"I Thought God gave up on me...but He brought me somebody. He is an amazing man. He is supportive. He doesn't criticize me. He walks with me, and he loves me through all of it. You understand what I'm sayin? I didn't have that, and I do now. I wake up with so much joy in my heart." (Why Did I Get Married?)
That, my love, is how I felt every single day I spent having you in my life! You were an answered prayer, times infinity! I remember how long it took for me to realize you werent just a dream!
No wonder this all hurts so much... 1434
Here's my letter to you, Mark Matthew Aragon. The LOVE of my life, and Papa to our girls, who's Heavenly birthday is 11/04/2010. There's so much I want to say and if Heaven had a phone, I'd call. Missing & loving you more everyday, Lei
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Friday, February 25, 2011
Double-edged Sword
Writing to you like this is a double-edged sword. The process of it is like therapy to me, but reading it reminds me how fresh these wounds are & how much of our lives have changed since you relocated to Heaven.
Sometimes, as I'm reading past entries, I feel like I'm reading about someone else. Like it's someone else's story. If it weren't for writing out how I feel at a particular time, I would probably forget feeling it. It's kinda like selective amnesia...I'll feel something I don't like, then when the feeling goes away I forget how it felt! Then I'll go back and read about it later and it triggers a recurrence of the darn feeling and the cycle continues...(Hope you're keeping up with my giberish!)
At the same time though, and depending on however I feel at the time, reading the same thing that made me sad one day can give me assurance and confidence the next! Basically, along with the rollercoaster of emotions I feel throughout each day, my perceptions seem to change too! Now, before you begin to think I'm crazy, this only happens to me when it comes to my memories of you and the grief I'm dealing with, and 99.9% of the time It's during the moments I spend alone. Most of the time when I'm around people, I feel like the old me again. I guess that's why night-time is so hard on me. Once the kids are asleep and Keila locks herself in her room, I'm alone.
Anyhoo...it's wierd writing you in the middle of the day! hahaha I'm like 10 hours ahead of myself! LoL I'll talk to you later boo. 1434
Sometimes, as I'm reading past entries, I feel like I'm reading about someone else. Like it's someone else's story. If it weren't for writing out how I feel at a particular time, I would probably forget feeling it. It's kinda like selective amnesia...I'll feel something I don't like, then when the feeling goes away I forget how it felt! Then I'll go back and read about it later and it triggers a recurrence of the darn feeling and the cycle continues...(Hope you're keeping up with my giberish!)
At the same time though, and depending on however I feel at the time, reading the same thing that made me sad one day can give me assurance and confidence the next! Basically, along with the rollercoaster of emotions I feel throughout each day, my perceptions seem to change too! Now, before you begin to think I'm crazy, this only happens to me when it comes to my memories of you and the grief I'm dealing with, and 99.9% of the time It's during the moments I spend alone. Most of the time when I'm around people, I feel like the old me again. I guess that's why night-time is so hard on me. Once the kids are asleep and Keila locks herself in her room, I'm alone.
Anyhoo...it's wierd writing you in the middle of the day! hahaha I'm like 10 hours ahead of myself! LoL I'll talk to you later boo. 1434
Wow!
Today felt like a normal day! (Whatever that means) Once midnight hit a situation arose, but it's 1:41 and my eyes are actually getting heavy! Could it be? My prayers to get rid of the insomnia are being answered??? ;)
I just wanted to say goodnight because imma go meh-meh now. I have lots to say, but my eyes dont wanna stay open:(
I love you more, hotstuff!
I just wanted to say goodnight because imma go meh-meh now. I have lots to say, but my eyes dont wanna stay open:(
I love you more, hotstuff!
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
False Guilt
Check out today's GriefShare email:
|False Guilt: Satan's Lies
Day 101
"Yes, Satan knows when to come. He lays it on you," explained Dr. E. V. Hill. "I Just want you to know it's not of God; it's the devil. God isn't punishing you at all. The devil's doing that."
The guilt and blame you hear echoing in your head is Satan lying to you. Understand and believe this.
Dr. Hill said, "So watch the fact that it's not the voice of the Holy Spirit. It's the visitation of the devil. Rebuke it as such. Stick with your faith in God no matter how it hurts. And God has a great reward for you."
When guilt rears its head, stay focused on the truth and do not be deceived by lies.
"He [the Devil] was a murderer from the beginning, not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies" (John 8:44).
Holy Spirit of God, teach me to recognize Your voice and to follow it with assurance. Amen|
I aint gonna lie babee...I continue to beat myself up every single day for not keeping you at the house just 1 minute longer! Even just a few seconds would have had you away from that intersection long enough to avoid the collision!!! Its a constant attack I've been allowing to keep me bottled-up with so much guilt. I feel like all the hurt caused by your death is something I could've prevented! I understand that you were on your way to a job and coworkers you loved, but its the timing I feel guilty for!
I am NOT suicidal or anything...but there have been days that I beg the Lord to take me because dealing with losing you, on top of the guilt is so painful! Then I feel like "ok God...this pain is my punishment." Then I get a wakeup call like this email that brings me back to the reality that Satan IS REAL!
Satan knows that I would never have purposefully allow you in harms way...He knows that this ache I feel everyday because the girls and I miss you soooooo much gives him the perfect opportunity to mess with me!
I HATE HIM! He really needs to step-off my nerves because its really affecting my life and the girls lives as a result! Its hard enough to try and go on with my life here on earth without his evil butt up in my mix!!!
Babee, if theres ANYTHING you could do up there...please do it! I cant even begin to explain the toll it has on me, and our everyday lives...
1434
|False Guilt: Satan's Lies
Day 101
"Yes, Satan knows when to come. He lays it on you," explained Dr. E. V. Hill. "I Just want you to know it's not of God; it's the devil. God isn't punishing you at all. The devil's doing that."
The guilt and blame you hear echoing in your head is Satan lying to you. Understand and believe this.
Dr. Hill said, "So watch the fact that it's not the voice of the Holy Spirit. It's the visitation of the devil. Rebuke it as such. Stick with your faith in God no matter how it hurts. And God has a great reward for you."
When guilt rears its head, stay focused on the truth and do not be deceived by lies.
"He [the Devil] was a murderer from the beginning, not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies" (John 8:44).
Holy Spirit of God, teach me to recognize Your voice and to follow it with assurance. Amen|
I aint gonna lie babee...I continue to beat myself up every single day for not keeping you at the house just 1 minute longer! Even just a few seconds would have had you away from that intersection long enough to avoid the collision!!! Its a constant attack I've been allowing to keep me bottled-up with so much guilt. I feel like all the hurt caused by your death is something I could've prevented! I understand that you were on your way to a job and coworkers you loved, but its the timing I feel guilty for!
I am NOT suicidal or anything...but there have been days that I beg the Lord to take me because dealing with losing you, on top of the guilt is so painful! Then I feel like "ok God...this pain is my punishment." Then I get a wakeup call like this email that brings me back to the reality that Satan IS REAL!
Satan knows that I would never have purposefully allow you in harms way...He knows that this ache I feel everyday because the girls and I miss you soooooo much gives him the perfect opportunity to mess with me!
I HATE HIM! He really needs to step-off my nerves because its really affecting my life and the girls lives as a result! Its hard enough to try and go on with my life here on earth without his evil butt up in my mix!!!
Babee, if theres ANYTHING you could do up there...please do it! I cant even begin to explain the toll it has on me, and our everyday lives...
1434
PRECIOUS, SWEET ISA...
Without Love, there would be no Grief...
What a night! I slept most of the day away...it was nice to catch up on some sleep. Last night, I chilled with fave for a couple hours and just caught up on life...then dealt with an after-hours long distant dilema with someone who meant the world to you and is still a big part of our lives even though we're miles away. I know you're watching over all of us and guiding us everyday...I just ask that you pay especially close attention to "the situation" and stay on you-know-who's mind and heart during these hard times.
Ate Sette and the kids were over tonight. Noah and Keila stayed at the house with the lil ones while Ate Sette had our own GriefShare meeting. In the car, we listened to session 1 and 2 of GriefShare and it felt so good to be completely transparent to her as certain feelings came up. Babee, I am not ok...and it's ok that I'm not! And it was nice to get reassurance from my sister that no one should expect me to be ok and that if I was, that would cause reason for concern!
I think the biggest thing I feel relieved to have admitted to her out loud is the fact that I am not ready to simply accept that your life has ended and mine and the girls continues. You have been such a huge part of our everyday lives for so long, and now that you're not here nothing makes sense! I cant imagine ever being used to or "ok" with the fact that I will never have a conversation with you, you'll never drive us around, we'll never get to take you to dinner on Fathers Day, you'll never take out the garbage, we cant simply text or call you with good news, I wont be able to ask your opinion about an outfit or if Keila overdid my makeup...all the little things you were a part of in our daily lives, and even the big things, will never be. I can write all that, and can even say it out loud! But accepting is as reality is the hardest thing to do.
After the Haights left, I sat with the girls and played part of GriefShare session 1. I told the girls that its ok to still be sad and miss you and that if ever they need to talk or someone to listen, we'll always be there for eachother. Looking into Jin and Lala's eyes I saw pain that they didnt know how to express. Isa, on the other hand, was so brave to express to us so much of her feelings. It was hard for her but she said she often thinks about you at night and while at school. She shared that there are times at school when she will seclude herself from all her friends and just cry...She said she didnt want to tell me because it would make me sad, and that killed me inside! My 10 year old is bottling-up feelings because SHE doesnt wanna see ME sad?!?!
The 3 of us loved on her as she cried and cried...As much as I didnt wanna break down in front of her, afraid that if I did this would be the last time she opens up to us like she did, a few tears did sneak out. We assured her that we are always here for her and even though there will be times she'd rather not come directly to us, I asked her to promise to talk to someone. Family, church, or even a teacher...she needs to talk about what she's feeling.
I reminded her of how special she was to you. You were a great part of more than half her life! I also reminded her about how in early 2010, you began addressing her by her other nickname "baby" because she was that special to you.
My love, theres just so, so much on my mind right now that I'm afraid its gonna be another one of those sleepless nights...but thats ok. I wont run from it, and I wont let it make me feel crazy. Without LOVE, there would be no grief.
1434
Ate Sette and the kids were over tonight. Noah and Keila stayed at the house with the lil ones while Ate Sette had our own GriefShare meeting. In the car, we listened to session 1 and 2 of GriefShare and it felt so good to be completely transparent to her as certain feelings came up. Babee, I am not ok...and it's ok that I'm not! And it was nice to get reassurance from my sister that no one should expect me to be ok and that if I was, that would cause reason for concern!
I think the biggest thing I feel relieved to have admitted to her out loud is the fact that I am not ready to simply accept that your life has ended and mine and the girls continues. You have been such a huge part of our everyday lives for so long, and now that you're not here nothing makes sense! I cant imagine ever being used to or "ok" with the fact that I will never have a conversation with you, you'll never drive us around, we'll never get to take you to dinner on Fathers Day, you'll never take out the garbage, we cant simply text or call you with good news, I wont be able to ask your opinion about an outfit or if Keila overdid my makeup...all the little things you were a part of in our daily lives, and even the big things, will never be. I can write all that, and can even say it out loud! But accepting is as reality is the hardest thing to do.
After the Haights left, I sat with the girls and played part of GriefShare session 1. I told the girls that its ok to still be sad and miss you and that if ever they need to talk or someone to listen, we'll always be there for eachother. Looking into Jin and Lala's eyes I saw pain that they didnt know how to express. Isa, on the other hand, was so brave to express to us so much of her feelings. It was hard for her but she said she often thinks about you at night and while at school. She shared that there are times at school when she will seclude herself from all her friends and just cry...She said she didnt want to tell me because it would make me sad, and that killed me inside! My 10 year old is bottling-up feelings because SHE doesnt wanna see ME sad?!?!
The 3 of us loved on her as she cried and cried...As much as I didnt wanna break down in front of her, afraid that if I did this would be the last time she opens up to us like she did, a few tears did sneak out. We assured her that we are always here for her and even though there will be times she'd rather not come directly to us, I asked her to promise to talk to someone. Family, church, or even a teacher...she needs to talk about what she's feeling.
I reminded her of how special she was to you. You were a great part of more than half her life! I also reminded her about how in early 2010, you began addressing her by her other nickname "baby" because she was that special to you.
My love, theres just so, so much on my mind right now that I'm afraid its gonna be another one of those sleepless nights...but thats ok. I wont run from it, and I wont let it make me feel crazy. Without LOVE, there would be no grief.
1434
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Papa-Daughter Date, June 2010
Monday, February 21, 2011
MAC Holiday Dinner 2009
Too cute:). We were the proudest momma and papa ever!!! There were so many more sweet ones, but these are my favotites:).
3/11/2007
(My Card to you on the 3rd anniversary of the day we met...)
"Time has been good to us.
It's deepened our love,
strengthened our friendship,
And made me very sure
that I could never feel this close,
this much in love,
with anyone else.
We've learned to overlook or even laugh
about little problems
and not turn them into bigger ones.
And when real trials
have come along,
we've learned the true value
of having a loving friend and partner
to share them with.
Time has been good to us.
We still look at each other with love,
and that makes
life beautiful.
Love has been good to us.
And especially
on our anniversary,
I want to thank you
with all my heart
for sharing your life
and your love with me."
(Alarie Tennille)
Babee, if you were to ask me if I still felt this way today "I'd Still Say Yes"! 1434
"Time has been good to us.
It's deepened our love,
strengthened our friendship,
And made me very sure
that I could never feel this close,
this much in love,
with anyone else.
We've learned to overlook or even laugh
about little problems
and not turn them into bigger ones.
And when real trials
have come along,
we've learned the true value
of having a loving friend and partner
to share them with.
Time has been good to us.
We still look at each other with love,
and that makes
life beautiful.
Love has been good to us.
And especially
on our anniversary,
I want to thank you
with all my heart
for sharing your life
and your love with me."
(Alarie Tennille)
Babee, if you were to ask me if I still felt this way today "I'd Still Say Yes"! 1434
Learning to be Content
I just unpacked another box. I inhaled your scent off of every shirt of yours. It'll be a while before I go through another box. Who knows when I'll ever be completely unpacked?!?! To say "I miss you" just doesnt do my feelings justice!
We've had a nice weekend. Lani and the kids were over yesterday and she made us some yummy shrimp alfredo w/ asparagus, AND gave me her recipe. We also picked up Alana from her dad, sisters and Uncle Alex at Arden Fair Mall after their visit with Christian. Today the Matsu's came to visit and Jessica too, for a bit. Atch and Gabbi are staying the night too. Atch is taking Lala driving tomorrow (watch out Sacramento!!! LoL).
All the fun company this weekend wasnt enough to push my sadness far enough away though because unpacking this one box was all it took to remind me of how much missing you hurts. Sometimes I wonder how long it'll take before the raw, intense pain stops...then I read or hear stories of women years after they lost their husbands who say they still experience what I am, and I tell myself I oughta get used to it. I cant imagine there's a way to build up a tolerance to it, or any form of immunity against it, so to learn to be content with it is all I can do.
"Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ's sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:10
Missing you and wishing you could leave me a comment just one time...1434.
We've had a nice weekend. Lani and the kids were over yesterday and she made us some yummy shrimp alfredo w/ asparagus, AND gave me her recipe. We also picked up Alana from her dad, sisters and Uncle Alex at Arden Fair Mall after their visit with Christian. Today the Matsu's came to visit and Jessica too, for a bit. Atch and Gabbi are staying the night too. Atch is taking Lala driving tomorrow (watch out Sacramento!!! LoL).
All the fun company this weekend wasnt enough to push my sadness far enough away though because unpacking this one box was all it took to remind me of how much missing you hurts. Sometimes I wonder how long it'll take before the raw, intense pain stops...then I read or hear stories of women years after they lost their husbands who say they still experience what I am, and I tell myself I oughta get used to it. I cant imagine there's a way to build up a tolerance to it, or any form of immunity against it, so to learn to be content with it is all I can do.
"Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ's sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:10
Missing you and wishing you could leave me a comment just one time...1434.
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