December 25, 2010 at 6:30pm

9:30am-Jin came to me and just held me for a few minutes, then started crying. I started tearing, then realized that this is the first time Jin broke down (to me, at least) since your funeral! I just held her and said "if you wanna talk about it, let's talk. If you just wanna cry, then we can do that too!" She didn't say a word, and so I just held her as she continued to cry. After a few minutes I said "Imagine the birthday party Papa's at up there! Imagine him wearing a party hat and playing pin the tail on the donkey w/ JESUS, Himself!" I didn't get a laugh, but she did stop crying.

Seeing the girls hurt makes me hurt ten times more! I wish I could take the pain away, but there's nothing I could do. You're gone.

10:30am-After the exchange of gifts at the Lail house, I was getting ready for the family beautician, Silvia, to work her magic when Isa handed me a present from her to you and I. Inside was a hand-made Christmas tree (I'll post a pic later) and a letter. The letter read:

Dear Momma and Papa,

Thank you for everything you've done for me, ate, and atchi. Thank you for being so kind to us. Me, you and everyone who knows and misses papa loved him so much. I'm writing this almost whole page about you both. You and papa were the very funny ones in our family, you were very sweet too! I will never forget papa ever, I promise! Merry Christmas! I just wanted to say I love you...two!

Your favorite daughter,
Isabel

No need to explain how grateful I am she gave it to me BEFORE I got my makeup put on! Major waterworks babee!

12:15-We arrived at Mom and Dad's house and it was pouring rain! I was worried about the gifts in the trunk that had to be brought in the house, but Mason and our fellow FedEx bro Kuya Mike came to the rescue. So far so good, unlike Thanksgiving. I'm still hanging out downstairs instead of hiding out in our room:). I definately am feeling a mix of emotions as everyone arrives, but I'm able to keep myself together. I'm praying right now for continued composure so no one has to worry or walk on eggshells around me. I know its hard for everyone else too! Not just me and the girls...

1:45pm-Dad said his usual 15 minute prayer before our meal, and even started crying when he spoke of you. I didn't hear exactly what was said because I was in the family room, but I'm sure it was touching, nonetheless... I sat on the couch and ate lunch. Prime rib, chicken pot pie, twice baked potato, scalloped potatoes, salad...yum! It was chaos! Kids all over the place, people talking over eachother, babies crying, kids acting up...it was beautiful:). I miss hearing your laugh in the midst of it all though. And how you'd eat mine and the girls' leftovers so we wouldn't waste food (wink, wink). There are pictures being taken all over the house, and even though I'm smiling I keep thinking about how you won't be in any of them... :(

2:30pm-Right now I'm sitting in the car to charge up my phone. Ya, that's why...to charge my phone! ;) OK, so I needed to step away from all the friggin JOY for a second! No big deal! I just wanna keep from getting emotional around everyone cuz then they'll feel bad, then I'll feel worse! The kids are soooo excited to open gifts in a bit, so right now, its all about them.

How is it that ALL Christmas songs are sad for me? Goodness, gracious!!! I guess its cuz they're all about love, or about Jesus who IS love. Love, love, love! I feel like a scrooge inside because all this LOVE in the air is making me feel suffocated!!! Oh wait, its not the love...its the effort I'm putting into frontin like it aint making me sad. Gosh, talking to you sure puts things into perspective babe! So, we're about to exchange gifts and imma stop frontin! If I wanna cry, I'm gonna cry!

2:55pm-Keila locked herself in the bathroom crying...Lord, help us!

3:25pm-Lala's fine. I asked Ate Lane to talk to her since the last time she broke down, she was there to talk her thru it. Its hard for her to talk to me cuz she thinks she's my mom sometimes and has to protect me!

3:45pm- Gifts are all open now and everyones enjoying them. Atch had my profile picture printed and framed for all our siblings and married nephews/nieces. It was a wierd feeling to see us everywhere! But looking at your handsome face never gets old! :) Ate Sette gave me a dvd of when we got baptized last year. She said "make sure you're around people when you watch it!" I think imma post your part on FB as your Christmas present to everyone:)! (If I can figure out how to do it! Can you beam me instructions? LoL)

4:00pm-Mama's too funny! She got all of our brothers character snuggies! They all modeled them as pictures were taken and they held a picture of you:)! Can't wait to post that one for ya! LoL

5:00pm-We're about to head back to Fairfield in a bit. I remember last year like it was yesterday...I didn't even plan on going to Atch's after-party cuz you had to work early the next morning, but you had already coordinated with my sista's and packed ur "dj" equipment into the trunk! LoL I even tried to change your mind when I realized we were going, but you wouldn't hear of it... But what a night!!! Our last Christmas with you!!! Wii Just Dance battles...Dancing...and lots of food and fun!!! I'm so glad we were able to spend it that way instead of home sleeping:).

6:00pm-Just touched down at Atch's house. Once everyone gets here, we're gonna watch videos from last Christmas and other parties. Can't wait to see your smilin face babee:)! I must say that today turned out pretty well, considering it's "your holiday". I thought it would be horrible like Thanksgiving was for me, but I was wrong. Hopefully I'm wrong about New Years and Valentines day ("my holiday").

I'll talk to you more tomorrow, my love. I'm sure you had an amazing celebration up there, dancin on the streets of gold! Miss you...and love you more...