The "S" Word

Back in June you posted 2 Corinthians 12:9 as your status on Facebook. Who would've guessed it would speak volumes to me when I read it today?

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

There goes that "S" word again! STRONG... I continue to receive messages and emails commending me for my strength. I began to wonder what it means to be strong anyway? For a while, the word was just a word to me. Kind of like the word "condolence". I've heard those two words sooooooo many times, I've lost their meanings.

According to http://www.dictionary.com/:
STRONG- (only 10 of the 30 definitions given)1. mentally powerful or vigorous
2. especially able, competent, or powerful in a specific field or respect
3. of great moral power, firmness, or courage
4. powerful in influence, authority, resources, or means of prevailing or succeeding
5. aggressive; willful
6. clear and firm; loud
7. solid or stable; healthy; thriving
8. having powerful means to resist attack, assault, or aggression
9. decisively unyielding; firm or uncompromising
10. strenuous or energetic; vigorous

—Antonym
1. weak.

How in the world am I STRONG? Especially when I consistently feel the exact opposite? Day in and day out, I feel so very tired, worn-down, and WEAK. Mainly emotionally though...I'm still able to physically keep up with the daily duties of a single momma. Maybe everyone thinks I'm so strong because I'm really good at making sure I don't make others feel the least bit uncomfortable around me?!? I don't like feeling awkward around people. I can imagine how hard it must be for everyone...no one wants to say the wrong thing to the 32-year-old widow/single momma of three! I guess that's why I tend to act like i'm all good around others. But Lord knows that the second I get me some alone-time, the guard comes down and I allow myself to be as vulnerable as I feel!

Some people say that I am holding myself back from "proper grieving" by being this way...others say "it's OK". All I know is that I do make a conscious effort to act how I feel no matter who's around...but it just doesn't always happen.

Now back to the verse I mentioned earlier.  I've decided to make it my first memory verse of 2011. I'm praying that if I repeat it over and over, and write it down a couple hundred times my perspective will catch-up to it's truth! I know it's true. It's the Word of God...there's nothing more true than that! But these darn human tendencies and these emotions that lead me to the brick wall I keep running into totally alter my perspective on a lot of things! Just like I know you're up in Heaven chillin w/ Christ and playing a never-ending game of dominoes with your new homies...but I'm sad and missing you like crazy still. I should be rejoicing, thanking and praising God because I love you so much and I know you're in His loving care...but I'm still sad and still missing you like crazy.

Anyways, I'm starting to feel like I'm talking in circles trying to make you understand me, but you always have - even when I couldn't understand myself! All I know babe is that I'm trying really hard to get to a place of constant joy. Even if only for a full day. We NEVER let our "weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities" strip us of our JOY for long. Nothing was worth it. We've always been thankful and full of praise for the many blessings in our lives regardless of anything else. And that's where I want to be again. It's hard to get there because you and me were one whole, and so I feel like I've lost half of me. But I'm not giving up babe! You wouldn't ever want me to, so I won't! I wish I could put a time line and a step-by-step instruction manual together for this process...but I'll just continue to be still and trust in God.

Goodnight my boo-boose. I love you more;).