I've ventured off to tumblr. It's different...and random...but so is grief.

It's ONLY been 8 months...ALREADY???

Sorry I havent wrote to you in a while...this move and the heat has had me busy and exhausted! Tonight will be our last night here and I'm soooooo excited! This place just never felt like home to any of us, and moving forward is the best thing for us.

Anyways, i just wanted to take a moment to say Happy 8 month HBday hun:)! I cant believe its been 8 whole months, but then again...it's only been 8 months? LoL Everythings still wierd but by the grace of God we are not stuck! We're movin forward...

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Write Your Memories

To those of you in the midst of grief...I just wanted to share today's GriefShare email with you:

Write Your Memories
Day 227

Writing down your memories is a way to become unstuck if you are stuck in grief. Set aside a regular time to write out all the positive experiences you can remember that include your loved one. One memory will lead to another, and you will have much to write. This exercise shines light on the positive memories, which will help you keep the negative memories in perspective.

"When you lose someone," says Dr. H. Norman Wright, "what you have left basically are the memories. At first they're so sharp that they hurt. In time those memories begin to dull. They diminish. That in itself is another loss that you have to go through. In writing about it, you don't lose those memories. They're always there in black and white."

Writing down memories is a special process that takes time and courage.

"For I wrote you out of great distress and anguish of heart and with many tears, not to grieve you but to let you know the depth of my love for you" (2 Corinthians 2:4).

Lord, give me the discipline and the courage to sit down and write out special memories about my loved one. Thank you, Jesus, Amen.

So little time...

So much to do...so little time!!!

Wish you were here to help us get thru this. But then again, if you were here, we wouldn't have to go thru so much change in such a small amount of time! The random memories of you that would bring me to tears in private became public today. I was just sittin with Marie and watching all the kids playing one of those dance games and all I could think about was the video of you battling Joseph at Just Dance! Without warning, the tears started falling. Family parties will never be the same without you...I miss you so very much.

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Moving

The girls and I have been goin thru boxes and separating junk from keepers. Its a trip how we never even finished unpacking and here we go again...moving!

I came across an old shirt of yours that you loved to wear when it was kinda cold, but not jacket weather. It was in a bag of clean and folded laundry that got tossed in the storage room under the stairs. Jin found the bag and started pulling things out one by one and separating it all into piles. Go figure-the shirt was the only thing in the bag that belonged to you. I probably sound crazy, but it got me all emotional and stuff...

Then we came across a book you bought called "52 Things Kids Need From a Dad". (As if you needed a book!!!)

This move is gonna be pretty emotional for us... Moving from Oakland was quick and sorta hands-off for us since there were so many loved ones taking care of it all. Now, it's up to us to really dig deep into everything since we'll be super-limited in regards to space in our new (temporary) home.

This is good for us though. Its kinda helping us heal as we sort thru our memories and the life we're moving forward from. I've got a tough(er) year ahead since my goal is to be done with school, get my career going, and get into a place of our own before Jin starts High School and Isa starts Middle School - which is basically a year from September. I PROMISED the girls that wherever they start High School is where they're graduatung from. No more moving!

Anyways love, I better get back to the junk. 1434

Missin CLUB ARAGON

This heat ain't no joke! And it didn't help any that I've had body aches since yesterday so I've been downing Nyquil to try and beat the flu before it hits hard. I've been hot, sweaty and uncomfortable all friggin day!

Thank God for the cool breeze out right now! It feels soooooo good outside. Summer nights are amazing...it just sucks that we gotta get thru the almost-unberable heat to get to them.

This is soooooo CLUB ARAGON weather! Chillin in the back smellin the yummy bbq, playin dominoes/skip-bo/phase 10/or Texas Hold'em w/ the crew, jammin to old school jams...man, I wish we could go back there. It's all I can think about in this darn heat! Everytime I'd complain about it, you'd remind me of Club Aragon. You ALWAYS made me feel better when it came to stuff like that. That's probably why I tend to feel down sometimes - you're not here to make me happy.

The "Mark withdrawls" are starting up again with the change of season. Time for a getaway! Can't wait to head to SoCal next week with the fambam! Perfect timing!!!

Right now the girls and I are chillin downstairs watching George Lopez...just like the old days:). Wish you were here...1434

IT'S HOOOOOOOT!!!!!!!!

As you know, I've never been one to enjoy heat! The sweatiness, discomfort...so uncomfortable! What sucks now is the effect all of the above has on my mood and feelings! Not too long ago I had a breakthrough and decided to make a conscious effort to focus on the positive rather than dwelling on the negative. Well, these days it's so hard to get past the discomfort to see anything positive!

I'm not saying i'm doing horrible and having random mood-swings. I am definately aware of my attitude and it's effect on those around me...but mentally, everything sucks!

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Don't be mad - I chopped my hair off today! MUCH shorter than you'd ever approve of...LoL. But my hair's so thick and it's so hot! I HAD to get it off my neck! I know, I coulda just pulled it back like I always do...but it's starting to fall out much more (stress had effected EVERYTHING about me)and pulling it back all the time wasn't helping any. For the record though, Atch likes it! And knowing her, she woulda said something if it looked like crap:).

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School's over for the kiddo's, Lala's graduated, and now it's time to get to packin for our next move. Non-stop changes for us! But we gotta keep on keepin on. Things definately are moving forward, so I have no complaints about it. (Other than the obvious!)

"The more you focus on the problem, on the bad thing that is happening to you, your life just goes down, down, down," says Anne Graham Lotz. This is why it's so important for me to keep my focus up, up, up!!! Thinking of you all the time and all the positives helps me do this. Thank God I haven't "lost it"!

Gnite babee...1434.

Happy day-after-Papa's day

For this years Fathers Day family potluck we brought some of your faves:)! Jr Whoppers (no cheese) -Strawberry Cheesecake (2 faves in 1) -and Lemonade:). You loved big huge Whoppers w/out cheese, could drink a gallon of lemonade in one sitting, if cheesecake was on the menu there was no need to ask what you'd like for dessert, and you would eat/drink ANYTHING-strawberry all day long if you could...but we're 4 chicks on a budget, so this is gonna have to do:)! LoL

Here's a lil something Jin made for you...

And here's one from Isa...

We all missed you like crazy! The Jr Whoppers were a hit...they were gone first:). And although it was a day to celebrate you and all the fathers in the fam...we also celebrated the fact that everyone in my family has stepped-up as best they could to help fill your shoes as a Papa to the girls! Without a doubt, their love, support and prayers have made their journey of grief much less painful:). Seeing the family in action helps me to understand how God could possibly consider us capable of getting through this! He equipped us with a family who's faith can move mountains!

Anyways...Happy day-after-Papa's day babee. 1434

Happy Papa's Day!

Papa's Day 2011...
Know that you are truly missed babe. You took papahood seriously since before the girls called you "Papa". You were an active part of their everyday lives...even in ways we didn't realize till after 11.4.10. To the people around you everyday - even the ones the girls and I had never met - you were known as a loving, proud, supportive, dedicated, loyal husband and papa, and hearing about it as people randomly send me messages will never get old...

Papas Day 2011 - free slideshow

Thank you for all you've ever done and all you were to and for our girls...and continue to do through our memories of you. HAPPY PAPA'S DAY! 1434

Lala's DONE w/ HS!

***Delayed Post! I woke up to an error notification cuz I typed all this on the "title" line! Hahaha I literally hit the "publish" button and fell asleep! :)!***

Words cannot express just how proud I am of our Lala, and how thankful I am that she had YOU to be such a positive force in her life! Even when she took her SAT's, she wore your tribute shirt as a symbol of appreciation for you and somewhat of a good luck charm. she obviously did great considering she got accepted into each of the 4 CSU's she applied for!

While she doesnt wear your tribute shirt everyday, she does have a constant rememberance of you by wearing your cross around her neck each and every day.

Well babe-thats all I have the strength to write for. Ill ttyl. 1343

So little time...

BUSY day today...
Grad prep for Lala.
Awards assembly for Jin.
B'day dinner for Ate Lane.

We JUST got home and got lots to do before getting rest for another long day tomorrow (followed by a long Friday...long Saturday...and long Sunday).

Don't think you're not on my mind 24/7 cuz you are. Just ask anyone around me 24/7! I promise to catch up later. 1434

Keila c/o 2011

"I have prayed for you...that your faith may not fail." Luke 22:32

Not a day goes by without me recognizing the power of prayer. There are so many people have been praying for us since day one, and I truly believe that's why we haven't lost our way.

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Another big "first" is in less than 48 hours when Keila graduates from High School. You became a part of our family when she was just starting middle school. Before makeup, cell phones, Myspace, Facebook and teenage drama. You were the homework helper all throughout middle school and high school. Always scared the boys away and looked out for her and all her friends. Birthday parties, choir performances, open houses at school, hip hop, martial arts, hula...you shared so many moments and in so many cases, made many of those moments possible. Walks around Lake Merritt, rides here and there and back. Papa-daughter talks - you never raised your voice no matter how frustrated you'd be...

Out of everything I've mentioned (and the many other things not mentioned), I'm most thankful for the example you've given her of the future husband/father of her children that God has created just for her, and will reveal to her one day. She witnessed with her own eyes what LOVE looks like, and because of that she won't have to go thru too much heartbreak before realizing who her "soul mate" is. On the flip-side, she's seen us struggle due to our lack of education and waiting too long to get it together in life. But we always used our circumstances as a life lesson for her. She knows what it's like to be "without", and therefore has an appreciation for all she's blessed with.

The woman she is becoming has so much to do with YOU! Her graduation is not just a celebration of her accomplishments, but also of the impact you had in her life. Thank you sweetie. 1434

Facing It

"Without Christ, I can't face it. I can only face what a pill can solve. I can only face what an affair can solve. I can only face what drinking too much or eating too much or spending too much or crying a lot or watching TV or reading or watching soap operas can solve, which isn't the real me." (Larry Crabb)


I hate to say it, but I can so relate to what He's saying here! Once my family got back to their "normal" lives (which was a good and necessary thing for them to do) I was left with two options: Face the reality of losing you, or not. For a while, I refused to face anything, and it got me nowhere - FAST!

Thankfully, my hope and faith kept me from sinking which would've eventually led me to drowning! No matter how hard I tried to numb the pain or deny it's severity God sent constant reminders in my life of who He is and what I have to look forward to. There are times when I'd pray for "my time" to come much sooner than later...then one of our beautiful girls would come into the room and kiss me outta the blue and tell me she loves me. Now that is nothing short of a GOD-thang!

I have moments like that here and there...but no matter what, by the time I lay my head on my pillow at night, I am calm and thankful for another day.

"My peace I give you." John 14:24
Outwardly, Christ endured one of the most troubled lives ever lived. Storms and turmoil, turmoil and storms--wave after wave broke over Him until His worn body was laid in the tomb. YET His inner life was as smooth as a sea of glass, and a great calm was always there. (Streams in the Desert)

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By now I'm sure you've met up with our dear brother Fred Perry - husband of Precious Perry. Our Heavenly Father called him home today and although our hearts are heavy, we all know he's in the best hands. I'm positive that, like you, he will remain close to Precious and their family until they all meet again in Heaven.

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Happy Birthday Daddy!

Here's Mama & DDdy with their "Magnificient 7"! We all love and miss you babee! 1434

Remember when...

We celebrated Daddy's 80th b'day today. What's funny is that we celebrated his 79th at the same place last year, and you got to be a part of it. Why did we go big for his 79th knowing we'd do the same thing for his 80th??? My guess is cuz the good Lord knew you wouldn't be here this year. Jus sayin...

We had such a nice time celebrating with family and friends-old and new. Not many people live such full lives, make it to 80, and still keep going at practically the same pace! He's still a full-time disciple maker and he has no plans on quitting. I spoke to him the other day about how Keila's dream is to have him walk her down the isle when she gets married...he said "ok" with such certainty.

Right now we're at the Lails for the after-party, as usual. Justin made Daddy a slideshow and at first I was fine watching it...till a picture of you came up. I still kept my cool...only a few tears-until all the slides from Mama & Daddy's 50th wedding anniversary. Other than Mama, who you had met earlier in 2006 when she came out to visit in SoCal, it was your first time meeting my entire family! All at once (you poor thing)!

So I started ballin...reminiscing about the official introduction at the Cabreras house. Everyone was acting a fool (lol), but you kept your cool and ended up leaving the house that night as part of the family. No awkwardness at all...you made your way into everyones hearts with ease. It was beautiful!

I excused myself from the family room in the middle of the slideshow, went outside with my mimosa and cried. Like a baby! Seriously...I let it all out! It hurt to think that we'll never get a chance to celebrate our 50th wedding anniversary. Our grandkids will never get a chance to put 50 years of pictures into a slideshow. In fact, we won't even have 50 years of pictures!

*sigh* THIS SUCKS!!! But no matter what, I thank God for the pictures and memories we do have. Even though they're from a "short" period of time, they're more than enough to last forever. God made sure of that by giving us such a rare love to share.

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Looooooong day...Part 2

Nothing like last minute plans to meet-up at BJ's for more family love:). It's not everyday all 7 of us Ruiz siblings are all together at the same time!

I brought Lala to pick up her graduation tickets this morning. I can't believe they only allow 8 guests per graduate! What's up with that??? And even more so, I can't believe she's graduating:(. Someone needs to get their finger off that fast forward button already! Too much, too fast! BUT, I am still so very proud of all her accomplishments...more than anything, I'm proud of the woman she's grown into.

Today is the second day in a row that I haven't taken the time to sit and be still in the Word. I feel it...and I'm not proud of it. So, I'm gonna cut this short, spend some quiet time with my Heavenly Father, then sleep. Got another loooooooong day ahead of us w/ Daddy's 80th b'day shindig, followed by another family kick-it session:).

Goodnight babee...1434

Looooooong day...

Sorry babe - I have much to say, but I'm EXHAUSTED (again)! Facebook gave me a hard time trying to upload pics. I'm finally done and am gonna get some sleep. ttyl - 1434.

FAITH

"Focusing on God often causes Him to draw near to your grieving heart, bringing you the assurance that He needs the one who has died. The Lord will assure you He has called the eager, enthusiastic spirit of your departed loved one to stand with the invisible yet liberated, living, and radiant multitude. And as this thought enters your mind, along with the knowledge that your loved one is engaged in a great heavenly mission, a song begins in your heart."

I the busyness of yesterday, I failed to take time to read my Streams in the Desert devotional for the day. So I read it today, before reading today's, and THAT was the encouraging word that was spoken into my life.

The part that really stuck out is "your loved one is engaged in a great heavenly mission...". That makes so much sense! Your passing has caused hundreds of people to look in the mirror, reflect on what they see...the lives they've led...their relationship with our Heavenly Father. And as a result, lives have been changed and hearts have been won over by Christ.

Today's message was on FAITH. "Faith can change ANY situation, no matter how dark or difficult. Lifting your heart to God in a moment of genuine faith in Him can quickly alter your circumstancees."


Losing you forced me to see just how little control I have in life. How plans can fail so tragically, without warning. You planned to go to work that early morning, but you never made it. We planned on renewing our vows in a small Christian ceremony with our family and friends on 11/11/11, but that won't be happening. We looked forward to growing old together...watching our girls become women, and spoiling our grandkids rotten - but instead I'll be filling their heads with memories of their Grandpapa so they'll feel like they know you.

There's nothing wrong with plans. They're a necessary part of life here on earth. BUT, it's important to understand that circumstances can change plans. Once the funeral was over and we started living each day without you, the realization that all of the hopes, dreams and goals we had together ended the day you left overwhelmed me. In fact, it wasn't till recently that I really looked at my current situation and realized "Mark wouldn't want me to be a mess like this!"

That realization had majority to do with you. The man you were, and the way we functioned as a family while you were here. FAITH! Believing God's Word and TRUSTING that His Will is perfect and right. Standing firm on His promises. No matter how "crappy" our situation seemed from the outside, we were happy because of our faith. We trusted that as long as we did our part, God had us where He wanted us at the time and was working in us to bring us to where He wanted us in the future.

I LOVE having bible study with you babe:). Until tomorrow...1434.

Happy Birthday Atch!

We surprised the heck outta Atch today! After we picked-up Jin from school, we headed to Fairfield to help set-up for her big 50th bday surprise party. As usual, I missed celebrating with you...but other than that, we had a blast!!! I'm sure all my siblings would agree...Atch is the best big-sista ever! It was so nice to celebrate HER especially since she always goes BIG for all of us:).

The girls and I just got home a bit ago and are exhausted...Here's the video of the big moment. Good night baby-boo-boo-head:). 1434

Mama AND Papa

I've been thinking a lot about the relationship between a parent and a child (more specifically, my relationship with the girls). As their mother, I want only what's best for them. I want each of them to become successful, HAPPY, law-abiding women. Women who love God and love others (including themselves). But that's not all...I want them to know, understand and believe in the depth of my love for them and my desire for all of the above. And even more so, act like it! I want them to know they can come to me for anything. And when I'm hard on them, it's because I want them to learn something...to be responsible...to learn from their mistakes.

My Heavenly Father wants the same for me, but on an even higher level. He wants me to seek HIM...acknowledge HIM...and acknowledge that I can't do ANYTHING without HIS sovereign power. He wants me to yell for help when I'm in a tangled mess I can't get out of on my own.

He doesn't want me to wander around aimlessly in search for my own solutions, when all the while His Word holds all the answers I need. It hurts to think of how He must feel as he watches us try to re-invent the wheel. Watching us act like we know better...but still loving us, pursuing us, and wanting what's best for us...as only a parent could.

I was reflecting on your role as Papa. It had nothing to do with obligation or relation. It was a choice you made. It wasn't something you grudgingly had to do - it was something you wanted to commit and devote your life to. THAT's partly why things have been tough for me lately in regards to single-mamahood. You saw to it that you were an active role in their everyday lives. Now that you're up there, and not down here, I gotta get myself together to be the mama I was pre-grief AND be everything you were at the same time. Thank God for our memories of you...you taught by example. Thank you for that.

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"The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; HE delivers them from all their troubles." Psalm 34:17

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD." Isaiah 55:8

"Be thankful in ALL CIRCUMSTANCES, for this is God's will for you who belong to Christ Jesus." 1 Thessalonians 5:18