Saturday, March 26, 2011

"This Time It's Love"

In the beginning of "US", I can't help but feel like I wasted so much time trying to figure out whether you were real or not... You came outta nowhere when I was convinced that it was not my time (God's time) to have someone like you in my life. I gave up looking - altogether! In fact, I was considering the option of not dating at all until the girls were all grown! Then you popped-into my life in the most unexpected way! It's like God said "Alright young lady, you finally acnowledged that it's ME you ultimately NEED in your life and you laid your love life at my feet. So here's your answered prayer."


I battled with the possibility of you either being the real thing, or just another test. I must say - remaining such a constant in my life, my best friend from 400 miles away after I moved to SoCal opened my eyes to the blessing I had in you. Then your decision to up and move to SoCal after 8 months was like someone throwing me in a tub of ice to wake me up! You had brought it up a few times, but I never really considered it a possibility because it was such a HUGE step in a direction I didn't think neither of us were ready for! But you did, and now I couldn't be more sure that it was the best decision for us!


Here's the song that my heart sang around that time...(24/7, if you ask Keila!). I hope it brings you back to those precious memories of when we realized that it was God's plan, after all, for you and me to be...




I built a wall around this heart of mine
Never letting no one in
Didn't think I'd need a friend until now
Feeling this way won't do
I'm ready to give all of me
The question that I have of you


Will he say the things he needs to say?
Or touch me in a certain way?
I told myself just to be strong
One day the man will come along


What will I do?
Where will I go?
When it's my turn
How will I know that you're the man
I'm dreaming of?
I hope this time it's love


What will I do?
Where will I go?
When it's my turn
How will I know that you're the man
I'm dreaming of?
I hope this time it's love


Now you've opened up this heart of mine
You made me feel like no one else
Showed me there's someone besides myself
That I can depend on
Looking back I finally see
Exactly what you mean to me


You touched me in that special way
Said all the things a man should say
I kept my faith and I just stayed strong
My man finally came along


What will I do?
Where will I go?
When it's my turn
How will I know
that you're the man I'm dreaming of?
I hope this time it's love


What will I do?
Where will I go?
When it's my turn
How will I know that you're the man
I'm dreaming of?
I hope, I hope this time its love


Every single day with you
My love grows deeper and stronger its true
'Cause you've shown me things I've never known
You gave me strength to carry on
'Cause sometimes I'm afraid to let you in
Even though I know you're a good man
Still thoughts of doubt run through my mind
There's questions I have so tell me what to do


What will I do?
Where will I go?
When it's my turn
How will I know that you're the man
I'm dreaming of?
I hope this time it's love


What will I do?
Where will I go?
When it's my turn
How will I know that you're the man
I'm dreaming of?
I hope this time it's love


(Tamia)

Friday, March 25, 2011

Refreshed & Blessed

So yesterday, I finally fell asleep around 6:30 (last time I looked at the clock was at 6:25), woke-up at 7:30 to take the girls to school, came home and went back to sleep, woke-up at 1:30 to pick the girls up from school, hung out for a bit watching some TV, then went back to sleep around 3:30. I woke-up on the couch this morning all tucked-in...Isa learned from the best! She even brought Nate down and tucked him in with me:).

That was a lot of sleep I got yesterday! Thank GOD for melatonin!!! LoL I've found that I can fight sadness with either busyness or sleep. I didn't have it in me to get busy yesterday. All I could think about was how we should have been together having dinner at Sushi House, then walking around holding hands where we met in Benicia, maybe even heading to the Berkeley pier to stare at San Francisco across the water and have one of our "If" sessions (books by Evelyn McFarlane, James Saywell)...celebrating US! So I did the next best thing and slept!

I wish I didn't make people feel so awkward. I get messages from people who "don't know what to say" or are "at a loss for words" sometimes and I just wish I could reach out and give them a hug! Honestly, there are no words that could make the pain go away. But knowing I'm not alone in this world eases the pain a bit and makes it tolerable.

Anyhoo - I'm about to hit the books. It's not everyday I feel this refreshed! Talk to ya later love. 1434

Thursday, March 24, 2011

To sleep, or not to sleep?

I really wanna sleep, but the mere thought of not waking up to you sitting next to me with a sweet card and a red rose is killing me inside! I miss our simple yet intense romance. I miss all the little things that meant so much...

Thank God the memories are still so clear in my mind.

1434

Happy Anniversary

While you were here you held my heart safely and lovingly in your hands. The day you left it was as if your hands suddenly disappeared into thin air and my heart fell and shattered into pieces.

Despite the heartache I continue to feel everyday, I'd still say YES. Marrying you was the best decision I made in my entire life and if you were to ask me if I'd do it again, I'd say YES!

Thank you for taking such good care of my heart babee...I miss you - I need you - I love you more. Happy Anniversary.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

I'm doing SOMETHING right:)

I've been reading ahead at the GriefShare website and found this. I don't know why it isn't set to go out until Day 227?!? I personally believe that it should be one of the first! It truly helps to know I've been doing something positive since day 1 to get through my grief. :)

Write Your Memories
Writing down your memories is a way to become unstuck if you are stuck in grief. Set aside a regular time to write out all the positive experiences you can remember that include your loved one. One memory will lead to another, and you will have much to write. This exercise shines light on the positive memories, which will help you keep the negative memories in perspective.

"When you lose someone," says Dr. H. Norman Wright, "what you have left basically are the memories. At first they're so sharp that they hurt. In time those memories begin to dull. They diminish. That in itself is another loss that you have to go through. In writing about it, you don't lose those memories. They're always there in black and white."

Writing down memories is a special process that takes time and courage.

"For I wrote you out of great distress and anguish of heart and with many tears, not to grieve you but to let you know the depth of my love for you" (2 Corinthians 2:4).


OK, so I don't necessarily have a "set time" I write to you each day. Sometimes it's late, sometimes early, sometimes in the middle of the day,some days I write you multiple times and sometimes I skip days altogether! Despite the inconsistancies, writing to you AND re-reading each entry later is the best AND cheapeest therapy I could hope for. It helps me savor and share the man I was privleged to call MY MAN, keeps me honest about my memories and my grief, and helps me remember that although you're not in this temporary world with me anymore I too will one day relocate to Eternal Life with you:).

I lost count of all the journals I've received as gifts and bought myself over the years. Back in High School and early into adulthood I journaled every single day! It helped me reflect on my life each night and see on paper how God consistently worked in my life. It was like seeing God's footsteps on each page. Then life got overwhelming for me and I got too busy to make time for it (horrible excuse, I know). After you and I met, I tried so many times to get back on track. But, it never became a priority. Not until the day you left.

I'll admit - I so wish that I had a box full of journals to go through to relive each day we spent together! Some memories didn't need to be documented to be remembered...but I know there's so much more that I haven't remembered yet. But knowing I can't change the past, all I can do is move forward and continue this special keepsake of memories. 1434

Companionship Is Gone

"Picture yourself at the dinner table laughing with your spouse. Picture your spouse in his or her favorite room or chair. Picture your spouse hugging you while you cry."

My goodness...I do this ALL THE TIME!!! Sometimes, I'll be out somewhere in a familiar place and memories of us being there will consume me! Or even while sitting at home on the computer or watching TV...a commercial will come on that reminds me of you, or the smell of your body wash (which I can't get rid of, by the way) makes me feel like you're here. The Dolce Gabana 'Light Blue' cologne the girls and I bought you one fathers day - the one you couldn't find so you started using Axe products - well, I found it while unpacking and keep it in my purse! Crazy, I know... Then there's the couch. I've never told anyone this, but EVERYTIME I look at it I wanna throw it out of the house! It's where you last tucked me in, and where I was when I got the 'knock on the door' that horrible morning AND where I was sitting when the police gave me the worst news of my life. I've forced myself to sleep on it a couple of times thinking it was something I had to do to face the pain. Thinking it would help me face some things and magically make the pain go away - but it sure didn't work.

"The greatest loss is the company of that person, having him there," says Nancy, who lost her husband. "...He was always there to lift me up if something was wrong."

Aint that the truth!!! Just like right now - as I'm typing - I imagine what you'd be doing if you were here. My guess is that you'd be getting ready to leave for work and using the Magic Bullet to make your fruity protein shake using vanilla flavored Muscle Milk and frozen berries. Since I'm watching TV, I'd hear the blending all the way in our bedroom which you'd do in consideration of the fact that the blender is loud. I never even had to ask... Then again, I'm watching Criminal Minds reruns so you'd probably be sitting here right next to me to cover my eyes everytime Shemar Moore came on screen:)

I guess the reason I don't get rid of the couch is because of your chair! I don't even have your desk chair anymore, but I often imagine you in it! All the time you spent in it at the desk, or you rolling it to the end of the table at dinnertime, and of couse all the times you'd fall asleep on it with your laptop on your lap facing the TV. So as you can tell, getting rid of the couch probably wouldn't do me no good so why not just hold on to it?!?

I copied these thoughts from last nights GriefShare email titled "Companionship Is Gone". Just like how I feel about the couch, sometimes I feel like NOT reading these daily emails! I gave my book away (which is a compilation of these daily emails) to someone I felt needed it, but also because I couldn't stand how reading thru it 24/7 was making me face so much heartaching facts. Yes, they also reassure me of the hope I have in Christ and advise me of helpful ways to get through the grief in a healthy way...but it felt as though the pain felt was getting worse rather than better.

Babe, I don't know why I keep trying to put an "ETA" on when the roller coaster will end. I know in my heart that it never will! It may slow down and have less loops and swirls and twirls, but it won't ever stop. 1434

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Who'da thought...

...seeing a bottle of Sweet Baby Ray's BBQ sauce in the grocery store would bring me to tears??? Isa and Jin didn't know whether to laugh or feel sorry for me... The second I saw it, I had deja vu. I was brought back to one day we were preparing for a Club Aragon kick-it session and I whipped-together about 30 pounds of my specially marinated chicken in that big 5 gallon tub. It was kinda-sorta last minute so I went out and bought your favorite Sweet Baby Ray's BBQ sauce to use instead of making my own. We never used it to bbq with before, but you loved it with other things. I never had to make my own bbq sauce since! :) I was definately more pleased than hurt - I ain't gonna deny that it wasn't as good as sweet Baby Ray's! LoL

I bought a bottle, completely forgetting that we still have the last one you and I bought during our last grocery trip on Halloween. I gave it to Ate Sette when we hung out earlier...I'm sure she'll never buy Bull's Eye again:)! hahaha

Want bbq babee?

1434