NYE

I don't like to talk about it, but, especially as the new year approaches, I keep beating myself up for NOT keeping you home just a minute...or even a couple seconds later on the horrible morning I lost you. I keep replaying in my head the conversation we had, the footsteps you took around the apartment while getting ready for work, the different things I could have said or done to keep you from being in that intersection at the time of the collision. Why, of all nights, didn't you hit the snooze button just one more time? And I blame myself because I went to make sure you got up the first time I heard the alarm go off. WHY did I do that? And why didn't I run out to you to continue 'arguing' over who loves who more? That alone would have kept you at least another minute away from 106th & MacArthur!

There's a constant battle in my head over this! Why did I have to remind you to get gas after worship rehearsal? Cuz if you didn't get it then, you would've been pulling into the gas station instead of driving thru that stop light!

I know in my heart that I shouldn't kill myself over this, but I can't turn the thoughts OFF! I miss you, I want you, and I need you so much babee! Your face, your voice, your comforting touch...its hard to just imagine having to live without it all, let alone accept that its reality...

This is the 1st New Year without you, and beneath this "strong and tough" exterior, I am a mess! I can't find any other way to explain it...I'm just a MESS!

I read this in my GriefShare book: "In God's economy you can't go back and say, 'I should have done this,' 'I should have done that,' I didn't do this right,'"..."because you did the best you could at the time that you did it. God knows your heart, and you can't live in a state of regret or wishing you had done something differently."

"Remember the good times, and counter your 'if onlys' with Scripture. God's Word is powerful and will help you conquer the negative thouhts that play in your head. Replace harmful thoughts with God's healing words."

Ephesians 4:22-24 You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness."

Babee, I know this and believe it to be Gospel-Truth, and I'm praying for some DIVINE INTERVENTION to keep my mind free from the thoughts of self-condemnation! I need your help with this! I NEED YOU!

Loving you more every second...