Time to get a life!

Sunday - TKB
Tuesday - Hot Hula & Amp'd Abs
Wednesday - 30 minute powerwalk on the treadmill...half the time at a 5% incline

I'm beginning to love the emotion-vacations I've been taking at the gym. When I'm there, I simply have FUN! Pain and all - I LOVE IT!!! I don't care much for the machines right now though. While on the treadmill Wednesday, all I could do was look around and gym and talk to myself (in my head, of course) about you. I could almost see you working out w/ that constipated look on your face from all the weight you' lift! LoL I thought of how often you'd see people you knew at 24 and would spend some time catching up in between sets. I guess it didn't help any that I have control over what I play on my ipod, considering everything in it reminds me of you too!

Tomorrow, Lala and I are gonna do the BodyPump & Zumba classes back to back. CRAZY, right?!?! YES! We're crazy...but I love that the old me wouldn't of even considered doing it, yet the new me is the one who thought of it! :) OK - enough about that. I just had to put it out there to keep me accountable! LoL

Your headstone was finally placed today. Al tagged me in a picture of it and I am soooooooo lucky I was by myself when I saw it! I fell-out! Bigtime! Kinda like I did on Thanksgiving. I was in my car and the second I looked at it, it was almost like I got mad! Seeing you for the first time after you passed away, the viewings, the funeral and even the burial weren't enough to let it all sink in. The fact that EVERYTHING has changed...new home, schools, car, daily routine, and the fact that I haven't heard your voice, felt your touch or seen your face since 11/4...NONE of that made the denial go away! But seeing that picture made me so mad because it somehow finally clicked, and I didn't want it to. So I sat in my car crying. The out-loud kind of crying, not caring that people outside my car thought I was crazy. I just let it all out. Then, I felt better.

I don't know how to explain it, but something changed in me when I saw that your headstone was placed. Nothing wierd or crazy or anything...I guess I just feel "OK" to start creating new patterns in our household. For some reason I've been holding on to our old patterns and routines and I found it really hard to be OK with the changes that had to be made now that you're not here. I almost felt guilty as if moving-on in life was a bad thing, or that it meant I was over you and all that we had together.

This sense of peace came over me and now I'm ready to live again! Imma get me a job (hopefully VERY soon!), get healthy, finish school, get back into ministry and get mentored/discipled until I'm ready to do the mentoring/discipling:). It's so exciting to think about! I know it won't all happen overnight, but "seeing the light" is so comforting! I still miss you like crazy, see you everywhere I go, and think of you all day/everyday, but I don't feel lost anymore...

My prayer tonight is that I wake-up feeling this good. I kind of hesitated a bit before writing you about all this because it could be just another loop on the rollercoaster I've been on. But even if it is, it's how I feel tonight and I wanted you to know:).

I'm gonna head to bed now hun. Next time you chat with JC over an upside-down-caramel-macchiato, please ask Him for continued guidance and favor over the girls and I. Goodnight babee - I just blew 10 kisses up to Heaven just for you! 1434

Proud Momma

My oh my babee...Our Lala is all grown up! It seems like just yesterday when she was sooooo nervous about starting middle school! Now she's getting accepted into CSU's!

I'm so proud of her, and I know you are too. She was bummed for a while because she wished she could've shared her first acceptance with the both of us. I'll admit, while I was so excited for her, it did sting a bit that you werent there. I held back the tears until she left the room, come to find out she did the same. BUT, aside from missing you experiencing this milestone with us, she is really getting excited! For college, and for her future! Its all happening so fast but I'm certain its exactly what she needs after all she's been thru. I'm the proudest momma ever!

Lala's been thru sooooooo much in her young life! We've been so blessed that she didnt turn out a mess!!! I look at other girls her age who have been thru half of what she's gone thru and many are spiteful, fast, bitter and disrespectful girls who blame the world for all their hardships (and aint ashamed to let it be known!). But not our Lala! Last night (this morning) she tweeted: "I might not have a lot but I have sooo much more than I would ever need, & more than a lot of people have. It's weird to think about". Not many 17 year old girls have that mindset! Especially after losing someone who was such a huge part of her life!

I learn a lot from her everyday. She's taught me a lot about myself! She even inspires me to be a better me. She is who I wish I was at her age! Isa and Jin are so lucky to have her to look up to...

I have you to thank for so much, but the thing that sticks out in my mind the most right now is the impact you had on her life. You were her protector, comforter, tutor, and most importantly, a person she could trust. Because of you, I dont have the worries many mothers face at this stage of parenthood! Your dedication to being the best Papa you could be is something she will forever cherish and carry with her the rest of her life. (As Will Isa, Jin and I!)

Keila's life is a true and LOUD testimony to the power of prayer and a BIG love for the Lord! It is only thru HIM that she is so willing and able to resist many of the temptations of being a teenage girl in this broken world. When she falls, she never forgets who's arms are always there to pick her up, and thats such a God-thang! There are many adults, including me at times, who let their failures overcome them and end up feeling guilty and unworthy of God's love and care...but Lala knows "whose" she is!

Its so hard to imagine her away for college...BUT, like you always told me over the last year, its the best thing for her! She's got such a bright future ahead of her and I cant wait to see what the Lord has in store for her! She's gonna continue to make the world a better place and I'm so thankfully blessed to have the privlege of being her momma!

Goodnight for now baby...1434.

Valentines Day 2007 Pics:)

I'm reposting my November 30th post about Valentines Day 2007 back in SoCal. I FOUND PICTURES!!! :)

2/17/07: I took on a temp graveyard shift because the lab asked for help, so after a long day of work on the 16th, followed by a 6 hour graveyard shift doing data entry, I came home to a candle-lit dining room covered in rose petals, 2 dozen red roses in a beautiful vase, balloons and Gato Barbieri's smooth saxaphone playing on the stereo. Isa & Jin were away for the weekend, and you and Lala managed to keep your plans a suprise! Lala helped w/ the decorations, while you cooked-up a delicious white clam sauce over fettucine and veggies. The 3 of us talked and ate our 'dinner for breakfast', you and I slow danced while Lala cleared the table, then both of you tucked me in to sleep.

Thinking of that day, and the other days like it, make me so happy! We were such a happy couple because both of us shared the same primary "love language"...QUALITY TIME! Our happiness wasn't dependent on where we were, what we owned, or how much $ we had - in fact, we never did have much. But the quality time we spent both as a couple AND also as a family is what kept our love growing strong everyday! The appreciation, respect and loyalty we have for one another are additional benefits that make it so easy to love eachother while here on earth, and the memories of the times we shared will keep you alive in my mind and heart until we meet again! Like I tweeted on Valentines Day 2010 "I LoVe that I'm so in LoVe" ...with a man so in love with me.

The BEAUTIFUL roses! This pic reminded me of how we wanted to develop a liking for wine, so we started with the cheap fruity stuff! LoL Eventually, we grew to love the Merlot's and Cab's...I'm gonna miss wine tasting in Napa w/ you:(.

Yummy homemade clam chowed in a bread bowl:). I don't remember what was in the bowl in the corner?!?

This pic cracks me up. It must've been Keila who put all the stuffed animals on the chairs:) LoL

Valentines Day 2011

...our First one without you. It was definately a struggle, but so blessed at the same time! I hope you like the roses we brought you. Annah, Amaya, Lana, Lala, Jin, Isa & I spent the day in our old hood. We saw your mom and dad at the cemetary which was nice...then we went to Sushi House! No one was brave enough to order the "Hella Hot" roll, but I almost got Keila to;). Afterwards we went to Loards and had some ice cream. We sat at our usual table too, which was nice:).

Thank you for stopping the rain for a bit so we could take some pictures of the roses formed as a heart with an "M" in the middle. It was nice.

Angie and Annah had a lot to do with making this weekend a great one for us! I made a couple batches of enchilladas on Saturday...YES! I finally cooked!!! They turned out yummy, even without your special touch. I swear Imma end up with carpal tunnel from mixing stuff that you used to do for me! LoL

Anyways babee...Happy Valentines Day again. I said earlier that the reason it was raining is because you were crying. I'd like to think you're up there wishing you were here to celebrate with us. You stopped crying when we got to you, then started up again when we made the heart of roses. You cry baby!!! LoL

Now that the day is almost over, Imma go back to the way it should be and LOVE YOU MORE! ;)

1st Valentines Day

The ONLY reason I know this pain it tolerable is because God said so. His Word tells me that whatever He brings me to, He'll bring me through. I may never get over this grief, but I will get through it just like it says in Phillipians 4:13, "I can do all things through CHRIST who strengthens me."

I feel an emptiness right now that words can't express. The same emptiness I felt when you left...almost like it's November 4, 2010 all over again! Of all the days of the year, February 14th is the day we celebrated our love. More than March 11 (the day we met), and March 24 (the day we got married). Valentines Day was the day we celebrated US!

The Lord truly must think I'm a superwoman to have taken you from me right after my birthday, and right before Thanksgiving, Isa's 10th birthday, Christmas, New Years, Valentines Day, Jin's 13th birthday, Lala's high school graduation and her 18th birthday. This year of significant "firsts" has so far seemed unbearable most of the time, but I doubt I've even touched the surface of the pain to come.

Today is Valentines Day. OUR day. As much as I dont want to dread every Valentines Day to come, its hard to even imagine otherwise. I wish so much that I could have your arms around me just one last time. To hold your face in my hands to tell you how much I love you and how thankful I am to you for choosing ME to love and cherish for the rest of your life. I think I could manage to get it all out in one minute max if thats what it would take for God to allow it...

Missing you hurts so much. Not having you here with me, especially today, is so painful. I want to sleep so bad and wakeup with you beside me with a red rose, a card, and an "I love you babee." But reality is that that wont happen so I cant sleep. All I can do is replay memories from our past Valentines Days and hold them with all my strength and never let them go.

Babee, just know that these tears are a celebration of YOU and the love we share. NO ONE but Christ can possibly comprehend the way I feel right now, and while thats a comfort to know...that He knows my heart...it doesnt soothe the pain. This pain is here because our love was THAT rare! There is no earthly remedy for it...nothing here can fill the void created when you died! All I can do is cling to the Father and stand firm on His promises until the day we meet again.

I think that just for today, I'll let you win...you love me more. Happy Valentines Day, my love.

2 more hours...(From Mark's FB wall.)

Valentines Day starts in 2 hours. By now, you would have already blown whatever suprise you had in store for me because I hate suprises and you can't keep secrets:)! LoL You'd start if off by saying "I have a suprise for you", then I'd ask for hints, you'd give the craziest hints, I'd beg you to tell me till I'd finally drop it. When I'd drop it, you'd bring it up again...like you WANTED to tell me:). Finally, you'd give-in. No matter what though, whether you'd suprise me or not, Valentines Day was ALWAYS special. I've done pretty good this weekend considering it's VDay weekend. Angie Portacio and Annah Matsuhara have kept me distracted enough. But now it's beginning to sink in. I miss you SO VERY MUCH. I miss the butterflies I'd get on special days like this when I'd fall in love with you all over again. I miss you telling me to look at you when you were talking to me and tell me how much you love me. I miss you so much it hurts...badly. 1434