ZzzzzZzZzzZzzzzzz...

Its almost 5, and I cant sleep! So, I'm just gonna try to stay up till its time to take the lil ones to school...

We went to watch Angeline cheer last night. It was the cutest thing ever! Lala, Jin & Isa each made posters that read "Go Angeline"! Seeing her face light up with that huge beautiful smile when she saw them was absolutely priceless! After the game, we went and chilled at TapEx. I laughed when Kristine ordered an avocado smoothie w/ boba. Thats what you loved to get, if you weren't in the mood for your usual strawberry snow bubble w/ boba;).

Kristine and I chatted while our girls played board games and took pictures of themselves. All the laughter was such a pleasure to hear:). And the conversation between "Fave" and I was awesome, as usual! She misses you like crazy...but man-oh-man, she's a ROCK! Having her in my life is such a blessing.

She helped me realize what most-likely happened to the hard drive I've been searching for! The one you put all your important stuff and backup files on. I cant believe it didnt dawn on me before, but you often had it with you wherever you went in case you needed something on it and I can remember times you'd put it in the glove compartment, the middle console, or in the pockets behind the seats or in the trunk of the suburban! (Thank God I used your hard drive with all the music and some pictures on it on 11/3 cuz otherwise you woulda had that one too!) So, now we can asume that whoever found your blackberry somewhere around 106th & MacArthur also has your hard drive! I believe theres a lot of foot traffic in that area everyday, so it could be anybody! Oh well...

It's 5:24 now, and my eyes are finally getting heavy. Its gonna be a pain to have to wake up at 7:30 to bring the girls to school, but I am officially ready to go meme, so can you give me a wakeup call at 7:30 then again at 7:45 to make sure I didnt go back to sleep please? LoL I WISH!

I'll be back later babee...1434

Happy 4 Month Heavenly Birthday Babee...

If you were here with me right now, I'd stare into your beautiful hazel eyes and sing this to you...

BETTER ME, by Keyshia Cole

Never known nobody else
That knows me even more than
I know myself
And I'm still trying to see
What you see in me

You understand
The one I am
And you are the one
You changed me with your love

You make me wanna be a better me
You make me wanna get it right
And be the one who deserves to be
The one who is in your life

You make me wanna be the one you see
Who's beautiful in your eye
You make me wanna be a better me
You make me feel I'm 10 fet tall

You make me think I can do anything at all
And I'm here to make sure you find
All you need in me

Because you give the love
That lifts me up
I swear to you right now
I won't let you down

You make me wanna be a better me
You make me wanna get it right
And be the one who deserves to be
The one who is in your life

You make me wanna be the one you see
Who's beautiful in your eyes
You make me wanna be a better me

You keep me strong
You keep me on track
What you give
I wanna give back

Thank God for yoooou !

You make me wanna be better me...

*

I bought this cd today...never heard any song off it, just saw it in Walmart and picked it up. Now I know why.

I love you more baby-love. Happy H-b'day.

Fly like a G6

I remember sitting in the Skyline High School parking lot waiting for Keila to get outta school and the "Fly like a G6" song came on the radio. I couldn't remember what a G6 was, so I asked you and you couldn't remember either. So, I went back to reading my book. Then I got a text from you (while sitting right next to you) w/ a link to some website defining it. LoL

I cracked-up so hard because it was so cute!!! I miss how you would remind us of that one cell phone commercial where a husband was so in-to his phone that when he and his wife were standing in front of a movie theater, he HAD TO use his phone to look-up movie times still! LoL That was sooooooooo my geek-man:)

Aaaahhh...I miss your geekiness. 1434

Back, Back, Forth & Forth

Day 108

Do not be discouraged if it feels as though you are going backward at times--sometimes forward, sometimes backward. That is the natural process of grief.

If you are bringing your hurts and fears to God, if you desire to move forward toward healing, if you are learning about the grieving process and trying to apply some things you have learned, then you are making progress, even when you do not feel you are.

Dora, whose daughter passed away, says, "Sometimes you will think, Last week I could cope with this, and this week I can't, and then you'll think, I'm not getting any better. I'm not making any progress. Then you'll take a big leap forward. There's no timeline."

You, too, will take that big leap forward as time goes on. For now, concentrate on the small victories over the pain--fewer tears, a smile, helping another person, reading and understanding a Bible passage, replacing a negative thought with a positive thought, forgiving a wrong.

"We also pray that you will be strengthened with his glorious power so that you will have all the patience and endurance you need" (Colossians 1:11 NLT).

Father God, when I get discouraged because it feels like I'm going backward and not forward, help me to stop trying so hard and allow You to be my support and strength. Amen

Man, these GriefShare emails have been "right on time" lately!!! This one, in particular, totally speaks to my heart! Whoever's sending these emails must be reading my blog! LoL

Reading through my posts, I can see all the ups and downs...but the most encouraging thing I can tell is that my ability to function in "life" just keeps getting better and better! I could barely manage to take care of myself in November! But I started progressing in December, and by January I no longer required 24-hour supervision. January is when I started to get on somewhat of a schedule with the girls school schedule. It was tough, I ain't gonna lie! Especially with the insomnia! But I'm a momma and had to get my girls to and from school regardless.

February came around and A LOT changed, like I mentioned yesterday! Missing you didn't change, nor did the sadness and pain that came along with it. But while I felt like things were getting worse, they were actually getting better in a way. I think the more productive I get - the more "normal" things I do throughout the day, the more reasons I find to miss you more. All the things that the girls and I have to do now that you used to do, and all the things we used to do together that we now have to do without you...these are the things we we're running into more and more these days. The "firsts" always make us stop and reminisce...sometimes cry. But then we get back to the daily grind until the next "first".

I figure March will be a lot like February. In fact, I think it'll be this way until I finally land a job and things get even more "normal". All I know is that I'm not scared of rollercoasters like I used to be thanks to the ride I've been on since 11/4/2010, and the ride won't be stopping anytime soon.

1434

March? Seriously?

March snuck up on me. I thought that after the holidays...your 3 month Heavenly b'day...and Valentines Day I'd be prepared for March. But no, I'm not!

Your 4 month H-b'day is in a couple days, followed by what would've been your 33rd b'day, then the 7 year anniversary of the day we met (which we considered our anniversary because it's the day that our lives forever changed, even as "just friends"), then our wedding anniversary on the 24th. Call me crazy, but thats a lot to take-in! In just the month of March!

I'm praying I dont get all messed-up all over again... I should be fine considering I've progressed so much in the last month or so. I have a mentor now who's helping me grow in my faith and through my grief, Annah & I started a BFF Bible study on the book of Philippians, Keila and I have started working out regularly, I've gotten a lot more sleep than usual, school started for me today, and I'm more active in my job search. Thats a lot of progress, if you ask me!

I'm still at war though. Theres a constant, daily battle within me that makes everything else in my life so hard to get through! Sometimes I feel like its just so much easier to act like you're just on vacation or a business trip or something and that you'll be back to make things better like you always do. Its so much simpler to do that! But I fight each day and have to remind myself that you arent coming back and I wont get to see you again until the Lord calls me home...to your arms, and in His care.

I had a nice, peaceful time gazing at the 2 stars I found last night. I just sat there reminiscing about our relationship since day 1, and although tears fell, it was so soothing. I laughed thinking about how ticklish you are, shook my head at all the times you would leave the toilet seat up in a house full of girls, felt all warm and fuzzy from all your romantic gestures, kicked myself thinking of any stupid misunderstandings we had, and cried wishing we could do it all over again...

I miss you, I love you, I miss you more, and I love you more honeylicious!

Wishin for stars...

"But About midnight Paul and Silas were praying and singing hymns of praise to God, and the prisoners were listening to them; and suddenly there came a great earthquake, so that the foundations of the prisonhouse were shaken; and immediately all the doors were opened and everyone's chains were unfastened." Acts 16:25-26

Annah and I just started a study on Philippians called Experiencing God's Peace. I'm on the first chapter now and one of the key passages is Acts 16:25-26. This passage reminds me of the song "Shake the Foundation" by Joe Pace. (Now that's a CD that was on constant replay in our car for the longest time!) Its so encouraging to know how Paul and Silas handled the painful and difficult circumstances they were in! It gives me such hope and encouragement...

Tonight is one of those nights I wish there were at least one star in the sky for me to gaze at and talk to you...but writing to you always works too. I went to Tito Toti's viewing earlier with Mama and Lala. It was the third one in less than four months babee! Including yours and Uncle Alvin's!

When I saw Tita Cora, she wrapped her arms around me and asked me how I "do it"! How I make it thru each day without you. After 61 years of marriage, she lost the love of her life so suddenly... One minute, he's in Kaiser to be treated for pain, finds out he has cancer, and died 23 hours later! Devastating!

I wished there were words I could speak into her life to comfort her, but there werent. She told me that she still looks at his chair and talks to him...asks if he wants coffee...asks if he wants to watch the game... Its so sad! I gave her a GriefShare devotional and told her how it helps me tremendously since you passed away. And I shared with her some of the ways I "do it", like writing to you and visiting some of the special places that we made memories. But it seems like all I managed to do was assure her that this is the most difficult thing she'll ever experience in her life.

I thought about Auntie Kim, who lost Uncle Alvin after many years of marriage and caring for him so selflessly during his last years after the stroke. After four years of praying he'll get better, but knowing in her heart that his time was coming...

The three of us experienced our losses in such different ways, yet each left us grieving widows who miss our husbands dearly. They have many years of memories, as do their children and grandchildren. We have a "few" years of many memories...and many years ahead to grieve over the future we would have shared together. Neither is harder nor easier than the other, as far as I'm concerned.

Its so hard to even imagine "JOY" in all this! How am I supposed to be happy when even my best day is horrible without you here to experience it with me? Since I was a little girl, music had been my outlet. I would analyze and reflect on the lyrics of even the saddest songs to put myself in the shoes of the writer, and it would bring me peace. Nowadays, even worship songs remind me of the desparate place I'm in! They still put me in a state of awe and praise, but sadness at the same time! They remind me of the biggest reason I need His love, grace and strength right now which is to get through life here on earth as a child of God who's heart is aching so terribly.

Rather than getting "easier", I'm finding that its getting tougher to deal each day. I keep finding more and more secondary losses to deal with. I went thru a long list before, but I keep coming up with more! Some of the stuff may seem silly or minor, but still significant in terms of our grief. Like losing the man who would make sure all the doors and windows are locked at night; losing the geek who would troubleshoot our comcast issues then call them and talk all that techy stuff till the problem is fixed; losing my personal masseuse who would "chop-chop" my back when it would ache; losing the only tall person in the house who would easily grab stuff from high shelves when needed; losing mr. Muscles who would do any heavy lifting or moving of furniture when needed; and the list will continue to grow and grow...

Jin shared with me a couple letters she wrote to you in her private journal. She wrote out a list of things she misses most about you and said:
"Even though our family and other people can do those things for us, no one in my life could ever do it the way that you did...I would give up anything to go back to the way it was before...nothing compares to living with you here with us. It might feel like we have everything that we ever needed right now, but I feel that without you here anymore my life isn't complete." The following entry she mentions "When you were still here we used to talk about a bunch of stuff. We would talk about our relationship, about church, school, sports, and about how much you loved and cared about us."

Babee...I would give anything to take away the pain our girls are feeling. We ALL miss you so much, and that will never change. Please sprinkle some of your quiet strength on us each day to get us by. 1434

Forgive

Emotional Safety Valve #2: Forgive
GriefShare Day 104

Forgiveness is getting your heart right with God by making the choice to forgive others and by receiving His forgiveness. Forgiveness does not mean you are relieving someone of responsibility for his or her actions. Forgiveness does not necessarily mean you trust that person. Forgiveness is the act of letting God's love flow through you.

Think about the above definition for a moment.

Doug Easterday says, "You're not alleviating responsibility from anyone by forgiving them. You are transferring it to where it really belongs and that's with God. They will answer to God someday, but if you're requiring them to answer to you, then you have as big a problem as they do."

Forgiveness is obedience to God.

"Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, 'Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?' Jesus answered, 'I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times'" (Matthew 18:21-22).

***

Does this include having to forgive myself for the coulda, shoulds, woulda's I keep beating myself up for??? Gosh, I need you now, more than ever! 1434