Catch-up...

I've been extremely technologically frustrated lately! I NEED YOU! What in the world are we gonna do without your tech-saavy-ness???

Anyhoo - things have been so hectic lately so I thought I'd catch you up on everything. Especially since I goofed-up last week and sent three posts to the wrong email/blog address! So, you were pretty caught up thru our SoCal trip. Although it was a much needed getaway for us, it definately wasn't long enough! And the off-and-on rain didn't help much either. But Ban-Annah and I are planning on making a trip in March to celebrate yours and Nicole's birthdays, since she's the only non-October baby in our BFF-crew. The least we could do is gift her with our presence:)! And Keila and Alana told me we're going back for Spring Break! :) LoL

It was such a blessing to spend that time with Alana! She misses you so much! I'm so glad she got to spend your last few months getting so close to you and our family. All throughout the trip we spoke of you and of some memories we all got to share together since she moved back. I didn't realize till either Keila or Alana mentioned it to me, but the night of the accident was the first night Alana didn't sleep over after about a week or so straight of staying in Keila's room. Alana also remembered seeing you for the last time in the driveway when you were on your way to Lafayette for worship rehearsal.

We were reminiscing about one of the times we went to South Shore Plaza in Alameda. I had just uploaded some music to the SD card in my phone and we were listening to K-Ci & JoJo slow jams.  "All My Life" was playing and we were singing, getting all animated and actin all goofy, and the girls got a kick out of it. I think that was the same day you brought Alana to see the "Little People Houses" in Alameda!:)

One little memory Keila brought up was a time you went somewhere and they stayed in the truck listening to music. When you got back to the truck "Oh, You Fancy Huh" was playing and Keila noticed you mouthing the lyrics. I guess that to her, parents aren't supposed to know such songs...*sigh*. ;)

We talked about Alana's b'day coming up, and how it's on 1/11/11. It made me think about our decision to renew our vows before all our family and friends on 11/11/11. We had just decided after talking about it on my b'day 10/23, so I hadn't told anyone (at least, I don't remember telling anyone), but Alana remembered us talking about it. For some reason, my heart dropped when she told me that. I really don't know why...maybe it was confirmation that I wasn't delusional! There have been so many memories replaying over and over in my head that seem too good to be true, that sometimes I feel like i'm telling fairytail. But it's all definately our reality, and I love when people who witnessed our love and affection first hand can say "YES, I remember that". :)

New Years Eve was so busy and we spent 80% of our time on the road. We got back to Sac from SoCal around 9pm to get ready for the NYE party in Fairfield. I wore your tribute t-shirt to make it more evident to everyone that you were there with us. I did so well emotionally! Honestly, I didn't even give one thought about the countdown and the ball drop! I hung out with family, talked and laughed and picked on food...then as soon as the countdown started, LITERALLY as soon as everyone started running into the family room to watch the ball drop, the thought of you not being there with me to start off 2011...and the reality that you weren't gonna be with me at 2011 or ever at all HIT HARD! I was sitting next to daddy trying to act as smooth and calm as possible...eating my Zachary's pizza and trying to block out everyone counting down. As soon as everyone yelled "HAPPY NEW YEAR" I looked towards the family room and saw my brother kiss my sis-in-law and everyone greeting eachother. That was it! Whether I liked it or not, the tears came falling from my eyes and I looked to my dad, gave him a hug and a smile and said "Happy New Year daddy". Then I grabbed my champagne and ran for the front door!

I stood there and cried. Then Ate Mae came out, held me, and cried with me. Then all the kids came out to light their sparklers. I sat on the bench with Ate Mae, and Kuya Lan came out and put his arm around me. Then all the happiness, laughing, and JOY around me made me feel even more horrible so I went in the house where I found Keila and Alana looking for me. I greeted them Happy New Year, then I booked-it to the back door. My sisters followed me, and even mom was out there for a bit but since it was raining we told her to go sit inside with daddy. We stood there, trying to stay covered from the rain, and just cried. I don't think I cried like that since Thanksgiving when I was alone in our room at mom and dad's house in Vallejo! And the last time before that was the last time we closed your casket the morning of your funeral.

Whoever came up with the term "emotional rollercoaster" was so on-point! Sometimes it makes me feel like i'm going crazy, but then if I wasn't feeling all this I'd be crazy too!

Anyways, I gotta get Keila to school by noon so I'll talk more to you later babe. Love you more!