My Prayer

Dear Heavenly Father,

I miss my man so much...I know I have to learn to live with this pain knowing theres no cure for it and it wont ever go away. But how do I do that? Not knowing is killing me inside. I want to do whatever it takes, but not knowing what "whatever" is just intensifies the ache and no matter what I do or plan on doing I find myself back where I started-not knowing what to do.

Father, you created him just for me. You ordered our steps through our pasts to prepare us for the unique love we were to find in eachother. Then you brought us together and taught us to cling to You as a family. Everything began to fall in place as we (finally) understood what it meant to have YOU in the center of absolutely everything. Then you took Him from us.

I know Lord that in reality, I am just a sinner saved by your grace and that everything I had, have and will ever have are nothing compared to what I'll find in Heaven one day. I understand that you give and take away according to your will and that in everything, including trials, there are blessings in store. But how do I learn to live with this pain? When will I know how I'm supposed to live day to day? Just the mere thought of having to function in this world - just like everybody else - but with the constant pain that there are no pills, therapies or surgery for relief is exhausting as is!

Father, I need your guidance. I need to see your gigantic footprints all over my life and the girls' lives so we know how to follow.

Dear God, you know my heart. I know all too well how it is to be a "lost soul". I don't wanna go there again! I don't wanna lose site of YOU, your Word, and your promises. But I feel like I'm at a point in my life where I need you to spell it out for me! Maybe not literally (although that would be really nice), but some obvious signs pointing me in the right direction to that path of your will.

Father, I'm exhausted. Sleepless nights, the tears and the lonliness has seriously set in in a big way, but I don't want to fail you. I'm a mess, my situation is a mess, and I need your help to find my way. I'm tired of the days and nights passing me by while I just sit back and watch. I need a job, I need to get healthy, and I need your grace, mercy and strength to learn how to live the rest of my time on this earth with this pain that you find me capable of withstanding.

I lay all this at your feet.

Your crazy kid,

Leila

OK with "Crazy"

I always miss you, but I thought I'd share what I'm missing the most right this moment. The girls and I are chillin, watching tv. They're sitting on the floor and I'm on the couch behind them. This reminds me of those moments we'd all hang out together. All of us-IJKL&M!

What I miss the most about those times is having your arms around me. You always held me! Even the times I'd be hot and sweaty...you never cared. You always wanted to hold me. And all the times I whined about you smelling like FedEx (lol)-you'd wash up and come right back to me and hold me.

You always made me feel so beautiful, loved, desired and safe- A million times more than I ever did before you came into my life, and regardless of what I felt about myself or saw in the mirror. I miss feeling that way.

***

Whew! I just took a break from writing. Our poor girls...they feel so bad when I cry, especially when I cry out loud. But I had "the talk" with them about how it's good for me and an important part of the grieving process for me to just let it out-wherever, and whenever.

I've done a lot of crying in the last couple of weeks. The tears kinda lessened for a while, but lately they've been overflowing. Its weird though...one minute I'll be crackin up with the kids, then a memory of you will pop into my head and I'll start crying, the next minute I'll be talking about how I want to start a veggie garden after allergy season!

Even though that all sounds crazy, part of the "new me" requires being OK with crazy:). For instance, right now my eyes may be raw and sore from crying (and allergies too), but I feel soooooo good to have taken that 10 minutes to just cry! I'm crying because I miss you, not because I feel sorry for myself. These tears that are well-deserved because of the rare love we shared...because I miss that. Not that the love isn't there anymore...but now, without you physically here I can't see, hear or feel it like I'm so used to.

I'm learning to LIVE with pain and no longer trying to live denying the pain.

Goodnight booboose. 1434

Good-Bad Day

Today was wierd...most of the day was painful, but there were quite a few happy moments. I guess you can say I had a good bad day. I'm not gonna waste finger-energy on the bad cuz I'll end up with carpal tunnel and I don't wanna think about it all anyways.

Keila and I picked-up Monse from the airport at noon. I love my Monse:)! She's such a breath of fresh air. After that, we went to the Haights to kill time before picking-up Isa and Jin from school. We got to hang out...I had a good bad cry...and found my way to Cassie's heart - she's super ticklish on her feet! :) Oh, that little girl. She's even cute when she's grumpy! LoL

Then we picked-up the girls and came home. Next thing I knew, Rydia and Serena (Keila's bff's from elementary school) came over. I heard "where's mama?", then Rydia came up to me with a beautiful basket of flowers, a balloon, and FERRERO ROCHER's! Oh boy...this girl knows how to make me smile:). It was the sweetest unexpected thing ever! I just love having kids I didn't give birth to:) LoL.

So, the big girls went out to eat. An hour later they dropped off some WING STOP! Goodness gracious - this is when I realized that God sent her over to put a smile on my face! The girls and I ate then headed to AWANAs. I dropped the girls off and hung out at Peet's coffee and read.

After AWANAs, the girls both came to the car with HUGE smiles! Jincompleted her Trek book and memorized SEVENTY-EIGHT Scripture verses, and Isa memorized FORTY-EIGHT! That's way more than I've memorized myself, and I'm a little older than them (wink-wink). And not just memorized either...they've studied these verses most nights each week right after doing their homework - like clockwork. They sure make me wanna step-up my game! I love being inspired by the girls. It's such a blessing.

So those were the highlights. I definately havn't lost sight of my blessings (Thank GOD). There is one thing that has stuck with me since this afternoon. Ate Sette and I were talking about a conversation she had with a friend of hers who's a widow too. She told Ate Sette something along the lines of as a widow, we have to learn to live with pain. Wow! That is such a profound truth!

My pain and longing for you will never go away, but I must learn to live despite it all. There's no way around it. I have to find a way to make it through for myself, the kids, and in order for God to use me in whatever way He see's fit. After six months, I still don't know how to live or where I'm going without you. But I need to hurry up and figure it out! So, I've decided that today, your 6 month Hb'day, will mark the beginning of a new me. I don't know yet what that means, exactly...but I will consciously make efforts throughout each day to learning how to LIVE WITH PAIN.

I miss you with all my mind, heart and soul...1434.

Coulda, shoulda, woulda!

6 months ago, right about this time, I should have went to the suburban and slashed the tires... Coulda, shoulda, woulda! As usual, I miss you SOOOO VERY MUCH-it hurts so very much. 1434

From my FB status posted Wednesday, 05/04/11 at 3:40am:
So I'm sittin here chillin cuz I can't sleep. It's my man's 6 month Hb'day, close to the same time I got the notification. Out of nowhere, the wind blew the front door wide open. It wasn't locked & doesn't close all the way unless it is locked, but really? Seriously? AND I'm sitting on the same couch I was sleeping on when I got the "knock on the door". My babee's messin w/ me! Oh Mark Aragon...SMH! LoL

6 Month Crazy Talk

I can't believe its been 6 whole months! I still catch myself feeling like you're away on a trip and are coming back to us. Thinking that way helps me get by day to day. Is that wrong? Am I doing more harm than good? If I am, how do I change it? I haven't figured out how to live without you. Will I ever?

I miss coming to you to talk me thru life situations and mishaps. I'm dependent on you telling me what to do, say and how to act when I didn't know what to do say or how to act in certain situations. And sometimes, you'd have to point things out that were right in front of me but I overlooked them because I was too busy trying to figure things out.

There is so much going on in my life right now, but without you here to go thru it with me and see what I can't see I'm just trying not to deal with it all. I lean on the Lord and continue to strengthen my faith, but the whatever I do accomplish each day has everything to do with God's strength (NOT my own), and my refusal to accept that you're not coming back. It makes no sense, but it is what it is. I feel like I'm taking all the right steps, but in reality I'm just on a treadmill not going anywhere. It's like I'm studying the Word while waiting up for you to come home late so we can figure things out.

I feel like a loony toon for knowing you're not coming back, while kidding myself into feeling like you are. Again-I'm making no sense to myself, but I'm sure you're getting me. It's like how I can set our clock 15 minutes ahead...sometimes I'd fall for it when the alarm goes off, sometimes I won't.

I've heard so much nonsense about how "it gets easier after 6 months", or "things will be back to normal". The people who believe that mess must not have ever lost someone so special in their lives! Or am I the exception? Am I the only one who continues to hold on after "all this time"?

Soooooooo many thoughts and questions are racing thru my mind as we are just hours away from your 6 month Heavenly birthday. I'd give anything to hear your voice as you give me all the answers. I need my man. The girls need their Papa. Shoot-the girls need their Mama AND Papa! This grieving single-mama business ain't working!

Anyways...I'm sorry to have rained on whatever 6 month Hb'day celebration you're having up there. I am glad you are in a better place experiencing unfathomable joy and happiness. I just don't want to accept it quite yet.

You're still my everything...1434.

Oh Monday!

When I woke up this morning, I had one of those allergy-induced SCREAMING headaches and I couldn't open my eyes without wanting to vomit!!! It was horrible! When Jin came to get me to bring her and Isa to school, I just couldnt:(. There was no way I could've safely drove them to school. I was kicking myself for spending soooooo much time in the backyard yesterday while Keila was in cotillion practice! It was nice though...I got to catch up with Ate Lane who's been hustlin big-time with school, work, and being all that she is...Super Woman!!!

Anyways, so Jin got me some medicine, made me an ice pack for the back of my neck and dug her fist into my head till I fell back asleep. I woke up 2 hours later feeling much better.

When I got downstairs, Isa was knocked out on the couch, Nick was outside mowing our lawn, and Jin was outside playing with her cousins. I woke Isa up and brought her and Jin to school after Nick and I ran thru all the handy-man things I need done in the house. I'm so blessed to have the Haights so close:). Our grass was beyond embarrassing! LoL

Then, Keila and I ran to the store and got stuff for our Club Aragon Taco Night. We had slow-cooked pork, taco beef and all the fixins. Keila even made her famous guac (don't worry, I didn't have any).

Pare Ron and Mare Christy came over with Noah in the afternoon to do Keila's photo shoot for her senior portraits. It was so nice to have them over! But I was MAD cuz they didn't listen to me and ate before coming over?!?! ;) I thought about that one time we went to their house in Hercules to chill while Keila was at the church teaching Vacation Bible School. We brought some marinated chicken to grill and just grubbed and kicked-it. I pulled up the picture you uploaded to FB and just stared at it as I remembered the good time we had...trying to remember everything from that visit from things you said to what you were wearing. Man, I wish I had running video of you 24/7/365...

I WAS planning on going to the Dance Party Xtreme class at 24, but the photo shoot took longer than expected. I did start to get a bit lazy, but ended up going to the gym anyways to go some cardio. I'll make up for not getting a full workout tomorrow though. Emily texted me to let me know she has a slot open for me at 10, so I'll have training in the morning AND Hot Hula at night.

The Lail's are coming to visit tomorrow too. I wish I could spend more time with them cuz they'll be off to Angola soon...but I know they have a lot on their plates with the cotillion coming up, Gab's finishing up high school and being UC Irvine-bound, on top of Atch and Dave getting ready for the big move to Angola! Man!!! What am I gonna do when they're so far away?!?!?

Anyways, I'm sitting in my car typing in front of the gym cuz I know that once I get home, imma KO...so, I'll cut it now.

Goodnight sweetheart. Chat w/ you tomorrow:). 1434

Lei Day

It's May already babe! Today was so exhausting, but I'll never forget all the May 1sts you celebrated me:). Nothing extravagant or anything, just special. I was just reminiscing about sitting at my computer last year and a notification popped up at midnight with a message saying "Happy Lei Day babee! Now stop studying and get some rest. I luv you Booboose!"

I wonder if a message would've popped up this year. I wish I still had my old laptop running... Then again, I probably woulda freaked out if one did! LoL

Goodnight babee. 1434