Psalm 73:21-26 states: "I realized how bitter I had become, how pained I had been by all I had seen. I was so foolish and ignorant-I must have seemed like a senseless animal to you. YET I STILL BELONG TO YOU; You are holding my right hand. You will keep on guiding me with your counsel, leading me to a glorious destiny. Whom have I in heaven but you? I desire you more than anything on earth. My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever." (NLT)
Wow! I belong to Him, and you're up there chillin with Him! Sweet!!!
For a little while, I found myself sinking into a depression. Ya, I know...totally NOT the "Lei" you've known all these years. But having such a huge part of my life vanish without any kind of warning has had your baby-girl feeling and acting kinda "off" these days!
I haven't cooked since I last baked you a chicken w/ stuffing, mushrooms and potatoes. I failed to register for the right classes before they filled up. The girls and I haven't gone to church since Keila's baptism service. (We will next Sunday, I promise) We did, however plan on going to visit a church yesterday but we missed our beds and sleep and none of us set our alarms. BAD EXCUSE, I know... But that's why the verse above really spoke to me as I was reading my GriefShare book! I can act a fool, weather in grief or in plain 'ol ignorance, but I am still HIS! What more do I need? His love and the memories of you that I hold close to my heart are sustaining me.
I've visited the spot where we met in person after getting to know eachother over the phone and chatting on AIM...It's still as beautiful as ever! A couple times, I've walked the Berkeley Pier, once even in the rain, reminiscing about the first time we brought the girls fishing there, and that time we used a whole chicken as bait for crab because we forgot a knife to cut it into pieces. LoL It worked though! :)
In SoCal, I was reminded of those few times we went and played pool at Broken Rack in Emeryville with Mert & Nic. So, the other day I drove by there and walked around the whole Public Market (after they closed) and all sorts of memories came at me all at once! Borders (of course), Wazwan (yummy Indian food), Bay Street not too far, Barnes and Noble, Keila's suprise Sweet 16 at Elephant Bar w/ all of her godparents, all the times we'd drop off/pick up Keila and friends after kickin it there, and LOVIN how they all called us momma and papa too:)...We spent a lot of time between Public Market and Bay Street! So many memories!!!
Emotionally, I found myself failing you. Disappointing you. I didn't see it that way at the time, but my perspective eventually changed and I saw where I was heading, stopped, and turned back around. Yes, I'll forever miss you, but thankfully we lived out our love in a way that has left me with nothing to regret when it comes to our relationship! I know you know how much I love you, and that there was absolutely no way you could possibly doubt that. And vice versa. You SHOWED your love to the girls and I all day, everyday. All words aside, your actions were all we needed to know your love for us. So what business do I have getting depressed?!?! Instead, I'm focusing on thanking and praising GOD for allowing us to love like we love, and for preparing me to endure all the pain I've felt since you left. Even though I felt so helpless and out of control, I know it would've been a million times worse if I didn't have Christ in my life.
So, next time you kick it with him up there in a Heavenly Borders Cafe, tell him "Thank You" for me.
Goodnight hun...I love you more! :)
Blessings,
Lei
"I am richly blessed" By HIS Grace & for HIS Glory...no matter what's goin on in my life! (Proverbs 28:20)
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®
Here's my letter to you, Mark Matthew Aragon. The LOVE of my life, and Papa to our girls, who's Heavenly birthday is 11/04/2010. There's so much I want to say and if Heaven had a phone, I'd call. Missing & loving you more everyday, Lei
