Friday, January 21, 2011

I love you, I do

December 2006, Edwards Movie Theaters at the Irvine Spectrum...it was just you, me and Keila. We got to the theater SUPER early because we thought it was gonna be packed for the Dream Girls showing. We were in our seats a whole hour before the movie started and we were the only ones in there for at least 30 minutes...so we started getting crazy restless.

You turned into the tickle monster, and I started throwing things into the seats in front of us and making Keila find em in the very dim light. As I was trying to fight one of her shoes off to throw it, I broke my nail. Actually, it literally and completely came off! We had been laughing so hard, it took a while for the intense pain to sink in, but it did and I started laugh-crying. I have a high tolerance for pain, so you freaked out when you saw me obviously trying to mask my pain by fake-laughing. At this point, I hadn't noticed the nail was completely bent back yet...you took my hand to look at it using your phone as a light and told me. You ran out to find a first aid kit and came back with one and a cup of ice. You put a bandaid on my booboo, kissed it and said "i'm so sorry baby". You always apologized when I hurt...YOU hurt whenever I hurt! That was hard for me to see at the beginning of our relationship, but I eventually realized that it was one of the many ways you expressed your love for me.

Throughout the movie, you kept asking me how I was and taking my hand out of the cup of ice to kiss it...I was in some mad pain, but I felt so comfortable and safe because you were by my side.

Thats the feeling you gave all of us. You made us feel safe by your presence. You werent some crazy thug that everyone was afraid of, you just loved us so much that we knew you'd keep us from harm as long as you could control. WE MISS THAT FEELING SO VERY MUCH! I cant imagine we'll ever feel that way again...truly safe. At least me...I pray everyday for the girls future husbands. I pray that they all were born on March 10, love techy stuff, cherish friendships forever, and love whoppers-no cheese! Seriously though...I really do have conversations with Jesus about our future son-in-laws, but he probably told you about that already. I pray that they are each just like you. Exact duplicates of you, if possible...

The song that conjured up these memories was "I Love You, I Do", sung by Jennifer Hudson on Dream Girls. This was my song to you for the longest time...until the girls got so sick of it and made sure it no longer was played around me;). Just picture me serenading you like old times... 1434.

Never met a man quite like you
Doing all he can
Making my dreams come true
You’re strong and you’re smart
You've taken my heart
And I give you the rest of me too
You’re the perfect man for me
I love you I do

Never ever felt quite like this
Good about myself
From our very first kiss
I’m here when you call
You’ve got it all
And confidence like I never knew
You’re the perfect man for me
I love you I do

You've got the charm
You simply disarm me every time
As long as you drive
I’m along for the ride your way
You said it before
There wont be a door
That’s closed to us
Putting all my trust in you
Cause you, you’ll always be true

Oh I never could have known
This would be
Oh you and you alone
All for me
I know you’re the best
You passed every test
Its almost too good to be true
You’re the perfect man for me
I love you I do

You’re the perfect man for me
I love you I do

Thursday, January 20, 2011

FBC

Last night, Keila attended her first small group meeting with a few girls from the high school ministry. Isa and Jin went to their second AWANA class last night too, and I just hung out in the church lobby reading.

Speaking of reading...I've been reading the first 3 chapters of The Undistracted Widow over and over again! I keep finding myself wanting to go back and reread everything! I love it! And its helping me so much to read about how another Christian woman is dealing with the loss of her husband, while drawing closer to God in the process.

Anyways, back to the girls... I spent some time watching Jin and Isa interact with their group leaders at the end of their classes. One thing for sure about this church is that they sure know how to make newcomers feel like family! As we were on our way to pick up LaLa from her small group, Isa and Jin couldnt say enough about how much they loved the church.

I was afraid that LaLa wasnt gonna enjoy her small group as much as i had hoped, but instead, she was so happy she went! As for me, I'll be attending a womans "mixer" Sunday afternoon to get to know eachother a bit. Then a group of women will be breaking us all up into pairs for good ol fashioned one-on-one disiplship. I am so excited!!! We're so blessed to have found such an amazing church family (First Baptist Church-FBC)!

Well my love, I didnt get much sleep at all since you visited me in that crazy dream yesterday, and i think my brain is finally catching up with my body, and ready to sleep! So goodnight sweetness...1434!

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Just a Dream

I'm begging you...PLEASE dont ever show up in my dreams like you did this morning! I finally fell asleep around 4:30am then woke up at 7:30 to bring Isa/Jin to school, came back home to go back to sleep and had quite a dream!

In my dream, I picked up the girls from school and came home to a very familiar scent and we found you in the kitchen cookin up your famous bistek. I texted you (wierd) to ask you where you've been and you turned to me (I dont know where the girls were after we got to the kitchen) and said "i'm sorry i didnt call babee, i pulled over to take a power nap on my way home and it turned into more than just a nap". Just like you always did those long drives home when you were still working between the Bay and SoCal.

I ran and put my arms around you (in the kitchen, like we often did) and just cried on your shoulder. You realized what your absence did to me and kept apologizing over and over. The wierd thing is that I didnt say a word the entire dream! As you know very well, i'm a talker...sometimes I dont know when to shutup. But seeing you after thinking you're dead for over 2 months had me speechless.

The last thing I remember is you sitting in front of the computer reading this letter/blog from beginning to end and you just kept repeating "I'm sorry, I love you" over and over... Then I woke up at 11:00 to get Keila to school. Before i finally got up, I sat there trying to convince myself that my dream wasnt a dream, but deep down inside, i knew it was.

Now I'm sitting here in the parking lot of Keilas school in tears because I cant get my emotions under control. I dont even remember the drive here! I'm struggling to be as "normal" as possible (whatever that means), but that dream really got me messed up! So please dont do that again...its killing me. I miss you like crazy, but playing with my emotions like that just makes it worse for me. Nevertheless, I love you more...

THANK YOU (again)

I came across some of the notes we took when reading about marriage. You had copied the following out of a book...

9 WAYS TO DISPLAY THE FRUIT OF THE SPIRIT IN MY MARRIAGE:
1 Love – I will show love to my spouse every day.
2 Joy – I will invite the joy of the Lord to rise in me continually.
3 Peace – I will walk in peace and not stress.
4 Patience – I will be patient with my spouse and not lose my temper.
5 Kindness – I will show kindness to my spouse no matter what.
6 Goodness – I will do good for my spouse in every way.
7 Faithfulness – I will be faithful to my spouse in all I do.
8 Gentleness – I will be gentle and not harsh with my spouse.
9 Self-Control – I will not allow myself to get out of control.
(Galatians 5:22-23)

Babes...I want you to know that you were ALL of the above! You were a true example of the Fruits of the Spirit everyday! Not a single moment passed that I ever doubted your love for me after I realized you weren't just a dream...you were a dream come true.

Even when my insecurities got the best of me in the beginning, you never left my side...just like you promised. You hated that I felt "unworthy" and stuck around to show and tell me why you loved me everyday. And even after losing you the way I did, I wouldn't have changed a thing about our relationship.

So we made some bad choices and didn't necessarily live up to our potential...but it forced us into a situation where we grew closer and closer everyday as a family! We had no choice! One car, family of five, and many, many daily stops to make between jobs, schools, ministry, etc... And even better-we spent your last few years on earth getting closer to the Lord! For that, I'm grateful beyond comprehension!

I hate to think about how the girls and I would have handled losing you if we didn't have the faith we have. Our natural human tendencies alone, without Christ in our hearts, would have led us to so much self-destruction!  Not to say that we've handled ourselves perfectly...but if we weren't continuously embraced by our Heavenly Father, we'd be so lost!

Thank you for leading our family the way you did and continue to do by our memories of you. You are truly a part of our daily lives in all we do. Like the author of the book I'm reading expressed...I may not know when I'm gonna see you again, but I have peace knowing that God does know! And He's providing you with the best care possible. Perfect care.

1434

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

God knows...

"This was it. The body consigned to the ground. No more lingering hugs, no warm holding of hands, no sweet kisses from lips that I knew so well, no more sparkle in hazel eyes that twinkled with mischievous humor. I praise God that I will see my husband again some day. I don't know how long that will be, but God knows, and that makes it alright."

This is just one example of how this book hits home for me! Its as if it was written just for me...

Monday's over!

Hey babe-less than half an hour ago, I mentioned how the closest I came to crying all day yesterday was tearing up while I was talking about you to Emily...well, that was Monday. Now it's Tuesday and I just had a good cry watching Criminal Minds, thanks to a scene where a police office had to give a notification of death to the victims father. Funny thing is...I've seen the episode before and knew what to expect! LoL Now I'm all messed up again! ;) 1434

Monday, January 17, 2011

Our close to "normal" weekend...

This past weekend flew by! Saturday was Alana's b'day party. I dropped of Isa and Jin at the Matsuhara's in Tracy and picked up Annah on the way to Oakland. The drive was nice, but as we apporached San Leandro on 580 my heart started racing. Even more so as we passed the MacArthur exit. Even Keila said her heart was racing...

As we were approaching the apartment, I started to realize that I haven't been inside since 11/13/10. The day we moved. Nervousness/anxiety began to set in because memories of the five of us living there started racing thru my mind. Al and dad were outside when we pulled up. I greeted dad as he was leaving, and Al convinced me to check-out the place. Plus, I had to greet Alana. The place looks so different, but familiar. Without a doubt, I was reminded of random memories everywhere I looked. The many hours we spent on our sides of the desk...Club Aragon scary-oke nights and dominoes in the backyard...dancing or just holding eachother in the kitchen until the girls would get in between us...all the nights you'd tuck me in on the couch before leaving for work...and, of course, our last night/early morning together when you spoke your last words to me - "I love you more."

Annah and I didn't stay too long. We went to Alameda Towne Centre. I drove around to point out all the different places we frequented. Then we went to "our" Borders:). In the cafe, I immediately pointed out the corner we'd always sit to Annah. We sat and chatted about life for a bit, then we went to "our" sushi spot-Sushi House. I wasn't hungry enough to get The Boat, like we used to share, and I wasn't brave enough to get the Hella Hot roll like you loved to get, but I posted a picture of it for you on Facebook/Twitter:). Annah and I each ordered two rolls, but only finished half of each! If you were there, we wouldn't have had any leftovers to bring home! :) Gosh...I miss you!!!!

Then we went back to Alana's party and hung out for a bit. As soon as we pulled up, I saw Sean-who was about to leave. I'm glad I got there when I did...getting to chat with him, even for just a little bit was the highlight of my night. After he left, Annah and I spent most of the time chillin in the front chattin with Cuzin Allan and Al. I just LOVE talking about you...and that's pretty much all we did! :) I must say-that was my favorite Saturday (without you) so far...

After bringing Annah home and picking up the girls from her house, we finally got home pretty late/early in the morning. The girls and I spent Sunday sleeping. NICE! It was the most sleep i've gotten since you were with us!

Today, we (well, mostly the girls because I was online trying to figure out my school situation) cleaned the house. Today was as "normal" as it has been for us lately. Aside from my personal trainer kicking my butt with a workout from hell...today was nice:). I only teared-up once as I was on the leg press machine telling Emily (my trainer) about you. Of course, I thought of you all day...I can't imagine that ever ending! But I was able to keep my emotions kinda-sorta-under-control.

Well babee, that was my weekend. I'm positive it was NOTHING like your weekend up there...but it was nice anyways:). I thank God everyday for blessing the girls and I with you...not a day goes by that your impact on our lives doesn't shine. Goodnight my love. 1434