December 17, 2010 at 1:40am

I finally found my GriefShare book tonight! I misplaced it earlier this week, and as the days seemed to get more and more unbearable I realized how dependent I am on the encouragement found in it. I think this was the first week in years that I didn't open my Bible either. I feel horrible that I let it "slip my mind", and I feel so relieved that I learned my lesson! I wasn't necessarily straying from God's word, but I wasn't soaking it up like I love to do either. Next thing you know, I was becoming more and more sad and angry. I can't stand that. Instead of praying for peace in my mind and heart, I felt myself getting angry that I couldn't grasp it! As if anger and peace had anything to do with eachother...

When it's hard to look forward and it's painful to look back, you need a new perspective, a new focus. Look to the Father and keep your eyes on Him. Everytime your thoughts drift away from Him, repeat these words, "Focused on YOU, JESUS, Focused on YOU." If you keep yourself centered in God, you will be able to move forward again.

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day....So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is TEMPORARY, but what is unseen is ETERNAL. (2 Corinthians 4:16, 18)

I read what I quoted above tonight right when I needed the reminder. I can't lose focus on our Heavenly Father! I feel like you somehow had something to do with teaching me this lesson because that's so something you'd do:)! So, thanks babe...

I was chatting with Ate Lane earlier about the day you passed away. Somehow, I had blocked so much from my memory. I remember the knock on the door...the police officers and your parents telling me what happened...then complete disbelief! I was numb. There was no way this was happening! I kept telling the officers that what they were telling me was impossible because I just sat with you on the very couch they were sitting on a couple hours before! I said "we were just talking about getting quarters for the laundry and his nephews birthday party on Saturday." That's the only specific thing I recall saying to them. The rest of the time I was talking out loud to the Lord, begging for this to not be happening. I didn't even cry...I couldn't believe it enough to cry about it! It wasn't until Pastor Ron and Kimberly, then my parents and sisters walked in that I began to realize that I wasn't in the middle of a nightmare...

The rest of the day was a blurr. Ate Lane said I would weep deeply, then fall asleep. Then wake up weeping, then fall asleep again. I can't even picture it! I'm a quiet crier. I can't remember the last time (before this) that I've cried out loud, let alone weeping!

I still get those feelings of disbelief now and then. The numbness comes and goes and so does acceptance of reality. It's wierd because I am fully aware that you're gone, so I know i'm in touch with reality...but there are times when I have to remind myself that you're not coming back. When I say "I miss you so much it hurts", I literally mean that it hurts! I go thru the same thing everyday: I'll recall a memory, laugh or feel comforted by it, then hurt so bad because I'll never get to experience that memory with you again. It's a never-ending cycle and although I have hope and know that the Lord brought me to it, so He'll bring me thru it, it's so painful.

I have a favor to ask. Please keep close watch of the girls and I. Keila's finding it pretty tough nowadays...now that she's allowing herself to grieve. If you see us begin to lose it, send us a reminder to "Focus on JESUS".

Goodnight husband. I love you more.