Mess w/ me, I may get hurt but I still wanna LOVE ON YOU. Mess w/ others, even strangers, and especially family & friends-I turn into a mama bear who's babies are being harmed.
I'm sure my rollercoaster of emotions had a lot to do w/ my reaction last night to that lady making rude comments toward our kids...and it's tearing me up inside that I reacted the way I did!
The words that came out of my mouth were fine. There was no name calling or anything, but my tone and my boiling blood sure made it clear that this mama bear was NOT happy!
I'm not happy with myself at all. I shoulda reacted with my usual fake smile and my mental script: "Imma pray for you because you need JESUS!" (Not out loud...in my head!) Oh, and a couple "WooooooSaaaaaa's", but instead I reacted in a way that left me feeling like crap!
Anybody there last night probably thinks I'm crazy for putting so much thought into such a minor altercation. But you know me, and anyone else who knows me well enough can understand why I'm taking this so hard!
Anyways, those are the thoughts that consumed my mind when I woke up and since you're not here to talk out loud to, I figured this would do. I miss our "Am I crazy for feeling this way..." discussions about things we just don't understand! Having one-way discussions about these things just aren't the same, and I've been having a lot of them since 11/4/2010!
Go figure, the memory verse I'm working on is 2 Corinthians 12:9-10! Maybe that's why my heart is so heavy over this?!?! "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
Anyways, I'll be back. I'm gonna catch-up on a little more sleep. Luv you more sweetheart!
Here's my letter to you, Mark Matthew Aragon. The LOVE of my life, and Papa to our girls, who's Heavenly birthday is 11/04/2010. There's so much I want to say and if Heaven had a phone, I'd call. Missing & loving you more everyday, Lei
Saturday, January 8, 2011
what a Day?
Woke up late and got Isa and Jin to school.
Went to my optometry appointment. I had to order new glasses cuz my Rx changed a bit.
Picked Keila up from home and got lunch, then brought her to school.
Went to Walmart to get lightbulbs for the porch light and some car mats...but ended up leaving with everything BUT lightbulbs and carmats!
Picked up Isa and Jin from school.
Went back to Walmart, and this time I didn't forget!
Picked Keila up from school.
Headed to Oakland...by far, THE most difficult drive ever! Luckily the girls were with me. No time to have a breakdown!
Picked up Alana at the apartment.
Spent the evening at Oracle Arena. Gabbi sang the National Anthem so well! And the Warriors ended the night right with a WIN!!!
Went to Denny's with everyone. Got into a lil somethin with a RUDE woman. Long story.
Visited with the Fihaki's. That was a much-needed reunion. Especially for Keila!
Struggled to drive home, but made it! :)
I'm so tired now babee! I think its bout that time I sleep "early" for once! LoL This was just a brief run down of everything...I'll chat more about it later.
Good night hun! I love you more...
Went to my optometry appointment. I had to order new glasses cuz my Rx changed a bit.
Picked Keila up from home and got lunch, then brought her to school.
Went to Walmart to get lightbulbs for the porch light and some car mats...but ended up leaving with everything BUT lightbulbs and carmats!
Picked up Isa and Jin from school.
Went back to Walmart, and this time I didn't forget!
Picked Keila up from school.
Headed to Oakland...by far, THE most difficult drive ever! Luckily the girls were with me. No time to have a breakdown!
Picked up Alana at the apartment.
Spent the evening at Oracle Arena. Gabbi sang the National Anthem so well! And the Warriors ended the night right with a WIN!!!
Went to Denny's with everyone. Got into a lil somethin with a RUDE woman. Long story.
Visited with the Fihaki's. That was a much-needed reunion. Especially for Keila!
Struggled to drive home, but made it! :)
I'm so tired now babee! I think its bout that time I sleep "early" for once! LoL This was just a brief run down of everything...I'll chat more about it later.
Good night hun! I love you more...
Thursday, January 6, 2011
The "S" Word
Back in June you posted 2 Corinthians 12:9 as your status on Facebook. Who would've guessed it would speak volumes to me when I read it today?
"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
There goes that "S" word again! STRONG... I continue to receive messages and emails commending me for my strength. I began to wonder what it means to be strong anyway? For a while, the word was just a word to me. Kind of like the word "condolence". I've heard those two words sooooooo many times, I've lost their meanings.
According to http://www.dictionary.com/:
STRONG- (only 10 of the 30 definitions given)1. mentally powerful or vigorous
2. especially able, competent, or powerful in a specific field or respect
3. of great moral power, firmness, or courage
4. powerful in influence, authority, resources, or means of prevailing or succeeding
5. aggressive; willful
6. clear and firm; loud
7. solid or stable; healthy; thriving
8. having powerful means to resist attack, assault, or aggression
9. decisively unyielding; firm or uncompromising
10. strenuous or energetic; vigorous
—Antonym
1. weak.
How in the world am I STRONG? Especially when I consistently feel the exact opposite? Day in and day out, I feel so very tired, worn-down, and WEAK. Mainly emotionally though...I'm still able to physically keep up with the daily duties of a single momma. Maybe everyone thinks I'm so strong because I'm really good at making sure I don't make others feel the least bit uncomfortable around me?!? I don't like feeling awkward around people. I can imagine how hard it must be for everyone...no one wants to say the wrong thing to the 32-year-old widow/single momma of three! I guess that's why I tend to act like i'm all good around others. But Lord knows that the second I get me some alone-time, the guard comes down and I allow myself to be as vulnerable as I feel!
Some people say that I am holding myself back from "proper grieving" by being this way...others say "it's OK". All I know is that I do make a conscious effort to act how I feel no matter who's around...but it just doesn't always happen.
Now back to the verse I mentioned earlier. I've decided to make it my first memory verse of 2011. I'm praying that if I repeat it over and over, and write it down a couple hundred times my perspective will catch-up to it's truth! I know it's true. It's the Word of God...there's nothing more true than that! But these darn human tendencies and these emotions that lead me to the brick wall I keep running into totally alter my perspective on a lot of things! Just like I know you're up in Heaven chillin w/ Christ and playing a never-ending game of dominoes with your new homies...but I'm sad and missing you like crazy still. I should be rejoicing, thanking and praising God because I love you so much and I know you're in His loving care...but I'm still sad and still missing you like crazy.
Anyways, I'm starting to feel like I'm talking in circles trying to make you understand me, but you always have - even when I couldn't understand myself! All I know babe is that I'm trying really hard to get to a place of constant joy. Even if only for a full day. We NEVER let our "weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities" strip us of our JOY for long. Nothing was worth it. We've always been thankful and full of praise for the many blessings in our lives regardless of anything else. And that's where I want to be again. It's hard to get there because you and me were one whole, and so I feel like I've lost half of me. But I'm not giving up babe! You wouldn't ever want me to, so I won't! I wish I could put a time line and a step-by-step instruction manual together for this process...but I'll just continue to be still and trust in God.
Goodnight my boo-boose. I love you more;).
"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
There goes that "S" word again! STRONG... I continue to receive messages and emails commending me for my strength. I began to wonder what it means to be strong anyway? For a while, the word was just a word to me. Kind of like the word "condolence". I've heard those two words sooooooo many times, I've lost their meanings.
According to http://www.dictionary.com/:
STRONG- (only 10 of the 30 definitions given)1. mentally powerful or vigorous
2. especially able, competent, or powerful in a specific field or respect
3. of great moral power, firmness, or courage
4. powerful in influence, authority, resources, or means of prevailing or succeeding
5. aggressive; willful
6. clear and firm; loud
7. solid or stable; healthy; thriving
8. having powerful means to resist attack, assault, or aggression
9. decisively unyielding; firm or uncompromising
10. strenuous or energetic; vigorous
—Antonym
1. weak.
How in the world am I STRONG? Especially when I consistently feel the exact opposite? Day in and day out, I feel so very tired, worn-down, and WEAK. Mainly emotionally though...I'm still able to physically keep up with the daily duties of a single momma. Maybe everyone thinks I'm so strong because I'm really good at making sure I don't make others feel the least bit uncomfortable around me?!? I don't like feeling awkward around people. I can imagine how hard it must be for everyone...no one wants to say the wrong thing to the 32-year-old widow/single momma of three! I guess that's why I tend to act like i'm all good around others. But Lord knows that the second I get me some alone-time, the guard comes down and I allow myself to be as vulnerable as I feel!
Some people say that I am holding myself back from "proper grieving" by being this way...others say "it's OK". All I know is that I do make a conscious effort to act how I feel no matter who's around...but it just doesn't always happen.
Now back to the verse I mentioned earlier. I've decided to make it my first memory verse of 2011. I'm praying that if I repeat it over and over, and write it down a couple hundred times my perspective will catch-up to it's truth! I know it's true. It's the Word of God...there's nothing more true than that! But these darn human tendencies and these emotions that lead me to the brick wall I keep running into totally alter my perspective on a lot of things! Just like I know you're up in Heaven chillin w/ Christ and playing a never-ending game of dominoes with your new homies...but I'm sad and missing you like crazy still. I should be rejoicing, thanking and praising God because I love you so much and I know you're in His loving care...but I'm still sad and still missing you like crazy.
Anyways, I'm starting to feel like I'm talking in circles trying to make you understand me, but you always have - even when I couldn't understand myself! All I know babe is that I'm trying really hard to get to a place of constant joy. Even if only for a full day. We NEVER let our "weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities" strip us of our JOY for long. Nothing was worth it. We've always been thankful and full of praise for the many blessings in our lives regardless of anything else. And that's where I want to be again. It's hard to get there because you and me were one whole, and so I feel like I've lost half of me. But I'm not giving up babe! You wouldn't ever want me to, so I won't! I wish I could put a time line and a step-by-step instruction manual together for this process...but I'll just continue to be still and trust in God.
Goodnight my boo-boose. I love you more;).
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Catch-up...
I've been extremely technologically frustrated lately! I NEED YOU! What in the world are we gonna do without your tech-saavy-ness???
Anyhoo - things have been so hectic lately so I thought I'd catch you up on everything. Especially since I goofed-up last week and sent three posts to the wrong email/blog address! So, you were pretty caught up thru our SoCal trip. Although it was a much needed getaway for us, it definately wasn't long enough! And the off-and-on rain didn't help much either. But Ban-Annah and I are planning on making a trip in March to celebrate yours and Nicole's birthdays, since she's the only non-October baby in our BFF-crew. The least we could do is gift her with our presence:)! And Keila and Alana told me we're going back for Spring Break! :) LoL
It was such a blessing to spend that time with Alana! She misses you so much! I'm so glad she got to spend your last few months getting so close to you and our family. All throughout the trip we spoke of you and of some memories we all got to share together since she moved back. I didn't realize till either Keila or Alana mentioned it to me, but the night of the accident was the first night Alana didn't sleep over after about a week or so straight of staying in Keila's room. Alana also remembered seeing you for the last time in the driveway when you were on your way to Lafayette for worship rehearsal.
We were reminiscing about one of the times we went to South Shore Plaza in Alameda. I had just uploaded some music to the SD card in my phone and we were listening to K-Ci & JoJo slow jams. "All My Life" was playing and we were singing, getting all animated and actin all goofy, and the girls got a kick out of it. I think that was the same day you brought Alana to see the "Little People Houses" in Alameda!:)
One little memory Keila brought up was a time you went somewhere and they stayed in the truck listening to music. When you got back to the truck "Oh, You Fancy Huh" was playing and Keila noticed you mouthing the lyrics. I guess that to her, parents aren't supposed to know such songs...*sigh*. ;)
We talked about Alana's b'day coming up, and how it's on 1/11/11. It made me think about our decision to renew our vows before all our family and friends on 11/11/11. We had just decided after talking about it on my b'day 10/23, so I hadn't told anyone (at least, I don't remember telling anyone), but Alana remembered us talking about it. For some reason, my heart dropped when she told me that. I really don't know why...maybe it was confirmation that I wasn't delusional! There have been so many memories replaying over and over in my head that seem too good to be true, that sometimes I feel like i'm telling fairytail. But it's all definately our reality, and I love when people who witnessed our love and affection first hand can say "YES, I remember that". :)
New Years Eve was so busy and we spent 80% of our time on the road. We got back to Sac from SoCal around 9pm to get ready for the NYE party in Fairfield. I wore your tribute t-shirt to make it more evident to everyone that you were there with us. I did so well emotionally! Honestly, I didn't even give one thought about the countdown and the ball drop! I hung out with family, talked and laughed and picked on food...then as soon as the countdown started, LITERALLY as soon as everyone started running into the family room to watch the ball drop, the thought of you not being there with me to start off 2011...and the reality that you weren't gonna be with me at 2011 or ever at all HIT HARD! I was sitting next to daddy trying to act as smooth and calm as possible...eating my Zachary's pizza and trying to block out everyone counting down. As soon as everyone yelled "HAPPY NEW YEAR" I looked towards the family room and saw my brother kiss my sis-in-law and everyone greeting eachother. That was it! Whether I liked it or not, the tears came falling from my eyes and I looked to my dad, gave him a hug and a smile and said "Happy New Year daddy". Then I grabbed my champagne and ran for the front door!
I stood there and cried. Then Ate Mae came out, held me, and cried with me. Then all the kids came out to light their sparklers. I sat on the bench with Ate Mae, and Kuya Lan came out and put his arm around me. Then all the happiness, laughing, and JOY around me made me feel even more horrible so I went in the house where I found Keila and Alana looking for me. I greeted them Happy New Year, then I booked-it to the back door. My sisters followed me, and even mom was out there for a bit but since it was raining we told her to go sit inside with daddy. We stood there, trying to stay covered from the rain, and just cried. I don't think I cried like that since Thanksgiving when I was alone in our room at mom and dad's house in Vallejo! And the last time before that was the last time we closed your casket the morning of your funeral.
Whoever came up with the term "emotional rollercoaster" was so on-point! Sometimes it makes me feel like i'm going crazy, but then if I wasn't feeling all this I'd be crazy too!
Anyways, I gotta get Keila to school by noon so I'll talk more to you later babe. Love you more!
Anyhoo - things have been so hectic lately so I thought I'd catch you up on everything. Especially since I goofed-up last week and sent three posts to the wrong email/blog address! So, you were pretty caught up thru our SoCal trip. Although it was a much needed getaway for us, it definately wasn't long enough! And the off-and-on rain didn't help much either. But Ban-Annah and I are planning on making a trip in March to celebrate yours and Nicole's birthdays, since she's the only non-October baby in our BFF-crew. The least we could do is gift her with our presence:)! And Keila and Alana told me we're going back for Spring Break! :) LoL
It was such a blessing to spend that time with Alana! She misses you so much! I'm so glad she got to spend your last few months getting so close to you and our family. All throughout the trip we spoke of you and of some memories we all got to share together since she moved back. I didn't realize till either Keila or Alana mentioned it to me, but the night of the accident was the first night Alana didn't sleep over after about a week or so straight of staying in Keila's room. Alana also remembered seeing you for the last time in the driveway when you were on your way to Lafayette for worship rehearsal.
We were reminiscing about one of the times we went to South Shore Plaza in Alameda. I had just uploaded some music to the SD card in my phone and we were listening to K-Ci & JoJo slow jams. "All My Life" was playing and we were singing, getting all animated and actin all goofy, and the girls got a kick out of it. I think that was the same day you brought Alana to see the "Little People Houses" in Alameda!:)
One little memory Keila brought up was a time you went somewhere and they stayed in the truck listening to music. When you got back to the truck "Oh, You Fancy Huh" was playing and Keila noticed you mouthing the lyrics. I guess that to her, parents aren't supposed to know such songs...*sigh*. ;)
We talked about Alana's b'day coming up, and how it's on 1/11/11. It made me think about our decision to renew our vows before all our family and friends on 11/11/11. We had just decided after talking about it on my b'day 10/23, so I hadn't told anyone (at least, I don't remember telling anyone), but Alana remembered us talking about it. For some reason, my heart dropped when she told me that. I really don't know why...maybe it was confirmation that I wasn't delusional! There have been so many memories replaying over and over in my head that seem too good to be true, that sometimes I feel like i'm telling fairytail. But it's all definately our reality, and I love when people who witnessed our love and affection first hand can say "YES, I remember that". :)
New Years Eve was so busy and we spent 80% of our time on the road. We got back to Sac from SoCal around 9pm to get ready for the NYE party in Fairfield. I wore your tribute t-shirt to make it more evident to everyone that you were there with us. I did so well emotionally! Honestly, I didn't even give one thought about the countdown and the ball drop! I hung out with family, talked and laughed and picked on food...then as soon as the countdown started, LITERALLY as soon as everyone started running into the family room to watch the ball drop, the thought of you not being there with me to start off 2011...and the reality that you weren't gonna be with me at 2011 or ever at all HIT HARD! I was sitting next to daddy trying to act as smooth and calm as possible...eating my Zachary's pizza and trying to block out everyone counting down. As soon as everyone yelled "HAPPY NEW YEAR" I looked towards the family room and saw my brother kiss my sis-in-law and everyone greeting eachother. That was it! Whether I liked it or not, the tears came falling from my eyes and I looked to my dad, gave him a hug and a smile and said "Happy New Year daddy". Then I grabbed my champagne and ran for the front door!
I stood there and cried. Then Ate Mae came out, held me, and cried with me. Then all the kids came out to light their sparklers. I sat on the bench with Ate Mae, and Kuya Lan came out and put his arm around me. Then all the happiness, laughing, and JOY around me made me feel even more horrible so I went in the house where I found Keila and Alana looking for me. I greeted them Happy New Year, then I booked-it to the back door. My sisters followed me, and even mom was out there for a bit but since it was raining we told her to go sit inside with daddy. We stood there, trying to stay covered from the rain, and just cried. I don't think I cried like that since Thanksgiving when I was alone in our room at mom and dad's house in Vallejo! And the last time before that was the last time we closed your casket the morning of your funeral.
Whoever came up with the term "emotional rollercoaster" was so on-point! Sometimes it makes me feel like i'm going crazy, but then if I wasn't feeling all this I'd be crazy too!
Anyways, I gotta get Keila to school by noon so I'll talk more to you later babe. Love you more!
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
I lit a candle for you...
2 months ago everything changed. The love we share and memories we made help me cope w/ the lost future we looked forward to. 1434
Light a candle and/or share a memory.
Light a candle and/or share a memory.
Mr. Aragon
I miss all those times KJo and I would be rehearsing before service on Sunday's and I'd call you "Babe" or "Baby"...think to myself that it's probably not appropriate for me to call you that over the mic...so I'd call you "Mr. Aragon". It was always so weird for me to simply call you "Mark"! LoL
I miss you Mr. Aragon! Love you more:).
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®
I miss you Mr. Aragon! Love you more:).
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®
2 months
It's officially been 2 months since I last heard you say "I love you", hug you, stare into your beautiful eyes, and watch you be the amazing papa you are to the girls. I still miss you like crazy, it hurts...
Loving you more, always and forever...
Loving you more, always and forever...
Monday, January 3, 2011
Please tell God "Thank You" for me...
Psalm 73:21-26 states: "I realized how bitter I had become, how pained I had been by all I had seen. I was so foolish and ignorant-I must have seemed like a senseless animal to you. YET I STILL BELONG TO YOU; You are holding my right hand. You will keep on guiding me with your counsel, leading me to a glorious destiny. Whom have I in heaven but you? I desire you more than anything on earth. My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever." (NLT)
Wow! I belong to Him, and you're up there chillin with Him! Sweet!!!
For a little while, I found myself sinking into a depression. Ya, I know...totally NOT the "Lei" you've known all these years. But having such a huge part of my life vanish without any kind of warning has had your baby-girl feeling and acting kinda "off" these days!
I haven't cooked since I last baked you a chicken w/ stuffing, mushrooms and potatoes. I failed to register for the right classes before they filled up. The girls and I haven't gone to church since Keila's baptism service. (We will next Sunday, I promise) We did, however plan on going to visit a church yesterday but we missed our beds and sleep and none of us set our alarms. BAD EXCUSE, I know... But that's why the verse above really spoke to me as I was reading my GriefShare book! I can act a fool, weather in grief or in plain 'ol ignorance, but I am still HIS! What more do I need? His love and the memories of you that I hold close to my heart are sustaining me.
I've visited the spot where we met in person after getting to know eachother over the phone and chatting on AIM...It's still as beautiful as ever! A couple times, I've walked the Berkeley Pier, once even in the rain, reminiscing about the first time we brought the girls fishing there, and that time we used a whole chicken as bait for crab because we forgot a knife to cut it into pieces. LoL It worked though! :)
In SoCal, I was reminded of those few times we went and played pool at Broken Rack in Emeryville with Mert & Nic. So, the other day I drove by there and walked around the whole Public Market (after they closed) and all sorts of memories came at me all at once! Borders (of course), Wazwan (yummy Indian food), Bay Street not too far, Barnes and Noble, Keila's suprise Sweet 16 at Elephant Bar w/ all of her godparents, all the times we'd drop off/pick up Keila and friends after kickin it there, and LOVIN how they all called us momma and papa too:)...We spent a lot of time between Public Market and Bay Street! So many memories!!!
Emotionally, I found myself failing you. Disappointing you. I didn't see it that way at the time, but my perspective eventually changed and I saw where I was heading, stopped, and turned back around. Yes, I'll forever miss you, but thankfully we lived out our love in a way that has left me with nothing to regret when it comes to our relationship! I know you know how much I love you, and that there was absolutely no way you could possibly doubt that. And vice versa. You SHOWED your love to the girls and I all day, everyday. All words aside, your actions were all we needed to know your love for us. So what business do I have getting depressed?!?! Instead, I'm focusing on thanking and praising GOD for allowing us to love like we love, and for preparing me to endure all the pain I've felt since you left. Even though I felt so helpless and out of control, I know it would've been a million times worse if I didn't have Christ in my life.
So, next time you kick it with him up there in a Heavenly Borders Cafe, tell him "Thank You" for me.
Goodnight hun...I love you more! :)
Blessings,
Lei
"I am richly blessed" By HIS Grace & for HIS Glory...no matter what's goin on in my life! (Proverbs 28:20)
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®
Wow! I belong to Him, and you're up there chillin with Him! Sweet!!!
For a little while, I found myself sinking into a depression. Ya, I know...totally NOT the "Lei" you've known all these years. But having such a huge part of my life vanish without any kind of warning has had your baby-girl feeling and acting kinda "off" these days!
I haven't cooked since I last baked you a chicken w/ stuffing, mushrooms and potatoes. I failed to register for the right classes before they filled up. The girls and I haven't gone to church since Keila's baptism service. (We will next Sunday, I promise) We did, however plan on going to visit a church yesterday but we missed our beds and sleep and none of us set our alarms. BAD EXCUSE, I know... But that's why the verse above really spoke to me as I was reading my GriefShare book! I can act a fool, weather in grief or in plain 'ol ignorance, but I am still HIS! What more do I need? His love and the memories of you that I hold close to my heart are sustaining me.
I've visited the spot where we met in person after getting to know eachother over the phone and chatting on AIM...It's still as beautiful as ever! A couple times, I've walked the Berkeley Pier, once even in the rain, reminiscing about the first time we brought the girls fishing there, and that time we used a whole chicken as bait for crab because we forgot a knife to cut it into pieces. LoL It worked though! :)
In SoCal, I was reminded of those few times we went and played pool at Broken Rack in Emeryville with Mert & Nic. So, the other day I drove by there and walked around the whole Public Market (after they closed) and all sorts of memories came at me all at once! Borders (of course), Wazwan (yummy Indian food), Bay Street not too far, Barnes and Noble, Keila's suprise Sweet 16 at Elephant Bar w/ all of her godparents, all the times we'd drop off/pick up Keila and friends after kickin it there, and LOVIN how they all called us momma and papa too:)...We spent a lot of time between Public Market and Bay Street! So many memories!!!
Emotionally, I found myself failing you. Disappointing you. I didn't see it that way at the time, but my perspective eventually changed and I saw where I was heading, stopped, and turned back around. Yes, I'll forever miss you, but thankfully we lived out our love in a way that has left me with nothing to regret when it comes to our relationship! I know you know how much I love you, and that there was absolutely no way you could possibly doubt that. And vice versa. You SHOWED your love to the girls and I all day, everyday. All words aside, your actions were all we needed to know your love for us. So what business do I have getting depressed?!?! Instead, I'm focusing on thanking and praising GOD for allowing us to love like we love, and for preparing me to endure all the pain I've felt since you left. Even though I felt so helpless and out of control, I know it would've been a million times worse if I didn't have Christ in my life.
So, next time you kick it with him up there in a Heavenly Borders Cafe, tell him "Thank You" for me.
Goodnight hun...I love you more! :)
Blessings,
Lei
"I am richly blessed" By HIS Grace & for HIS Glory...no matter what's goin on in my life! (Proverbs 28:20)
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®
New Years gift of a lesson learned...
So babe - This "blog via email" is great and all...but only when I'm sending the messages to the right email address!!! And, of course, I'm doing this all mobile on either my blackberry or ipod! The wireless at the Contapay's wasn't working (we all wished you were there to work your geek-magic!), and plus it seemed like I was on the road during our entire SoCal trip anyways! And since we got back from SoCal, we still lived in my car for a few days! Busy, busy, busy!!! We've been home since about 1am'ish after helping family move, and so the past 12 hours straight being home has been heavenly:).
I can see you now just shaking your head at me. LoL "Excuses, excuses, excuses" is what you're probably thinking. Just like back in the day when we were in our puppy-love stage and I took too long to reply to a text or on AIM. LoL There's probably a few "I told you so's" too! You always kept EVERYTHING and used up every bit of memory on your phone and computer in case you'd need it later, yet I've always opted to free up every bit of memory on my stuff for speed and it always kept me from running into device issues. For the first time as far as I can remember, my way finally kicked me in my shins!!! My "sent messages" are deleted every night so I lost the last 3 letters I wrote you. Lesson learned babe!
I just got done doing the following (in your honor, of course):
1. My sent messages are no longer deleted each night
2. I set it up so that my incoming and outgoing emails are saved on the server too.
3. I keep my messages on my phone for 60 days instead of 15.
4. I now have all my music, podcasts, audiobooks and sermons on my ipod only which free'd up the microSD card in my phone so all these changes won't effect my speed or battery-life on my phone!
I hope you're smiling now:) Those are all things you told me to do before, but I didn't listen! Thanks for the New Years gift of a lesson learned...
I love you more babee:)
I can see you now just shaking your head at me. LoL "Excuses, excuses, excuses" is what you're probably thinking. Just like back in the day when we were in our puppy-love stage and I took too long to reply to a text or on AIM. LoL There's probably a few "I told you so's" too! You always kept EVERYTHING and used up every bit of memory on your phone and computer in case you'd need it later, yet I've always opted to free up every bit of memory on my stuff for speed and it always kept me from running into device issues. For the first time as far as I can remember, my way finally kicked me in my shins!!! My "sent messages" are deleted every night so I lost the last 3 letters I wrote you. Lesson learned babe!
I just got done doing the following (in your honor, of course):
1. My sent messages are no longer deleted each night
2. I set it up so that my incoming and outgoing emails are saved on the server too.
3. I keep my messages on my phone for 60 days instead of 15.
4. I now have all my music, podcasts, audiobooks and sermons on my ipod only which free'd up the microSD card in my phone so all these changes won't effect my speed or battery-life on my phone!
I hope you're smiling now:) Those are all things you told me to do before, but I didn't listen! Thanks for the New Years gift of a lesson learned...
I love you more babee:)
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