Shattered Dreams

In the book "Shattered Dreams" by Larry Crabb, he talks about a man who was goin thru some trials. He was worshipping God on the outside, but didnt hear his heart saying "If I'm patient, God will make things pleasant again. That's His job." His worship became a way to convince God to restore his pleasant life. God was not pleased. The mans troubles grew and he fell into depression. His worship stopped. Temptations that were normally managable became irresistable. The temptations brought temporary pleasure, followed by more pain.

Thats as far as I got into the book before the 15 minute heads-up that Barnes and Noble was closing came over the intercom. But it was enough for me to feel such conviction...I DONT WANNA BE THAT MAN! I want my worship to be genuine. I dont want to simply go thru the motions of being a good Christian while my heart says something contradictory.

So now, I'm looking at the life I've lived since you left and I'm feeling such disappointment. My mask of strength and grace that I put on for everyone is NOT what my heart has been telling God! I say "God's way is not my way" and that "He will provide and heal our family". But inside I'm still questioning Him and asking how in the world he could allow such pain into my life!

I stuggle sometimes with going thru the motions, and a couple weeks back I had wrote to you about one of those struggles which was opening my Bible and soaking in what I read. What I didnt tell you is that the reason I was distancing myself from the Word is that I felt rejected by it! I havent gone to service (again) because the sermons have all been about marriage and family, and I've been taking it as a slap in the face amidst the pain I'm already feeling!

No doubt-I'm clinging to the Lord with my entire being...but I need a lot of prayer and some sort of reawakening, for sure. Babee, please tug on Jesus' shirt and ask Him for an extra dose of Grace for me...1434.