) "Be merciful to me, LORD, for I am faint; O LORD, heal me, for my bones are in agony. My soul is in anguish. How long, O LORD, how long? Turn, O LORD, and deliver me; save me because of your unfailing love" (Psalm 6:2-4)
November 20 at 3:32pm
Borders Bookstore- Browsing thru the Christian Living section was always our first stop. You usually grabbed a couple books before sitting in the cafe, but in the recent weeks you'd go straight for "Twelve Ordinary Men" by John MacArthur. I saw that book today and teared-up knowing you were so close to finishing it before you were called home. I grabbed a bunch of books and sat in the cafe. Normally, I'd look to you and ask "fruity or not?", meaning strawberry fruitkula or javanilla shake? Those were the only drinks you'd ever get there.
For the first time ever, I didn't get anything at all. I just sat at the table with Keila and started looking thru the books. I finally decided on "When the Hurt Runs Deep" by Kay Arthur, then we paid for it and left. I'm pretty sure that was the least amount of time I have ever stayed at a bookstore! Ever! I'll miss how we'd spend hours there using up the free wi-fi, reading books (and taking notes). You'd always come prepared with an extension cord thingy w/ the extra outlets so no matter where'd we sit, we'd be able to plug in our laptops. Gosh I miss you so much, it hurts...and till you can say otherwise, I love you more! :)
November 21 at 6:50am
I woke up at 4:15'ish this morning thinking about a particular day when you had gotten ready for work and came out to the kitchen for breakfast. I was up studying all night and at that moment I was in the middle of an online exam. Right after you gave me a good-morning kiss, I was immediately taken-back by your scent! I asked, "dang baby, whatchu got on?". You said (in a smooth tone) "naw baby, its all me!". I immediately got up (we were both giggling) and just wrapped my arms around you and just started breathing you in. We just stood there in silence for about a minute with our arms around eachother. Next thing you know, I remembered the timed exam I was taking and got right back to it, and you got back to your usual protein-shake-breakfast. It wasn't till later that I realized you started wearing Axe body spray and deodorant. LoL Those commercials don't lie! Its memories like this that come to mind 24/7! Part of me thinks it sucks because it makes me miss you so much more, but at the same time I'm so glad to have so many shared moments like these to hold close till I see you again. Love you more my honey bunches of oats!
November 21 at 3:15pm
Love, by Musiq Soulchild...Remembering the times we'd replace the word "Love" w/ "Lord" & it made so much sense! Then you found the remake and got bummed cuz you thought you realized it first! LoL I hope your not mad that I'm sittin here, home alone, listening to the slow jam playlist we used to listen to all the time. So many songs that bring me back to March 11, 2004 when we met on Myspace:)!
We became the best of friends within weeks of aol chats, texts and talkin on the phone for hours (I couldn't stand your Metro PCS phone and its million dropped calls!). We were FAMILY within months! I remember being so scared to meet you in person because I was so self-conscious, and your fine-self could get anyone you wanted...but the day we finally met in person you took my face in your hands and said "so you're my soul mate"! Way before we were even a couple!
And your feelings never wavered even when we were 400 miles apart! No matter how undeserving I felt and tried to get you to get you to go out there and find someone worthy of your love. Little did I know, at the time, that GOD CREATED YOU FOR ME AND ME FOR YOU! Our entire history was carefully orchestrated so I could find that quote on your Myspace page that would make me wanna comment on it!
Almost forgot...I love you MORE:)!
November 21 at 3:21pm
"Thank You" by Ashanti-my heart sings this song to my baby everyday...
November 22 at 9:32am
For the life of me, I just couldn't see the arrow in the FedEx logo! But you still wouldn't point it out to me...for days! Finally, you felt bad that I was so frustrated and said "look between the E and the X"! Duh?!? Why didn't I see that?!? LoL Then you said, "do you see the heart?". I'll admit I thought about it for a bit, but I didn't fall for it for that long! :)
Missing you like crazy, and loving you more each day...
November 23 at 8:21am
Fall 2004 to 2005: You couldn't stand that I had to work 2 full time jobs and be away from the girls in order to get established in Orange County. And you'd tell me so everytime you gave me my wakeup calls! But you respected that I did what I had to so the girls and I could live in the amazing area we ended up (Aliso Viejo). It was so hard to stick to a strict schedule because I wanted to talk to you all the time! I felt like a teenager:).
My workday started at 11pm; naptime from 7:15 till 8; talk to you till 8:30 as I drove to job #2 (you'd already be at FedEx, San Jose, getting ready for your route-thank God ear pieces were already invented! LoL); regular chats during breaks and lunch; home by 5:30 where we'd play the "no, YOU hang up first" game; sleep till your 10pm wakeup call; you'd say "good morning", I'd say "good night"; then repeat!
I finally saved up enough to get into the City Lights Apartments in Aliso Viejo, and the girls came home. I don't remember the exact moment you told me you were transferring to SoCal to live in LA w/ family and work at the FedEx in Irvine. All I do remember was feeling so amazingly loved that you wanted to, let alone, it was actually gonna happen! By the time you made the move, I had found the perfect job that allowed me to work only one job. Irvine was so close to us, so you'd hang out w/ me and the girls after work. Before heading back to LA, you'd check all the doors and windows to make sure we were safe. I remember when my mom came to visit and witnessed that...she loved you ever since! But, of course, I love you MORE:)!
November 23 at 4:29pm
1st Grief Share mtg 2nite in Elk Grove. Topic:Surviving the Holidays - I know I need & should go, but denial is so much easier:(. #justsayin
November 24 at 12:53pm
Random memory: Mark's Starbucks fave's were- Venti-upside-down-caramel-macchiato; or a Venti-strawberry-lemonade-smoothie!
These thoughts just keep on coming... :)
November 24 at 9:52pm
Oh husband...tomorrow's Thanksgiving and as I shared in the GriefShare meeting last night, i'm so scared! Everyday has been an emotional roller coaster, but I'm not sure what to expect on Thanksgiving and Christmas! I can't say it enough...I MISS YOU SO MUCH! I've always loved you, but i've NEVER had to miss you this much because the day after you went home to be with the Lord was the first day since March 11, 2004 that I didn't get to hear your soothing, loving voice at least once. Missing you is the toughest thing i've ever had to do, and it's just the beginning. I know i'll NEVER "get over" you, so I pray all day, everyday, for the strength and courage to keep on keepin on. You are the best thing that ever happened to the girls and I, and because of that - WE love you more...
November 25 at 7:10pm
I have an abundance of things to be thankful for today, but God blessing the girls and I with YOU is the biggest blessing of all! I started off this morning with every intention of making it thru our usual Thanksgiving gathering at my parents house in Vallejo, but as soon as I made my rounds saying "hello" to everyone I headed straight to "our room" and stayed there all day. I started thinking of all the Sundays we'd visit my parents after church...have lunch with them...watch you and daddy sit together talking about scripture or whatever bible study books you were studying, while I would work on homework in the dining room...then we'd take a nap in (what we called) "our room" while the girls spent time with their Lolo and Lola.
Tears still fall when mama and daddy talk about "sweet Mark". The rest of my family is now able to really start the grieving process as well now that all the memorial planning and our move to Sacramento is done. Ate Sette and Ate Lane attended the Grief Share meeting with me (even bought books for themselves:)), and the rest of the fam seems to wanna attend too after hearing about it! This Thanksgiving was all about YOU, as many of us wore your tribute t-shirts. YOU baby!
I read thru every single wall post on your page since 11/4. I wish I could respond to every single one, but reading them alone was so emotional. I tried to "like" each one after reading it, but I just noticed that not all the "likes" actually went thru...probably a computer glich?!? What do you think, geek squad? LoL Ha! I wish you could tell me:)
Anyways, ONE of the many obvious things that came out of what everyone had to say about you is how much you love me and the girls. One coworker (who I never had the privlage to meet) wrote about how your face would light up when you'd speak of us! What an honor! You loved and cherished us till your last breath here on earth and I THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart! Missing you like crazy and loving you more each day-your baby, lei
November 26 at 5:26pm
"Grief is not an enemy or a sign of weakness. It is a sign of being human. GRIEF IS THE COST OF LOVING SOMEONE." (Through a Season of Grief)
November 26 at 6:06pm
Anne Graham Lotz defines hope: "Biblical hope is absolute confidence in something you haven't seen or received yet, but you're absolutely confident that whatever God has said is going to come to pass. Jesus is your hope for the future. One day Jesus Christ will come back, and He will set all of the wrong right. Good will triumph over the bad. Love will triumph over hate. Righteousness will triumph over evil. He's going to make it all right, and you can have absolute confidence that that's going to take place. That's your HOPE."
I just read that in my Grief Share book (Through a Season of Grief), and it made me think of you. You, my love, lived your life with an amazing faith and hope in God! You showed this in good times and even in times of trials and pursecution. You taught the girls and I about your quiet strength and that it wasn't weakness, it was Christ-like humility. We are so privelaged to have spent your final years growing in Christ with you and promise you that the growth will not stop there! I love you more my super-hot-geeky-fedex man...:)
November 27 at 11:56am
SoCal-2005 to 2008: Keila and I were reminiscing about your old blue Honda CRX. We all used to crack-up at your "Flinstone mobile"! You'd always try to park at the top level of our parking garage because it was at the top of a steep-enough incline that would allow you to run-push-start your car because it had starter issues. You'd push the car out of the parking space, you'd run to the drivers seat, use your left foot to give it a lil more push, then turn the key and be on your way:) LoL One time, you yelled out of the car "Scooby-dooby-doo" after getting it started, then you called me a couple minutes later and said "Oops-wrong cartoon...I meant Yabba-dabba-doo!":) We laughed for days, and your CRX was officially dubbed the Flinstone mobile...
One of the many other SoCal memories I hold close are the many bbq's we had at our condo! We constantly had friends over at the pool! You'd man the grill, cookin up my secret marinated chicken and veggies, corn on the cob, carne asada, ribs, and sometimes oysters! You and the guys would sneak-up on people and throw 'em in the pool...we ladies would sit at the table videotaping, chatting, and sippin on margaritas or our fruity smirnoff's. 4th of July was amazing cuz we didn't have to go anywhere to watch fireworks. We just chilled by the pool:) We used to get a kick outta grossing Walter out with our mushy comments towards eachother and PDA;). Ahhh, the memories...
Gosh, babe. ALL DAY LONG memories come at me like little commercials. Even storires you'd share from before we met come up at times! Luckily, all the memories make me smile and if I cry, they're tears of joy. I thank God everyday that we had such a "wierd" relationship...never argued, and seldom disagreed without agreeing to disagree. No wonder people often told us they wished they had what you and I had:). True unconditional LOVE. Loving you more each day...your baby-girl.
November 28 at 10:57pm
So, baby-as I was going through our slow jam playlist, I found the very first song I sang to you (in person - not over the phone! LoL). I listened to it about nine hundred forty eight thousand times, thinking that I could listen to it once without crying...but I was kidding myself! The lyrics are so on point still, just as they were back then. So, from the bottom of my heart, here is my song to you baby:
Darlin' I want you to listen
I stayed up all night, so I could get this thing right
And I don't think there's anything missin'
Cause a person like you, made it easy to do
I've waited for so long, to sing to you this song
Cause your eyes are the windows to heaven
Your smile could heal a million souls
Your love completes my existence
You're the other half that makes me whole
You're the only other half that makes me whole
I think the angels are your brothers
They told you about me, said "you're just what she needs"
And I find myself thanking your mother
For giving birth to a saint
My spirit flies when I say your name
If there's one thing that's true
It's that I was born to love you
Cause your eyes are the windows to heaven
Your smile could heal a million souls
Your love completes my existence
You're the other half that makes me whole
You're the only other half that makes me whole
You make my dreams
Come true over and, over again
And I honestly truly believe
You and me are written in the stars
I live my whole life through
Giving thanks to you
Cause your eyes are the windows to heaven
Your smile could heal a million souls
Your love completes my existence
You're the other half that makes me whole
You're the only other half that makes me whole
Loving you more and more and more each day, my love...14344342!
November 28 at 11:18pm
Operation "Get thru Thanksgiving weekend" COMPLETE! It hurt, but we got thru it thanks to the AMAZING family God blessed us with☺! ♥ijkl<3M♥ November 29 at 11:01pm
We brought our tradition of endless bbq's w/ friends in SoCal to the Bay w/ us:). I think we started calling it Club Aragon after BIANCA taught us how to "dance in Oakland" that one crazy night of "scary-oke". JiJi just would not put the mic down, and then GIE almost broke our bathroom door cuz (someone) locked herself in the bathroom!!! You, of course, captured every moment on video:)!
Or how about our typical Club Aragon 4th of July? We're all chillin playing dominoes while bbq'in and jammin to old school jams when out of no where we hear POP-POp-Pop-pop all down our street. After a brief silence, someone acknowledges that it was a driveby, then one second later someone yells "who's turn is it?" and we all get right back to our game like nothing ever happened:)! LoL
And who can forget that night when we were all chillin in the backyard and all of the sudden, we hear yelling nearby. You turned off all the lights and we sat there in the dark listening to this couple fighting as they walked up and down Brookdale, then back and forth on Coolidge. Screaming at eachother and crying, while their friends were crackin up! Oh the DRAMA!
Then Fall came...school was back in session, but Club Aragon was still in effect! Winter came...and being the "Inspector Gadget / Mcguyver" you are, you setup the tent to block the wind and kept the grill going for the heat! There was no stopping Club Aragon from happening! LoL
Man-oh-man! I'm gonna miss all the FUN we had! Not to say I won't ever have fun again, but fun just isn't the same without YOU baby! I miss your laugh! The way you'd wrinkle your nose and make that cutesy-rattle sound. And that amazing smile that was so contagious! I'll forever crave those times when we'd laugh so hard that the sounds of our laughs made us laugh even harder until it started to hurt!! We were always so happy together! Although you're gone from this imperfect world my love, the abundance of memories will never die. I miss you, and I love you more...
November 29 at 11:12pm
God takes you as you are. He accepts you, & then His love changes you. You are never beyond hope. Never. (CMorgan,Through a Season of Grief"
November 30 at 10:38pm
2/17/07: I took on a temp graveyard shift because the lab asked for help, so after a long day of work on the 16th, followed by a 6 hour graveyard shift doing data entry, I came home to a candle-lit dining room covered in rose petals, 2 dozen red roses in a beautiful vase, balloons and Gato Barbieri's smooth saxaphone playing on the stereo. Isa & Jin were away for the weekend, and you and Lala managed to keep your plans a suprise! Lala helped w/ the decorations, while you cooked-up a delicious white clam sauce over fettucine and veggies. The 3 of us talked and ate our 'dinner for breakfast', you and I slow danced while Lala cleared the table, then both of you tucked me in to sleep.
Thinking of that day, and the other days like it, make me so happy! We were such a happy couple because both of us shared the same primary "love language"...QUALITY TIME! Our happiness wasn't dependent on where we were, what we owned, or how much $ we had - in fact, we never did have much. But the quality time we spent both as a couple AND also as a family is what kept our love growing strong everyday! The appreciation, respect and loyalty we have for one another are additional benefits that make it so easy to love eachother while here on earth, and the memories of the times we shared will keep you alive in my mind and heart until we meet again! Like I tweeted on Valentines Day 2010 "I LoVe that I'm so in LoVe" ...with a man so in love with me.
14344342! ♥ijkl<3M♥ December 1 at 12:19am
"My life was totally flipped upside down emotionally, in every way you could think of" (Through a Season of Grief)
Thank God for Matthew 5:4!
December 1 at 9:09pm
Its often said that bad things are more memorable than good things. So, I am so happy to say that we have it made! I was on a mission tooday to come up with as many "bad" moments we had. Call me crazy, but all the lovey-dovey, mushy stuff I keep thinking and writing about have begun to make me think our entire relationship was just a dream! Possibly too good to be true?!?
So, I came up with quite a few things.
1-you never could just choose a restaurant! It always had to be me and the girls who would have to vote on where to eat, no matter how many times we'd say its up to you cuz you were the only boy!
2-you were the only guy in a house full of ladies, but you'd never fess up to keeping the toilet seat up!
3-you'd always forget to spray the bathroom after blowing it up!
4-you could NEVER stop and ask for directions no matter how badly lost we were !
5-your high-pitched whistle that sounded like nails to a chalkboard
The list goes on, but as you can see, they're pretty minor things that I'd happily deal with for the rest of my life if only I could have you back!
We've had our fair share of differences of opinion, but we respected eachother and just agreed to disagree! My goodness my love! I can't think of one "bad" fight or argument! I LOVE it! But, I love you more!
December 2 at 8:14am
A life-lesson learned from my amazing husband:
"Know who's word to trust, and know who to pray for after letting them talk..."Quiet Strength”
December 2 at 10:37pm
My life got flipped-turned-upside-down four weeks ago, early in the morning on November 4, 2010. I still remember waking you up for work...you downing your Strawberry Muscle Milk shake w/ frozen strawberries...sitting on the couch talking about our plans for the next few days...you tucking me in on the couch where I was catching up on all the DVR'd shows...you kissing me goodbye and telling me you love me...me saying my usual "I Love You MORE"...then for the first time ever, you said "no, I Love You MORE" then closed the door fast so I didn't have a chance to reply. I remember thinking "oh nu-uh!" and was gonna run out to you to set you straight, but you had tucked me in so comfy... Dang, I wish I did now:(.
I got a package from FedEx with a bunch of cards from fellow coworkers at each of the stations you worked at. It was such a blessing to read the messages and comments they wrote about you. Especially today! Your supervisor noted that in the short time he worked with you, "the biggest thing that always stood out was his dedication to his family. I had no idea his daughters were 'step' until after his death. He always spoke with such dedication, pride and passion about all of you...he was always saying 'I'm gonna do this with MY dayghter', or 'MY wife' with such conviction." Your boss even mentioned that he even tried to correct his boss after saying 'step daughters' cuz you had him so convinced:). Now that's LOVE! Baby, I'm sooo understanding now why you took so much pride in FedEx! They treated you like family and it shows! I'm gonna look up some job openings at the local FedEx. I'm pretty sure I'd love working there as much as you did!
I also spent a lot of time today reading thru your 2010 facebook comments and status'. On my birthday this year, you posted the following on my wall:
"Happy 21st Birthday Babee... 'For we are God's masterpiece. He has created us anew in Chri...st Jesus, so we can do the good things He planned for us long ago.' (Ephesians 2:10) - You are definately God's Masterpiece. You touch so many lives, including mine, for the better. I Love you."
I was telling people it was my 23rd, but you took it 2 steps further and made me 21! :) My comment to your post:
"Have I ever told you how amazing you are? I just LOVE loving you:)!"
And I soooooo do, baby! I LOVE loving you! Every minute of every day, loving you MORE!
December 3 at 11:16pm
On August 28 at 7:24pm, you posted as your status:
"At Loard's Ice Cream in Alameda with my wifey and girls."
I found the picture you took of our ice cream cups:) Keila wasn't with us that night, so we sent her the picture to make her jealous! LoL
I miss our family trips to the Southshore Plaza in Alameda! Loards, Jamba Juice, Panera, 24 Fit Lite, BORDERS, oh my!:) The girls and I went to Borders, Elk Grove w/ the Garza's on Tuesday and had a great time, but it felt so wierd to be there without you:(
On August 28 at 9:07pm, you posted as your status:
"Satan may try to convince us our shortcomings render us useless to God. The 12 ORDINARY men Christ appointed as apostles were used to establish the church. They were considered unworthy but... turned the world upside down because GOD worked in them to do it. We are all unworthy, but GOD transforms us to be worthy. Nothing we can do ourselves can make us worthy."
After getting ice cream at Loards, we headed to Borders. You started reading the book 12 Ordinary Men, by John MacArthur, and you couldn't put it down! I wanted to buy it for you, but you hadn't finished another book you were reading and said that you'd just read it whenever we were at the bookstore instead. You were just about a chapter away from finishing before you went to actually meet the very men you were reading about! What an amazing thing! I think I'm gonna get the book myself and read it just so I can feel even closer to you. I'm an unworthy, imperfect woman who's ready to let God use me to make a Mark-size IMPACT on this world! Watch out! LoL
As I was doing a little unpacking in the garage tonight, I found a bunch of mushy-lovey-dovey cards we've given eachother over the years. One that really stood out to me said:
"Time has been good to us. It's deepened our love, strengthend ou...r friendship, and made me very sure that I could never feel this close, this much in love, with anyone else. We've learned to overlook or even laugh about little problems and not turn them into bigger ones. And when real trials have come along, we've learned the true value of having a loving friend and partner to share them with. Time has been good to us. We still look at eachother with love, and that makes life beautiful. Love has been good to us. And especially on our anniversary, I want to thank you with all my heart for sharing your life and your love with me. (Alarie Tennille)
I love you more...
December 3 at 11:40pm
QUIET STRENGTH = "Know who's word to trust, and know who to pray for after letting them talk..." (Life lessons of Mark Aragon) Love God, Love People! God is good ALL THE TIME! Love the sinner, HATE the sin!
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will; That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him Forever in the next. Amen.
December 5 at 12:56am
It's been a month...Reality is setting in...I'm beginning to accept the fact that you're gone...
I went to a GriefShare meeting with Atch this morning. It was an emotional couple of hours. Atch cried, I cried, others cried as we told your story and spoke of you.
Keila went to a winter ball w/ Gabbi, Jared and friends. The last time she went to a formal was the Bishop O'dowd junior prom earlier this year. You and I brought her to Joaquin Miller park to take pictures with the rest of their crew. I'm soooooo glad I took that picture of you and Keila! It'll definately be a keepsake she'll hold close forever.
Isa & Jin went were in the VBC Christmas Concert/Play tonight. Deb found costumes for them last minute, and they were so excited to be part of the play again! Last year, we were all part it. I remember how hectic it was for us driving back and forth to Hercules from Oakland for rehearsals...and the girls were also in the childrens choir concert! But as hectic as it was, we LOVED every moment of it! I was in the choir, the girls were in the play, and you were up in the A/V booth doin your thang! Oh, the memories...
Today was really hard for me. I couldn't be there to see Keila off because I didn't want to ruin her night. My mind was just not there. I couldn't even keep myself together as I was driving her to Fairfield. Atch and David took pictures though.
As for the Christmas Concert - I couldn't imagine sitting there, alone. I'd be a mess at such a joyous event! There are 3 more to go, so I'm planning on attending the last one, next Sunday. I'll have my sistas to sit with.
You know, baby - one thing I learned in the meeting this morning is that my tears honor YOU! They're not a sign of weakness or something that I should hold back! They represent my love for YOU!
I miss you so much it hurts, and I love you MORE!
December 5 at 11:21pm
On August 11 at 3:19pm, you posted:
"God, direct me towards mentorship. Give me discernment as I weigh choices in my life. I pray for Your leading so I can read words written by Men of God, listen to the lessons and emulate those that live righteous and Holy. I long to be the man you created me to be."
I remember reading this and feeling so blessed and thankful to God for His favor over us! A couple minutes later, I commented:
"I'm so lucky you're so in love w/ me:)! God is good!"
I think I began to notice a big difference in our marriage and family life after we listened to the Christ Centered Relationships series by Francis & Lisa Chan, back in June/July. We had to have listened to it in its entirety at least 10 times! In the car, at home, I even listened to it a couple of times while I was at my internship over the summer! It helped us to realize that everything will fall into place by focusing on loving GOD with all our heart, mind and soul! So, rather than focusing on making eachother "happy" all we had to do was genuinly LOVE GOD (the key word being GENUINLY), and by doing so our actions would be in line with His will. He commands that we love an honor one another, and there you have it - WE'RE HAPPY! :)
I did more driving this weekend than I have since 11/4, and it made me miss you so much more! Not just because you usually did the driving when you were here:), also because I started to reminisce about how we'd always listen to sermons and talk about them together. Or how I'd be singing my heart out, you'd compliment me and tell me how much you loved my voice, then I'd finish the song completely off-key on purpose and ask "would you still love me if I sang like that?", and you'd just laugh. Or how you'd start singing back to me until I'd turn the radio lower so I could hear you like you were serenading me, then you'd stop singing so I'd turn it back up and you'd start singing again:)!
We used to love Alicia Keys' Unplugged CD! We used to always sing "How Come You Don't Call Me" together! And our fave duet - "If You Say My Eyes are Beautiful" by Whitney Houston... Of course, our whole family enjoyed jammin to praise and gospel music all the time too. We LOVED praisin and worshiping together! Oh man, we shared the love of music!
I know I keep saying it, but THANK YOU! For everything! But most of all, for choosing to love the girls and I and for allowing God to bless us thru you.
I love you more...
December 6 at 11:41pm
You know, I wouldn't have even attempted to take on 21 units between 3 schools last spring semester if it weren't for you convincing me I could do it! I remember feeling "stuck" after working temp jobs all last year without finding that perfect full-time permanent job that paid enough. So, we prayed on it and the Lord led me to the Me...dical Assisting program at Merritt College! And since my bigger goal was to end up in Health Info Technology, I took additional classes at Laney and thru SBCC to get me started on my degree:)! Gosh! Just reading all that is tiring! LoL:) But I remember you talking me thru it while trying to decide whether it was doable or not. You reminded me of the fact that from the day we met, until the day we moved back to the Bay, I worked from 1 to 3 jobs whenever needed! You said my strength and work ethic as a mother of 3 were some of the first characteristics that stood out and made you wanna get to know me:)!
You had been working part time at Best Buy for a couple of months and were hopeful that you'd soon be full time. So, I enrolled! It was tough, no doubt. Things didn't work out as you hoped at Best Buy, so in April you got rehired at FedEx part time and wa-la! Everything started to get better:)! Summer semester I completed my internship and 7 units thru SBCC, while you worked and began to really consider what you wanted to go back to school for.
One night in late July, we walked the Berkeley Pier and talked about your options. It was between firefighter training and pursuing the management track at FedEx. By the end of the night, we decided on both! You knew FedEx was doable, but being part time and having low senority made it Plan B.
Fall semester, you dove right into taking firefighter program classes while seeking full time opportunities at FedEx. Times were getting harder during the Fall because your Best Buy hours were often getting cut drastically! I remember a couple of weeks they only scheduled you for 8 total hours! So, you signed up for extra hours at FedEx whenever you could.
So, with your hectic schedule, my crazy schedule, the girls attending 3 different schools, ministry work, hula, various school functions, a ton of family parties, and only one vehicle, we were the closest family ever! :) We did everything together, practically living in that Suburban! And when Alana moved upstairs, we gladly added her to the mix:)! She immediately became La's lil sissy, and Jin and Isa's big sissy!
Baby, I miss our hectic, broke, happy, blessed life together! If it meant we could have you back I'd leave our safe new home and go back to our Oakland life where we our cars constantly got broken into, random people would run thru our yard to get to the other side, and I seldom slept when you weren't home protecting us! Life just doesn't feel right without you here living it with us! Nothing seems to make sense anymore and all I do all day is reminisce about the times we shared together. And when I manage to think about other things, something triggers a memory, and I go right back to having you on the brain!
Today at Kaiser, I was just sitting in the dr's office and on her wall were folders w/ patient handouts. Some were for smokers, others were for arthritis and heart conditions and stuff. And one folder was labeled "MVA"! Idont know what it really stood for, but to me it was Mark Vita Aragon! Then there were the million Suburbans that kept driving by as I was waiting for Atch in the car, and the one just like ours that parked right in front of me! Then the flu shots we got...made me think about how sick you got when you got yours in October. And finally, as I drove past a McDonalds and Keila mentioned how you didn't get to enjoy this winters McRib! That was it for me and I started cry/laughing cuz I couldn't believe how present you were today! Atch was like "you're crying over a McRib?". LoL
I feel like your presence that I feel everyday is Gods way of reminding me that you're always with me. Just as God has revealed Himself to us over the past year+! That's why I haven't gone looney and depressed...because I never "lost" you. Just like I never lost my hope, joy, faith or my praise! I just miss the human version of you. But I thank God your spirit and our memories will never leave me. *Muah* I love you more;)!
December 7 at 12:43am
Heavenly Father, The pressure seems unbearable, but it has not crushed me. I am utterly confused and overwhelmed, but I have not given up. My distress is constant, but so are You. I have been forcefully struck down, but I am not destroyed. (Through a Season of Grief)
December 7 at 10:02pm
So, I wanted to start off by thanking you... I was running late for a 3o'clock appointment because the building I needed to be at was hard to find. When I finally found it, I parked at the far end of the parking lot and started power-walking to the office. Halfway there I started to wonder if I locked the doors. It was either 1-go to the appointment and pray no one decides to try and steal my car; or 2-run back and check. Luckily, your spirit, or the memory of you (whatever u wanna call it) reminded me of that trick you taught me! So I held the remote to my neck, pressed the lock button, and the "beep beep" confirmed that the car was secure! :) So, thanks baby!!! "I thank God everytime I remember you." Philippians 1:3
Now, can you PLEASE help me figure out how to setup this friggin wireless modem router internet thingy?!?!? Seriously!!! ;)
Today was a busy, busy day. One would think that the busyness would be a distraction from my grief, but NO! Not for this woman! If anything, it intensified it! I'm not only grieving losing you (singular)...I'm grieving the loss of the life we shared and each individual thing you were to me. My friend, my love, Papa to our girls, the garbage taker-outer, our personal security system, my personal trainer, my taste tester, my eye-cover-upper whenever Shemar Moore would come on screen while watching Criminal Minds LoL, my cheerer-upper, my comforter, our tech support, my encourager, a source of our entertainment, my lumpia wrapper, the one who knows me like no one else, and on and on and on... I'm grieving every quality of you!
"One reason grief disrupts so many aspects of your life is because your loss is not one isolated loss." (Through a Season of Grief)
Man, this sucks! Babe, I lost 10 pounds since my last Kaiser appt on 10/25! You said that for every 10 pounds lost, you'd take me out on a date! A real, thoughtfully planned out, romantic date;)! Not just our day-to-day kinda romantic mushiness. So not fair!!! But its all good though. I shall continue where we left off. I brought Keila to 24 today to add her membership. Sadly, I also had to cancel yours:(. But the sales guy said he thinks they can just transfer your membership to me! That would be so awesome, considering I pay $30/month and your dues are $50/YEAR! I should find out by the end of the week:)!
So, starting Monday (cuz we have a pretty busy rest of this week) La and I plan on dropping the girls off at school, then heading to the gym, then home so she can get ready for school which starts at noon. We want to do that M-F, but at least 3 days/week. The schedule will change once I start working and get back to school, but for now, it is what it is. :)
Please continue to remain my source of motivation thru this. It is still hard to think about my physical health when I'm an emotional wreck...especially when our plan was to get healthy so we can have a son (you were so sure we'd have a boy...!). But I know I gotta do it so I can have the energy and strength to be both Momma AND Papa to the girls, and to fulfill God's will for my life (like you did).
I love you more my suga-baby:)!
December 7 at 6:55pm
"All I want for Christmas is YOU...Baby!"
December 7 at 10:22pm
I became a 32 y/o widow & single-mother of 3 overnight! Don't take your LoVeS or your other many BLeSSiNGS for granted. Remember James 4:14.
December 8 at 9:31am
I don't want a lot 4 Christmas, there is just 1 thing I need. I don't care about the presents uderneath the Christmas tree.
December 8 at 9:33am
I just want you for my own, more than you could ever know. Make my wish come true...ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS MY MAN!
But like my sista said last night: "It's going to get dirty and I'll need a flat bed truck but okay...". LoL
THIS GRIEVING DURING THE HOLIDAYS STUFF SUCKS!!! :(
December 8 at 11:29am
"I miss you...most at Christmas time. And I can't get you-get you off my mind."
December 8 at 2:04pm
Remembering the days when Christmas music made me happy... The immense impact Mark Matthew Aragon had on my life is immesurable. ♥ijkl<3M♥ December 8 at 2:20pm
"I just want you here tonight, holding on to me so tight. What more can I do? Baby, all I want for Christmas is you. YOU, BABY!"
December 8 at 11:51pm
The closer we get to Christmas, the more crazy it gets. Today was another busy and emotional day. I completed 3 make-up quizzes, and have 2 finals to complete this week (possibly 3 if the instructor gets back to me). Luckily, the other instructors were compassionate enough to work with me in regards to the last month I did nothing at all!
Driving to Keila's school to drop her off, we listened to Mariah Carey's Christmas album. We got there prety early so we sat in the car and I tried my best to hold back the tears so she wouldn't worry, but right in the middle of O Holy Night, I just broke down! It wasn't even a mushy song like All I Want For Christmas or anything! Man, Christmas music used to trigger happy, joyful thoughts...but now, it just makes me sad thinking about our first Christmas without you. Christmas was your favorite holiday, New Years was "our" day, and Valentines Day was my fave! Now, considering how horribly I did on Thanksgiving, I'm sure it will just get worse with each coming holiday...
Keila and I were on our way to Borders in Elk Grove (again) when we found a Best Buy and decided to go in. This probably sounds wierd, but the smell as soon as we walked in reminded me of you! Walking around the store and seeing the workers in their uniforms reminded me of you! Walking thru the laptop area reminded me of the last time we did that! Seeing the kids playing on the game consoles that were setup reminded me of the times you'd pick us all up from school at your lunch break and we'd wait for you to finish your shift so the girls would play games while waiting! Overhearing conversations at the Geek Squad counter reminded me of all crazy-customer stories you'd tell me after a crazy day at work! Poor Keila kept asking "are you ok momma?"...I'm sure because she could see the emotion on my face.
So, for a while, I was thinking "Man, I wish our relationship wasn't as close to perfection as it was! Maybe I wouldn't painfully miss you so darn much!". Then I snapped out of it because if we weren't as happy and in LoVe as we were, I think it would hurt MORE because I'd have so many REGRETS to think about on top of MiSSing you like CRaZY! So, I'm convinced now more than ever that our pasts (no matter how painful) were meant to be. We met eachother when we were supposed to meet because we were ready to appreciate eachother and finally experience true love! God knew He'd call you home when He did so He gave you 3 amazing girls to live-out the Papa role that came so natural to you!
So ALL Glory, Honor and Praise to our Heavenly Father for ordering our steps the way He did since we took our first steps as babies! I thank the Lord for the good, the bad and everything in between because everything we experienced in our lives before we met molded and shaped us into the two parts of a perfect whole!
I thank God for YOU, everyday! I love you more my Matthew...
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