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It's been approximately 157 days since I last saw your smiling face. One Hundred Fifty Seven loooooooooooooong days and nights without you here with me. On the bright side, that's 157 days of you living in eternal paradise...but for us down here without you that's 157 days of painfully missing you.

I wonder if there'll be a day I DON'T sniff your cologne, say hi and bye to your picture when I walk in and out of my room, read our old messages to eachother and AIM chat logs, think about what we'd be doing or where we'd be at random times during the day if you were here...

Probably not, because I can't imagine life without you-even though I'm technically living life without you. You remain a constant in my life and I wouldn't have it any other way...unless God were to send you back to me, but that's a long shot! :)

So, I'll just continue my days talking to you when I'm alone in my car, missing your presence everywhere I go, and loving you MORE! Goodnight sweetness.

Abundantly BLeSSeD!!!

Keila and I had so much fun tonight with our VBC family!!! I got such a great response to my Blessings Unlimited biz...AND was offered another vendor gig by a new friend who's been praying for us for months! Even before I met her, which was tonight:). I sure learned a lot tonight...I'm definately gonna be much more prepared for my next gig, no doubt. God is so amazing!!!

I have a feeling that God has something BIG in store for the girls and I in the near future. My job search has been horrible. It took MONTHS for your BB W2 to arrive, which gave whoever used your SS# a chance to file taxes electronically before I was able to. And because they did, now I have to file a paper return which will of course will stall our refund a bit longer. And now I'm hearing about some government issue which will delay the processing of all paper returns. SO, with all that in mind, plus the fact that I've been anticipating our refund to pay some bills and provide for our girls, God MUST have something big for us in the near future! He is our ultimate provider, after all... So, either the perfect job is right around the corner OR my Blessings Unlimited biz is gonna blow up! Either way, I'm trustin, prayin, and gonna do all I can in the meantime.

I'm suprised everyday with things that don't go "MY way", but in the end I know that He's sustained us this far, so I have a ton to be grateful for.

Well my love, I'm gonna call it a night because that drive from Hercules exhausted the heck outta me...1434.

OK...just one more:)

If you had the chance to sing a song from the bottom of your heart before you took your last breath, I bet this would be it...

Love

This song TOTALLY brings me back... Imma just have to picture YOU singing this again:

Goodness, gracious...

Hey babee. Have I told you lately that I miss you like crazy? :)

I've got my first vendor-booth-gig tomorrow at VBC for my Blessings Unlimited biz. I'm sooooooo excited! I have no clue what i'm doing, but who better then our VBC Worship Ministry family to kick-start my biz with?!? I get to showcase a bunch of items, hand out catalogs, and shmooze with friends:) I'm so excited!!!

So, I haven't quoted any GriefShare emails lately cuz they've been kinda BO-RING! A lot of "remarriage" topics that I'm just not remotely interested in. Not to say it's wrong...it's just not right for me. There's just no way any man would stand a chance with a heart that's still in your hands! Goodness, gracious...

Anyways, I've got a long day ahead of me so I'm gonna start getting things ready then head to bed. See you in my dreams my suga-baby:) 1434

Oh Nicole!

Thanks to my lovely bff Nicole, I went back to the beginning of this never-ending letter to you and started reading. I did pretty well until December 17th where what I wrote is exactly what I woke-up feeling today...without realizing I wrote about it before! (Make sense? LoL)

"I still get those feelings of disbelief now and then. The numbness comes and goes and so does acceptance of reality. It's wierd because I am fully aware that you're gone, so I know i'm in touch with reality...but there are times when I have to remind myself that you're not coming back. When I say "I miss you so much it hurts", I literally mean that it hurts! I go thru the same thing everyday: I'll recall a memory, laugh or feel comforted by it, then hurt so bad because I'll never get to experience that memory with you again. It's a never-ending cycle and although I have hope and know that the Lord brought me to it, so He'll bring me thru it, it's so painful."

I just had to stop reading a moment to share that. It's so amazing how God not only uses your old writings and memories to minister to me now that you're gone; but he also uses ME to minister to ME! What a blessing!

I miss and love you more my fresh prince:)

Sick and Tired

Once again, I took a trip down your FB page. Sometimes I find myself wishing you were here to talk things through with, so I'm so blessed to be able to go back to read your posts and comments. You posted so many words of wisdom that help me even now, so THANK YOU!

Tonight, what really spoke volumes to me is what you posted on May 25 at 7:22am:
"If you are sick and tired of being in the same situation day in and day out. Keep this in mind. God did not want you to be content (w/ feeling sick and tired), he actually commands us to change... "Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect." Romans 12: 2

After many "likes" and "thank you's", you posted: "I'm glad I can be a voice of inspiration for everyone....I'm just reiterating the good Book......"


Babee - I am sick and tired of being in the same situation day in and day out!!! I have never found myself feeling so helpless and emoitonal in my life! On top of everything, the fact that it's been so difficult to find a job has totally broken me...

It's not necessarily the situation I'm in that's got me sick and tired - I know it's a blessing for me to be going through this whole grieving process cuz if I wasn't, that would mean something's terribly wrong. What I'm really sick and tired of is the fact that I can't expect anything. I can't plan on how I'm gonna feel an hour from now, let alone tomorrow! The only thing I'm ever successful at scheduling is getting the girls to/from school and AWANAs, but even that doesn't always work out as it should.

Through your FB page, you're telling me "God did not want you to be content (with being sick and tired, that is), he actually commands us to change...". HE commands me to change! I MUST CHANGE! I get that! So, can you tell me what to change? I'm so used to saying "alright babee - I can't figure it out, or decide what to do, so tell me what you want me to do and I'll do it!" It was so much easier that way! To be able to just trust in you and know that you always had our best interest at heart was such a comfort.

I have to do ALL the discerning now. There's no more bouncing ideas off of you or simply saying "you decide"...Everything's on me! Ya, it feels nice when I make a right decision and things turn out fine...But when I'm wrong about something, I feel the weight of the consequences 10-times stronger! I don't know how to be "alone". I miss being a couple...

I need to TRUST in HIM! It's so easy to say I do, but I need to daily surrender all of me to HIM! I was there before...WE were there before. Now, I'm praying for the strength to get there again. Your quiet strength helps, but I need Christ's power to fill the void left in me without you here.

Another verse that came to mind after reading your page...one about contentment too, is:
"I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength."
Philippians 4:11-13

For a second, it seems like it says the opposite of what you were saying about contentment - but after REALLY reading it, it's telling me that rather than being content with simply wanting things, I need to change my thought process and be happy and OK with what I am blessed with. That makes so much sense to me now! Wow! I love writing you:)

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